Start to a story-Looking for criticism

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Action and Adventure  |  House: Booksie Classic
My story I've started writing, I thought it was ok but I wanted to have someone unbiased take a look. It's basically about a kingdom that was conquered and an outcast king's return to power(not that far yet)

Submitted: August 19, 2012

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Submitted: August 19, 2012



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A shadow rested upon the rocks, over looking the small, isolated village. Sleepy villagers retired for the night, one by one they returned home. It was as usual in the village, the only sounds breaking the silence was the chirping of the crickets and the calls of the animals of the night. The village was not always so quiet though, at one point the ruined castle looming over the village was once the center of a great kingdom, The Kingdom of the West Valley.

The village was once a center of prosperity and glory; men from the valley village were regarded as the best infantry ever seen. The warriors could best any man in a contest of skill. Masters of the blade, bow, and spear they were a powerful force who could take on any enemy they fought. Until the forces of the Trallish Empire arrived.

Their troops covered in armor, painted black as night, with their full helmets that made them look like a horrible creature from legends, or so the stories go. They came by the thousands; the Kingdom fought valiantly, but was eventually over run. The battle formations of the Empire were entirely unknown to the Kingdom and overwhelmed them before they could adjust to fighting it.

The entire invasion lasted a little under a year. The great castles of the Kingdom were destroyed or captured, until only the capitol of the Kingdom remained. The villagers tried to mount a defense of the paths leading to the capitol, but resistance was quickly crushed. All that remained of the once great armies formed at the mouth of the path that led into Voristan. The castle had only one way up and one way down, its blessing and its curse. The reason it stood without falling for so long was the long line of defenses. Set in the caves and in the trees, the defense could not penetrate the walls of shields the Empire wielded. Even attacks from the rear failed, arrows simply deflected off of the armor of the Knights of Twilight, as the elite legion was known as. The forces of the Kingdom were pushed all the way to the gates when a beacon of light began to shine. The legendary cavalry of General Brisor rode through the northern most pass, plowing through layers of soldiers. The charge eventually lost its speed though and was bogged down. The cavalry was separated and eventually all that remained was General Brisor. He fought by himself while a squad of Valley Men fought to rescue him. He was struck down by the commander of the Knights of Twilight. As he struck the blow, the Valley Men arrived. Finding the general dead, they quickly surrounded and killed the commander.

After the loss of General Brisor and the Valley Men, who were quickly inundated, the armies of the Kingdom retreated inside the walls. The siege lasted longer than the rest of the invasion together. On the last day, Emperor Siel Sule arrived and his troops were eager to end the siege.  With the Emperor commanding his forces, the siege ended quickly, as he was a tactician. He baited out the armies of the West Valley by pulling his troops into caves. He then sent his heavy cavalry to roll through the army and capture the gates. Then, the Knights of Twilight charged into the city destroying everything insight. The whole castle was in ruins except for the throne room. The king, his bodyguards, his sons, and his court took everything they could to bar the doors shut. But when the Tralls set fire to the door, the inhabitants were forced to retreat away from it. The king sent his sons and court through a trap door behind his throne while he stood with his bodyguards to face the onslaught waiting on the other side of the burning door.

While the King and his bodyguard fought the soldiers incased in black armor, the court and the sons moved as quickly as they could. They were captured and kept in the highest security prison in the land. The youngest son escaped and ran to the large village near by. He hid there and was never recaptured. He had a family and they stayed in the village. His great, great grandson traveled back to their old home with his family and started to rebuild.

The final battle was known as The Seven Tower Stand for the seven towers that were spread throughout the walls. The castle itself was made of white stone that shone brightly in the light, the walls made of a black stone, hard enough to withstand most siege weapons attacks. The six towers throughout the walls offered the best defensive position possible because anything thrown from them would be deadly because of their height alone. The highest tower was the Watchtower, the center of Voristan, was where all of the kings were born and died, except for the final king of the Kingdom.

The shadow was also born there for he was the great grandson of the great grandson. The last of the kings was now an outcast, of his own home. The village was wary in his presence, the children feared him, and he was not allowed in most of the shops.  

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