Letters From Gavin

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic
this is a poem (half free verse, half ryhme scheme...) about my ex-bf who i still love.

Submitted: January 01, 2010

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Submitted: January 01, 2010

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"Hey, Gavin," I said to that athletic kid.

He went to my school as a senior.

His main priority was getting rid

of people with a happy demeanor.

I was that happy freshman girl,

who had never been in love.

But I turned my head and gave my hair a twirl,

to my boyfriends before we hugged.

I had a lot of guy friends,

but at that time I was single.

Gavin had caught my wandering eyes,

and I gave him a look with a twinkle.

"Tell me, Gavin, do you think we'd fall in love?"

"I don't know," he replied.

"I don't even know you," he just shrugged.

I smiled, "Well I do. Every day, all the time...."

After that conversation things were not the same.

He probably thought I stalked him.

I went to all his football games.

He rarely paid attention to me even when I mocked him.

Then one day everything changed.

I was just about to get on my bus.

He passed me a note and my emotions were rearranged,

I read it and he and I became "us."

He asked me out in that letter,

and I said yes

then I felt better.

"Was that a guess?"

Gavin had asked.

"No honey, that's just how I feel..."

He smiled at last,

"So do I, and it's real..."

I don't think he knew all the drama that exsisted in my life,

but just him being there made it better...

It was our 4 month annivarsary, and I wanted to be his wife.

And then, Gavin sent me another letter:

"Katy, baby, do you think that I'm in love?

Well I am, and it's been awhile...

what do you think about more than a hug?

Just get back to me, I love you."

I replied, with sincerity,

and I was getting nervous,

this relationship had longevity.

But I didn't want to splurge this...

"Yes, babe, I feel the same way.

Well what about a kiss?

What else can I say?

I love you, and it's you I miss..."

He saw me in the halls and took hold of my hand.

Gavin pressed it to his lips and then gave it back,

he put his mouth against mine like he wanted and,

then pulled away, I returned the favor right back.

This seemed to satisfy him for awhile.

We both enjoyed the feeling.

Once or twice I saw him smile,

and other times he was looking at the ceiling.

I asked him "What's up?"

and Gavin just looked down.

"Nothing...I'll write to you later,"

he replied with a frown.

Around four o'clock I read the note he wrote me,

and it read:

"Katy you are amazing but,

you act like you have nothing in that head!

I mean you're kind of a blonde bitch,

and I'm not trying to be like a dumb snitch,

but I heard some things about you being a whore.

It's been 8 months and I dunno if I can hang on anymore.

No sex, Katy, none at all.

I just wanna get some, baby.

I love you, but would you give the sex some thought?

Say yes, please? Maybe?"

I was so shocked and worried about this....

what we had wasn't enough and he called me a bitch!

Gavin just told me off, and he basically expected too much...

I was 14 and (not a virgin) but not a slut!!

I came to a conclusion;

We were on nearly month nine,

and I was willing to do anything

to keep our love alive.

It was a rainy sunday afternoon

and I had gotten back from church,

when I had made my way to his house

and his parents were at work.

Oh, if God was only there to warn me

I wasn't doing any good

by going to have sex with my older boyfriend,

as I walked through the slushy-sloshy neighborhood.

I arrived at his house.

Okay let's make this quick.

He kissed me and made it sweet,

And the clock in his room went "tik-tik-tik..."

I pressed myself against his body,

we exchanged body heat.

I must admit that things got naughty....

After that, I got dressed and clean then got to my feet.

We both exchanged awkward words,

and I soon left.

I didn't get a note for weeks

I wanted to kill myself.

my home life still was awful,

nothing had changed.

he didn't care and neither did i

if he was not willing to try

and by the looks of it,

he wasn't.

He only wanted me for sex

and I used him right back.

When i wasn't cutting myself

I was over at his house getting laid with what little self esteem i had...

I needed help!

Finally it came and we were going out for a year.

Things were slow and we were going downhill.

I hadn't gotten a note and nothing seemed real.

I could tell though,

by the look in his eyes,

something was wrong,

and I asked why.

He said "I'll tell you later,

when I pass you a note...

Katy, don't tell anyone, promise not to hate her..."

I got concerned at the letter he wrote.

I got it later around three and opened it.

"Earlier...when I said 'her',

I meant 'they' because

if you didn't already know, I am tired

of you and I've had enough...

I don't care about your family bullshit....

I see what you're doing to me, Katy,

and it's tearing me apart! I had to cheat on you! 

You're not THE ONE FOR ME.

There are other girls that get me and want me a

hell lot more than you.

Fuck you Katy,

And no, baby, I never wanted to fall in love.

There was a time when what we had was good.

But that changed for both of us and

I'm sorry that I did this to you,

but in my eyes you did just as bad to me...

You used me, God damn it!

I want to be your friend, because you're a nice girl,

but I can't carry on a relationship with you if it's gonna be like

this.

Now Tell me Katy, do you think that you're in love?

No more of that B.S. okay.

Bye.

-Your friend,

Gavin"

After that I didn't write back.

It was my fault,

not his.

He cheated,

I gave him reason.

I fueled the fire, gave him desire,

played the game,

then through it away.

He was only returning the favor.

Sometimes I saw him in the hall after that,

But I couldn't erase all the memories we had.

So one day, I returned the letter.

"Tell me, Gavin, do you think it's really over?

I love you too much

to let you go.

I used you,

I abused you,

but say it's not so...

Remember our song?

The one you sang wrong?

'1, 2, 3, 4, tell me that you love me more...'

I want to be friends,

at least I'll have that

if I can't have you. "

that was my last note to him.

I didn't get one back.

Yet.

Even if I never do, there will be an understanding between Gavin and me,

that is deeper than any other person could see.

And with that said,

I love you, Gavin.

I don't care what we had and how shattered it was,

a heart goes desperate and shattered and cold

but we were dying inside for each other.

He forgave me i suppose

but i guess we'll never know...

I was feeling his pain,

saying his name...

I always wanted to stop myself.

I couldn't get enough of him, as a person.

I needed personal help.

I'm still waiting for a letter from Gavin.


© Copyright 2020 Catherine Rudderick . All rights reserved.

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