Old Memories Just Got Older

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic

I know this poem is kinda long, but it's an apology and a learning story about anorexia and my experiences with cutting and how i thought i would die, and just some memories that i recalled in the hospital that made no sense why i had them, but for some reason they seemed important in comparison to my suffering.
i guess they were just things god wanted me to remember if i passed away...but im okay now, and my parents love me and forgave me and i forgave myself.
so please just read the poem if you can...
thanks.

I'm lying here in my hospital bed,

remembering all the things I did and said.

Some were worth it, others not so much.

Some of my dreams were too far to touch...

I take staggering, low, hard breaths...

Thinking back brings me closer to death.

So to pass the time, before I go,

I'll remember all I can just to let you know.

It's kinda funny how I have random stories,

but you thought my life was full of glory...

Well wakeup-call, because it's not.

because all I can recall will be soon forgot.

I remember that time, I sat at the laptop,

and chatted with some old friends.

It's funny kinda, but funny not,

because we didn't know how soon my life would end.

I sat there gnawing on toothpicks,

splintering them in my mouth,

then Mom turned on "Dance Flick"

as I spat (one by one) all the toothpicks out.

I also recollect one day sitting in Nanny's car,

chewing that peppermint gum she gave me,

it burned as it scraped past the scar

in my cheek from that bad accident,

and that gum never tasted so good

when it came from anyone else

but Nanny.

I remember dancing to loud music,

that was pretty great,

I cannot do that now,

due to this self inflicted fate.

I remember a time when we were walking at school,

me and some girlfriends of mine,

and how shattered we were when we found a red pool

of blood at the foot of the fence that surrounded the playground,

and it scared me out of my mind.

Snagged on the fence was a dead baby deer,

its leg caught on the barbwire...

we walked by, helpless, and now laying here,

and now I've never felt so similar.

Remember my first love, oh,

He was my one, my only.

I used him like a drug, though...

And he left me sad and lonely.

I wrote his name on the back of my hand

the day before we as an item were dead,

and when he told me it was at an end,

I scrubbed "Gavin" off my hand so fierce I bled...

that's when I began self-hatred...

the misery was more than I could take.

Daddy beat mom and I cried then fled.

Though I would return the next day.

A sick cycle carousel was my new reality,

and the blood from my cuts blended with my tears,

a razor was always by my bedside

and daddy was my biggest fear...

Mom and I planned to leave,

but we eventually got dad help.

He never touched mom like that again,

but I still cut myself.

Gavin babe, you left me a mess.

A ragged hole left in place of my chest.

and even though my family was fixed,

I still strived to be perfect.

I remember two fingers down my throat,

a shattered life trying to regain composure.

I was already beautiful and incredibly skinny.

I was just getting closer.

Then the day came, I recall,

when Daddy found his 13 year old girl

lying pale and frail on the floor.

Coiled up in a heap of bones and blood and vomit,

head propped up against the bathroom door.

I remember waking up in a white room,

with three tubes in my arms,

my parents were there, crying, and I whispered,

"I love you and I never meant you harm."

I remember those being my most honest words

I had ever spoken in my life.

So forget all those other short memories...

I won't remember or need them anymore.

My parents forgave me, I don't think I'll ever see "him" again,

I don't think the bastard cared anyway,

but I won't be released from the hospital ever, my life is almost at an end

and I know it's just a matter of time.

No prince to save me, no white horse,

It's my fault my life has almost run its course.

I'm at fault for this slow suicide,

because I bled so much and I cried and cried,

and I binged and purged,

All this blood and weight I shedded can never be replaced.

The only thing I will remember when I leave this world is my loved ones' hurt faces...

But I love them and I never meant to hurt them.

I won't need memories when I go,

but it was nice while I had 'em.

And memories just got old.


Submitted: January 01, 2010

© Copyright 2020 Catherine Rudderick . All rights reserved.

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