LOVE and SENSES

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
People know me as someone beautiful, smart, strong-willed and always an achiever. Relatives are proud of me, friends are pleased to have me and I? I am in love. Then, I no longer know what I have become. It wasn't love that molded me, it was the pain that killed me first which made me more alive.

Submitted: September 23, 2011

A A A | A A A

Submitted: September 23, 2011

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A A A


The HYPE:

That morning, we had a fight again. It wasn’t actually a serious fight but what people usually call a lover's quarrel. However, as always, he didn’t leave without having it resolved. He would even choose not to go to work just to make sure that he could make me feel better and save our relationship. When I tried to sleep afterward, my mind was so full of him that I decided to write this.

I was about to get on the company’s elevator when I saw this man wearing a very nice coat. He looked confidently good but without any air of smugness. It was really untypical of me to notice men with their looks but there was something about him that made me tell my friend, ‘I’ll get him’. A challenge, yeah, but it was conceitedly ridiculous when I think of it now. When I found out about his age, I backed off before I could even start anything because I was more drawn to older men. Besides, what I was resolved to do was just to have fun so it was easy to drop the scheme. Without me noticing it, he was already drawn to me. Deeper and seriously. However, I couldn’t count the reasons why I tried to avoid him but along the way, I fell on enjoying all of them.

1. Even when we were more on a clique status, I hated his cheesiness but as days passed, I learned to appreciate them because of his sincerity. I had even noted most of his lines.

After an argument, I pushed him away and blurted, “What is it that you really want from me?!” He then smiled and answered, “When I think of you, all the negative things about you rushes in my head yet, I can’t help myself from smiling. I can’t believe how lucky I am even by just being with you.”

During an early company activity, he texted me as I entered the activity room, ”You always take my breath away every time I see you...”

“I want you to know and I want you to remember it. There’s nothing, nothing, that I wouldn’t do for you.”

“I love you. It’s wrong for me to say so much because I can’t even describe how much I love you.”

“The only thing that gets me through a very tiring day is the fact that I will be able to see you in the end of the day.”

When he told me about his ex-gf, I was so bothered because I was worried with the manipulative personality that she had. He then hugged me and sincerely said, “She was my stepping stone to you. She is absolutely nothing compared to you in any way. Being worried about her is like being worried about a damaged and invaluable stairs which has no importance.”

I have noted almost a hundred of his lines already and still noting until these days. He doesn’t know I’m doing it because what he knows is that I hate poignant statements in talking.

2. I loved being pampered but I didn’t like being bribed. Yes, bribed. When he tried to soothe me out or make me happy by giving a lot of things and spending a lot on me, it irritated me because I understood it as bribery. I also thought that he was giving much because he wanted something great. Besides, men who spent a lot never impressed me. Subsequently, I found out that it was natural of him because he grew up in a very affluent family where everything and anything good to obtain was attainable. I was a snob and very hard to please so pampering and spoiling me was his own way of making me smile and lighten my mood. He, on the other hand, had a very shallow happiness. Whenever I smiled, his face instantly brightened like he won something so wonderful. When I laughed, he became more enthusiastic and would laugh at my simplest post of humour. Nevertheless, I couldn’t sense even a tinge of pretense from him. Thus, I had learned to adore his ways of expressing his feelings, including his countless generous and caring means.

3. His looks were very deceiving. He was a lot stronger than he seemed to be and at first, I admittedly thought the other way around. Since I was sickly and physically fragile, I considered his strength as a threat. Yet, with the times he carried me when I got weakened and his admirable restraints with his temper, I soon realized that his strength was not for my disadvantage but for my protection and benefit. I came to appreciate it and thanked God for it because with my weakness, I needed his strength.

4. Without a doubt, he was a very, very jealous man. Almost all of our arguments grew from his jealous behavior. Whenever we walked together, he would hold me so tight and pull me so close to him which would make walking a bit of a challenge to me. He was always glum and sulky because his eyes were alert enough to catch men looking and flirting on me. He noticed even the kids who would smile and glare at me and the old ones who seriously stare.

One time, my eyes met the gaze of a man as he stared at me. My honey, on the other hand, saw it and exclaimed things out of jealousy. I kept my silence but from then on, I secured him well with my loyalty. Now, he’s more considerate and understanding. Moreover, I learned to enjoy his possessiveness. The fascinating thing was, he would aptly become sweeter and loving even in his hot-tempered moments.

5. This was the most challenging one. Since he grew up having people to do things for him, he was really no good in household chores. In contrast, I became independent at a very young age so I was equipped with those skills. The first time I saw him wash the dishes, it was so strenuous not to laugh. The way he held the plates was like holding a baby. He didn’t even know how to cook rice. It was really funny every time he helped me out with household chores. When he tried to fry a fish, he placed a slice on the edge of the pan and expected it to slide down to the middle. Anybody who knew how to cook would foresee what would happen to the fish. I really surged in giggles and he looked at me with curious eyes. Now, he’s improving a lot. He already has much initiative to take on doing such tasks and he’s doing better.

He said that I was the only person who was able to motivate and help him become the best out of himself and that, he learned a lot from the times we were together. What he didn’t know was the fact that he changed me as well. I was usually impatient and I always resorted to break-ups whenever conflict arose. I didn’t bother to see reasons behind mistakes. Moreover, I was distinctively apprehensive of getting hurt in any way. I always wanted to be in dominance. For these reasons, I made him suffer in ways I wasn’t even fully aware of. I didn’t believe his words and I always mocked his caring kindness towards me. I held on to the thought that men could never be real so I ignored every pain I see in him. Everything turned upside down when I asked him this one morning,

“Aren’t you sick and tired of this relationship yet? We have conflicts almost every section of the day and you always get hurt.”

In my mind, I was already prepared with countless unfavorable answers to the question I raised and was even more prepared to end it. What I wasn’t prepared was to receive this answer from him,

“Loving means sacrificing and getting hurt. Love doesn’t promise happiness but it assures pain. What makes it wonderful is the fact that beyond all this pain, I still keep on falling for you.”

The FALL:

He was always there for me when I needed him. Because of that, I learned so well to love the way he was defining love; SACRIFICE. We belonged in different religions and his religion prohibited any contact or intimate bonding with the 'outsiders'. Because I loved him so much, I couldn't stand the threats, the criticisms and the pressure he received from having a girlfriend outside of their religious organization. I decided to cross the gap and join them. My family, with all the trust and confidence they had for me, supported me well. I wasn't tried and tested by my family and friends with the decision I made; instead, my life was made hell by his people. I endured it all though; the violent judgements, the criticisms, the heart-breaking gossips and the curses that I got every day. I stood firm with my decision, painful and hard, but it was love I was holding on with. For him.

When he was asked by his family to come back to their place and help in their family business, I thought that a long distance relationship could really surpass any trials as long as we trusted and loved each other. And so, it was fine with me that he went away, Right then, everything started to change. He became cold, harsh and almost didn't care about me anymore. Thinking that it was just distance that made him that way, I decided to follow him and save the relationship. There was this girl then that he considered as his best friend, living in the same place where he was. I didn't dislike the girl but I disliked her attitude. She would keep on making stories about me making him see only my bad sides and she would do the same about him when she was talking to me. Apparently, she would just wanted us to fight and get rid of each other but she did it in a way that she would still appear like she just cared for us. Seeing this, I asked him to avoid her because she was always a trouble-maker but he didn't listen. When I transferred to where he was, the situation was already worse than I thought. He didn't pick me up from the airport. He didn't even come to see me that day, or even the next day, or weeks. But then, he was always there to pick the girl up whenever she asked him to.

I looked for a job in that place and it was hard because I was always tagged as overqualified by the companies following the place's qualifications. They were also apprehensive with my salary background with the previous companies I worked with because they were 3x higher than what they could offer. When we had a fight one day, he shouted at me and held me in a way that his hands left bruises on my arms and legs and he said a lot of excruciating and humiliating words making my sel-esteem fall down to my feet. He kept on insulting me for not finding a job immediately and that, being beautiful couldn't save me in life. He said that being a magna cum laude in college was a joke and me, myslef, was a big joke. He said I was nothing and I didn't deserve to be treated well. The hurting didn't just stop there. It became frequent, regardless of the publicity of the place. Even in malls, he would drag me and threw my bag away when his temper got hold of him, even to the point of breaking my wristwatch. He wouldn't visit me if I wouldn't make a big fuss over it and when we were together, he would keep on making me feel like being there with me was torture for him. That was painful, so painful. Still, I loved him more and thought that maybe, I was really at fault with it and he was just stressed out from work and from all the pressure he always received from his family. He usually complained about his mom and his siblings; I would listen and boost him up, encouraging him that everything would be all right. I did my best to understand him. Even at times he couldn't visit me, I often came to their town to visit him but every time I was there, he would hide me and ask me not to go around places. He even asked me not to go to church there because his family and friends might see me. Painful again, but I just swallowed it and let it pass. Forgiven. That love.

On his birthday, I decided to surprise him and visited him in their town. He didn't look so pleased with it although he said he was. He was with me for a short time then he requested his friends, including that girl, to accompany me for the rest of my stay there. They had a party in their house and eventually, I wasn't invited. He even aske dme not to stroll around becuase people might see me since a lot of his friends were expecting me to come that day. So, I maintained a very discreet presence. Talk about self-respect and self esteem being drained down the sink! I went home the next day crying inside but showed him all my smiles. I just love this man so much. So, forgiven.

I was praying for our relationship to surpass everything and get back to how we were on our early 'couple' days and I kept on hoping for it. All hopes went down on that Saturday morning. He called and asked if I loved him. I said he was my life. He then asked how could he be my life if there were so many things in my life he didn't like. I said he just didn't like them because he didn't understand, he was busy with his thoughts and beliefs that he couldn't see me well. I knew his family hated me and his friends as well, being not a completely part of their religion yet, they considered me a curse and a bearer of misfortunes. He was scared of losing all the wealth and financial authority that would be given down to him by his parents for loving me. He was also scared of being outcasted by his friends and acquaintances in church for being with me. Then, those words; he said he couldn't see his future with me anymore, I wasn't good enough for him, he no longer needed me, he didn't want to see me again, we loved at the wrong time and he didn't want me to go to their town ever again. Wow. Talk about millions of knives fying through your heart all at the same time! Well, no, it was more painful than that. I knew there were more reasons he wasn't telling me. I wanted to stop breathing that day. I wanted to just pass out and never wake up again. I left my friends and my high-paying job, I separated myself from my family, I changed my great lifestyle, I risked going to a new environment and started all over again, I had no friends and totally alone but I thought it was all right because I had him, I risked the embarassment of being the girl in the relationship but the one who kept on going to his place to visit him, I supported all his decisions even if they were unfair to me and I even befriended that girl to make things fine with us. And him. He saw me as a wicked, shameful girl, a good-for-nothing, full of misfortunes, a hindrance to his success and a threat to his highly esteemed religious image. If I had an ocean of tears, I could have dried them all out that day.

The LETTER:

(The letter I sent to him when I finally accepted it ended; 5 days after he dropped the bomb on me.)

Hi, how are you? I bet you’re doin’ fine and I’m glad. I’m sorry if I’ve done a lot of things that you didn’t like. I didn’t like that about myself as well. I have just loved you so much. Perhaps, more than I’ve loved myself. So, even if you’ve already given up because of your fears, I still wanted to be strong for you and fight for us. I’ve seen a lot of couples who have been tortured by the people around them yet, they just became stronger while succeeding. You said, “It’s not the right time.” The truth is, ‘right time’ only applies to marriage, not love, because time will always challenge love.

I used to think that you’re the only one who knows me best but I was wrong. I’ve realized that you really don’t know me. You see me as a completely bad person and I’ve come to believe the way you see me as well. I lost my worth. I may be spoiled by your love but I am not a bad person. Every time I reach out to people, I’m sincere and honest with myself. I want to help and touch lives. Remember when we helped the old man and when I was talking with his daughter, I pushed you away? It was because I have some things to tell her that I didn’t want you to be there. Having you there would make her defensive and my psychological therapy wouldn’t work. I wanted to make her reflect about their situation and accept her father. But the therapy should have been short and intensive so we needed to be alone. Eventually, I wasn’t able to do it. I couldn’t whisper to you as well because she would suspect my motives. I knew you didn’t understand me. I saw the irritation on your face and the way you misunderstood. That time, I realized that you really didn’t know and trust me to do good things. If only I could open my chest and show you my heart so you would stop assuming about my thoughts...

You said we’re done. I asked God if it really is. Like what I’ve told you, I asked for signs and He gave me all. But as the days went by, you’ve showed me nothing but coldness and emptiness. Your words and actions contradicted all the answers that God has given me. As what you have known, I am a fighter and not a quitter. I also have fears and I know that the future wouldn’t be perfect for us but I was willing to take the risk. Besides, nothing is perfect, there would always be struggles. I fought for you and for us even if you have already given up. God knows I didn’t quit. I fought for what he gave me. But then, I believe that even God would understand why I have to stop. There’s no more love in your heart. Nothing’s there for me. Nothing’s left to fight for. The things you’ve said, I have already accepted them. And yes, I’ve learned a lot. I love you. You don’t love me but God does and it’s enough.

You don’t need to call or contact me anymore just to be civil. With or without you, I will be okay. I know you’re happy so I don’t need to wish you that. Just take care of yourself, okay? Learn to be brave and fight for what you want. If you think you can’t do it, ask God for courage, not to accept failures and follow what others want for you, but the courage to stand firm and follow your heart. It’s hard but believe me, the greatest things in life are always out of courage.

~LOVE AND SENSES~


© Copyright 2020 Cervellerain. All rights reserved.

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