Could you tell me what you think of this, please?

Reads: 456  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 6

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

Could you just tell me any feedback you have about this piece of writing? Any criticism would be a great help.

I can feel the fresh blood trickling down my face coming from my cheek just underneath my eye. I can't wipe it though, not with my hands securely tied with ropes to the chair arms. My feet the same. I guess it will just have to continue to drip down on my shirt. Hopefully, it will help get the dried blood off but it is highly unlikely. I'm wearing blue jeans, black running shoes and a what-use-to-be white polo shirt but there are patches of blood on all over me. I think there's some blood in my short brown hair because of the wound that bled a lot. The room is dark, only one ray of light from underneath the big metal door. I am hoping so much that it doesn't open, the last time I did, I was nearly blinded because I had been in this dark room for three days then. It's been five since that door has been open again. Well, there is another door behind me, I think. A man appears every couple of hours to give me a drink of water then vanishes again. I could do with that drink now actually.
"Distracted, Bradley?" A male voice came from behind me followed by a banging of a door. "I've been watching you."
"Expect me to talk to myself for hours on end?" I replied quietly. It hurt, my lip, there was a long cut on it, just like the ones on the rest of my face. Along with bruises too. "Well, tough."
"Don't be so rude, Bradley." The man stomped his way in front of me. He had short blonde hair with a bald patch on top. He wore a grey suit but he looked uncomfortable in what he was wearing. There was a knocked over chair in the corner of the room so the man picked it up and dragged it over to me. "Imagine what will happen." He sat on it, crossed his legs and watched me for a while. I waited to repsond to what he said.
"Is there really much else for you to do, now?" I growled. I put my head down, I seriously though that I was going to fall asleep. I wish... I haven't had a good night sleep in about two weeks.
"Mate, the boss hasn't even started yet." The man chuckled. I've never seen this man before, maybe the one that used to talk to me was proven unloyal so was killed off. After you have been tied up for weeks, all you can do is either talk to yourself or think. Think about your family, your life, the reason why you're a hostage... Maybe even how you will die. All of this rushed through my head on the second day. Not much else to do really. Although I so sometimes think about the guy in the coffee shop who served me my coffee an newspaper every single morning. Oh, how I long to do the daily crossword! Somewhere in California, there is a person who has bought the newspaper that I would have bought and is doing what I should be doing. Should and want. "Oi, Bradley!" He got my attention again.
"VJ." I murmured. My name is really Vincent but I don't like it. "My name is VJ. Bradley is my cousin." I looked up, the man was staring at me.
"And my name is Oscar. You kind of zoned out there, are you feeling alright?" He uncrossed his legs and leant forward. "There's someone in the next room that wants to talk to you." He didn't even give me time to answer.
"Bring them in then," I yawned, "I'm not stopping you." Oscar shook his head. He stood up and tiptoe over to me. I watched him pull out a knife from his back pocket and lower it down to my wrists. He tucked it underneath the rope then cut them. He did it to my other wrist then my feet. I didn't move, not an inch, I guess a part of me was scared. Oscar placed his hand underneath my armpit and helped me up. This is the first time I have even stood up in days. My legs are numb, I stand steady. With help, of course.

I'm trying to look around the room but the light is blinding me. There are two light bulbs connected to the ceiling, both turned on. I squint, trying to see who was asking for me. Oscar is still keeping me up, he's breathing loudly in my ear like he is out of breath. One of the lights was turned off, that helped me see a little better.
"Hello, son." A man with dark brown hair and a scruffy suit greeted me. After my eyes adjusted to the glow of the bulbs, I realised something... I knew him. It was my father. I haven't seen him in, well, twenty-one years and I'm twenty-six. "Surprised to see me?"
"The last time I saw you, you shot my mom!" I shouted, pushing Oscar away from me.
"Ah, yes. There's a bit more to that..." He stopped, he looked me up and down then smiled. "You've grown up so much!" He cheered.
"Five! I was five!" I continued to shout. "You left me to look after Brandon after you shot and ran." My father waved his hand up and down, signalling for me to calm down but I didn't want to. I wanted to punch him - or worse - for ruining my life. Was it him that organised me to be beaten up and taken? He has a messed up mind.
"VJ, I need your help." Father started. "Brandon... He is not your cousin, he is a man that has tried to kill you umpteen times and I have prevented that from happening."
"So, what, you kidnap me, keep me locked up for two weeks then beg for my help?" I questioned him, I did lower voice but talking to him after two decades seems strange. "Don't waste your time."
"Who said I was begging?" Father confidently said. "Come on, some adventure. You always liked that as a kid."
"First of all, it seems like you're begging. Second of all, when I was a child, I also wanted to be a alien pirate." I waited for a bit. "Can't I just drink pink champagne and watch a childish cartoon while you get your goons to do the job?" Surely nothing could be that important that suddenly I am of interest to the man who used to be the most important man in my life. I looked to the left, two men wearing all black were standing, they were the 'goons' I was talking about. I shrugged, do I care?
"One, no. Two, you look like an alien. Three, there is no one else I want to do this job... It's about your brother, Tyler. He's in danger." Father took a couple of steps forward, I stayed still like I wasn't intimidated even though I was. "I have a boss, I was ordered to bring you in, it was only three days ago that I found out about Tyler. The Boss wants you to save him."
"Oh, yeah, 'course. I can hardly even stand and you want me to go and fight and save my lil' bro." I felt so strange standing up to him like that. I may have only known him for five years but he sure did scare me time to time. I thought back to Tyler and I playing in the garden of all of our foster homes. I have to admit, he is the only person I care about in this world. "A'ight, I'll do it." I nodded. Father offered out his hand but I ignored it and turned around.

"I'm Blake Keaton. You VJ, right?" I was sitting in a room by myself, thankfully with no ropes, until that Blake came in and interrupted the song lyrics I was rerunning in my head. I looked up at him and nodded in small gestures. "Hey, how are you?" He loudly yelled.
"Deaf, apparently." I whispered. I watched him look me up and down, and then again. He sat down on the chair opposite me and did it again. I knew what he was looking at, all my cuts and bruises and my bloody clothes. "I walked into a lamppost." I blurted out before he asks what happened to me because I can't give a plausible answer. Still, even now, I do not know what happened.
"How many times?" Blake joked. I looked away, do I really have to spend time with this moron?! Just by that comment, I knew that this man would be making jokes all the time. The whole damn time. He wore baggy tracksuit bottoms and a a vest that was way too big for him. He was only small, but very muscley. The door opened again, our attention was taken by the gorgeous, young, vibrant woman that peered her head around the door.
"This the place?" Kelly Martin inquired, actually coming into the room and quietly shutting the door behind her. "I was told to come in here to rescue my father." I think she is the most beautiful woman I have seen in donkeys, and that isn't because I haven't seen any female in a week or so. She wore tight, black jeans and a light blue top with a grey and white jacket over the top. Her hair looked so soft and clean, it was brown and long.
"Your father." Blake stood up quickly. "I'm saving my wife, who are you going for then, VJ?" Kelly and I both took a look at Blake then at eachother.
"My little brother." I muttered. What were we doing here? This was obviously part of some great big scheme. "I take it you guys were given weapons?" Kelly and Blake nodded. Kelly brought out a knife out from her jacket and showed it to us. Blake brought out a shiny, bright black pistol from a holster at the back of his tracksuit bottoms. I looked down.
"What'dya get?" Blake put his gun away and waited for an answer. I did have something... Something embarrassing. So, I took out a small object from my pocket and lifted it up to show them. "A paperclip?! Are you joking?" I shook my head, I really did have a paperclip.

Sitting in a black car with Kelly and Blake, I typed an address into Blake's cell phone then handed it back to him. I was sitting in the back, Kelly was driving and Blake was in the passenger's seat. He took a peek at where I set the destination. "Really? A shop? Why do you want to do to a clothes shop?" His voice went high pitched, kind of.
"You honestly don't expect me to walk around for how ever long in dirty clothes, do you?" I snarled. I needed clothes. I want clothes. Clean clothes. "It would make it less suspicious if I was not dressed like a homeless person."
"Yeah, when was the last time you had a shower?" Kelly seriously snorted, she looked at me through the rear-view mirror. I have to admit, I did stink but can you blame me? Some of the small was washed off when I rolled around in a puddle. OK, it wasn't a puddle but it sure felt like it. Kelly followed the directions that I set carefully, taking every corner, no shortcuts, not overtaking anyone else on the road. She was even going the right speed, who does that? I think I'm in love - maybe that's just a bit dramatic.
We arrived at the clothes shop and we departed from the vehicle. The whole shop was glass with posters and pictures stuck it. I prefer the second-hand shops where stuff is much cheaper. It's not that I can't afford proper clothes but they are much more cheaper. What is the point in spending a grand for a suit or something for it to just get dirty? We all hopped our way into the shop in a line, me in the middle. I can safely say that the majority of the people shopping gave me dirty looks. It's like they've never seen a beaten up man before. I headed over to a small wardrobe in the corner. Clothes in horrible colors and patterns.
"Can I help you, sir?" One of the shopkeepers quizzed me from behind. As I was spinning around, he said, "see anything you like?" The look on his face when I stood exactly opposite him. He kind of waved his hand up in the air to his boss and carried on gawping. "Sir, please leave the premises without trouble."
"Why?! I just want clean clothes!" I argued. Kelly and Blake standing by the doorway, watching me. I pulled out some jeans and a red shirt from on of the counters to the right of me. Red is my least favorite color but I must get out of the shop before they call the police. "See clothes." Ignoring the fat man in front of me, I started for the till and was ready to buy.
"Don't move!" I felt something cold get pressed against my skull, then I heard a cocking from behind me.
"God, I hate that!" I complained. Who the hell is holding a gun up to my head? I know it isn't Blake, he and Kelly are both in the corner, surrounded by three men. I put two and two together and thought this had something to do with the three people we love the most getting kidnapped. The paperclip was still in my front pocket, I have to find a way to use it. To protect me and the other two. I slipped my hand into my pocket and started to twist it around until it straightened out. I turned around and faced the bully.
"I told you don't move." The guy boomed. I grabbed his hand that was holding the gun and twisted it around, with the other hand, I pulled the paperclip out of my pocket and stuck it into his neck. He fell to the floor. His followers gazed at the commotion. That's when Kelly and Blake both attacked them. All four were dead and we all ran out of the building, taking the clothes with me. They're still needed, you know.


Submitted: November 30, 2014

© Copyright 2021 Chelsea3920. All rights reserved.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Add Your Comments:

Comments

ktsharma

This is good....expressivr!!

Have a look on my story :: A T!me to love

Thankyou.

Sun, November 30th, 2014 11:37am

mundungus

Good..keep reading and writing :)

Sun, January 4th, 2015 6:24pm

itsawriterthing

I'd say you've got talent but what's confusing is the point? There's no build up clues to hint your readers. Also, it's not too realistic that they, using one gun, a paper clip and a knife, defeated three possibly armed guys.

Wed, January 7th, 2015 5:10pm

Chelsea3920

itsawriterthing -- It's not finished yet, I am still working on it. Also the whole weapon thing is because they were aall trained by the people they have to save... Basically the person that kidnapped their loved ones want them to fail to prove a point to VJ's father.

Wed, January 7th, 2015 9:25pm

Wisdom52

Your writing was interesting and I enjoyed reading it.

Tue, July 7th, 2015 9:35pm

Facebook Comments

Other Content by Chelsea3920

Book / Young Adult

Short Story / Horror

Book / Historical Fiction