Life : Heartbreak, suffering && dealing.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
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Submitted: December 05, 2015

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Submitted: August 09, 2015

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Have you ever felt so alone? Like no matter what you do, you can't escape that darkness, that fear of never being happy?

 

That dark hole that consumes you and you find yourself crying all the time.

It doesn't go away. It stays forever, you can find away to push it to the back of your head

But eventually it comes back, that depression.

Growing up, I wasn't happy. Everything seemed so pointless.

I wanted to give up, I wanted life to end. 

I started cutting, and it was the best escape.

Everytime I slid that razor across my skin, I felt happier.

Sure they leave scars, but I didn't care. Still don't.

I started obsessing with my weight - I felt fat && ugly.

I started throwing up every morsel of food that I ate,

It got bad, really bad. I started hiding it, not using the bathroom to do it.

Some days I would go outside, other days I would use a bucket or a container I had hidden in my room.

My life was all about eating, well in my case not eating, and puking.

I became overly obsessed. Trying to become this perfect girl.

Skinny, smart and beautiful.

The depression got worse, the cutting became worse.

I didn't care about the damages that I was doing to my body,

Didn't care about the scars I left.

When I tried to take my own life I felt so lost, so alone. Abandoned, stupid,

I felt like the world would be better off without me,

I felt like I couldn't go on,

My life was so full of darkness, I felt this empty pit inside of me.

It was eating me up inside, and I was crying a lot through out the day.

Cutting at school, cutting at work and at home.

Taking pills and drinking.

I just wanted my life to end.

I want you to know that the darkness lightensand the depression dies down,

You have to find something to inspire you, find something you love more than anything.

I fell in love, and he makes me happy. Yeah I still have those dark days, and I sometimes want to cry.

I have recently began working on my recovery with the bulimia.

It has been one of the hardest journeys I have ever had to go through.

You have to accept it, Learn to love yourself, find hobbies to fill your time,

Find something to keep your mind off of food.

You have to stay away from the scale, have to do anything and everything possible

To become healthy.

I have accepted it, admitted it, now I'm working on not always thinking about it.

Yeah sometimes I fail, but I'm doing this on my own, I don't throw up everything I eat anymore.

I was doing so good, and then I just stopped caring && then I realized I don't want to end up fat and I freaked out.

I began cutting again, not everything - just when things get way too hard && I feel like I'm going to break 

That little red line helps, that pain and the release it helped.

This message isn't to make you feel like it's okay to cut, or to self harm,

Or to have an eating disorder.

It's about finding a way to move through it.

To better yourself, to be healthy and save your body.

Cherish your life, cherish everyone in it.

Remember you only have one life,

You must not destroy what you have, your body is sacred.

Find something or someone to love.

I fell in love with music, it's what kept me alive.

Music can heal your wounds,

Can help you move forward.

Try to find something to hold on too.

If you feel like you can't take anymore && you want to take your own life I want you to remember this;

You are a beautiful human being, you are loved by many.

That voice in your head that tells you your not good enough is wrong.

You are perfect the way you are. Your flaws are what make you amazing.

 You are much more than just another person in such a small world.

You are someone's world, maybe not right now but there is someone out there who will love you forever.

You must believe in yourself the way I believe in you. I don't care if I don't know you. I believe in you.

I believe you can do whatever you choose, whatever your heart desires. 

*Place your hand over you heart, you have purpose*

Remember that. God has a plan for everyone. He will only give you as much as you can take

And never anything more.

Yes I believe in God, I believe that he loves me, loves everyone,

If you have done a lot of wrong in your life

Forgive yourself, don't beat yourself up over it.

I want you to see the beauty that everyone else sees.

Whoever reads this is beautiful inside && out.

Live your life to the fullest && know that if you feel that suicide is your only escape

Call a friend, or the hotline. You are worth more than death. 


© Copyright 2020 ChelseyJean08. All rights reserved.

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