Run Now; Guilt Has a Steady Stride

Reads: 283  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
my personally dificult life just got worse...

Submitted: January 30, 2010

A A A | A A A

Submitted: January 30, 2010

A A A

A A A


God, oh help me, God. Give me your mercy. I turn my head so I do not have to look at him. I turn my mobile phone over so I won't acknowledge the fact that he texted me...I block all his calls but the ringing is still in my head. Why is he always chasing me, following me? I wonder if he was delivered unto me so I would be taught a lesson in honestly...

Not too long ago, I pranked him over the phone...I don't even know how I got his number. I was just pranking him, showing off at a sleep-over. He didn't know my true identity anyway; I don't know why I lied and told him my name was Trisha. The most he saw of me throughout the day  was not much. We passed each other, but I doubt he would recognize my name. All in all, I lied to him over the phone. I recollect it very vividly; "Hello? This is Trisha. I go to your school..."  were my first words.

"Oh, hi. This is Cody," he replied. After that call, he saved my number. My cell was blowing up with messages from him...my life became a lie. I became Trisha. I was Trisha. God, help me. He is everywhere. I know who he thinks I am, but he doesn't know my real identity. I have betrayed my life and left it behind. I am believing my own lies and getting caught up in them. He won't leave me alone. Every wrong number, every knock at the door...I say, "Who is this?" and the reply is always, "Cody." How does he get my number and address without finding out it's really me, without finding out it's really just little old Katy?

He always finds away to interupt my life and disrupt me! Do you know how many cover-ups I've had to make for him, to save my own hide? Cody is not a good boy...if he found out who Trisha really was, he would surely send his gang after me...

I cannot be myself anymore because he is always there. He is always going to be there until I tell him who Trisha really is. I have lost myself and simply made him believe it; thus there is no one to blame but myself. I hate him, and I hate Trisha, and I hate myself overall. I have no one to talk to because everyone thinks I'm crazy. They say, "Catherine, we'd be glad to give you advice, but we don't know who you are anymore."

I cannot blame them. Still, I got myself so far into Trisha's life that when I try to live my own, I don't function properly. He emails me and texts me and calls me and says, "Is Trisha there?" In his mindstate, even if I told him it was me, he would not understand because while talking to him as Trisha, I have made no connection between she and myself. I delve deeper into this dank life. Colors look bleak, and normally, I would appreciate color...but I don't any instead, I shiver at the sight of red or yellow...Everything is not like me. She took over my life, and so did he. I gave power to some people that I had no connotation with. Of course I don't tell anyone; they can figure out these changes themselves. I'm always running from the truth for him; and I don't like him. It's a wonder my brain isn't bleeding. I already have headaches, stomach ulsers, and stress problems...

The only time I am myself is when I'm alone, and I will start to be myself when and only when I tell him the truth. That will be so hard, and I'm risking my own safety....then again it isn't to safe trying to be a totally different person that I'm not. I'm a simple shell of who I used to be. The only thing similar with the me now and the me a year ago is my appearence.

So God, give me the courage to face my prolonged lies (for I believe it was insecurity that forced me into this predicament in the first place...), or strike me down now for all this sinning to put me out of my misery and save the person I was trying to be, along with the boy I was torturing. They say a bee won't sting you if you don't give it a reason to; hence all this is my fault, not Cody's. He wouldn't have contacted or bullied me if I never contacted or bullied me. He liked Trisha, not me. I screwed around with him because it was fun, but it's all fun and games 'til someone loses an eye. I crossed that line a long time ago.

All I know now is that only you can save me, God, and you are probably the only one who knows who I am and who I've been. My life is ripping at the seams and I'm tired of this carousel I'm on. I run fast, because my guilt has a steady stride and it usually catches me...


© Copyright 2020 Catherine Rudderick . All rights reserved.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Add Your Comments: