Holy Spit!

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A relaxing bike ride quickly turns to judgment. However, the rider is quickly reminded of the age-old saying "Don't judge a book by its cover."

I wrote this story for a writing class and quite a few people enjoyed it. Hopefully, it will bring a smile to your face too. :)

Submitted: August 23, 2009

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Submitted: August 23, 2009



I woke up early Sunday morning and decided to get some exercise by going for a ride on my bicycle. Donning my helmet and gear, I hopped on my bike and took off. I decided to ride on one of the bike trails close to my house, one that led out into the rural part of town. As I rode along the trail, the sun began to rise and I could hear the birds chirping as they woke to begin their day. The air was cold but the bright orange colors of the autumn leaves warmed my sight.

Generally, I ride at a fairly quick pace. More often than not, I'm the one passing other people and rarely encounter someone passing me, even on my leisurely rides. Today, however, that all changed. He seemed to appear out of nowhere in my rear view mirror. I couldn't miss him, though, because he was dressed entirely in bright red Spandex. He was coming up on me pretty fast. I thought to myself, “Maybe I should speed up and give him a run for his money.” Then I decided I was enjoying my ride so much, I would just let him pass.

Moments later, I felt a rush of wind against my left arm. It was him. He flew by me like I was standing still and uncomfortably close. After passing me, he quickly moved over in front of me and I thought I heard him say “passed you,” as if to add insult to injury. What I saw next, I couldn't believe. It looked like spit came out from in front of him and back my way. Then I felt it, the wetness on my face. Ugh! I was aghast! As he left me in the dust, I saw the mud flap on his fender fade into the distance; it read “Jesus Saves.”

“Jesus Saves? What a hypocrite,” I mumbled to myself as I wiped off my face and let the cold air try to chill my temper. Not one to be easily frazzled for long, I regained my focus and continued on with my ride. A few miles down the trail, I came to a street crossing. When looking for traffic, I spotted the Man in Red's bike in front of a building. Curious, I turned down the street and headed over to where his bike was parked. The building was a church! Here he just blew by and spit on me and now he's going to church? This just keeps getting better, I thought to myself.

I pulled into the church parking lot without Mr. Two-Face noticing me. He was talking to a woman in the parking lot and I managed to just catch the last part of her sentence, where she said “Thank you, Father Thomas.” I almost fell off my bike. A priest that spits on others! The two faced, man in red, or should I now say, Father Thomas, finished up his conversation with the church patron. He then headed around the back of the building, where I presume he would get properly dressed for service. I don't know what would have possessed Father Thomas to spit on me and act hypocritically in his daily life, but I also know it's not my place to pass judgment on anyone. With that, I got back on my bike and started to head back to the bike trail.

Riding out of the parking lot, I rode by Father Thomas' bike and noticed something different about it. While I didn't miss the custom mud flap, I hadn't noticed the contraption mounted to his handlebars. Out of curiosity, I got off my bike to investigate. The contraption was a little plastic box that had the words “Holy Water” printed on it. It also had a red button on the front of it. Intrigued, I pressed the button. A speaker inside the box blurted out “Bless You” and a stream of water shot up out of a hose in the top of the box. All of a sudden, it all made sense! When he passed me, I didn't hear “Passed you”, I heard “Bless you” and what I thought was saliva was actually holy water!

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