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It all changed the day we had guests from Huewhaohr on Centurinea, a planet around the Alpha Centauri system. A very elegant and tall species from a planet called Centaurinea came to hold a conference in our hotel. I knew that rich tourists took the ACTOR ship to the system to experience this very pretty world with its blue coloured people and oceans of deep thought.

Submitted: July 01, 2013

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Submitted: July 01, 2013



INTERSTELLAR AFFECTION The view of planet Earth rising over Lake Aldrin always impressed me. I had been hired as the star chef of Hyperspace Home Resort Newton for three years now and they had done everything to provide the best of an easy life for me. Nevertheless, my life was about to change. I was about to receive a contender of my sense of domicile. I lived in a big house with a Holo Vision Chamber™, a chair whose armrests catapulted and transmitted a light that transformed your room into the film you were seeing. I was actually moving around in the arena when Charlton Heston raced his rival. I lived alone in my house by Lake Aldrin and my love for stimulation was renowned. There were black haired goddesses from Numia beyond Andromeda and there were human blondes with seductive genius, there were purple headed twins from the colonies of Titan and hybrids from the ocean. I spent six days a week in a 28th century hotel that accommodated its’ various lodgings to the living environments of the guests origins. My job was to design the replicated meals that rotated on a weekly basis. I was assigned to cook the fresh food for a number of species who, for religious or traditional reasons, refused to take part in a replicated banquet. The clan named the Fhrmixyi, often chose a rustic environment as a bedroom and ate snails for breakfast. The intellectual tribe Jwijkegy Nenheueh spent most of their time in meditation. The merchants Zuehszheoeb from close to Proxima Centauri were odd creatures that spent most of their time trying to fool somebody out of something worth something. We had about three hundred species coming to our custom made world. There were spider worlds, bubble tissue as beds, eight legged shoe polishers, four-holed toiletries and miniature vans filled with crayfish as cosmetics. I had bought my house for 200 000 federal units. My Space Wagon took me early every morning past the terra forming cubes onto Plaza Einstein where I worked. The building was huge and its’ two hundred stories housed twenty thousand rooms, each one equipped with a virtual butler and a hostess that could perform three thousand functions. It all changed the day we had guests from Huewhaohr on Centurinea, a planet around the Alpha Centauri system. A very elegant and tall species from a planet called Centaurinea came to hold a conference in our hotel. I knew that rich tourists took the ACTOR ship to the system to experience this very pretty world with its blue coloured people and oceans of deep thought. The men were well built and had bright, long faces and the women had shiny black hair mostly down to their knees arranged in spectacular ways to attract their men. Equality was the name of the game and this fascinated me. ACTOR stood for Alpha Centauri Travelling and Organizational Rocket and this ship travelled a week long toward the system by way of the famous ocular fusion technique that made it possible to travel to before unknown speeds. The individuals that came to our Home Resort wanted personal service. Diplomats and politicians, they would talk until the interstellar morn about new breakthroughs in their squeak and click tongue. One lady really fascinated me. She was a stunning girl with lively eyes named Princess Wih–Meh–Wih and we soon began flirting heavily with each other. Soon enough, she joined me in the house for a late drink. What began as a seductive chat by the lake ended as a frenetic dance. I was in awe. She sang. Her father, the sovereign, gave me a silver plaque gold studded with rubies in a white frame saying: To Quigley Oacum, the best chef in the galaxy, with the best of thanks for brilliant service. When she left, she pleaded for me to come to her world. When my vacation finally came a good six months later I wondered if my girl would remember me. I’d told the manager that I would be gone six weeks, leaving me four weeks in Huewhaohr and two weeks on the luxury ship with four decks of pleasure. There was a theatre with real actors on board and that was fascinating. I saw them perform a play from the 20th century. Tennessee Williams’ Cat on a Hot Tin Roof was being performed by a troop of actors that found themselves being hailed as the new Hollywood legends. Anyway, I arrived in the capital of Lhdzgelij in the country of Huewhaohr and soon began to ask for the Princess Wih-Meh-Wih. I was soon told where the castle was and realized that I could take the virtual train to the palace. It was an over ground system of a Ray Transfer in small light bubbles and it took me past buildings that hovered in the air above large harbors and multiple pyramids The royal palace revealed white and gold balls on its’ pinnacles with red windows. Then there were fifty pyramids that all connected. At the other end there was a huge crane-looking thing that housed some sort holographic belt of bubbles from which diverse lights were emanating. It was a spectacular sight against the canvas of this strange dusk of purple and orange lights from their suns. It was very strange to see, but apparently the sky produced some sort of Aurora Borealis with weird wavy belts of dancing luminosity. A blue and green holographic guard with four tusks, a brown uniform and a gigantic sword hanging from his belt appeared and soon asked me what I wanted. I told him that I was a personal friend of the Princess and wanted to see her. I had come a long way to see the princess, I told him. He looked at me as if I had just stolen his rapier. The gate onto the garden before the palace was huge and the flowers seemed to be communicating with each other. They were waving their leaves and swaying to and fro. The flowers looked like a mixture between meat eating plants and roses. He watched me gaze at these flowers and slanted his four eyes and gave me a big smile looking through the pink rubber gate with an evil grin. “Ijwoujw gesjsjhw, jejkeoisy ehehshsuzzh mmrer,” he mused in his very husky bass baritone. He had told me not to go to close to those flowers. They ate strangers. He nodded a few times and then said that he would ask the princess if she knew me. What was my name? “Mwsojeoueksk, jej!” He had told me to shut up and called me a dummy. He picked up a small machine that was the size of a toenail. Out of it he pulled a long antenna. He spoke into the top of the antenna and waited for an answer. Soon enough, I heard something that very much resembled Wih-Meh-Wih’s voice and she laughed when hearing that I had come. After a few seconds she appeared in a holographic projection. She took one look at me and told the guard to ray me up. He swung his head three times back and forth, which obviously was his version of bowing. Soon enough, a very strong and green light appeared out of the antenna surrounded me until I was in the light. I was in a throne room with a round black and yellow roof. There were squares in the roof here that had little pink balls as decorations. Each one was rotating. Additionally, the room was huge and had a chequered floor with red draperies around what probably were arches. Wih-Meh-Wih, who was at least a head taller than I, sat on an orange-purple throne with a black frame that rested on a shiny, black platform with steps leading up to it from the chequered floor. After taking a short look at me, she embraced me with such vigour that I had to laugh. She spoke English in her wonderfully odd accent. “I hhave mmisssed youu soh,” she sang in high tones. “Whyy hhhave you waited so longgg?” She then said her father the king was very mad at her for considering leaving the planet. She paced the room while telling me that her father had fifty children with five concubines. Only one of them was allowed to leave the planet every year. Wih-Meh-Wih wasn’t up for the throne or anything, she was just a princess, but the king was angry that she was considering going away so far. He had said that he liked me, because I was a nice human and cooked good food and that he even liked my name. Should I ever appear on their planet, which meant I loved her, I should have to withstand the thirty tests. If I survived them, I could have Wih-Meh-Wih and take her where ever I wanted. If not, it was off to the Khunga. I began envisioning my vacation turning into a holiday from hell. She smiled. I stopped her mid way through the doorway of one of the arches and asked her what kind of examinations these were. She told me that any stranger who wanted to engage in a prolonged sexual activity with anyone in the planet’s royal family had to go through 30 tests, which in essence comprised life on the planet. There were tests like learning the language, cooking a meal of the region and operating a Shtuunk. “A what?” She giggled again and told me it was the machine that I had seen the guard operate in order to contact the princess. I remembered the machine with the antenna and realized that this was a Shtuunk. My saunter through this very elegant palace was surreal. Long corridors with lit floors gave way to rooms in weird formations. We were standing facing holographic projections of what were obviously ancestors. They were all blue and huge with four eyes, but extraordinarily handsome. As we spoke they leaned over and shook their heads, nodded to one another and chatted. She explained to me that these were the planet’s past one thousand rulers. They had been visiting Earth for a long time now and looked at the primitive way we looked upon rulers. It was not until the end of the 21st century that they made a move to make real contact with us. That is when they saw a surge in morals. “Look, dear,” I said. “I love you, but is there no other way to get you to be mine?” She shook her head, giving me an intense kiss that nearly blew my shoes off. Her two tongues grabbed my organ of the idioms. This made me whimper. I did not know what to expect, but I knew that I wanted to be with this woman forever. Her lifespan being longer than mine, she would also remain fit until my old age and bear me children who possibly also were fitter than me. We entered the royal hall and this extent, it was more than a room, was the biggest I had ever seen. St. Paul’s Cathedral in London, that had been standing for a thousand years now or more, was about half the size of this thing. The walls were in constant motion depending on if we were moving or not. The walls were blue, the floor was red and yellow and the ceiling was green. It was a dizzying sight. I felt like I was in an amusement park in one of those crazy houses. We stopped moving and so did the walls. That was when I saw the king sitting on a completely white throne at the hall’s end. The portion of the floor we were standing on lifted and moved. At once, it really did look like we were in a tunnel. We halted a few feet before the large throne. Three big steps led up to the throne that looked not unlike the throne of Abraham Lincoln near Arlington cemetery on the west end of the National Mall of Washington. The king sat there in his brown uniform blinking with his four eyes, his height of eight feet looming over me like a tree would. He stood up and laughed, spoke with rolling r’s and exploding b’s. “Quigley, my bhoy,” he chanted. “How arrrre you?” So, this was my father-in-law? He lifted me up and hugged me, told me how he’d been disturbed by the fact that his daughter had wanted to leave him to marry a human, but he realized that his daughter was now a young woman and if I was strong enough to go through the tests there was no stopping us. Furthermore, he could have the best meals in the galaxy whenever he came to visit us. I had already booked a room at the Lkueuzgsos Oiisiisw, which was the Bubble Palace Hotel, the first class resort in town. It was a sort of resort for rich tourists. The king shook his head and said that of course I should stay here in the palace. I could stay with the princess, of course, but I did have to think of saving my strength for the tests. He asked me how long I was willing to stay. I told him that I had planned to stay for four weeks and now that I was saving money. I had some units to spare. He told me that I had to plan two weeks minimum for the tests. During the daytime I was trained physically, intellectually, spiritually, militarily, gastronomically, tactically, acrobatically, confrontationally and romantically. In the evening, my mistress cooked me the most delicious food. Zemiars Vegetable Spice Soup with Hsjwi cream, Steak of Piwueis with Hwztfajdfoid Sauce on Taqtuqtiqit foundation and as a dessert something as common as ice cream from the moon. She and I went on real trips around the solar system in the mornings before sunrise. The first test took place in the royal hall. I had to solve riddles. They were impossible to solve, some of them, because most of them did not have a logical answer. That hour gave me a head ache. The food test was a piece of cake. The physical fitness worked well. My lady came served me my lunch with her clothes off, which was quite a sight. Her six buxom blue bosoms were rather daintily decorated with ribbons. The entire afternoon had me working in the holographic chamber trying to get out of a gigantic labyrinth. I woke up next morning, because there was something bouncing and thumping next to me. Wih-Meh-Wih was jumping ferociously at the side of my bed. I suddenly felt a sensation of wanting to leave this planet and never come back. She stopped jumping and smiled. “I’ll mmmakke yyyouu brrrrreakffffast,” she chirped. Completely baffled by this strange way of saying good morning, I sat up and got up into their version of a kitchen. I watched her standing on a platform with all these strange machines virtually coming to her instead of her coming to them. I spoke to her softly about her maybe not being the right girl for me. She said that she understood that I felt this way. She asked me to go through with the tests and then decide. I felt like I was in a Jim Carrey movie, with Sponge Bob as a guest star. The next day I was to grasp Centurinean history, which was like analysing the hundred year’s war while juggling potatoes and singing Someone’s in the Kitchen with Dinah. I was to learn one of their instruments. It was an Ooms, a sort of a six feet long flute with one hundred holes. By the end of the day I had a total of ten successful tests behind me and I actually didn’t want to see Wih-Meh-Wih ever again. She had expected that, but she kept on serving me now with greater care. She was never in the nude and she certainly didn’t come to close to me. It seemed to me that this entire hype of intense sex was exaggerated. What I needed now was control. I went to Wih-Meh-Wih and asked her if we could have some nice cuddling instead. To my great pleasure, she was happy and so we spent a very nice a quiet evening drinking a bottle of Centurinean wine made of a special grape like fruit called Thruibk. It reminded me of blackberries. We watched the stars shine over the Centurinean night and spoke her conception of God, which was full of meaning. I also told her that the tests were not at all what I had expected. She answered that I would find that, a lot of times, categorization was unnecessary. I felt I had redefined my relationship with Wih-Meh-Wih that evening. I wandered the fields of the holographic landscapes of Galinea beyond the suns of Proxima. The green fields of Ireland were followed by the rings of Saturn, the nebulas of Andromeda and Neptune’s thirteen moons then rose above the horizons. We took a walk on Jupiter, which was possible in a hologram. The storms were huge. We felt them whisk and bend around us, but didn’t get affected by them. Then we walked on Pluto and I have never seen such a lonely place. At the end of the day, over a bottle of Thruibk and Hsjwi cream on the Taqtuqtiqit root, she asked me what I had learned. I said that creation was beautiful. I came to the conclusion that all things should be handled with care. Nothing should be taken for granted. I had passed the twelfth test. The thirteenth test was a bit of challenge: acting. I had to read a play by a Centurinean author named Mij-Kleh Grrumsp IV. The story was about a young female from Centurinea that arrived on Earth and fell in love with a human man. He told her that she had to pass several hard trials before she could be his wife. She refused and left. After leaving, he reconsidered and went to Centurinea in order to agree to sacrifice something for her. Seeing how selfless he was, she then agreed to sacrifice something for him. In the end, she told him she was a changeling and could teach him about the magic of the universe. After reading the English translation of their version of Shakespeare, I had to explain the moral of the story. The ordeal continued and Wih-Meh-Wih and I were to rehearse the parts with holographic actors as collaborators. The rehearsals went reasonably well, only the director was an unmerciful tyrant that kept on calling me the worst actor in the galaxy. On the sixth day we had a dress rehearsal before a crowd of belching, eating, holographic inhabitants. The performance was quite depressing and I asked myself how long this examination would last. The premiere on the seventh day of the test was good and I must say that I passed the test. I had become a better actor than I thought. The audience was much nicer, so maybe that was the reason why I was a better actor on that day. I was proud of myself. Test number fourteen was learning to fly a Centurinean rocket. At this I was miserable. However, I kept on wondering how long I had been on this planet. Time seemed to pass differently here. Had I been here a month or year? I did not know. These ships were highly advanced, but very sensitive. After three days, I was ready and could pilot the thing in a race on one of the moons. It was the most famous races in the system and there were three hundred contestants. I flew over canyons and mountains, lakes and cities. I was thrown off course by evil individuals and helped by good ones. In the end I came in last, but I made alive and that was main thing. Wih-Meh-Wih hailed me as if I had been the winner. The next six tests were a collection of trials that tested me in every mentioned way possible. I had to perform several examinations at the same time that comprised a life on the planet. I had to know how to operate a Shtuunk and I was tested in an incredibly tough manner in order to be able to fight. I was taught to jump, sway, sword fight, kill, hurt, disable and save. Once test number twenty was finished, I was told that the final tests were coming up. I was about to enter hell and battle the most ferocious beasts of the galaxy. The first beast was a shark from Earth. It took ten weapons and three hours to kill the beast, but in the end I did manage it. The second was a tiger from a planet beyond Andromeda. He pushed me into a hole and chased me down a tunnel and up a hill before he jumped on me and tried to rip my legs off. I was now vigorous enough to fight the most ferocious beast yet: a Hetsuwhra. This twelve feet tall and twenty feet wide monster had three heads and sixty eyes that were blinking constantly. Its’ ten arms were waving about all the time. He screamed in different pitches at once. It was like a weird concert with this strange monster screaming in three tones at once. I had a very advanced assortment of weapons and armour. I finally killed the beast by luring it to eat itself. It actually bit into its’ own head as I watched it bleed to death. I was completely drenched with the monster’s green blood as I dashed out of the holographic chamber. I jumped into a holographic sea after that and stayed there for the rest of the day. I encountered werewolves, vampires, poltergeist, ghosts, mummies, ectoplasm, fairies, furies, witches, warlocks, elves, time travellers, apparitions. I fought the galaxy’s largest, space-ship-devouring monster: a Khunga. I exuded an antimatter substance and let the monster vomit me out. I was chased by thousands of termites down a labyrinth and was sent to fight a sea beast. At this point, the king called me to his throne and accused me of cheating. I screamed at him that I was worth some bloody respect. He told me I had passed the next test by defending myself. I had accomplished something. I should’ve left Centurinea at that moment and forgot the whole thing. Instead, I was blissful. This was a female being from another world, one a head taller than me that loved me and who had such marvellous gifts as love. The last remaining days of my vacation was the most amazing of my life. I was shown the galaxy, entertained by the most amazing entertainers, heard music I never dreamt possible, saw performances that brought me joy and ate delicious food. The amazing thing was that my now official girlfriend and I did not once engage in a mingling of lust. Instead, we exchanged telepathic morphing. We danced in a spiritual light that had us waltzing toward paradise. It was remarkable. We spent every evening dwelling in each other’s minds. At the very last day of my stay at the palace, Wih-Meh-Wih told me that she was a changeling and could change form whenever she consciously wanted. She could even take the form of a human, but only the form that had been chosen for her. In her human form she was brown eyed and brown haired with a sweet complexion and normal human physicality. We had chosen the lake by my lunar house at the other end of the galaxy as a location for the wedding. Funnily enough, in a matter of a day’s notice my parents arrived to witness it and were happy to see their son get married. During the ceremony, I saw Wih-Meh-Wih turn into a buxom, human beauty. We elevated off the ground and mingled. Our bodies turned into blue light and we hovered above the lake in a spectacular dance of fortitude. There was no fear and no anguish. The night was young. Here, she told me I was her wife forever. I was one with the entire creation and she told me that I could become a changeling, too, with her help. I now had actually felt what my wife’s soul looked like and it was beautiful. Hearing and seeing her and guessing what she meant was different than actually feeling her. My parents and her parents became really good friends and once they left in the same space ship to visit Earth and then go to Centurinea we realized we had created bliss. We never have sex anymore. We just turn into blue smoke. Our five children are changelings, too. And, boy, can they cook.

© Copyright 2018 Charles EJ Moulton. All rights reserved.

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