Panic and Anxiety

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
I am submitting my story about my panic and anxiety disorders in hope that it might help someone out.

Submitted: April 04, 2012

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Submitted: April 04, 2012

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My Panic and Anxiety

My day to day life is pretty much routine at this point. Most people would think waking up that next morning would be a blessing (which is should be), but for some it is another day of mental anguish. People, such as me, who have been diagnosed with panic disorder, know that today and tomorrow will not be a “walk in the park”. It is the only thing in my life that I can actually predict with 100% accuracy. Although some people doubt how severe it is, only we know how bad it is and maybe this will open someone’s eyes. I know I have not exactly wrote about what I will be writing specifically about but that is only because I have not figured it out yet.

How about my personal experience? I am a 30 year old Hispanic male, who at this point in my life is far from where I should be successfully. I wake up every morning either nervous, or irritated. My heart is racing from the start! Then, after I somewhat calm down I get up and make some breakfast for myself. After my usual potato and egg breakfast I take my first prescribed bill, Klonopin. I do not feel the effect of the pill anymore. I have been taking 1mg a day for the last two and half years. I take half in the morning and the other half at night. Klonopin has helped with spreading the panic attacks apart and making them less severe. So, after breakfast is when my day gets tricky. I do not work and am on disability for my disorders. What I mean by disorders that along with my panic disorder, I also have anxiety disorder, social phobia, and a slight mood imbalance. Not to be confused with bi-polar.

Back to my story, even though I have an entire day staring me at my face I usually turn my back to it and sit and hate myself because I cannot do anything. I can, but my mind tells me I can’t. Even as I sit here in this cool weather I sweat and feel chills throughout my body. Not the good kind. I am nervous all day, especially in the evening. I have a car that I love to drive but find it impossible to even drive it a few miles. Basically, I will either sit and stare at a blank screen, or lie down and watch a movie or TV. I will basically do nothing for hours but eat breakfast, smoke cigs, smoke medicinal marijuana, sleep, and feel nothing but “pressure” on me all day for no good reason. I remember when I got the prescription for the weed thinking, “this will top all the meds and help me.” Nope.

The feelings or symptoms I experience from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed is: Constant and persistent anxiety, nervousness, cold sweats, feeling of impending doom or fate, depression, racing thoughts, trembling, chills, as well as others that I will never quite be able to explain. At night, I take the remaining half of my Klonopin and will take it with my other prescription, 900mg’s of Lithium at night. I take this about 3 hours before I actually knock out, even though that cocktail is supposed to help me sleep. My panic is something that hangs around me all day and does not go away. I wish I could make it subside, at least for a day, but then again I would be expecting it to come so I would not be able to enjoy myself.

I am not a happy person, I was before, but now I feel like a waste of space. People have taken advantage of me and my inability to cope with normal everyday situations. I do not have a support system as no one believes that my disorder is as bad as it is. I even got denied SSI for the reason that they think that I can work. As much as I would love to believe that, I know it to be false. Appeal pending. As if I am here to take advantage of the system like it has taken advantage of me!

In a nutshell, my life sucks. I am a man of many trades but am helpless to this disorder. I am pretty much worthless in my eyes. I have thought of suicide but then I have my doubts if it will help so I never go through with it. I live life minute by minute, no, second by second sounds about right. Unless you want me to get into millisecond

I wish that this did not happen to me, but I see life as “everything happens for a reason”. Why and for what reason I have this disorder? The hell if I know. All I know is that I have it, and that I am stuck in this situation for a while it looks like. I have no insurance and pretty much owe the clinic I go to a few hundred dollars, even though I qualified for their lowest prices. Another thing to throw on top of the pile of shit I call my life.

What will be the outcome? Um, not really sure if there is going to be a satisfactory resolution to this as it is quite persistent. I have made videos of my final wishes, I have made documents spreading out what little I have. I have done a lot of meaningless crap all because my anxiety and panic have me feeling like I’m going to die. Every day feels like my last. I am tired of this and it shows. I am tired of the dizzy spells, I am tired of fainting, and I am tired of feeling worthless. I will fix this someday when my higher power decides to give me the strength to overcome it. In God I trust.

 


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