Hooking Up With Mr. Write

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
A shy writer comes home one night to find out his Don Juan actor-roommate has hooked up with the one TV star he has had a crush on since high school. A friendship ensues and romance develops.

Submitted: December 13, 2015

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Submitted: December 13, 2015

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EXT. FARMLAND - DAY

A lone cow is standing in an open, barren field, surrounded
by.... nothing, nothing at all. A male voice narrates.

MALE (V.O.)
My name is Allan Porter. When I was
growing up, I thought we lived in a
town called 'Buttville' because my
Dad would open a map, point to a
corner and say 'We live way out
here in Buttville'.

The cow emits a single solitary moo and begins peeing.

ALLAN (V.O.)
There wasn't much to do. Our school
was small. It had only 100 kids.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT

It is a Friday night football game. The tiny stands are
full, containing a few hundred people.

Out on the field, a small high school band, consisting of
one tuba player, one drum, one clarinet and two horns, tries
to play the school song while the conductor leads.

ALLAN (V.O.)
I was not very good at sports. But
because we had so few players, I
often got to play.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - LATER

The team is lining up to kick a field goal. A small
bespectacled player is brought out to kick: ALLAN PORTER.

He nervously lines up and kicks as hard as he can: a direct
shot... right into the center's butt and up into the air.
Both teams look on in amazement and then scramble for the
now-skittering away football.

ALLAN (V.O.)
I was the guy you didn't want on
your team.

EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAYTIME

A group of kids are picking sides for baseball teams.

In the middle all alone is Allan, waiting to be picked.

Beside him, two team captains play Rock-Paper-Scissors to
decide who gets him.

The winner raises his fist and directs Allan to the other
team. Two players from that team throw down their gloves in
anger.

INT. PARENT'S BEDROOM - DAY

Allan's father is standing in front of a closet. He proudly
pulls out a MATCHING blue sports jacket and pants, shows
them to Allan, lays them out on the bed and leaves the room.

ALLAN (V.O.)
I also did not follow any clothing
fashions that might be hip or cool.

Allan looks into the closet and pulls out a NOT MATCHING red
and white striped sports jacket and a pair of brown and
yellow checkered pants. He looks at them proudly.

EXT. SCHOOL BUS STOP - DAY

Students are chattering away. The gym teacher is trying to
calm them while holding a clipboard and a whistle.

Allan enters the bus wearing the red and white striped
sports jacket and brown and yellow checkered pants.

The kids stop talking and go into shock. The gym teacher
looks over. His whistle falls to the floor followed by the
clipboard.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

The same bus pulls up to a school with a large sign saying
"WELCOME ALL SCHOOLS TO CAREER DAY!"

Allan enters the school wearing his hideous outfit. Several
cheerleaders are putting up a large "CAREER DAY" banner.
They look at him. Their banner falls to the floor.

A college recruiter sees him walking towards his booth. He
quickly hides all the pamphlets and denies any affiliation
to any school.

ALLAN (V.O.)
To let you know how bad this outfit
was. Years later, I Googled it and
the only thing that popped up
wearing it was a ceramic monkey.

EXT. ALLAN'S DRIVEWAY - EVENING

Allan arrives home wearing the same hideous outfit. His
father stands in the driveway, looking at him in shock.

EXT. ALLAN'S BACKYARD - EVENING

A fire pit is in full bore roaring away with flames high.

Allan's Dad holds the offending sports jacket and pants on a
stick over the pit. The outfit bursts into flames.

Nearby, sitting on a rock, pouting and looking out at the
woods, Allan sits in his underwear.

ALLAN (V.O.)
I did not get to date in school. I
did get to go to my prom though.

INT. ALLAN'S LOCKER IN SCHOOL HALLWAY

Allan is at his locker putting his books away. He turns
around and is surprised by six cheerleaders surrounding him.

CHEERLEADER #1
Have you asked anyone to prom yet?

CHEERLEADER #2
Please say no! Please say no!

ALLAN
No. Are you asking me? Really?

CHEERLEADER #1
The band canceled. We need a DJ.

CHEERLEADER #2
We get to approve your suit.

INT. SCHOOL GYM - PROM NIGHT

Allan is wearing the blue suit his father had picked out for
him and sitting at a table playing music while couples
around him make out.

He pulls out a picture of a girl from his wallet and looks
at it longingly.

ALLAN (V.O.)
I had only one interest in school.

INT. ALLAN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Allan is watching a TV show by himself and laughing.

ALLAN (V.O.)
I watched television. And I watched
one show on the Dimestore Network:
"Tamera on Camera."

Allan laughingly points at the television, looks over as if
to tell someone about the scene and realizes he is alone.

ALLAN (V.O.)
Amanda Wickens was the star. She
was the epitome of a good girl. She
never lost her temper or said a bad
word about anyone. She was a young
proper teenager who got better
looking every year.

We see clips of AMANDA WICKENS, a tall blond beauty, posing
ever so model-like in every scene.

ALLAN (V.O.)
Everyone had a crush on her. I had
a crush on her costar.

We see clips of the costar TERRI HILLER, who is seen
wise-cracking and doing the physical comedy of the show.

ALLAN (V.O.)
Terri Hiller was my favorite. She
was the brassy, sassy sidekick. I
watched her grow from age 12 to 22
although on the show she was still
in high school.  I bought every
magazine she was in and put her
pictures on my wall.

Allan is adding picture after picture of Terri while his
parents look at the wall, concerned.

ALLAN (V.O.)
Kids would actually come over to
look at my wall collage.

We see kids counting the pictures in his room.

KID #1
223 pictures and eight posters!

KID #2
Jesus, you are weird!

ALLAN (V.O.)
Sometimes my only friend, Dave,
would come over to look at my
pictures. He said his own room was
too crowded with three brothers. He
always brought along company.

An extremely handsome young boy, DAVE, enters Allan's room
with a very pretty girl. The girl looks at all the pictures
and then at Dave.

DAVE
Didn't you say Terri Hiller was
hot? Look at all these pictures!

GIRL  
She is hot! This is so hot!

Dave and the girl fall onto Allan's bed and start kissing.

ALLAN (V.O.)
Dave loved bringing friends over to
see my pictures. He was so kind.

Allan is pointing out pictures of Terri, while Dave and
different girls make out on Allan's bed.

At one point Allan is trying to put a picture of Terri on
the wall, but the bed seems to be shaking far too much.

ALLAN (V.O.)
Dave had a way with women. He dated
the head cheerleader and the prom
queen and both had boyfriends.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT

The team is set to run a play. The quarterback lines up
behind the center. He looks over the field to start the play
and notices Dave walking into the woods with two girls.

The quarterback taps the shoulder of the running back. They
stand up and watch the trio disappear into the woods. Both
run off the field into the woods after Dave in full gear
with the coaches yelling away. A referee throws a flag.

EXT. SIDE STREET IN BUTTVILLE - EVENING

Allan is sitting in a car waiting as if he is the lookout in
a bank robbery.

Suddenly, we see Dave crawling out of a window,
half-dressed, sneaking out to Allan's car.

ALLAN (V.O.)
Even older women liked Dave. Which
made the boyfriend situation
sometimes a bit more dangerous.

EXT. ANOTHER SIDE STREET IN BUTTVILLE - EVENING

Allan is waiting in his car. He is eating a doughnut from a
box of Winchell's beside him, when a cop car pulls into the
driveway near him.

The State Trooper gets out of his car, holding a lunch box
and whistling as he heads into the house.

Allan is frozen, holding his half-eaten doughnut. Dave slips
out of a side window with only a shirt and underwear on and
runs to the car holding his shoes and pants.

ALLAN (V.O.)
This came to a head one day at
school.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

There is an obvious fight going on, but we cannot see who is
fighting. Kids are yelling "Fight! Fight!" as more gather.

Allan watches as the Principal separates the participants.

Two women, whose clothes are torn and look a bit bloody are
still swinging. They look a bit older than the students.

ALLAN (V.O.)
The Spanish Teacher and the Womens'
Basketball coach had gotten into a
fight... over Dave. In our county,
you had two options for work:
mining and logging. I certainly
didn't want to be a miner.

INT. DEEP INSIDE A MINE - NIGHT

Allan is running for his life from a large mine machine that
is caving in a wall he was standing next to.

ALLAN (V.O.)
And I sure didn't want to be a
logger.

EXT. DEEP INSIDE A FOREST - DAY

Allan is running for his life from a large tractor that is
knocking down trees, nearly crushing him as they fall.

INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY

Allan is looking at a book, wide-eyed, as Dave makes out
with a girl next to him.

ALLAN (V.O.)
Dave and I both went to college.
It was a local college: Buttville
Community College. In fact, Dave
was with me when I made the amazing
discovery that changed my life and
set me on my career path.

Allan is looking more and more amazed as he reads this
particular book.

ALLAN
Oh, my God! Dave! Actors don't just
make things up. Someone writes the
stuff! A writer comes up with the
lines and the story!

Dave stops making out with the girl and looks at the book.

DAVE
Oh, come on. The writer just types
what they say! It's like keeping
minutes for the student council.

ALLAN
No! This book says a writer comes
up with it first! I want to do
that! I want to write for movies!

DAVE
Then I want to be in them. You type
the lines and I'll say them!

ALLAN
We'll meet writers and artists!

DAVE
We'll meet girls! Lots of them!

EXT. YET ANOTHER SIDE STREET IN BUTTVILLE - AFTERNOON

Allan is sitting in his car, waiting for Dave. A car pulls
into the driveway and a happy-looking guy gets out of the
car, whistling as he walks into the house.

ALLAN (V.O.)
One day we both realized that
Buttville was too small for us.

Dave is sneaking out a side window of a house. He runs
towards the car with a girl waving at him from the window.

Dave hops into the car and Allan starts to pull away.

Suddenly, the happy guy comes out with a shotgun. He fires
at their car, blowing the back window out.

Allan and Dave scream as they peel out.

FREEZE FRAME: Allan and Dave are frozen in horror.

ALLAN (V.O.)
And that is how we decided to go to
Hollywood.

INT. ALLAN AND DAVE'S APARTMENT

Allan is sitting at his laptop writing at the kitchen table
while Dave is making out with a very pretty woman.

ALLAN (V.O.)
Dave's career took off. He landed
spots on TV shows and commercials.
Dave got me into parties, but I
mostly stayed home and wrote. We
got to know another person in our
apartment building.  He was always
borrowing my car. I figured he
needed a helping hand.

A snarky-looking man, reeking of arrogance is at their door
asking for Allan's car keys: RICHARD CRAMP.

ALLAN (V.O.)
His name was Richard Cramp. He
worked in the mail room of a large
agency and started reading people's
mail. He got caught...

Richard Cramp is shown being confronted by AGENCY MEN
dressed to the nines. They seem to be interrogating him. He
hangs his head and admits his guilt. The men smile, shake
his hand and lead him to his new office.

ALLAN (V.O.)
And was promoted. He started a
blog, landed a job on a gossip show
and his career took off. Meanwhile,
Dave hooked up with models, while I
saw them from afar.

MONTAGE: We see various shots of Dave talking to pretty
women while Allan is in the background nibbling on fruits
and cheeses, keeping out of the spotlight.

ALLAN (V.O.)
In two years, I had never seen the
stars of "Tamera on Camera" until
the day Dave got me into a movie
premiere. This is where it began.

INT. POST MOVIE PREMIERE PARTY - NIGHT

We are at a very posh post-movie premiere party. Dance music
plays as well-dressed industry people chat among large
decorated pillars of fruits, vegetables and finger foods.

Standing near a pillar of fruit, Dave is eyeing women who
are looking back at him. Allan looks around nervously.

ALLAN
I can't believe I'll finally see
Terri Hiller! This is amazing.

DAVE
Man, If I could get with Amanda or
Terri, I'd be a happy man.

ALLAN
I saw Matt Thompson here from the
"Matador Ring" movies. I heard he
has paintings of himself as a god.

DAVE
Poseidon, Ares and Prometheus.

ALLAN
How do you know?

DAVE
One of his girlfriends gave me a
tour of his place.

ALLAN
You did it in his house?

DAVE
Out by the pool. The paintings made
me uncomfortable.

ALLAN
Sometimes I think you are
exaggerating a bit.

Dave pulls out his cellphone, clicking around with his thumb
and holds it toward Allan, while still keeping his eye on
the women walking by.

ALLAN
Who are the guys chasing him?

DAVE
Those are the other gods trying to
stop him from giving mankind fire.
But actually I think it's Vin
Diesel, Chris Pine and Jet Li.
There's an after-party up in the
hills. My agent got us in.

ALLAN
I was going to go to Otkaz.

DAVE
The nerd pub? Stay here and meet
women. Hey, there's Richard.

In one part of the room Richard is conducting interviews.

DAVE
They say he's working on some big
story about Hollywood actresses.

ALLAN
As long as he doesn't ruin my crush
on Terri. I don't know whether I'm
more excited or nervous. She has
been on TV and in my life for ten
years! Ten wonderful years!

DAVE
You aren't having lunch with her.
She is just walking by. Good God,
you were so obsessive over her.

ALLAN
Hey don't knock obsessive fans.
We're the ones who go to their
movies fifteen times and buy every
magazine they are in.

DAVE
And crawl over security gates to
proclaim their love.

ALLAN
Those are the dark ones. They stain
the rest of us. One nut does
something stupid and the rest of us
pay the price for it.

DAVE
The rest of you fantasize about sex
with her ten times a day.

ALLAN
Never. I have never had sex in my
dreams. It gets interrupted all the
time. It's like a little Jesuit
lives inside my head. If I start to
run the sex projector, he runs into
my mental film booth and stops it.

DAVE
You don't look at Terri and think
she'd be fun to have sex with?

ALLAN
No, I look at her and think she'd
be fun to take to a museum.

DAVE
And that answer would get you a big
X on Family Feud. Things we'd like
to do with Terri Hiller: take her
to a museum.
(makes a buzzer sound)
She's in some hot outfit and you're
telling her about Picasso. Keep
picking at your fruit plate.

Amanda and Terri slowly make their way towards them.

ALLAN
(to himself)
I can do this. Be smooth!

Allan picks some more fruit off the display. He then spots
an apple he wants and reaches for it. The entire thing
collapses. Suddenly, he is up to his knees in fruit.

DAVE
Way to go, Mr. Fruit Smoothie.

Amanda and Terri stop to look at him and move on.

ALLAN
Okay, my moment of humiliation is
complete. I'm leaving.

DAVE
I haven't even made my rounds yet.

ALLAN
I have my bus pass. You paid for
gas anyway so enjoy the car.

DAVE
Thanks. Don't stay out too late.

Allan walks past the women and enters the men's room.

INT. MEN'S ROOM - SAME TIME

At a mirror, combing his hair is Richard Cramp. Allan walks
up to him.

ALLAN
Hey, Richard. Long time no see.

RICHARD
I don't have time for you so don't
even stop to talk. Two years you
have been out here and not even a
sale, which means your career is
over. Dave on the other hand is
landing parts. If he is smart he'll
ditch you and room with a working
writer.

ALLAN
We go back too far for that.

RICHARD
I have friends from childhood I
haven't spoken to. This industry is
too fragile and chaotic to bother
with people below you. They will
only bring you down. It's like
stopping to help the limping old
guy when a flood is coming. You
kept helping the limping old guys
and you sank and you drowned.

ALLAN
That means you were a limping old
guy because I helped you.

RICHARD
Look, if by some miracle you sell
something I'll support you, but
until then you are just one of the
urine-soaked masses reaching out to
grab my hand and drag me down. Now
if you'll excuse me, I'm trying to
land an interview with Amanda
Wickens and Terri Hiller. Yes, I
remember you had a crush on Terri
and no, I won't introduce you.

Richard walks past him and out the door. Allan is crushed.

Allan walks out the door and out of the building, past all
the crowds and security rope and into the quiet night.

EXT. BUS STOP - NIGHT

Allan is at a bus stop near an old man, who looks like he
might be homeless.

ALLAN
I was at that party over there. I'm
a writer. Not a sold writer, but
next year, I'll be in a limo with
some actress. Someday.

Allan pauses awkwardly, realizing he has been jabbering.

STREET GUY
I was you once. I came out here in
1980. I had two scripts and a
personal manager. I was going to be
the next big thing. Now I steal cat
food so I can eat. Get used to cat
food... and porn.

Allan is so terrified, he gets up and walks to the edge of
the street looking for the bus.

As he does, a limo pulls up to the light. He looks at the
limo longingly.

INT. LIMOUSINE - NIGHT

Amanda and Terri are sitting in the limo looking out.

AMANDA
I was hoping to meet the director
there. I heard they are still
casting for "Tiara and the Devil."

TERRI
I thought Jill Amato got it.

AMANDA
No, she got the "Gift Shop" movie.

TERRI
Shit! I auditioned for that one. I
even got a callback.

AMANDA
So we were both up for that part?

TERRI
Star and costar, amazing.

AMANDA
They didn't even call me. They
should have called me before you.

They pass by Allan at his bus stop.

TERRI
Hey, that's the dude that knocked
over the fruit display.

AMANDA
That's the punishment you get. They
make you take the bus home.

TERRI
The good looking guy he was with
him must have dumped him. He's
there with some homeless guy.

AMANDA
It's his sugar daddy. He goes to
him for career advice.

TERRI
You're being funny. How many
glasses of champagne did you have?

Amanda slams her hand against the seat next to them.

AMANDA
I want that movie role. I want
"Tiara and the Devil." I want it so
bad I can smell it. We served our
time. Ten years? Ten Goddamn years?

TERRI
Okay, girl who never swears.

AMANDA
We should be in movies by now. No
one takes us seriously. Because
we're a teen show, we suck? We
never get hired for any other TV
shows or movies! Why?

Amanda begins crying.

TERRI
You have to start doing some of the
comedy scenes in the show. You have
good timing, you just avoid it. I
end up doing those bits.

AMANDA
And it got you so far! I want to
play other parts. I want to be the
punk chasing a bad guy. I want to
be the lone cop betrayed by her
squad and left to die. I want to be
the teacher fending off the Taliban
at an all-girls school.

TERRI
Where are you getting these?

AMANDA
Those are all scripts I read that
were sent to other actresses. I was
never even considered! I ended up
getting the meter maid in "Blues
Clues!" Terri, we are both turning
23 and our careers may be over when
this show ends! This is unfair! I'm
sick of it, Goddammit!

TERRI
You swear anymore and I'm getting
out my Handy Dandy Notebook. Stop
stressing! Our agent says we're too
young to have peaked. If this show
ends this year, we get another.

AMANDA
Let's go out tonight. Let's stay
out all night. Let's drive along
the coast.

Terri looks at her suspiciously.

TERRI
You never say that stuff unless you
are single. You dumped French boy?

AMANDA
He dumped me. He said he needed
some "alone time." What the hell
does that mean? And why is Nikki
not answering her phone? My
assistant should answer her phone
when I call.

TERRI
Oh, no. I don't need you being
needy. Last time you were that
needy you went to my aunt's wedding
with me. I had to keep explaining
we were not a couple and I was not
coming out.

AMANDA
That was funny! Your Aunt kept
telling me she was okay with us
being a couple. I told her I had a
boyfriend and she winked at me and
said "Sure you do."

Amanda opens the sun roof and pops her head out. She looks
up at the neon signs and billboards.

AMANDA
(yelling)
As God is my witness, I will never
take lousy parts again!

TERRI
Okay, Scarlett O'Hara. Let's go to
the after-party and find two Rhett
Butlers who don't give a damn.

AMANDA
I'm sorry I swore. I do that when I
have some drinks. I swear.

TERRI
Yup, two drinks and you swear like
a gosh darn rootin' tootin' sailor.

INT. OTKAZ PUB - NIGHT

Allan is sitting at a table still in his premiere suit. He
is talking to two guys wearing t-shirts that suggest they
will never, ever, ever, ever, ever date a girl.

STANLEY wears glasses and a t-shirt that brags that LINUX
operating system kicks butt.

MELVIN wears glasses and a t-shirt that brags that OS2
operating system kicks butt.

Neither of them could kick the butt of a ten-year-old.

Allan has a beer and a salad while the duo have burgers and
glasses of milk.

A very old man waits on them. He is the owner, MAXIM.

STANLEY
Did Dave get with that girl in the
soap opera he was with?

MELVIN
Did he get with that girl in the
beer commercial he was with?

ALLAN
Yes, yes, yes. He got with the girl
he said hello to at the store and
he got with the girl who walked
past him at theater and he got with
the girl who waved from every
frickin' street in Los Angeles.
He's just that kind of guy, okay?

STANLEY
We've got to start going to places
where we can actually meet girls.

Suddenly, three young women enter the cafe. The trio quickly
clams up. The three women walk in and look over the menu for
a second before walking back out.

When they walk out, Stanley, Melvin and Allan exhale as if
they had not been breathing the entire time.

ALLAN
I want to find a woman who reads
newspapers and knows what is going
on in the world.

STANLEY AND MELVIN
In Hollywood? Hahahahahaha!

ALLAN
They are out there! Someone who
reads books and wants to go to
museums. I want to go to a museum
and talk with her about Picasso and
Monet and Rodin. When I go to a
grocery store late at night, I want
her with me and we can steal a kiss
in an aisle somewhere. I want to be
stuck in traffic with her. I want
to wake up and pour her coffee.

MELVIN
I pour my Mom coffee.

ALLAN
All I know is tonight I'll go home
and hear wild sex noises coming
from Dave's room. In the morning
some stunning looking model will be
sitting at the kitchen table eating
breakfast while I try to get ready
for work without looking at her.

Maxim walks over to their table to hand them the check.

MELVIN
Maxim, don't you think Allan would
look great with a supermodel on his
arm after he writes a big script?

MAXIM
Supermodels don't date writers;
they date actors and sports stars.
They don't date people who sit in
front of a typewriter going clicky
clackety away on paper.

ALLAN
Actually we use computers now.

MAXIM
My brother and I came over from
Russia in 1980. He wanted to write.
So he gets all these books on
screenwriting and he clicky clacked
away. Twenty-five years he wrote.
He got nothing. He got one option
on one script from a small company
for ten dollars. Or as the
Hollywood Reporter wrote, "Said to
be in the low two figures." He was
like you! He came here with hope
and promise and scripts under his
arm. One day he had a heart attack.
They found him under a stack of
coffee table books about costume
jewelry. My sister threw his
scripts into the trash bin behind
his apartment, so we don't even
know what he wrote. That is what
writing does to you.

Maxim tosses the check on their table as they look down at
the table depressed.

INT. SUPERMARKET - NIGHT

Allan is doing some late-night shopping. As he does, several
couples walk past him, holding hands. He reaches for some
fruit, but has to get past a couple kissing to get to it.

He continues shopping and walks past an elderly couple
holding hands and making each other laugh. He watches them
for a few seconds and smiles.

He walks over to checkout with a few items of food in a hand
basket. In front of him, a couple is kissing passionately.

As they kiss, the guy tosses a pack of condoms on the
register belt. As they continue to kiss, the girl grabs
another pack of condoms and tosses it on the belt.

INT. BUS - NIGHT

Allan is sitting on the bus holding his bag of groceries. In
front of him is a young couple making out.

Allan wistfully watches out the window and sees a number of
couples walking out of a nightclub holding hands.

INT. ALLAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Allan opens the door and walks in. He puts the bag of
groceries down and listens a moment. We can hear the sounds
of Dave enjoying the night with a woman in his bedroom.

Allan shakes his head. He puts the food away. He looks out
and can see another apartment building. In one apartment, a
couple is on their kitchen table in the throes of heavy
petting. In another he can see a couple on their balcony
looking out while holding each other.

Finally, he sees a guy sitting at a computer working away.

ALLAN
Now that's what I'm talking about.
Writing something important!

The guy keeps working on his computer as a woman enters the
room. He quickly turns the screen away from her and towards
Allan, who can now see he has porn on his screen.

INT. ALLAN'S ROOM - NIGHT

Allan is working on his laptop trying to write. He can hear
the sounds of various couples in the building in the throes
of passion. He tries to ignore it. Finally he looks over at
a book and pulls it out.

He thumbs through it until he gets to a picture he had cut
out from a magazine. It is a picture of Terri Hiller smiling
at him. He looks at it and smiles back.

ALLAN
(to himself)
Would you like to go to a museum?

There is a knock at his door. He opens it. It is Dave.

DAVE
Oh, good. You have to see this.

Dave pulls him by the arm into his room. There is a body
under the covers.

ALLAN
She's dead?

DAVE
Idiot! She's sleeping!

Dave pulls the blankets back and reveals a naked butt.

Dave slaps the butt hard and the girl pops up angry. Allan
is in shock. It is Terri Hiller in the flesh.

TERRI
Ow! What the fuck, man!

DAVE
Terri, this is my roommate Allan.
He has had a crush on you since he
was in 7th grade.

Terri looks up at Allan, horrified and pulls the blanket
back over her.  Allan is just as horrified.

TERRI
Are you out of your mind?

DAVE
He had eight posters and 230
pictures of you in high school.

ALLAN
223.

DAVE
I'm sorry. 223 pictures.

ALLAN
My mom threw them out.

TERRI
Get out of here!

Allan hurries out of the room.

TERRI
What was that for?

DAVE
He said he wanted to meet you
someday and take you to a museum.

TERRI
Next time you show my ass to
someone: ask. Weirdo.

INT. ALLAN'S ROOM - NIGHT

Allan stumbles onto his bed gasping in shock. He puts his
hands in his head.

ALLAN
Oh, my God. I can't believe it!

Allan stops and thinks a minute.

ALLAN
I just told Terri Hiller my mom
threw out her pictures. What was I
thinking?

He sadly takes the picture of Terri and drops it into his
waste basket. He buries his face in his pillow.

INT. ALLAN'S APARTMENT - MORNING - KITCHEN

Allan opens the door and looks out. Sure enough, Terri is
wearing Dave's shirt and sitting at the kitchen table
eating. She is also reading something.

Allan leans against his wall and takes a deep breath. He
quietly tries to sneak out of his apartment.

TERRI
Hold on, dude. Get over here, now.

Allan obediently walks over.

TERRI
Sit down.

Allan does. She says nothing and just looks at him as she
continues to eat her cereal. The suspense is killing him.

TERRI
Are you calm? First, I'm sorry for
yelling. I don't like having my ass
shown to strangers like I'm a show
and tell project. I didn't know
Dave set you up.

ALLAN
That's okay.

TERRI
No, it's not. I know you were
freaking out over me being here.
Which brings me to number two. My
sex life is my sex life, not yours.
I don't want you walking around
looking at me like I'm Satan. I'm a
nice person. I like people. Now,
what is this I'm holding?

She holds up a screenplay.

ALLAN
Hey, that's my script!

Allan goes to reach for it, but Terri pulls it away.

TERRI
The writing itself is very good,
but it's about five guys fishing.
Dave said this is a romantic
comedy? Where? Gutting fish is not
romantic. I know. I've done it. And
where are the women? This isn't one
of those where they hook a mermaid.

Terri's phone starts buzzing. She grabs it and silences it.

ALLAN
There aren't any women in it, yet.

TERRI
Why did you write this? You don't
seem like someone who goes fishing!

ALLAN
I wanted to set it in my hometown.

TERRI
The descriptions and dialogue are
wonderful. You just need a better
story. Did anything ever happen in
your home town? I assume all those
books in those bookcases are yours
which means you must read. You must
know your town's history.

ALLAN
There was a murder years ago like
in the 60s or 70s, but I don't know
a lot about it. Two girls were
killed and a cop solved it.

TERRI
Okay, there you go.

ALLAN
That's about a five-page script!

TERRI
Use your imagination! Two girls are
killed. No, they are missing! A cop
no one respects is the only one who
can solve it.

ALLAN
Okay, why would I write that? I
don't even know anything about the
actual crime. You would want to be
in something like that?

TERRI
Yeah, but you'd have to make the
cop a high school girl instead,
like me.

Terri's phone buzzes again. She silences it.

ALLAN
Yeah, right. How about she drinks,
has two boyfriends, is sleeping
with the English teacher and finds
out the principal is the killer.

TERRI
That's it! That's perfect!

ALLAN
That came off the top of my head!

TERRI
You need to write more off the top
of your head. Dave raved about your
writing. You said you were stuck;
write something new!

ALLAN
Why a crime drama?

TERRI
Because I was up for one last year
and I lost it. I wanted to be
investigating a crime. I researched
it. I interviewed detectives and
didn't even get a call back. It
went to Mandy Johnson.

ALLAN
The girl from CSI?

TERRI
Yes! I want a crime drama with a
female lead who kicks butt! Or
arrests butt. Whichever.

ALLAN
You have a ton of writers on your
show. Ask them.

TERRI
Each one of them would write a
script where I am the same kind of
person; Tamera's friend Belinda who
always stops for food and obsesses
over shoes. I'm tired of being the
wise-cracking brat, but that's all
they give me. They still think I'm
some 15 year old girl. They've been
thinking that for ten years!

Terri's phone buzzes again.

TERRI
Oh, my God, stop calling me Amanda!

Allan backs away from the phone as if it is alive.

ALLAN
That's Amanda Hiller calling you?
Your co-star?

TERRI
Yes, back away from the phone
because she could leap out of it
and grab you. Co-star, I like that.
Co-star. She sometimes forgets
that. She gets needy when she's
been dumped. Never mind that, write
a script about that crime.

ALLAN
I don't know if I can write
something like that. I'm low on
paper, my mouse is acting up and I
need to get printer cartridges. I
have to go to work.

TERRI
Just think it. I'll keep bugging
you. I know where your bus stop is.

INT. CLICKMART STORE - MORNING

Allan enters the store. The place is filled with computers
and large screen TVs airing technology shows. Everyone there
is wearing glasses and computer t-shirts.

STANLEY
Did Dave get a girl last night?

ALLAN
He popped my fantasy big time.

As they talk, the program on all the monitors in the store
is showing a piece on wildlife:  meerkats.

STANLEY
Customer! First one this early!

A car pulls up into the parking lot. The entire staff
gathers at the help desk to watch the car.

As they do this, the meerkats on all the screens gather
together in one group to scout.

MELVIN
Hopefully they need a lot of
electronics help.

STANLEY
I smell a computer sale. A laptop
and all the accessories.

The car door opens. It is a woman with a big floppy hat and
sunglasses. The staff reacts as if a werewolf has gotten out
of the car.

MELVIN
It's a girl!

The meerkats on the screen all move together as if a
dangerous threat is approaching them.

STANLEY
She can't be coming in here!

MELVIN
We haven't had a girl in weeks!

STANLEY
Holy motherboard! It is a girl!

ALLAN
Guys, it's not the end of the
world. I'll handle it.

MELVIN
(yelling)
Girl! Ruuuuuuuuuuunnnnnn!

Melvin pulls on a rope and a loud factory whistle blares.
The coworkers scatter at the same time the meerkats on the
screen scatter through a staff door. We can hear it locking.

Allan is left alone at the help desk as the woman enters.

ALLAN
Can I help you?

She ignores him and walks around the store as Allan keeps
his eye on the door his coworkers just ran through.

On all the big screens, the meerkats are keeping their
distance from a cobra which is threatening them.

The woman grabs a few stacks of paper, a wireless mouse and
some cartridges. She puts them on the counter.

Allan begins ringing them up, focusing on the products. As
he rings them up, he realizes they are the exact items he
needs to write.

The woman lifts her floppy hat, realizing he does not
recognize her. It is Terri.

TERRI
I borrowed your book on Picasso.

ALLAN
Excuse me?

Allan looks up and realizes it is Terri.

TERRI
You don't even recognize your
breakfast pal?

ALLAN
I'm surprised you would be
interested in my books.

TERRI
Yeah, because actors are airheads
who don't read. Did you think about
writing our story?

ALLAN
Our?

TERRI
I love the idea of her being
someone who swears and has two or
three boyfriends if they're cute,
plus the English teacher, providing
he's George Clooney, and then
catches the principal. Throw in
bullies! Throw in cheerleaders!

ALLAN
I have to find motivation for her.
Why does she have two boyfriends
plus the English teacher?

TERRI
I don't know. Maybe her mom was
wild and she's like her mom.

ALLAN
Okay, so her parents are wild.

TERRI
Just her mom. Her dad is a nerdy
bookish guy who reads a lot.

ALLAN
Then throw in a nerdy guy who helps
her. He's like a computer guy who
finds out stuff for her.

TERRI
Yeah.... okay, but they don't get
involved romantically because she's
already juggling two boyfriends and
the English teacher. She needs some
breathing room. Later.

Equipment is heard crashing in the back as Terri grabs her
purchases and leaves.

Allan's coworkers slowly unlock the door and peer out.

ALLAN
Did you guys recognize her?

MELVIN
Who cares? It was a girl!

INT. AMANDA'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY

Amanda is sitting at her dresser putting on makeup and
looking at a magazine. Terri sits in a chair nearby reading
a different magazine. A TV is on in the corner.

AMANDA
What are you reading?

TERRI
People.

AMANDA
You are usually reading scripts.
I'm reading US.

TERRI
People and US are merging. It'll
just be called Pus.

AMANDA
Laura Watson landed the lead in
"Killer Eyes."

TERRI
I hate it when people we know get
ahead of us.

AMANDA
Laura ended up playing a contract
killer when she was 18! That should
have been me!

Amanda turns the page of the magazine and sits up.

AMANDA
Oh, no!

She shows the page to Terri, who leans in to look at it.

TERRI
That's your French boyfriend?

AMANDA
With Laura Watson! That's not the
worst of it. Look who is behind
Laura carrying her golf bag.

TERRI
Nikki!

AMANDA
She steals parts from me. She
steals my boyfriend and my
assistant?

Amanda picks up the phone, dials, listens a minute and then
yells into it.

AMANDA
Gee, Nikki, nice of you to let me
know you were leaving me for Laura
Watson. You are fired! You bi...
(biting her tongue)
You butthead!

TERRI
Oh, I thought I was going to get to
hear you swear! Remember when they
used to fine you a dollar for ever
swear word we said?

AMANDA
My swear jar was empty. Yours was
overflowing. You could have bought
a new car with it.

TERRI
I think they sent the money to
needy children.

AMANDA
Great. Your swearing fed half of
countries in the Sahara Desert.
Mine would have starved a squirrel.

Suddenly Richard Cramp shows up on the TV.

RICHARD
Last week I covered the struggles
of "Tamera on Camera." What will
become of its stars? Will Amanda
Wickens and Terri Hiller end up as
another sad story on reality shows?

TERRI
I'm going to go on his show.

AMANDA
Why? He'll humiliate you!

RICHARD
Today I am interviewing former
sports star, now movie star Matt
Thompson.

TERRI
Oh, hell no!

RICHARD
Ten years a Dodger and then you
effortlessly move into movies.

Terri throws her magazine at the TV and then stands up.

RICHARD
Three World Series and three huge
box office hits in a row. What an
amazing accomplishment.

TERRI
Bastard!

Terri shuts the TV off.

AMANDA
What the hell?

TERRI
Matt Thompson. When I turned
eighteen, he took me to dinner, or
rather snuck me out to dinner. He
took me to his place and showed me
all his stupid paintings of him as
Greek gods and spent the night with
me and then...

AMANDA
He never called you afterward. He
made his way through half of the
Disney, Nick and Dimestore girls.

TERRI
He was such a shit. So arrogant. He
treated me like he deserved me.

AMANDA
I'd be careful about meeting guys
right now.

Amanda pulls out her iPhone and hands it to Terri.

TERRI
"What actress on a long time TV
show has been hooking up with
actors and sports stars over the
years? Will we see her in the
Backpage ads or on Craigslist once
her show is over?" What the fuck!

AMANDA
I think it was Cramp.

TERRI
I'm going on his show to defend us.

AMANDA
He'll ask you about the hookups!
Which reminds me. I called you five
times this morning.

TERRI
I was busy.

AMANDA
With that guy you met at the party?
He was hot.

TERRI
He's fun, but his roommate is a
writer. He's going to write a
script for me. For free.

AMANDA
(holding up her iPhone)
What's his name?

TERRI
Allan Porter.

AMANDA
(reading her iPhone)
An uncredited writer? Are you nuts?

TERRI
He's a good writer. He was at the
premiere, remember? He knocked over
the fruit display.

AMANDA
Wait a minute! Then he was the one
we saw at the bus stop.

TERRI
He grew up on our show. He had 223
pictures and eight posters of me.

AMANDA
Wow, a real nutcase.

TERRI
It's fine. His mom threw them out.

AMANDA
That makes me feel better. Every
serial killer starts with his mom
throwing his stuff out. Three days
later her body was found hanging
like a bird from the town's clock
tower.

TERRI
He seems okay with me dating his
roommate.

AMANDA
Until you stop by one day and his
roommate's a lamp shade. If you go
missing, I'll print up pictures of
you and stick them on milk cartons.
(looks around room)
I think I even have Avery Labels
for that.

INT. ALLAN'S APARTMENT - EVENING

Allan enters his apartment. Dave is sitting at the table
having cereal.

Allan looks in his room. On his bed are stacks of paper, a
wireless mouse and printer cartridges. Next to that is the
picture of Terri he had thrown out.

ALLAN
I can't believe you are dating a TV
star. My TV star!

DAVE
You got to see her ass. That was
probably your first ass.

ALLAN
No, one of your hookups walked into
my room naked one night.

DAVE
Oh that's right. I don't know who
screamed louder, you or her.

ALLAN
You spent the night with the woman
of my dreams!

DAVE
I was shocked myself. I've dated
actresses with guest spots, but
this one was the big leagues. What
are you whining about? She ended up
talking to you, too! You were
getting up close and personal with
her this morning.

ALLAN
No! She wants me to write a script
for her. That's it. No hanky panky.

DAVE
I'm not... "Hanky panky"? "Hanky
panky?" What are you, ninety years
old? I just want to warn you about
dating actresses.

ALLAN
You date them all the time!

DAVE
I'm different. For you to date one
would be like some guy stepping out
of the crowd to play in a football
game. The last time you did that
you kicked a ball into a guy's ass
and the other team scored!

ALLAN
What about when I sell a script?

DAVE
Great, she would be like, "there's
my publicist, there's my hair
stylist, that's my boyfriend. No
wait, that's my bodyguard. That one
on the end might be my boyfriend."

ALLAN
So she would eventually remember
who I was.

DAVE
Do you know how she'll break up
with you? She'll have her publicist
call you, or she will just never
return your call. You will never
even get closure.

ALLAN
I'll never see her again?

DAVE
Oh, you'll see her again and again
and again. On a billboard,on a bus
as it goes by, on a movie trailer
when you turn on the TV. It will
drive you crazy!

ALLAN
I wish I had the experiences you
had back in high school.

DAVE
Do you know Debbie Johnson almost
took your virginity?

ALLAN
The cheerleader?

DAVE
Yeah, I talked her into it! The
same with Patty Fisher. But they
both said you were too nervous and
they were afraid you would take it
way too seriously.

ALLAN
Fear of failure. Fear of rejection.

DAVE
That's like a fisherman saying "Oh,
I don't want to fish, what if the
fish I want rejects my worm?"

ALLAN
That's easy for you to say. You
wade into a river and walk out with
a hundred fish stuck to you. You
need to teach me.

DAVE
Teaching you about women is like
teaching you how to drive a car. I
can talk about it for weeks on end
and show you pictures of a car and
play you the sound a car makes, but
in the end you have to get behind
the wheel and drive it yourself.

ALLAN
Help me drive! I'm stuck at work
with a half dozen guys who know
nothing about women. You should
come in and give us a talk.

There is a knock at the door. Dave opens it. It is Terri
holding a shopping bag.

TERRI
Hey there!

Terri and Dave begin kissing as Allan walks over to the
shopping bag.

TERRI
Don't touch that!

Too late. Allan reaches in and pulls out a cowboy hat and
very long white buttoned shirt.

ALLAN
Halloween?

TERRI
No, hold on.

Terri grabs the bag and runs into the bathroom. She comes
back out wearing the cowboy hat and the long white shirt.
She trots around the room and smacks Allan on the butt.

DAVE
Are you wearing anything under
that?

Terri shakes her head no. Allan gasps and has to sit down.
Terri grabs Dave and pushes him into a chair and starts to
do a lapdance.

ALLAN
Oh, I should be getting to my room.

Terri starts to dance towards Allan.

She climbs on to Allan's lap and runs her fingers through
his hair and along his cheeks.

ALLAN
My chest hurts.

TERRI
I have paddles in my car if your
heart quits beating.

Terri stops and looks directly into Allan's face.

TERRI
You are shaking like a leaf!

DAVE
The Jesuit in his head is trashing
his little movie theater.

ALLAN
I-I-I-

DAVE
"I forgot English is my native
language." His vital organs are
shutting down.

Allan is trying to breath.

TERRI
Wow, Allan. It's okay.

DAVE
Yeah, Allan, it's just the girl in
all those posters on your wall
doing a lapdance for you.

TERRI
Allan, I'm just a girl sitting on
your lap. I'm shorter than you. I'm
smaller than you. I'm softer. I'm
just a little cowgirl.

DAVE
Reverse cowgirl.

TERRI
That would be if I was facing you.

Terri leans into Allan's face until she is an inch away.

TERRI
I'm sitting here until he gets used
to me. You know this is the best
cure for fear of women.

DAVE
You might as well give him the last
rites. I think he just regressed to
where he is about five years old.

Terri laughs and then pretends to grab his nose like you
would do to a five year old.

TERRI
Got your nose! Got your nose!

DAVE
You better give him his nose back.
He's not breathing.

Terri kisses his nose.

TERRI
Okay, your nose is back!

She gets off of him and dances over to Dave. She grabs Dave
by the hand and leads him into his room while waving to
Allan and blowing him a kiss like Marilyn Monroe.

As she leads Dave into his room and shuts the door, Allan
slides onto the floor and curls into the fetal position.

INT. ALLAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Allan is asleep, when his door opens and Terri dances in
wearing her cowboy hat and shirt.

Allan wakes up and his jaw drops. She shushes him, putting
her finger to her mouth.

Terri dances around Allan's bed, pulling the blankets off of
him. She climbs onto the bed and sits on top of Allan. She
throws her cowboy hat off and begins to unbutton her blouse.

Suddenly, his closet door opens. It is a JESUIT PRIEST!

PRIEST
This is wrong! This is all wrong!

TERRI
Who the fuck is that?

ALLAN
That is Father Rippanen, my seventh
grade CCD teacher. He always shows
up at this time.

PRIEST
Get her out of here at once! Allan,
I am very disappointed in you.

TERRI
Allan, tell him to leave.

PRIEST
I am going to tell your mother!

TERRI
Allan, your mother would want you
to have sex by now.

PRIEST
Never! Never!

Father Rippanen grabs a chair and sits right next to them.

Terri ignores the priest and dances on top of Allan.

Father Rippanen opens the Bible and begins to read.

PRIEST
"O loved one, with all your
delights! Your stature is like a
palm tree, and your breasts are
like its clusters" Wait a minute!
This is from Song of Solomon! Damn!

TERRI
Got your nose!

Father Rippanen thumbs to another section of the Bible.

PRIEST
"And should you so even look at a
woman and think naughty thoughts,
your private parts will shrivel to
nothingness. You shall remain
without a woman forever."

ALLAN
Wait a minute! Where is that in the
Bible?

PRIEST
It isn't. I made it up.

Terri leans directly into Allan's face.

TERRI
Allan, you made it up. Do
something.

ALLAN
Do you want to go for coffee? I
think a museum might be open.

TERRI
Allan, it's the middle of the
night. Let's just do this!

She leans forward to kiss. She starts unbuttoning him.

PRIEST
That's it. Allan, I am going to the
projection room and shut this film
off for good!

Father Rippanen pulls out some large scissors, snips the air
with them and storms into the closet.

Allan puckers and leans forward to kiss Terri.

Suddenly she stops and pounds her fists on his chest a few
times like she has to think about this. We hear the snip of
scissors and the sound of a projector dying.

POOF - he is awake and alone. He slumps back into the bed
moaning in misery.

INT. ALLAN'S APARTMENT - MORNING - KITCHEN

Allan is in the shower. Terri enters and sits on the toilet.

ALLAN
Dave, can't you wait until I am out
of the shower?

The water turns off. Terri grabs a towel off a rack beside
her and tosses it over the curtain.

TERRI
Did you have a bad dream last
night? You were moaning.

ALLAN
Oh, my God. Are you in my bathroom
while I'm showering?

TERRI
Did you really mean it when you
said you wanted to take me to a
museum? There's a Picasso and
Friends exhibit at the county
museum showing until next month.

ALLAN
Let me get dressed first.

Terri stands at the sink and looks into the mirror, checking
her face. She pulls out some lipstick.

TERRI
What kind of movies do you see
being similar to our movie? I'm
pitching it to my agent.

ALLAN
You mean like "Disturbia" meets
"Ferris Bueller's Day Off" with a
bit of "Heathers" thrown in?

TERRI
That's not bad. I was thinking
maybe pitching it as kind of CSI
small town type project.

ALLAN
What kind of movies do you like?

TERRI
I'm a sucker for old movies. I love
the ones where the couple is saying
good bye or meeting on a train. The
guy is heading off to World War II
and the girl is sad and then they
meet on the train and hug. Those
really get to me. I want to ride on
a real train and do that.

There is a knock on the door.

DAVE
Terri, are you okay in there?

TERRI
Yeah. He's trapped in the shower
and I'm finishing up.

Terri writes on the mirror with her lipstick.

DAVE
If you lather him up, don't forget
to rinse him. Soap everything!

She laughs and runs out. Allan looks at the mirror. In
lipstick it says "Love you! Write the script! XXXOOOXXX"

DAVE
I'll try to stop by the pub tonight
and we'll have that birds and bees
and the nerds they sting talk.

TERRI
I'm facing Richard Cramp today.

ALLAN
Ugh. He borrowed my car all the
time when he was broke and now he
avoids me. He's so arrogant.

TERRI
I'll talk to him.

ALLAN
He'll be shocked you know who I am
and then he'll knock me somehow.

INT. RICHARD CRAMP SHOW - AFTERNOON

As Terri enters, Richard Cramp is sitting in makeup getting
worked on by three assistants.

RICHARD
The network is looking at me for a
prime time show so I want this to
go really well. We'll exchange
relationship stories.

TERRI
The hell we will.

RICHARD
Then tell some hardship stories
about working on a TV show.

TERRI
There are no hardship stories on a
TV show. Very few people ever get
to see what a set is like, so every
story about how hard it is sounds
like, "So there we were stuck at
this four star restaurant in Paris
and the waiter kept trying to serve
us red wine with our fish!"

RICHARD
Social awareness! I like that.
Okay, I'll have you on first and
then I'll give my essay.

TERRI
Essay?

RICHARD
Tonight I'm starting my first
Hollywood essay on the state of the
entertainment industry. This will
be the piece that gives me a big
voice in the industry.

INT. RICHARD CRAMP GREEN ROOM - LATER

Terri is waiting when a young boy walks in with a box.

BOY
The Balloon Box works. We've been
punking people with it on our show
all week long. I want a part in
your show.

TERRI
You'll be my neighbor's cousin who
I'm babysitting for the day.

The young boy pulls a small vault-like box out of the bag
which is connected to a large bag. It looks a bit like a
small gas station pump.

BOY
You turn the knob and for ten
minutes it will leak out helium
without a sound. It's good from
five feet away. But not too much or
it will knock his ass out. If it
works, this will never air, but it
will be funny as shit on YouTube.

INT. RICHARD CRAMP SHOW - SHOWTIME

Richard is interviewing Terri on her show. Terri has placed
the balloon box behind him on a counter.

RICHARD
In the final analysis, you need
more challenging roles in
children's shows before you can
move to adult roles. I'll be back
in a moment for tonight's Hollywood
Opinion Segment. Stay tuned.

Richard waits a second before speaking.

RICHARD
And, we are off. Not bad, Terri.
Some smart ass answers, though.

TERRI
You didn't let me talk about the
script Allan Porter is writing.

RICHARD
You don't want to go down that
road. He is washed up. His career
is over, or should I say it has no
chance to even begin. Avoid him.

TERRI
You're giving me career advice?

RICHARD
Just giving you a head's up. The
studios keep tabs on writers and on
his it says he writes good
characters, but messes up endings
and story arc. Rule number one in
Hollywood. Dump those going
nowhere. When your show ends you
will need every break you can get
so hang around those at your level
and above, not below. Allen was
always hanging around those below
him and they dragged him down.
Don't let him do that to you. Don't
hang with losers or you'll become
one yourself.
(speaking into his head
piece)
Donna are you there? Donna?

Terri looks at him in shock as Richard's assistants race in
and fawn over him. Terri turns the crank on the balloon box
and leaves.

RICHARD
Donna, after my opinion piece, I
want the boy from Balloon World on
my left with his balloons. Get the
lighting the way I wanted it last
night, not how you set it up.
Teleprompters ready? Are we ready?
In three, two, one.

The lighting shifts showing that they are now taping.

RICHARD
Tonight we introduce a new segment
where I give my opinions on the
latest issues Hollywood is dealing
with. Tonight's topic is the
culture of spoiling today's actors.

Richard pauses while the balloon box silently sends helium
towards him.

RICHARD
Hollywood has always been known as
a place where those in front of the
camera are far more pampered than
those behind it.

As Richard speaks, we are aware of his voice beginning to
rise from the effects of the helium.

RICHARD
Under the old studio system, heads
like Louis B Mayer, Samuel Goldwyn
and the Warner Brothers kept actors
in check with warnings that they
could quickly be out on the street
if they did not curb their behavior
both on and off the set.

Richard is suddenly aware that his voice now sounds like a
Munchkin from the "The Wizard Of Oz." He stops and looks
over at the balloon box near him.

RICHARD
(very high voice)
Oh, who the fuck put this thing
here? And why is it on? Who did
this? Donna? I'm not raising my
voice! I'm not raising my voice so
don't tell me to stop raising my
voice! I am trying to do my first
opinion piece on the cultural
issues and I sound like a fucking
mouse!... Yes, I am angry! I am
going over your head. Yes, I will
keep this same tone of voice...
well, maybe an octave or two lower,
but... Well, who is higher than
them that I can go to.... Oh, fuck
you with the Lollipop Guild!

Richard suddenly looks around.

RICHARD
And why is everything so fuzzy?

Richard's head drops on to the table. He is out cold.

INT. OTKAZ PUB - AFTERNOON

Allan is sitting at a table with Melvin and Stanley. He is
nursing a beer while looking out the window.

ALLAN
I have to confess something. I
think I'm falling for Terri Hiller.

MELVIN
Allan, that's like confessing you
wear glasses.

ALLAN
She's smart, funny, sexy.

STANLEY
And she's going with Dave.

MELVIN
And he's good looking.

STANLEY
Dude, he's not just good looking.
He's so handsome, everyone around
him becomes furniture. I bet girls
push past you to get to him.

MELVIN
I bet their big pickup line to you
is "Can I meet your friend?"

ALLAN
I have to keep this professional. I
needed to come here to clear my
head and get some space. But now
when I am here, I miss her. Damn.

STANLEY
Oh, wow! You know what this is?

MELVIN
(starts singing)
"Jessie is a friend. Yeah, I know
he's been a good friend of mine."

STANLEY
(singing))
"But lately something's changed. It
ain't hard to define. Jessie's got
himself a girl and I want to make
her mine"

Melvin and Stanley get up and start trying to dance while
singing. Their arms fly all over the place. They are
definitely not "Dancing With the Stars" material.

Allan walks to the bathroom as they continue singing. As he
walks into the bathroom we hear the sound of cups and plates
crashing. Maxim starts yelling at them.

INT. OTKAZ BATHROOM - AFTERNOON

Allan is standing at the urinal. His head is against the
wall above for support as he pees.

ALLAN
(to himself)
Terri, Terri.

When he finally leans his head back as he is finishing, we
see Terri at the next urinal, standing as if she is peeing.

TERRI
Oh, man.

Allan flinches in shock and looks over at her.

TERRI
Don't you love that feeling after
five or six beers when you finally
get to pee. Whew!

ALLAN
What are you doing here?

TERRI
What are you doing here? You're
supposed to be at home writing!

ALLAN
I needed inspiration. I was going
to call as soon as I had finished.

TERRI
You left your phone at your place.
Zip your pants up. You're taking me
to the museum to see Picasso and
Friends. It's open until eight.

INT. TERRI'S CAR - DAY

They are stuck in traffic. Terri is driving. Allan sits in
the passenger seat looking around.

TERRI
Let's talk script. We need to make
it funny, but in a dark way. Think
of anything stupid that happened to
you in school.

ALLAN
That would take 700 pages.

TERRI
I was home schooled on the set.

ALLAN
Did you know you wanted to be an
actress when you were little?

TERRI
When I was seven, my mom was
helping out at a community
playhouse and I went with her to
watch rehearsals. They were doing
"Death Of a Salesman" and that was
it. I started in acting classes.
Amanda was in the same class.

ALLAN
Your mom was an actress?

TERRI
She was a psychologist. My Dad was
more of a wallflower in school,
which was ironic because he became
a teacher. I got into acting and
got real competitive. I still get
jealous of people from my old
acting class who land big parts.

ALLAN
Why? Anyone you know who makes it
in this industry replaces someone
you don't know.

Terri thinks a few seconds over that.

TERRI
You wouldn't be jealous if Dave
landed a big role?

ALLAN
Not at all. He's a friend. I always
cheer on friends. This is such a
tough industry you have to be
supportive of friends. What is the
point of getting to the mountain
top if you get there all alone and
there is no one to share it with?

Terri just looks at him and says nothing.

INT. MUSEUM - DAY

Terri and Allan walk past art displays.

ALLAN
This one made Picasso famous when
he was 15. It's called "First
Communion."

They stand in front of a painting.

ALLAN
A normal painting would have had
the girl receiving communion, but
he wanted anticipation so he has
her waiting. He moved to a city so
he would see different cultures.

TERRI
He was in Paris.

ALLAN
He got to hang with other artists,
which is the second step.

TERRI
And then bang, cubism.

ALLAN
Picasso went to the first silent
movies by Melies and saw all the
crazy things he was doing, then
eventually went to a museum on
ancient African masks. During the
German occupation he was
housebound. He was there when
Hitler walked through Paris.

TERRI
He still had time to do "Guernica"
and piss off the Germans.

ALLAN
Yeah, they got mad at him and
pointed at that painting and said
"You did this!" and he said "No,
you did this." Strangely, Hitler
helped by doing this display of
what they called Degenerative Art
and gave it a big campaign having
no idea it was exciting artists all
over Europe and America. We watched
this documentary on it in school.

TERRI
You watched it. Everyone else fell
asleep. I have walked museums here
with actors and none of them talked
like you do. They were all scoping
out women. It's better to go to a
museum with just a good friend.

Allan struggles to say something and finally gets it out.

ALLAN
I know you are dating Dave, but the
more I've gotten to know you the
more impressed I am. I'm think I'm
getting a crush on you.

Terri walks up behind Allan and hugs him.

TERRI
223 pictures? I think you had a
crush on me before. My Mom said she
used people's crushes on her to get
them to solve problems in their
life. My Dad said when he had a
student who had a crush on him, he
used it to motivate them to do
better work. I just want you to
stop being nervous around women.
You act as if women and sex are
behind this big electric fence.

ALLAN
I'm afraid I'll get a shock.

TERRI
So, get a shock and get used to it.
I'll get you to meet women.

ALLAN
We'd need to improve my looks.

TERRI
If I took over your body for one
month I'd get you hooked up a dozen
times, easy. You have a decent
body. You don't have a gut, which
is amazing for someone who sits in
front of a computer all day. You
have your hair.

ALLAN
I have glasses.

TERRI
Half of the good looking actors in
town wear glasses. Ever see Brad
Pitt in glasses? How far along are
you on the script?

ALLAN
I'll show it to you when I am done.
I was working on something else. I
have a little surprise for you.

TERRI
A surprise for me? A surprise would
be an awesome script I can pitch.

ALLAN
I'll have it. This one relates to
romance as well. I think you'll
like it. You inspire me.

TERRI
I'll leave some clothes for you.
Like when a dog is missing its
owner. I'll leave my shirt in your
room. I'll put it under your
blankets so you can act like I'm
there. Just don't do anything
perverted with it. And if you do,
wash it really well.

ALLAN
Tonight Dave is going to teach my
coworkers how to talk to women.

Terri's cell phone rings. She looks at it.

TERRI
Amanda?

AMANDA (V.O.)
Are you with that guy?

TERRI
I'm with Allan.

AMANDA (V.O.)
What? I thought you'd be with the
cute guy. Are you still alive?

TERRI
I'm alive. What's up?

AMANDA (V.O.)
Let's go somewhere.

TERRI
I'm going with Allan to this
Russian pub called Otkaz.

AMANDA (V.O.)
Wait, let me look up Otkaz. Oh, my
God. Otkaz in Russian means failure
or breakdown. I'd better see what
this guy looks like so I can
identify him to the FBI when you go
missing. I'll get some wax so he
can give me some teeth impressions
for evidence.

TERRI
(laughing)
Shut up! Dave is going to teach
Allan's coworkers about women.

AMANDA (V.O.)
He's going to give a talk about
women without any women?

INT. OTKAZ - NIGHT

Stanley and Melvin are nervously sitting at a table with
Allan, who is looking at his watch. Maxim is handing Allan a
beer. Dave suddenly enters.

DAVE
Gentlemen! Class is in session!

STANLEY
Are you giving us pick-up lines?

DAVE
Let's just work on talking to women
without freaking out. To help you
guys out, I will lead a mental
visualization. I need you to close
your eyes. Keep them closed.

Stanley and Melvin close their eyes.

DAVE
It is a beautiful sunny Southern
California day. You are walking
along the beach enjoying the sun.

MELVIN
We hate the beach.

STANLEY
We hate sun.

DAVE
It is a lovely Southern California
evening. The smell of jasmine trees
invades the night. You are at an IT
convention and are going to a pub
to discuss it with your ner-- uh,
friends. You are sitting at a table
when two women walk in.

Melvin starts breathing hard.

DAVE
Melvin, keep it together. Suddenly
the two women walk directly towards
your table. They sit down.

MELVIN
Oh, boy!

DAVE
Now, Stanley, keep your eyes shut
and you speak first. Ask her if she
would like a drink.

STANLEY
Would... you... like...a...a...

DAVE
Drink.

STANLEY
Drink.

DAVE
Good. Now Melvin, your turn. One of
the girls looks directly at you.
She is interested in you..

Melvin's fingers start to intermingle nervously, faster and
faster.

DAVE
Okay, stop that thing with your
fingers. You look like one of those
villains in a Bond movie when he
has Bond in some torture device.
Quiet hands. Quiet hands. Ask her
if she would like a drink.

MELVIN
Would you like a drink?

DAVE
Very good, Melvin. You guys are
both doing okay. Now, step two.
Open your eyes.

Stanley and Melvin open their eyes to find Terri and Amanda
sitting across from them.

Stanley and Melvin act as if their smiles have been ripped
off their faces.

DAVE
Stanley, ask if she wants a drink.

STANLEY
Holy shit!

DAVE
No, that's a body function, not a
drink. You want to ask Terri if she
would like a drink.

STANLEY
Terri, would you like - holy shit!

TERRI
I would love a drink, Stanley.

STANLEY
She knows my name.

DAVE
Okay, Melvin. Ask Amanda if she
wants a drink.

Melvin tries to open his mouth. Nothing is coming out.

DAVE
Would you like a drink?

Still nothing.

ALLAN
Amanda, would you like a drink?

MELVIN
Uh...uh....

TERRI
Would you like a drink?

DAVE
Would you like a drink?

Even Maxim feels he has to help.

MAXIM
Would you like a drink?

AMANDA
Oh, my God, this is like training a
parrot! Would you like a drink?
Would you like a drink? Just say
it! Open your mouth!

Amanda stands up and leans forward into Melvin's face.

Melvin tries to force the words out and instead throws up on
the table and on Amanda's sweater. Amanda gasps in shock.

AMANDA
Motherfucker!

INT. OTKAZ BATHROOM - NIGHT

Dave and Terri are helping Amanda clean her sweater.

AMANDA
Okay, I swear when I have too much
to drink and when someone vomits on
my sweater.

DAVE
Allan is trying to keep Melvin from
drinking the Drano in the kitchen.

TERRI
Tell Allan to take him into the
bathroom. I'll be right there. This
calls for drastic measures.

INT. OTKAZ MEN'S BATHROOM - NIGHT

Allan is trying to calm Melvin down.

MELVIN
No one does that. No one throws up
on a girl trying to talk to them!

ALLAN
You are right. I have never in my
life seen that.

Melvin pulls a toothbrush out of his pocket and starts
brushing his teeth.

MELVIN
Tonight was important. I was all
prepared for anything. I am never
coming out of my apartment ever.

Melvin pulls out a small bottle of mouthwash and swigs it.

Terri enters the bathroom as he is swigging the mouthwash.
Melvin sees her and spits it all over the place.

Terri motions for Allan to leave.

TERRI
Are you okay?

MELVIN
I am never talking to a girl again.

TERRI
Too late. You are talking to one.
You have something in your eye.

Terri moves closer. Melvin tries to back away, but then
closes one eye believing her.

TERRI
It looks like a big speck of dust.
Look up. Now look down. I think I
can get it.

She moves closer and instead pushes him against the wall and
kisses him passionately. He opens his eyes in shock.

TERRI
Look at that! You're still alive!

Terri grabs him and kisses him passionately again. Melvin's
feet move all over and finally his leg snaps back like a
1940s girl being kissed. She finally lets him go. Melvin
lets out a huge gasp.

MELVIN
That was total tongue!

Terri grabs his face and looks closely into it.

TERRI
Look at me. Look right at me. I
don't want you to end up hating
women because you thought they
never looked at you. I'm looking at
you. I am looking right at you! If
you want to know what women like,
just ask a woman. The next time a
woman walks by just say hello.
That's all. Say hello! Just
practice one word: hello.

MELVIN
Hello. Like a parrot.

TERRI
But without throwing up crackers.

Terri's phone beeps. She looks down and reads it, surprised.

TERRI
Holy shit! It's my agent.

INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY

Terri is in her agent's office.

Her Agent is the legendary KATHY CALHOUN, who represents
stars and has the photos on her wall to prove it.

KATHY
Terri, sit down. I checked Allan
Porter out. His mentor was a writer
for "West Wing" and "Hill Street
Blues." He liked Allan's writing
and made calls for him. He won two
awards. They say Allan writes
scripts with great beginnings and
characters.

TERRI
So I've heard.

KATHY
I'll check out his script when he's
done with it. That's not why I
called. I have something else I
want to talk about: "Matador Ring."

TERRI
A stupid movie starring an asshole.

KATHY
I'm glad you have no hard feelings
about him. There's some interest
from Warners on a part in it.

TERRI
If Thompson has any say, I'd play a
hooker who gets hit by a car during
the chase scene and flies off some
big bridge. What's the point in a
role like that?

KATHY
Well, if you have a great monologue
while you are falling off the
bridge...

INT. ALLAN'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON

Dave and Terri enter the apartment. Allan is at his printer
watching pages printing out.

TERRI
Whoa! What is that?

The last page prints off. Allan grabs it, runs into his room
and shuts the door.

Terri runs to the door and finds it locked.

DAVE
You need a small nail. It's in the
drawer near the sink. Oh, man, I
left the groceries in the car.

Dave walks out as Terri grabs the nail and opens the door.

Allan looks up in shock and puts the script behind him. She
leaps upon him, knocking him onto his bed. She quickly sits
on top of him, pinning him so he can't move.

He tries to keep them out of her reach, but she is able to
snatch them away. She sits on him while reading the pages.

ALLAN
They're not ready. I have to
correct a few things.

TERRI
You can do that later. I want to
see. Ooh, this is good. I like
this. The school has a dungeon?

ALLAN
The principal told the construction
people it was a shelter.  He traps
her there.

Terri continues to read. She gets so into the writing she
begins hopping up and down on him as if riding him. Suddenly
she stops and looks at him again in shock.

ALLAN
In my defense, you are sitting on
top of me and you are moving.

Terri thinks the situation over for a moment. She tosses the
pages up in the air and kisses him. Allan is in shock as the
pages fall all around them. Terri keeps kissing him.

ALLAN
Terri, I'm in lo-

Terri puts her finger to his mouth, cutting him off. She
leans forward and kisses him again. She keeps kissing him
until they hear the front door open.

Dave walks in. Teri is still sitting on top of Allan. Dave
looks at all the script pages laying all over the place.

DAVE
Does that mean the script was good
or bad?

TERRI
I loved it! I loved it! He is
amazing!

ALLAN
At writing! She means at writing!

DAVE
I know. No "hanky panky."

TERRI
He's as good as you said he is.

ALLAN
I wanted to surprise you.

TERRI
You did. You really did.

ALLAN
I had another surprise for you.

TERRI
Another script?

ALLAN
No, but it relates to movies. I
want to show you something. You
will really like it.

Terri slowly and reluctantly gets off of him.

INT. ALLAN'S CAR - LATER

They pull into a train station. A sign says "20 minute train
rides on an old fashioned train!"

Such a train is sitting at the station, puffing away as
passengers begin loading.

ALLAN
Dave and I will wait here.

TERRI
I'm going alone?

ALLAN
Get up on the train and I'll be
right back. Wait by the window over
there. Dave, you come with me.

Allan pops open the trunk of the car and pulls out a large
duffel bag. Terri reluctantly gets on the train while Allan
grabs Dave and takes him to the restroom.

INT. TRAIN RESTROOM - DAY

Allan opens the duffel bag and digs through it.

ALLAN
Terri loves World War Two movies
where the girl is saying goodbye to
the soldier.

Allan pulls out a soldier uniform and fake rifle.

DAVE
You are going to get in trouble!

ALLAN
Don't worry. I tipped the
conductor.

DAVE
Shouldn't you be getting on the
train and she be saying goodbye?

ALLAN
Unfortunately, the logistics
weren't right so I had to put her
on the train to pull this off.

Allan is putting on the uniform as quickly as he can.

DAVE
Where is my soldier uniform?

ALLAN
You play a different role.

EXT. TRAIN STATION - MINUTES LATER

Terri is sitting in the train as the conductor approaches.

CONDUCTOR
All aboard!

ALLAN
(to the conductor)
No, remember?

CONDUCTOR
Oh, that's right! Now leaving from
the Western Front. Next stop
London, Paris and Berlin. Train
leaving on track five for Anaheim,
Azusa and Cucamonga.

Suddenly, Allan arrives at the window, completely startling
Terri. He is in his soldier uniform.

ALLAN
You like romantic train scenes from
World War Two, so I'm giving you
one. Two actually! Well, I'm off to
Normandy and Wake Island and Battle
of the Bulge. You take care.

The train starts moving. Allan starts running alongside.

TERRI
I'll see you in Paris?

ALLAN
No, I'll be back from battle soon.
Oh, darn. I thought there would be
a running board where I could jump
on and kiss you goodbye. Crap.
Well, it's a perfect place to tell
you something: I love you!

Terri looks at him surprised as the train leaves Allan
behind. Dave walks out behind him wearing a nurse hat.

TERRI
What are you supposed to be?

Dave shrugs. The train leaves as Terri is shaking her head.

As the train departs. Allan runs back to Dave.

ALLAN
Now we have to get the rest out of
the car. This is where you come in.

EXT. TRAIN STATION - TWENTY MINUTES LATER

Terri looks out the window and starts laughing.

Allan is bandaged and sitting in a wheelchair being pushed
by Dave still wearing the nurse hat. Allan has a head
bandage on and his arm is in a sling.

Terri is laughing as the train comes to a stop. Allan gets
up from the chair and hobbles over to the train.

ALLAN
I'm back honey. We did it! We won!
The Germans surrendered and we
freed France. Did you miss me?

TERRI
Dave, what did you do?

DAVE
I gave him an enema and a new
penis. The Germans shot the old one
off. Darn good sharpshooters.

TERRI
My hero!

Terri gets off the train and quickly kisses Dave. Allan is
bummed. Terri looks at Allan. She wonders whether to kiss
him in front of Dave.

DAVE
Kiss him. He defeated Germany for
God's sake.

ALLAN
I wanted to recreate an old World
War Two movie scene for you.

TERRI
Come here.
(in a sultry voice)
Welcome home, honey.

DAVE
And so the war ended and they lived
happily ever after while Allan
worked in a tweezers factory where
no women visited him ever again.

She bends him over like the famous picture from LIFE
Magazine of a couple kissing, except she is the male part.
She gives him a long, passionate kiss. When she finally
stops, Allan is gasping.

TERRI
My gift was cute. I really liked
it. Thank you.

Terri kisses him again.

TERRI
My agent is sending your script out
as soon as she gets it. I want to
get your writing career started.

INT. AMANDA'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY

Amanda is reading a script as Terri walks in.

AMANDA
This is awesome!

TERRI
A new script for our show?

AMANDA
It's a script for an indie film,
but they want me. I don't have to
play Miss Good Girl! I get to swear
and have an affair with the English
teacher. Kathy Calhoun sent it.

TERRI
Shit! No! That is the one Allan has
been working on. What the fuck! You
steal my script?

AMANDA
Don't blame me! I've been the star
of this show for ten years!

TERRI
Costar! I've been right there with
you! We were in this together!

AMANDA
Terri, I'm the star of the show. It
has my name in front and I still
can't land a role beyond this one!

TERRI
Neither can I, but you don't have
to steal my story!

AMANDA
Your story? He wrote it and Kathy
sent it to me! I don't see your
name on it!

TERRI
I was his muse!

AMANDA
Oh, give me a break. You played
him. He's in love with you so he
writes a script. He can't afford to
give you a car or a house so he
writes a 100 page love note.

Terri is struck by the last words and looks away.

AMANDA
And judging by the talent in this,
he truly does have a thing for you.
You must have slept with him.

TERRI
I didn't. I just bonded with him.

AMANDA
Bonded? More like using! I'll bond
with him. Kathy thinks he has more
scripts with strong female leads.

TERRI
Strong female leads I helped him
create. He's become a better writer
with me around.

AMANDA
Yeah, I'm sure he learned a lot
listening to you and Dave, who is
very, very hot by the way, have
sex. He probably goes fap,fap,fap
and cries. He may even cry while
he's fapping.

TERRI
Allan won't let you take the lead.
He won't sign off on someone else
taking my part.

AMANDA
Of course he will. He will once he
gets to know me. I can be just a
good a muse as you.

TERRI
Fuck you. You won't find him.

Terri throws a magazine at Amanda. Amanda throws one back.

AMANDA
I'll have some fun with him that
YOU never did.

They start to throw small items at each other. Both slowly
get closer and are about to go for each other's hair, when
the ASSISTANT DIRECTOR sticks her head in.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Okay, we're ready to film the deep
friendship scene...that I see you
two rehearsed so much.

INT. AGENT'S OFFICE - DAY

TERRI
You gave my treatment to Amanda?

KATHY
Terri, you want Allan to get his
career started. This is it. He
needs to agree to this. He says he
won't sign off on the sale.

TERRI
What if I took the script to Nick
or Disney?

KATHY
(laughs)
You don't want that. You know the
changes they'll make. The kids
aren't dead, they are missing and
the principal wants to help, not
stop her. The kids end up at
Grandma's house. Forget about your
character swearing or going with
anyone except a lost pet. Do you
want to help this guy's career or
just land a part? Tell him to agree
to the sale and just write a small
part of the friend who falls for
the nerd.

TERRI
Great, meanwhile Amanda gets to
play around with the two young guys
and the English teacher who is
probably played by George Clooney.

KATHY
They are going after Clive Owen,
Channing Tatum, or Bradley Cooper
as the English teacher.

TERRI
Oh, shit! She'll probably end up
with all three in the film. Amanda
juggling three English teachers.

KATHY
I'd go see that movie.

TERRI
Oh, my God, this sucks!

INT. ALLAN'S APARTMENT - LATER

Terri is pacing the apartment as Dave watches TV.

TERRI
I can't believe this! I can't
fucking believe this!

Allan enters the place and sees Terri pacing.

ALLAN
What's going on?

DAVE
They had a fight! Amanda and Terri
had physical fight!

TERRI
She stole my goddamn script! I'm
sorry, she stole your goddamn
script. I'm pissed! Really pissed!

Allan goes to the refrigerator and pulls out a carton of
milk. He pulls a box of cereal out of the cabinet and grabs
a bowl and spoon.

TERRI
I'm not in the mood for breakfast!

ALLAN
This is not breakfast. This is a
little psychological trick. It will
help. Dave, sit at the kitchen
table. Terri sit on his lap.

Dave sits at the table and Terri sits on his lap. Allan
quickly puts the cereal in the bowl, pours some milk and
sits down next to them. He scoops up a small spoonful and
moves towards Terri.

TERRI
You are really going to feed me?

ALLAN
I'm going to ask you a series of
questions. Just answer them. First
one: growing up, what was the best
birthday present you ever got?

As he asks this, he gently pushes a spoonful of cereal into
Terri's mouth after every question.

DAVE
A GI Joe doll when I was seven.

TERRI
Not you, moron! When I was seven. I
got a teacher Barbie.

ALLAN
What did it come with?

TERRI
A chalk board, two small students
and two little desks.

ALLAN
How did you play with it?

TERRI
I pretended to be my Dad.

ALLAN
What was the best day you ever
spent with your Grandma?

TERRI
We went to the zoo and I got to
watch lions and tigers being fed.
Then we went for ice cream.

ALLAN
Okay good. What would you do if you
had a million dollars?

Terri looks at him with a blank stare.

TERRI
I do have a million dollars!

ALLAN
Oh, okay. Let's say your accountant
invested it and some tech company
exploded and you were now worth
three hundred million.

TERRI
I'd finance your movie. Why are you
asking me these questions?

ALLAN
They are feel good questions to
make you concentrate on positive
things. The spoon feeding is to
bring back feelings of when you
were little and being comforted as
a child. Feel better?

DAVE
I feel great! I was answering them
in my head.

Terri's head drops onto the table.

ALLAN
Uh oh, I guess it didn't work as
well as I thought it would. Are you
okay?

TERRI
Dave, I need to talk to you alone
for a minute.

Allan is crestfallen.

ALLAN
I'm sorry. I thought it would help.

Terri walks up to Allan and kisses him.

TERRI
Allan, it was perfect. It was
exactly what I needed. Thank you.
You are a good friend. You are one
of my best friends now.

She hugs him.

TERRI
Dave, come into your room with me.

She grabs Dave by the hand and leads him into the room.
Allan sits down at the table depressed.

ALLAN
Damn, I cheer her up and she has
sex with Dave.

INT. DAVE'S ROOM - SAME TIME

Terri pushes Dave onto the bed and begins pacing around the
room.

DAVE
You know he has feelings for you,
right?

TERRI
I know. I know. It's getting worse.
I'm getting feelings for him.

DAVE
What? Really?

TERRI
Yes and I can't do that. Not again.
Those don't work out.

DAVE
I don't think Allan would recover
from that. His first love will be a
disaster anyway. They always are.

TERRI
I like Allan. I like him a lot! I
don't want to be ex-friends with
him. I don't want to pass him at
some party or premiere and we
aren't talking to each other.

DAVE
Once his script takes off, he'll be
meeting a lot of hungry actresses.

TERRI
I don't want him hooking up with
actresses that only go out with him
because he can get them a job. He's
got to meet someone before the
script is made. We have to get him
out of this apartment.

DAVE
We have to get him some dating
experience.

TERRI
We can do that for him.

She takes Dave's hand and leads him back out to the kitchen
where Allan is sitting.

INT. ALLAN AND DAVE'S APARTMENT - SAME TIME

Terri and Dave walk over to the table. Allan looks up.

ALLAN
That was quick.

TERRI
We just talked.

DAVE
No "hanky panky."

TERRI
Allan, I have been in real
relationships twice. They were both
with people I was friends with and
both ended in disasters. I don't
want that. I want you as a friend.
I want you to still be my friend
years from now.

ALLAN
Friends?

TERRI
Yes. You do need to get out and
date. You need to do it by getting
out. Not just to museums, but
clubs. Night clubs.

DAVE
I took him to one a few times.

TERRI
We'll both take him. We need to
train him.

DAVE
This would be like part two of my
dating talk where you actually get
behind the car and drive.

ALLAN
What about Melvin and Stanley?

TERRI
No. That would be like taking three
cats to the vet, sorry.

DAVE
He'll look great with his Dad's
jacket on.

TERRI
You'll need to get new clothes.

ALLAN
I can't afford that right now.

TERRI
Allan, what was the last question
you asked me?

ALLAN
What would you do if you had a
million dollars?

TERRI
I'd spend it on clothes for you.

ALLAN
I feel weird about you buying
clothes for me.

DAVE
Oh, come on. How much can a striped
sports jacket and checkered pants
cost? Let's get them way too small
so his arms stick out.

TERRI
I will pick out your clothes. I'm
buying. I pick.

DAVE
I don't want to spend four hours
getting clothes for him.

TERRI
You will be amazed how fast I shop.
I am not the shop-all-day type.

INT. CLOTHING STORE - AFTERNOON

Terri is walking through a store looking at clothes for
Allan. Two store staff members follow her.

TERRI
I want the purple shirt, the thin
black tie, a black sports jacket
and black pants. We'll get a few
colored t-shirts to wear with the
sports jacket and some nice jeans
so you can mix and match. This way
you look like a successful writer.

A young STORE ASSISTANT is watching. She steps back so she
cannot be seen and makes a phone call.

STORE ASSISTANT
The eagle has landed. You told me
to call if she came in here. She
has two guys in tow. A hot-looking
one and a nerdy-looking one. You
want which one? Have you been
drinking again?

INT. CLOTHING STORE - A LITTLE LATER

Allan stands in front of a mirror admiring his new look.

ALLAN
I like this. The jacket is like
five-hundred dollars, though.

TERRI
Mention price again and I will drag
you into the changing room and beat
you with a belt. I want two weeks
worth of outfits.

DAVE
Let him pick them out.

TERRI
Are you insane? This is Career Day
boy we're talking about.

DAVE
I think he's got the hang of things
for ten minutes. Look at the
clothes around here. There is no
way he can pick out bad stuff.

Dave grabs Terri and takes her into a changing room.

TERRI
What has gotten in to you?

DAVE
You taking charge is a turn on.

He starts kissing her. Allan sighs and looks at clothes.

Amanda enters the store as if searching for someone.

AMANDA
Allan? Hi! Is Terri here?

Allan is stunned. He struggles with an answer.

ALLAN
She's uh... she's in the dressing
room with Dave.

AMANDA
Oh, good. Can we talk?

She leads Allan by the hand.

AMANDA
I think getting you out and about
is a great idea! In fact, I know
some great stores for you!

INT. CHANGING ROOM - SAME TIME

Terri is making out with Dave, when she suddenly stops.

TERRI
Wait a minute. Why did I just hear
Amanda's voice?

DAVE
How can you hear that?

TERRI
She's here! I sense her. It's like
radar. I know when she is nearby.

Terri quickly runs out of the changing room.

DAVE
Great. I'm dating a dolphin.

INT. CLOTHING STORE - SAME TIME

Terri looks frantically around. She grabs the young store
assistant who made the call.

TERRI
Did a tall blonde come in here?

STORE ASSISTANT
Your costar? Um, she might have.

TERRI
Dammit, Dave. We shouldn't have
left him alone.

DAVE
He's not a three-year old we left
alone in the park.

TERRI
That's exactly what he is. And
Amanda is the creepy stranger with
candy. She's probably molesting him
in her car right now! And she's
going to ask him to show her his
pen and sign the contracts!

Terri grabs Dave and runs through the store searching.

DAVE
He should have an ankle monitor.

They spot Amanda talking to Allan near the exit.

TERRI
You get the fuck away from Allan?

Terri moves toward Amanda, but Dave steps in front.

DAVE
Whoa, not in a store.

ALLAN
Hey! Hey! You two have been friends
for ten years. You don't need to
fight over a stupid writer!

AMANDA
You're not stupid!

TERRI
Shut up! I'm supposed to be the one
who says that. He's not stupid.

AMANDA
I didn't say he was. Allan, I loved
your script. I thought it was
wonderful.

TERRI
It's a great script! I'm taking it
to some producers.

AMANDA
Kathy already did. They have the
financing, all they need is for you
to sign and agree to the deal.

TERRI
We're looking at other options.

AMANDA
I'll talk to you later, Allan.

Amanda walks towards her car.

TERRI
I'm sure you will!
(in a softer voice)
You fucking, thieving little twit.

INT. NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT

We are at a top of the line hip night club with
fashionably-dressed people talking and dancing.

Terri is sitting with Dave, but she has her hand on the
sleeve of Allan's jacket. They are watching people on the
dance floor. Dance music is playing away.

ALLAN
Can I go out there and dance?

TERRI
Not yet. You just ate.

DAVE
He's not going to get swim cramps!
You are more nervous than he is!

TERRI
I don't want Amanda horning in on
this. Keep an eye out for her.

DAVE
And if I see her?

TERRI
Chase her, talk to her, seduce her,
whatever it takes!

DAVE
Cool! I get to be a cock-blocker!

Terri slowly takes Allan out on to the dance floor. Allan
just stands there. She motions for Allan to start dancing.

Allan begins to dance by swinging his hands and arms all
over the place.

DAVE
(calling out)
You forgot to teach him how to
dance. This is like watching a
monkey play golf!

A girl walks by and gets her purse knocked up in the air by
Allan. Terri catches it before it falls to the floor.

DAVE
Curious George and the Fucked-Up
Dance Moves.

Terri grabs Allan's hands and pushes them down. She motions
to watch her. She starts to do a very cool-looking dance and
motions for him to copy. He begins to do so.

Terri puts on some dance moves that compliment Allan. She
works to make sure his arms and hands don't fly around.
Slowly, she gets him to dance better.

As she does this, two shorter, younger women make their way
through the crowd to Allan and surround him. Slowly the
women push Allan off the floor to talk to him.

GIRL #1
I'm Debbie and this is my friend
Mary Ann. We like how he dances.

GIRL #2
We'd like to get to know him. Can
we talk at the bar?

TERRI
Sure. We'll be on the other side.

The two girls take Allan by the hand to the bar.

Dave walks over to Terri.

DAVE
I feel like I'm watching my kid get
on the bus his first day of school.
Don't forget your lunch money! And
don't let anyone bully you!

TERRI
I need a drink.

INT. NIGHT CLUB - BY THE BAR - LATER

The two girls are listening to Allan chat away. One of them
keeps an eye on Terri and Dave, while the other periodically
looks at her phone.

ALLAN
Why yes, I'm outlining several
other scripts.

GIRL #1
(looking at her phone)
Okay. Ready.

GIRL #2
Would you like to see our limo?

ALLAN
You two have a limo?

The two girls eagerly guide him across the dance floor
towards the parking garage.

At the edge of the garage is a sleek black limousine. The
two girls open the door and guide him in. It is dark inside.

Allan looks around, but can't see anything.

ALLAN
Is someone else in here?

The light clicks on. Amanda sits in the seat, looking at him
and smiling. She moves over next to him as the limo starts.

AMANDA
Oh, look. It's my writer!

Amanda kisses him. Allan is in shock.

The two young girls laugh and move away a bit while Amanda
eases into his lap. She kisses him while running her hands
through his hair. He is like a deer in headlights.

AMANDA
Allan, where exactly do you live?

INT. ALLAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Dave and Terri are laying in bed, still fully-dressed.

TERRI
What do you think he is doing?

DAVE
Hopefully he's in the middle of his
fourth orgasm. I thought for a few
days you were going to be the one
to take his virginity.

TERRI
You wouldn't be jealous?

DAVE
Do you know how many times we would
be at a party or a bar talking to
two girls and he would panic and
leave? He's a terrible wing man.
Never have a wing man who is afraid
of flying. You could have at least
shoved him into the plane, fucked
his brains out and muffled his
screams at the same time.

TERRI
He'd finally find out how much fun
it can be. I sure hope he's okay.
There seem to be a lot of guys out
there so afraid of women that they
live this little quiet life alone.
I don't want him at fifty sitting
in his apartment eating a frozen
dinner and watching TV by himself
before going to bed.

DAVE
He'll probably be talking to a
picture of you on his night stand.

TERRI
Don't say that. That makes me sad.

Suddenly they hear the sound of the apartment door unlocking
and opening.

DAVE
(whispering)
I wonder which one he brought home.

TERRI
(whispering)
Maybe both.

They hear Allan's door shut.

DAVE
Holy shit! He's going to lose it in
this apartment. Finally, sex in his
room instead of just mine!

Terri listens. By her face, we can tell she is not sure if
she is going to enjoy this or not.

They can hear kissing and fumbling sounds in Allan's room.
The sound of a belt falling on the floor can be heard,
followed by shoes dropping.

TERRI
That's the belt we bought him. And
those are the shoes.

DAVE
They're almost naked. You can run
in there and give him pointers.

TERRI
Shhhhh.

We hear a female giggle in Allan's room. Terri's face goes
from smiling to frown.

TERRI
That's Amanda's laugh.

DAVE
Impossible! He left with two girls
and I didn't see Amanda at all.

TERRI
Shit, they were decoys.

DAVE
Let him get laid, then go in there.

Terri sits quietly, but is getting more and more agitated.

AMANDA (V.O.)
You're sure we're alone here.

ALLAN (V.O.)
I think they are still out.

AMANDA (V.O.)
Terri will be looking for me at the
club or staking out my house. I
don't need that. Hey, look a pen!
And look what I have in my purse!
Some papers!

AMANDA
I knew it!

DAVE
Maybe she's rolling him a doob!

TERRI
No, this is bullshit.

She storms out of the room and into Allan's room. Dave is
right behind her.

INT. ALLAN'S ROOM - SAME TIME

Allan is laying on his bed with his butt exposed. Amanda is
standing over him holding some papers. We can see her butt
as well.

Terri walks up and smacks Amanda in the ass with her hand.

AMANDA
Ow! Shit!

She then smacks Allan on the ass as well.

ALLAN
Ow!

TERRI
You two-timing shit! You try to
fuck my writer? That is not why you
sleep with him!

AMANDA
All you did was make sure Allan was
interested in you even though you
didn't want him.

TERRI
He's my friend!

AMANDA
Oh, yeah, right. I bet you left
messages for him in lipstick on his
mirror. I bet you came up from
behind and hugged him. I bet you
made sure you left your shirt in
his room because all that was in an
episode we did about getting a guy!

ALLAN
All that was a ploy?

TERRI
No! Amanda, you were making fun of
him being an uncredited writer!

AMANDA
Yeah and then you kept telling me
how talented he was and how funny
and smart and charming, in a goofy
never-get-laid kind of way.

TERRI
He is funny! He is smart! He is
charming.

DAVE
Terri, let's just go back to our
room and let them be.

TERRI
No! His first time can't be with
someone who just wants his script!

AMANDA
Too late! I'm in the mood, despite
your smacking my ass! Is this what
you want? You are already killing
Allan's career by not having him
sign the papers. Are you also going
to make sure he never gets laid?

Terri looks like she is having a breakdown. She holds her
head like she has the worst headache, but then recovers.

TERRI
Dave, take Amanda into your room.

DAVE
Are you serious!

AMANDA
I can have Dave?

TERRI
Go. Wait!

Terri grabs Amanda's purse and rummages through it quickly
until she finds a small package of condoms.

AMANDA
(acting embarrassed)
Oh, my, how did those get in there?

TERRI
Shut up. Go.

Amanda and Dave leave.

ALLAN
Are you just doing this because of
the script?

Terri rips apart the package of condoms and then quickly
rips the top of the package off with her teeth. She does
this so fast it looks like a magician doing a trick. She has
clearly done this many times under speedy circumstances.

TERRI
I'm doing this because of you!

ALLAN
I'm getting nervous.

TERRI
I don't care if you are shaking
like a leaf. You're going to do
this with someone who cares about
you, not just your script.

She takes a deep breath and crawls on to the bed, gently
pushing him down on the bed.

ALLAN
You gave up Dave for the script?

TERRI
Amanda is going to get the lead,
not me. Sign the papers.

ALLAN
I don't want her in it. I want you.

TERRI
Sign the damn papers. This is your
first sale. You need the money.

Terri starts taking her shirt off.

ALLAN
Even if this is just another fling
to you, this is much more to me.

Terri crawls on top of Allan and sits a moment. She takes in
a deep breath and pounds on his chest in frustration.

TERRI
This is different. This is very
different.

She looks directly into his eyes and moves closer and
closer. Allan stops her.

ALLAN
You have probably had a wonderful
sex life full of Hall of Fame
lovers. I'm none of those. I may
not be good at this.

She leans down and whispers in his ear.

TERRI
I'll be good enough for both of us.

ALLAN
I think I'm in trouble.

She stops and leans forward looking right at him.

TERRI
This is not a hookup. This is with
my friend. Allan, I want this to be
fun for you. I wanted to be there
for your first time. I just didn't
know... I was really going to be
there. We'll go slow. I want you to
trust me.

Terri looks into his eyes and waits for him to calm down.

TERRI
Are you calm?

ALLAN
I'm calm.

Terri slowly kisses his neck and shoulder while running her
fingers through his hair. She looks into his eyes and moves
toward his lips. She kisses him deeply, like it is her first
real kiss and she doesn't want it to stop.

INT. ALLAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

From the look on Allan's face, he has just survived the most
amazing event in his life. Terri is holding him with one arm
and leg draped over him. Finally Allan exhales.

ALLAN
And my seventh grade priest never
interrupted.

TERRI
I locked him in the closet with a
rosary. You're not shaking!

ALLAN
I feel like I just went over the
world's biggest waterfall.

TERRI
We went over it together. Splash.
Now we swim to shore, lie on the
beach a bit and then go back in.

ALLAN
This isn't over?

TERRI
This isn't something you just do in
order to get it over with. I want
it to be like your first time going
to an amusement park. There's this
ride and that ride and you stop for
lunch and then visit the gift shop!

ALLAN
I feel like I'm in this field with
flowers and birds and rainbows!

TERRI
No, that's "Teletubbies."

ALLAN
Is it really that much fun or are
you just that incredible at it?

TERRI
Both.

ALLAN
This was better than my first
airplane ride! This felt like my
first airplane ride!

Terri crawls on top of him and starts kissing him again.

ALLAN
Except the plane didn't have as
much turbulence.

Terri starts running her hands along his chest and lower as
she imitates a stewardess on a flight.

TERRI
On behalf of the captain and crew,
welcome back. The captain has
turned on the fasten seat belt sign
so make sure your folding tray is
in its upright position. As we near
our destination, the landing stick
will pop out. Just keep breathing.

INT. ALLAN'S APARTMENT - MORNING

Allan and Terri blissfully walk out of the room with the
look of a couple that has been making love all night.

Dave and Amanda are at the kitchen table having breakfast.

DAVE
Hey, love birds!

Amanda touches his arm and looks at him, suggesting he keep
quiet. The four sit in silence having breakfast.

DAVE
So, Allan, you sleep well?

ALLAN
Funny, Dave.

AMANDA
You know what's funny? My ass still
hurts.

DAVE
Let's talk about the weather.

AMANDA
Okay, it's sunny... and my ass
still hurts.

TERRI
I gave you my boyfriend.

AMANDA
I know....
(voice trailing off)
And that's just... weird.

DAVE
But a fun weird.

AMANDA
Are you still Dave's girlfriend?

TERRI
No.

ALLAN
What am I then?

TERRI
You're a writer.

The four continue eating breakfast quietly. Terri watches
the other three for a moment.

TERRI
I know what we should do.

AMANDA
Please don't say switch partners
again.

TERRI
What do we do each year when our
production season has ended?

AMANDA
I'm really not in the mood.

TERRI
Come on. We'll have a nice brunch.
We'll talk, we'll sing, we'll
laugh.

AMANDA
I don't feel like laughing.

TERRI
You will after some mimosas. You
get three mimosas into her and she
becomes the queen of stand-up.

AMANDA
I'm not drinking mimosas and I'm
not telling stupid jokes.

INT. BAR - AFTERNOON

Terri, Amanda, Allan and Dave are sitting at a table. The
place is fairly crowded.

Allan and Dave are looking at Amanda in shock as she is
telling jokes with three empty mimosa glasses beside her.

AMANDA
So the guy has this crush on his
proctologist because she's hot.

TERRI
A really hot ass doctor.

AMANDA
That's what I said. So she's
examining him and she says...

TERRI
She's looking right into his ass.

AMANDA
(softly)
Will you let me tell the joke? She
says "Okay, everything seems fine,
but, wait, what the... there are
flowers in there!" And the guy
says
(in a groaning voice)
"I know, read the card!"

Allan and Dave look at each other in shock.

AMANDA
Get it? She finds a bouquet of
flowers in his....

TERRI
Ass.

AMANDA
Yeah, his ass. That's it. Did I
tell that joke before? Should I
tell it again? Do you want me to go
slower? I can tell it in French if
you want.

She leans over and kisses Dave and then pets Allan's hair
like he is a dog.

TERRI
That's just three mimosas. Wait
until you see four.

DAVE
All you need is a seltzer bottle
and two straw hats and you'd be a
comedy team!

A DJ walks up onto a small stage with a microphone. There is
a piano beside him.

DJ
Welcome to our weekly Mimosa and
Karaoke brunch! I'm glad to see
Amanda and Terri are back. We
missed you! This is where you can
play or perform Karaoke. And since
Amanda is the most lit, she can
come up here first.

Amanda staggers up to the piano.

AMANDA
I'm going to play.

DJ
Okay, Amanda is going to play
piano. What are you going to play?

She pushes the DJ aside, sits down at the piano and starts
to play what sounds like a wonderful love song.

AMANDA
This is a song. This is my song. I
know this one by heart and it's
always in my heart. I am this song.

She suddenly switches into "Chopsticks."

AMANDA
(singing)
Chopsticks, and chopsticks and
chopsticks and chopsticks.

The crowd laughs. Amanda stops.

AMANDA
Wait, how does the rest go?

DJ
Does somebody want to help her out?

Terri walks up, leading Allan with her. She sits him down on
the chair, grabs the microphone and looks over at the DJ.

TERRI
Karaoke, my number four song.

AMANDA
Four. I thought you only had three.

TERRI
I've been saving this one.

Terri winks at Amanda and starts strutting around Allan as
the DJ makes a few clicks on his computer. A song starts.

The screen clicks on: "I'd Really Love To See You Tonight"
by England Dan and John Ford Coley.

Terri slowly moves around Allan, working her magic.

TERRI
(singing)
Hello, yeah, it's been awhile. Not
much, how 'bout you? I'm not sure
why I called, I guess I really just
wanted to talk to you...

Terri owns the stage and Allan, touching his nose, touching
his hair, running her fingers through his hair, looking
directly into his face. Allan is completely smitten.

Even Dave and Amanda are impressed and riveted.

Terri continues to sing and moves in for the kill gently
kissing his neck and shoulder while singing.

TERRI
(singing)
I'm not talking 'bout movin' in.
And I don't want to change your
life. But there's a warm wind
blowin' the stars around. And I'd
really love to see you tonight.

Amanda puts her head into her hands as Terri kisses Allan.
The place explodes in applause. She has won everyone over.
Allan looks like he hasn't taken a breath in awhile.

DAVE
Holy crap, that was good.

AMANDA
Ten years together and she still
amazes me.

INT. BAR - NIGHT

Terri, Allan, Dave and Amanda are still seated at a table.

Terri leans in to Allan

TERRI
Did you like it?

ALLAN
I'm in love.

DAVE
Hell, I was almost in love.

AMANDA
Me, too.

TERRI
Don't fall in love. I like you
Allan. I like you a lot, even
though I'm nowhere to be found in a
script I pushed you to write.

AMANDA
I'll keep an eye on him.

ALLAN
I'll write another one. I like the
idea of a young sheriff tackling a
crime, or maybe a monster. She took
over when the older sheriff died,
but she's in a tough election
battle with a ruthless local
businessman who wants to open a
mine decades after a cave in killed
everybody and even her deputies
aren't sure of her.

AMANDA
I like that. I could play that.

TERRI
Do you want your ass smacked again?

DAVE
What are we going to be doing in
five or ten years? Will we still
get together and hang out or will
we just see each other at premieres
and award shows and wave to each
other and blow air-kisses.

AMANDA
I'll still come up and kiss you. In
ten years, we'll be into our
thirties!

TERRI
No, according to Dimestore, we'll
be in our late teens by then.

They all laugh.

TERRI
Ten years in Hollywood is like
forty elsewhere.

DAVE
I think wherever we end up we'll
still have a high regard and fond
memories of each other.

TERRI
A toast! To high regards and fond
memories.

AMANDA
To our futures!

Terri's cell phone rings. She looks at it.

TERRI
It's Kathy.
(she answers)
Hello? Really? Urgent? Okay.

She hangs up.

TERRI
Warners wants to see me.

INT. STUDIO MEETING - LATER

Terri enters a room where there are two studio executives,
an older man and an older woman.

TERRI
Wow. They bring in the big guns!

WOMAN
Terri, I'm Hilary Langston and this
is Mark Ganak.

TERRI
I know who you are. I've met you at
awards shows, briefly.

MARK
We wanted to talk directly to you.

HILARY
"Matador Ring" with Matt Thompson.
You play his wife.

TERRI
He had a wife. She was killed off
in the first two.

MARK
The second was just a girlfriend.

TERRI
So I'm in this for like ten minutes
before I get in the elevator and
fall fifty stories into the
basement?

HILARY
You are in it all the way through.

TERRI
I costar in it?

MARK
Carissa Valdez is his costar.

TERRI
So they work together and fall in
love and they put me in an asylum.

HILARY
No, the script is more romantic.
Matt and Carissa work together and
she learns from him, but he stays
with his wife. When his wife is
threatened he has to protect her.
He realizes how important his
marriage is and he retires.

MARK
Until "Matador Ring Five." It
shoots four weeks in Florida and
six in Morocco.

TERRI
Why are you guys telling me? You
could have had a secretary tell me,
not two studio heads.

HILARY
Matt set this meeting up himself.

MARK
He wanted you to play the part of
his wife. He said he saw some
scenes you did in "Tamera."

HILARY
He watches all your shows.

A side door opens. Matt Thompson enters.

MATT
Terri.

TERRI
Matt. Long time no see.

MATT
Could I have a second with Terri?

Hilary and Mark get up.

MARK
We'll talk later.

HILARY
Congratulations. This starts your
movie career. It is a very good
script and you have a great part.

Hilary and Mark leave.

TERRI
I loved getting that call from you
the next morning... not!

MATT
I know. I'm sorry about that. I was
dating Cherry Mettes at the time.

TERRI
The soccer player?

MATT
She had a temper. All these years
later, I think about you.

TERRI
Yeah, right.

Matt pulls out his wallet and opens it. He points to a
picture of her in one of his plastic sleeves.

MATT
You will see there are no others.

TERRI
You never called.

MATT
I saw you in People with Tim Perez.

TERRI
The Yankee? That was weeks later.

MATT
He still thinks about you. I was in
New York two weeks ago and I was at
lunch with Tim Perez and Derek
Logan of the Dolphins, plus Glen
Obaki from the Saints.

TERRI
What was this, a guys-who-slept-
with-Terri lunch? Why don't you
have a big meeting and buffet? We
can have the main program and then
break into little groups...

MATT
They all still hold a candle for
you. A candle in the wind.

TERRI
Oh, please, Elton John.

MATT
They all talked about you. I want
you in "Matador Ring." I think
you'd be great.

TERRI
And Cherry and Carissa?

MATT
Cherry and I were over years ago
and Carissa and I are over as well.
Warners is willing to pay you a lot
of money to play this part. I think
you bring sass and energy and just
the right amount of spunk. The wife
needs to be someone who stands up
and is his equal, not someone
making eggs in the kitchen.

TERRI
You played me!

MATT
I played a lot of people! I was
young! I was stupid! I'm sorry I
didn't call. I was worried you
would tell me where to go. I think
we make a great team.

He grabs her and kisses her. She is stunned.

INT. AMANDA'S DRESSING ROOM - AFTERNOON

Amanda is sitting at her dresser as Terri enters. Amanda
looks as if she's been crying.

TERRI
What's wrong?

AMANDA
It's over. Our show. Our careers.
Shit! Shit!

TERRI
It's only afternoon and you're
already swearing?

Amanda pulls out two drinking glasses.

TERRI
This must be bad.

Amanda reaches in and pulls out a very expensive bottle of
Scotch. Terri sits down.

TERRI
This must be really bad.

Amanda pulls out ice cubes, dropping them into each glass.

AMANDA
This was supposed to be for when
our season ended, not our careers.
The Hollywood Reporter, the Daily
Variety, the Times, Deadline, TMZ.
"Tamera on Camera No Longer. Stars
personal lives unravel." Like we
were found drunk in a gutter.

Amanda reaches back into her dresser, pulls out a magazine
and throws it at Terri.

AMANDA
Look at the article on hookups on
page 32.

TERRI
I figure I'm in there.

AMANDA
Both of us are. It lists our brief
relationships by name. Granted your
list is longer, but I'm there, too.

TERRI
You were like a nun. When did you
find time?

AMANDA
You remember when you had your
thing with Matt Thompson? Mine was
with Charles "Banger" Vance.

TERRI
The Yankee? There is an asterisk by
his name. He was special?

AMANDA
No, the asterisk means he left a
gift that required shots and meds.
He gave it to a dozen on his list.
They all have asterisks.

TERRI
There should be a three strikes law
that if you give that to three
women they can hire a hitman.

AMANDA
It was when we went to New York.

TERRI
You got sick from fast food.

AMANDA
That's what I told you. I was in a
hotel with Banger. After that I
decided to play it safe. I was with
people from far, far away. There is
a guy in Scotland and one in
Morocco with some fond memories.

TERRI
They kept their mouths shut?

AMANDA
None of them could pronounce TMZ.
Actually the guy in Scotland thinks
I'm a singer named Tabitha. He's
still combing record stores looking
for my jazz album. Dimestore said
we got 80,000 emails over this
article in three hours. One-half
from angry women and the other half
from horny men thinking they could
get with us. I guess a bunch sent
pictures of themselves, or, you
know, parts of themselves. I have
Allan's movie, but it's low budget.
My trailer will be just a tree
stump I sit on and craft services
will be pea soup.

TERRI
I'm playing Matt Thompson's wife in
"Matador Ring Four."

AMANDA
Holy cow! "Matador Ring!"

TERRI
I think it's a lucky break.

AMANDA
This is huge! He has a home in
every country including ones no
American is allowed into.

TERRI
What do I do about Allan?

AMANDA
You had Allan. You cured him. He
has a career thanks to you.

TERRI
I have to go tell him.

AMANDA
That's what publicists are for.

TERRI
He should be at Otkaz. Amanda, he
got me to care for the first time
in a long time about some guy.

AMANDA
There is no way he will be able to
handle you working with Matt on a
daily basis, especially when you
have love scenes. How many love
scenes are in the script?

TERRI
Three.

AMANDA
He had a dozen in the first two.

TERRI
But only one was with his first
wife. What about Dave?

AMANDA
He's really funny! I'm going to
hang with him. Allan will be hurt.

TERRI
We'll both be hurt.

EXT. PARKING LOT - AFTERNOON

Allan is standing in the middle of a muddy lot.

Terri gets out of her car and looks around, confused.

TERRI
We were just here the other day!

ALLAN
Maxim sold it and moved to Florida.
They plowed it to make way for a
parking lot. Clickmart is closing.

TERRI
What about Melvin and Stanley?

Allan sits down on the bare ground.

ALLAN
Wal-Mart. They are going to run the
electronics department with three
women. I signed the documents and
sold my script. Where will you be?

TERRI
Making "Matador Ring Four."

ALLAN
I heard.

TERRI
Dimestore says being in his movie
is the only way to save my career.
I'm lucky to end up in the movie. I
should be happy.

ALLAN
I will always carry a picture of
you. I always did anyway. I know I
can't compete with Thompson. He has
houses so big they come with gift
shops. All I can do is tell you I
will never ever feel entitled to
you. I will never wake up and say
"Yeah, she's mine. I deserve it."

TERRI
I wasn't sure if you were going to
want to hang around after that
article came out.

ALLAN
The only thing I would worry about
is if some of the guys disappeared
under suspicious circumstances.
Otherwise, I don't care. Like you
said: your sex life is your sex
life. I know this sounds pathetic,
but I will wait until after
"Matador Ring" and see what you're
up to. Heck, you were with Dave and
I still waited. I will always be
glad you were my first. I will
never regret that. Never.

TERRI
Neither will I.

She walks over and kisses him.

ALLAN
I will wait. I'll wait even if
there are ten Matador movies.

Terri starts to cry. She kisses him again and leaves.

INT. SUPERMARKET - NIGHT - PASSAGE OF TIME

Allan is in the same supermarket he was in at the beginning.
He is shopping and watching couples once again.

INT. BUS - NIGHT

Allan is taking the same bus back. He sees a billboard for
"Tamera on Camera" going up, advertising the last episode.

He looks out and sees the same homeless guy from the movie
premier at a bus stop, who points at him.

INT. ALLAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Allan enters his apartment. Dave is putting on a nice suit.

DAVE
My agent scored us tickets to the
"Tracks on Everest" premiere. It
has Matt Thompson and Carissa
Valdez in it.

ALLAN
I hope you see Terri and say hello.

DAVE
You're going with me. You deserve
closure. Just stay away from the
fruit displays. Get dressed!

EXT. MOVIE PREMIERE - NIGHT

Allan and Dave show their passes to security. As they do,
they are screened with electronic devices.

Richard Cramp is standing in front of the cameras. He is
introducing his show, but seems depressed.

RICHARD
Good evening and welcome to my new
show, Hollywood's Take. I'm Richard
Cramp.

A scruffy-looking Muppet pops up named MOOKIE.

MOOKIE
And I'm Richard's cohost, Mookie!

The Muppet chatters away about the show while Richard
wanders away.

RICHARD
(muttering to himself)
My first solo show and I'm hosting
it with a talking sock.

Dave and Allan make their way towards Amanda and Terri.

As they do, Matt Thompson sees them. He talks to security
and points at them.

Two security men quickly make their way to Allan and Dave.

SECURITY #1
Sorry, guys. You have to leave.

ALLAN
We have tickets!

SECURITY #1
I'm sorry.

Amanda quickly walks over and grabs Dave.

AMANDA
If he leaves, I leave.

The security guards let Dave go as Allan is led away.

DAVE
I'll get you in. Hang around!

Allan is physically escorted out.

Terri is watching Matt Thompson and his costar Carissa
Valdez having a tender moment before they walk in.

AMANDA
I heard this movie sucks big time.

Matt quickly walks over to Terri.

MATT
Ready to make our entrance?

TERRI
You two looked pretty close there.

MATT
Carissa's upset. IMDB had a typo on
her age. They listed her as 52
instead of 25.

TERRI
Maybe she can land a remake of
"Driving Miss Daisy."

MATT
Hold on. She's crying again.

Matt runs over to talk to Carissa again. It is obvious from
Carissa's pointing that the problem has more to do with
Terri than IMDB.

Amanda turns to Dave.

AMANDA
Stay right behind me. Don't let
anyone grab you.

Richard walks over to Dave.

DAVE
Going to interview me?

RICHARD
Let Allan go. Think of your
career.

Amanda holds Terri's hand and waves at the cameras.

AMANDA
This may be our last walk together
across a red carpet.

TERRI
I have to ask you. What is your
impression of Matt?

AMANDA
He's a superstar. He's the man.
He's the biggest name in movies! He
got Allan kicked out. He's an ass.
And by ass, I mean asshole.

As they walk up the carpet to have pictures taken, Terri
spots Allan in the crowd.

Allan holds up his ticket and shakes his head and then
shrugs. Matt comes running over to Terri.

MATT
Okay, walk up the red carpet with
me and just keep away from Carissa.

TERRI
It's your movie, not hers.

Mookie and Richard Cramp confront Matt.

RICHARD
Are you back together with Carissa
after all this. You two looked
lovey-dovey tonight. She is your
costar after all.

MATT
Well, Carissa is the real star. She
steals the whole movie. She has
this wonderful thing she does...

RICHARD
Yes, but there have been some
articles suggesting you may get
back with Terri and-

He is violently shoved out of the way by Mookie.

MOOKIE
My turn! Matt, I saw the movie
earlier at a sneak preview and I
loved it. You are a terrific actor.
How many movies does this make?

MATT
Ten movies so far.

MOOKIE
And all of them make money.

MATT
Yes, they do. It's the appeal of
the costars that bring them in to
see it over and over again.

MOOKIE
Well, we all love Carissa.

MATT
Who doesn't?

Terri spots Allan, who smiles and mouths the words "I love
you" to her. He starts walking towards his bus stop.

She thinks a minute. Amanda is about to be interviewed by
Richard. She holds on to Dave.

AMANDA
This is my friend Dave.

RICHARD
I know Dave well. We go way back.

AMANDA
He's a talented actor and his
roommate is a very talented writer.
Allan Porter: I'm in his next film.

RICHARD
I hope you two are smart about your
career choices. I think your costar
is about to make a truly dumb one.

Terri steps over the ropes and makes her way to Allan.

Matt Thompson walks over to Amanda.

MATT
What the hell is going on? She's
supposed to walk up the carpet?

AMANDA
She went to check out a bus stop.

MATT
A bus stop? She has a limo!

AMANDA
What can you do? Those writers mess
up endings every time.

Matt walks over to Carissa and walks up the carpet with her.

Amanda watches Terri making her way towards Allan and then
sees Matt making his way towards Carissa. Security is still
hassling Dave. Reporters and photographers gather around
Matt and Carissa.

Richard Cramp stands by Amanda and Dave.

RICHARD
I've got these two. We are on in
three, two, one.

Lights click on Richard and he begins his interview.

RICHARD
So, Amanda Wickens. Will you ever
see Terri again? Will you even
speak to Terri again?

Richard tries to prompt Amanda by mouthing "Say No! Say No!"

Amanda grabs a balloon nearby, unties it and sucks into it.

AMANDA
(mouse voice)
I loved your YouTube clip!

MOOKIE
Wasn't that clip hilarious? I
laughed and laughed!

RICHARD
Thanks, washed up actress!

MOOKIE
Don't take it personally. He calls
me the unwashed sock. Then I play
that YouTube clip and I feel so
much better.

Richard moves on to try and interview Matt Thompson.

Amanda looks at Matt and then out at the crowd to see if she
can see Terri.

EXT. BUS STOP - NIGHT

Allan is sitting at his bus stop. Terri walks up.

TERRI
I just realized I'm going to need a
dog groomer while on the set.

ALLAN
Your dog died three years ago.

TERRI
That's right. You probably had a
picture of him on your wall. Okay,
you can be my fluffer.

ALLAN
I'll groom your dog.

TERRI
He'll need a lot of daily grooming.

They kiss as a bus pulls up.

ALLAN
You've got a premiere to get to.

TERRI
No I don't.

She gets on the bus with him. Allan flashes his bus pass and
then reaches into his pocket for a token for Terri. The BUS
DRIVER waves him away.

BUS DRIVER
I know who you are: love your show.

They take a seat and kiss as the bus starts to pull away.

There is a pounding on the side of the bus and it stops.

Amanda and Dave enter the bus. The bus driver looks at them
in shock.

BUS DRIVER
What the-? Is this like that
episode on your show where you two
went back in time and got on the
Partridge Family bus?

AMANDA
No, that was a magic bus.

Amanda leads Dave by the hand to where Terri and Allan are
sitting.

AMANDA
I wanted to see what public transit
was like. So you made your choice.

TERRI
I doubt I'll be in Matador Five.

AMANDA
We've been there for each other for
ten years. I'm not about to ditch
you now, even with a purple ass.

DAVE
Hey, I am not purple.

The bus passes a nightclub. The four look and spot Melvin
and Stanley, standing out in front talking to two women.

Terri and Amanda look at each other and high-five.

TERRI
I think we just picked up major
karma points.

ALLAN
Where are we going?

TERRI
Back to your place.
(looks over at Dave)
And your place.

AMANDA
I call dibs on the cowboy hat I
found under Dave's bed.

DAVE
Ever make out on an RTD Bus?

Amanda leans over and kisses Dave as Terri does the same
with Allan.

The bus zooms off with the two couples kissing.

 


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