Diying Breaths

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Literary Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
I honestly don't feel like living anymore..No , I didn't try to commit suicide , but I di go through this really bad arm pinching problem in 6th Grade . I still have the scars to prove it . h , yes , I'm writing this because I feel useless right now. Explains in story.

Submitted: June 17, 2008

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Submitted: June 17, 2008

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I tried plunging the nife into my chest. I tried tiying my neck with a noose and jumping off my bed , but I couldn't . I tried to slice deep into the pulsing vein in my wrist . I even tried to swallow handfuls of narcoleptics . But each attempt sickened me , and I couldn't cause myself to enter that cruel slumber . The pulsing in my chest denies my existence . The pale reflection in every mirrorwhere I turn show nothing but a failure . A failure who is existing without a purpose . I wish she would stop breathing already ,  that she would somehow cease to move and pass over into Hell . Ha ! Her life was all the Hell she ever needed anyway ! With each suicide attempt , she began crying more and more , apoligizing to the failure in the mirror that she couldn't do it,  the tears adding up . Even if she died , no one would even care , no one would be there to hold her in their arms protectively begging me to come back to life , wishing to be able to hear my voice again .

No one would .

Which is why her nails grew longer and longer , and she pinched into her arm over and over until it bled , peeling the scabs and tasting the wasted blood . But the 13 scars on my arm are battle scars , battles I've had with myself . And I hated myself more and more each day for failing at all that I tried . Trying to perform simple tasks like restringing a guitar , but instead ends up snapping two more strings away . Trying to cook breakfast for herself and ending up eating burnt bacon the next hour . Just what am I living for anymore ? I've said over and over that I'll find the reason soon , but I don't see any hints , any clues of it's existance . Which is why I'm writing this stupid letter to anyone who cares to read it . I'm diying , with every day that I waste trying to improve myself, but it doesn't work out for me . I end up breaking something every day , keep being the butt of every single joke , my only true best friend being my teddy bear . It's been with me for so long...

And I've been burdening my family for too long , so I think I'll lock myself into this closet until this whole thing blows over . I won't be able to get out . I won't need to be fed . I'l starve to death once all the fat's been used up . And one day , they'll find my body , finally showing an expression of peace on the face .

But that won't happen , because I want to look forward . To be able to understand the beauty of this place we call home . To be able to want to sacrifice everything all in the name of love . Because I know I'm not going through this alone . There are thousands wanting to find a reason to live . To finally understand the most beautiful of quotes .

'You know you're in love when you don't want to sleep at night , because life is finally better than dreams .' - Dr. Seuss .

'Life is like the party we never wanted to be invited to , but while we're here , we might as well dance , right ?" - unknown

I want to be able to feel such emotions , a drive to survive in this stupid world . But once it's all over , I know it was worth all of the adventures I've had . I'll smile to myself when I'm older , that it was a life well spent , and that now , I can rest at peace for sure .I'll find it one of these days , my reason to live . Until then , my reason to live, though strange , is to find my reason to live . And if you don't agree with me , I'll respect that . I'll be able to get over it . But if life were a movie , I'd fast forward through all the hardships , and freeze frme when I'm laughing like an idiot for once in a long time , freeze frame forever once I understand everything and anything , and maybe even rewind every now and then to revisit this day , the day I understood my temporary reason to exist until I find the true reason .

....For now .


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