Living with Depression

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
A short story between the deep feelings of coping with depression and the torment that is felt along with it

Submitted: March 08, 2015

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Submitted: March 08, 2015

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~How can moods change so much, the swings between depression and happiness, the sadness that is profound, deep and ever so worrying, the type where you feel like your constantly falling, descending ever downwards into the depths of your hell. The blackness that is all consuming, where sunlight, and hope, it seems never shall dwell, then like the flick of a switch or an engine being ignited a spark, that doesn’t just illuminate, it blasts and explodes the despairs away, replacing it with a high that makes you giddy, bouncing and hyperactive inside. One extreme replacing another, no middle or neutral ground, just a shuddering explosion or implosion that takes you on a journey either upward or down.
The human mind is a beautiful thing, one that every person should appreciate, true it is complex, too complex for me, but mine, I find it , well, somewhat of an enigma. So many variables enter the equation of my life everyday, questions, frustrations, stresses and emotions, all crashing together with a volatility that I find astounding  and quite honestly scary at times.
My mind is a tempest, a storm of unpredictability, that sends every part me of in all directions, except level. When I feel the sensations, the warnings of depression blowing within me, it is often rapid and malevolent. Try as I might, I have not yet found a way to stop or deflect it, to calm it.
It is like a marauding army of darkness advancing, a soulless, emotionless barrage, marching onwards. It consumes me, devouring my mind, crushing and obliterating the rebellion with mighty almost heraldic blows. I feel the torment of its weapon, the doubt, self-hating begin to rise and infest, my mind struggles but its in vain, as the daylight of hope is squeezed remorselessly out. I am a small, insignificant, tiny molecule, amongst a huge never ending vastness, of spec of uselessnes failure, hiding amongst the others that have achieved so much.
I feel the fear of in trepidation soak into my form, the dense blackness of desperation consume and cover me, its claws digging, grasping at me without hope. My thoughts darken, begin to descend into the limitless pit where images of my own torment ravaged me. I think the worst of myself, I can see no light, no hope nor its glimmer, I am consumed by despair and my submits, switching from the living to the terminal and endlessness of my demise.
Death is an option that haunts me, its like an ever present echo that lingers, one that grows and expands ever stronger in moments like these. No longer is it held in restraints, its free and rampant, like a demonic force that aims to dominate, control and bend to its will. I feel myself sinking, if not plunging into the darkness of despair, free falling at a hundred miles per hours, with no parachute or brake to either slow the descent of bring it a shuddering halt.
Emotions boil, sadness overwhelms me, my future fades as the echo continues to consumes. I withdraw from the world, my phone is switched off, internet disconnected, curtains drawn. I seem to take a perverted satisfaction in my wallowing, as the energy saps from my body, like a fading life force does from a dying soul.
I want to just melt away, to meld into the vacuum of nothingness, to be consumed and end the silent suffering, the invisible torment that has afflicted me for as long as I can remember. I feel as though I’m a victim to something within me which can’t be controlled, a struggle, if not a war for dominance that is exhausting and never ending.
I close my eyes and dwell upon the failure, the mistakes and self loathing that resides and rages within me. I slip further and further into the abyss that engulfs me, despairing at a life that I can not understand or really justify. Thoughts of death now hold me in a vice like grip, sometimes peaceful, more often violent scenario’s, that are bloody, but all ending with the finale of me departing from this world. At times I can not even say that I am alive, I do nothing more than exist, other times I become enraged, argumentative, combatant, just to see a stranger rise to the challenge and see if this is the one that could end my life. Options, possibilities ways to end the pain of life, flood through my mind, self harming going to far, tablets that yearn to be taken, or a shotgun resting inside the mouth, with a willing finger upon the trigger. They are all there, my ghosts that haunt me, tempting me to indulge the eternity of death that I appear to seek.
Then within a split second, everything changes, a shudder traverses through me, the blackness implodes, light of angelic brightness and salvation rampages through me, despair is no-more. Nothing has changed, yet everything has, emotions that were suppressed are now lifted and elevated, a mind that was blackened and weighed down with doubt, a body which was lack-lustre, empty and desolate is renewed with vibrancy, pulsing with excitement and elation. I feel giddy, happy, internally where once there was nothing, I’m positively pulsating with something, shinny warmth and pleasure where coldness and numbness had existed only seconds before.
I still have all the same worries and stresses, I have no magic wand to have been waved, yet in the blink of an eyes, the low extreme has gone, replaced by another extreme me which I cannot fathom. I struggle with the contrasts, the emotions that ebb and flow, the tidal waves that consume and devour. There is no level ground, no middle way, just the turmoil’s of different poles. The war of emotions is on going, never ending and I am the battlefield upon which it is enacted, I carry the scar, yet to look upon me, one wouldn’t know. I don’t know if its medical, mental or just plain imaginary, one day perhaps I learn to control them, I dare not believe I could banish them.  The thing I do know is that they are all too frequent and I do fear them, for the high never seems to last as long as lows.
 


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