I've never wanted to admit...that i'm scared, i've never wanted to be brought to the point of saying that out loud, or even writing it. But then again, here it is, i'm scared. I'm scared just like everyone else, i'm no different, i'm not special or out of the ordinary. I'm a scared girl just trying to get it through the day as anything but typical. My worst fear is showing you how weak i can be, or letting you keep me as a memory, and only a memory that you keep with all of our old photos and such in a box, stored away in the attic where you will never look at it again. I'm sure you've thought about it, what happens when i finally fall apart? I can't promise you i can hold this forever, the smile, the sense of security, the happiness. It's fake, but for now, it's the closest thing i have to real. I'm afraid of never feeling again, how you make me feel, when your gone for long periods of time i go numb, completely cold and lifeless. Like i used to be before you. What happens when you leave for good? I won't stay warm in that box, i'll freeze and fade and tear when your gone. I am more scared now than i have ever been, and maybe that's because im finally admitting to you that all of this has pulled me to the very end of my strength and nerve. I can't be the girl in the picture you suddenly find years down the road, the one you remember, you smile when you pick up the picture, but quickly move it to a drawer or toss it. I want to be with you when you find it, and i want you to be in it to so we can put it somewhere for everyone to see, so everyone knows hows brave you made me. Im scared of walking out that front door, and of driving down the street, im scared of walking into every building, withouth you by my side, things collapse. I sound dependant, childish, perhaps even too scared, but with you i don't have to be. Even if we only talk for a minute, a huge weight lifts from my back and i can breathe again, i can function normally, without worry. It's those days we don't talk, those times we fight, those nights withouth you here, that i worry. I can't be without you. For once i can finally admit to you, Im scared to lose you.
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