It's all about that 'candle light'

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Their faces inches apart, she breathed ‘don’t do it’
His eyes flew to hers and questioned her. She had a couple of tears fall down before she admitted ‘ I don’t want to kill myself knowing that the last thing I did was have someone beside me.’
He frowned and whispered ‘you wish to die completely alone?!”
Her eyes escaped his gaze but he managed to make her look at him and he said ‘I won’t let you’ and suddenly his lips crashed down hers.

Submitted: March 01, 2011

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Submitted: March 01, 2011

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‘Amid the gloom and travail of existence suddenly to behold a beautiful being; and as instantaneously to feel an overwhelming conviction, that with that fair form, our destinies must be entwined, this is love’
She was alone and lonely.
Her dad hated her because she failed her classes, her mother always judged her because she never dressed up to impress, her brother always teased her about being more of a guy than him. She was alone and lonely.
Staring at the rain falling against her window, she ignored the itching feeling that resulted due to her tears falling. She was all alone, in a distant world. She had nowhere to turn to, nothing to aim for and no one to talk to.
The skies seemed like they were the only things that actually read her like an open book. The weather was reflecting how she feels.
She was alone and lonely.
*
He was surrounded with countless friends, girls and attention.
But he was alone and lonely.
His girlfriend told him she loved him, but she only looked for sex and money. His dad left when he was six years old after taking what his mom owned. His mother was drowning herself in beer and sex to forget what she had to live through.
He was alone and lonely.
He was lying on the ground at the park, an unknown place he discovered a couple of months ago. Rain fell on his face; he moved his hair off his face as he silently allowed the rain to hide his frustrated tears.
Staring up at the sky, he hoped he would get through this.
But he knew all too well, he can’t live alone and lonely.
*
Dear dad, mom,
I love you.
I hope this word was something I said when I was actually alive. But well, I am sorry.
Dad, I am so sorry that I failed those tests. Mom, I am sorry that I never showed off my ‘girly features’ and please tell Jason that I am sorry I was so annoying that he hated me, I wish he loved me and didn’t hate me like he did, after all he was my only brother who should stand by me, not against me. And of course don’t forget to tell Mona that it was okay. She didn’t have to fake being my friend out of sympathy. I managed most of my life alone and she didn’t have to act like someone who accepted me. I knew better.
I am sorry I wasn’t the daughter you wished for, or the girl you imagined.
But also, you were the worst parents I thought of.
I failed my tests because I was depressed dad. Mom, I never showed off how I was supposed to look like because I was once abused by a complete stranger and if it wasn’t for that old man saving me, I would have been raped. And Jason, I am hated by you because I am ‘boring’, but it wasn’t that I was meaning to tease you, it was because I wished that for once you would bother and ask me how I was.
You’re my family, but you never loved me. I let go of hope.
Life isn’t worth it.
I am alone and lonely and no one wishes to live his life like that.
I’m sorry. Nina.
Folding the letter and wiping away her tears, Nina placed the paper on her desk. Taking a quick glance at the bed, she looked at the pair of scissors and the pills and can of beer. She had to do this.
Walking slowly towards her death wish, her window was knocked on. Her breath stopped in the mid of her throat and she walked towards it but she sighed when she saw it was her friend Mona and her boyfriend.
Opening the window silently and stealing a glance behind her, she whispered ‘what’
Mona smiled at her and ushered her to sneak out only mumbling ‘Come down here! Now!”
Nina sighed and contemplated whether to go or not.
*
Dear Mom,
I wish you would be sober enough to read this, or even bother to enter my room to realize what I will do.
I actually don’t know why I am writing this, I know you never loved me and I am sure you will not care about what I will do. You always made it a point to show me that I was a trouble in your life.
And I’m sorry about that.
Mom, I was popular but most my friends were jealous of me. I was loved but my girlfriend slept around and used me for sex and money. My dad never wanted me, us.
I am sorry that I failed to make you love me. I believe I just hoped you would realize that you should normally love me because you were my mother! I mean that was how it’s supposed to be!
I am sorry for everything, from my fights with you to my mere existence.
I lost all hope for a better life. I just… lost hope.
I am alone and lonely and a part of me actually wished you would realize and help me.
Your happy looking son who lots of people envied you for turned out to be weak after all.
Life just ain’t worth it.
I’m sorry. Ryan.
Setting the paper on his mother’s night stand with his eyes as cold as stone, he rubbed the paper slowly trying to rub on it all the love he always felt for his mom.
Walking back to his car outside of the house, he grabbed the beer and chugged it down, then another and another…
Suddenly a car light made him narrow his eyes and look at his best friend… or so he wishes is true, got out of the car and was going to head towards Ryan’s place when he realized that Ryan was in his car.
He knocked on the window, and Ryan opened the door, listening to his friend as he said ‘ come dude, we should go to this place. It’s going to be awesome.’
Ryan tried to escape; he wanted to keep drinking before driving with a speed that he wouldn’t be able to control in this rainy night.
But he decided to do something first.
*
‘Ocean’s that I almost drown in, I had to lose it all…’
‘I was on the edge of a distant world. A shattered life, no where left to turn,’
‘Till I saw you there and everything seemed to fall into place’
The song blasted into Nina’s ears. The party was of that guy she never heard about. Mona didn’t know him either, neither did her boyfriend.
She was here because a distant friend of Mona’s boyfriend accidentally invited them to come. It was weird thatit was almost planned by fate.
Looking around, she tried to find anything that would maybe change her mind about ending everything as soon as she goes home.
But nothing did.
A few stares from guys were not enough. A few fake smiles from everyone was not good enough either.
Nothing was good enough to live for.
Walking to the small bar in the living room, she counted the few numbers of people there, they didn’t pass the twenties.
It seemed like a ‘very hard to get into’ party.
She asked for anything too alcoholic and forced a smile that hurt her face as she looked aroundfor anything.
Mona was dancing with her boyfriend happily. Nina shook her head and turned to take her drink and nodded at the bar guy. He winked at her.
Not good enough.
She chugged the drink and winced at how bitter it was. But it seemed to break her consciousness apart, and she liked that. She asked for another one. The guy warned her to drink another one but she shrugged and ordered him to give her another one.
Suddenly a ragged sigh filled her ears and she looked beside her to see a guy , her age or a year older, rubbing his face with frustration.
A slight smile tugged on her lips and she tapped on his shoulder, he lifted his head to look at her. His brown eyes looked at her, but she knew that look too well.
She did it herself.
‘I’m Nina’ she whispered but he seemed to hear her even though the music was too loud. He watched her thoughtfully before holding out his hand and mouthing ‘I’m Ryan’
‘Life ain’t good enough, eh?’ she mumbled as she chugged her third drink. She noticed his face stare at her in shock as she said this and he sighed before saying ‘ yeah, apparently’
She offered him a drink and he nodded taking hers. The bar guy gave her another one and both chugged the drink simultaneously.
‘ I know. Life is just fucked up. Or I am fucked up’ she whispered fighting her tears from falling and hid the urge to cry with a chuckle. He eyed her and muttered ‘ it’s unfortunate. But I decided to do something about it’
She looked at him questioningly and he smiled slightly before whispering ‘ I just had enough of everything’
She played with her glass before she asked ‘ but you look like a popular guy, why would you want to do something?’
He chuckled as he realized she knew what he wanted to do. Her saying “do something’ for some reason made him feel better. She didn’t judge. She just asked.
‘ I am popular, but popularity ain’t what makes you truly happy.”
She nodded and clicked her tongue before saying ‘I hate my life too. And I planned to do something about it too. But don’t tell anyone!’
He nodded smiling and feeling a growing interest to talk to her.
He asked ‘when will you do it?”
‘as soon as I am back’ she answered. He stood up straight and looked at her with a surprised look before he said ‘me too’
She shrugged and said ‘too bad life is going to lose us.’
He chuckled and held out his hand and said ‘at least let’s dance before we do it’
She looked thoughtfully at the dance floor and back at him before taking a shaky breath and holding out her hand to take his.
Walking to the dance floor, the music flowed through their bodies and the effect of the music accompanied with the alcohol, they started moving in sync against each other.
‘do you think it’s wrong?’ he whispered and she shook her head saying ‘I hope not’
‘I’ll tell you a secret, I am alone and lonely that’s mainly why I am going to do it.’ She said looking into his eyes. He kept staring at her before breathing ‘ that’s exactly how I feel’
She shrugged and let her head fall against his chest. She wanted to cry. She was scared of what she was going to do later and she wanted to cry.
Suddenly she felt his arm wrapping itself tightly around her waist and he pulled her closer. She moved her arms around his neck and took in his smell.
They kept moving, their slow motion dancing didn’t fit the music but they were satisfied that way.
‘care to sit down?” Ryan asked after a while and she nodded.
Taking their past seats, he got out his phone and said ‘give me your number.’
She guarded him with cautiousness before saying ‘why? We won’t be able to call anyone for that matter as soon as we go home.’
He nodded and said ‘just give me your number.’
She took his phone with shaky hands and saved her number. He smiled slightly and put it in his pocket before saying
‘I wish I met you earlier’
His face, filled with fear and hopelessness just like her cracked something inside of her and she felt her tears falling on her face.
‘Me too’
He cupped her face slowly, not urgently like he did with all the girls he ever made out with.
Her eyes looked at him with such intensity that he forgot everything about him for a second, leaning down towards her face she breathed ‘don’t do it’
His eyes flew to hers and questioned her. She had a couple of tears fall down before she admitted ‘ I don’t want to kill myself knowing that the last thing I did was have someone beside me.’
He frowned and whispered ‘you wish to die completely alone?!”
Her eyes escaped his gaze but he managed to make her look at him and he said ‘I won’t let you’ and suddenly his lips crashed down hers.
Maybe it was the alcohol or just their scared selves, but it felt like… everything was falling into place.
For a second, they both rethought about doing what they were ought to do.
Her hands went to his neck and then grabbed his hair, that just urged him to wrap his arm around her and pull her towards him. Chest to chest, leg to leg and lip to lip.
Breaking apart, their breaths ragged, their eyes held each other’s questioning, confused gazes andsuddenly Ryan let her go and said ‘thank you’
She kept watching him as he walked out of the house. She took in a shaky ragged breath before she asked Mona to go home.
*
As she was now standing in front of her bed, she frowned when she realized that the letter she wrote was missing. Where was it? She didn’t know.
Quickly, she grabbed the pills and dropped them in her palm.
Thinking about that guy, Ryan, she closed her eyes as she imagined him doing the same thing.
She wasn’t alone.
Gulping down the pills and wincing as the bulk hurt her throat, she felt her tears falling down.
Life ain’t worth it no more.
Feeling hot and dizzy, she took off her jacket and threw it on the bed where her phone jumped out of the pocket.
She took another shaky breath as she hoped Ryan somewhere was thinking of her while he did the same thing.
Grabbing a can of beer, she took two sips before she felt unbearable pain in her stomach. Screaming out loud out of pain, her tears fell more thick and more fast but now from pain and fear.
‘I won’t let you die alone’
Falling on the ground, she sobbed. Her body seemed to go over drive. She felt hot, sweating, breathing deeply.
Trying to get the strength to stand up, she felt something vibrate. Collecting all her power to stand up, she grabbed her phone still sobbing.
Clicking ‘cancel’ she hugged herself feeling more sweaty and more pained.
It was happening.
The phone vibrated again and she clicked ‘cancel’
It rung again and again and she pressed ‘cancel’ each time.
Suddenly, she felt dizzy and as the phone vibrated, her heart led her to grab it and press ‘ yes’
Somehow, her heart didn’t want to die.
‘ Nina, Nina!’ a panicked voice filled her ears and all she could do is whimper.
A curse ran through the phone and suddenly she said ‘ Hel- H… Help’
A sob escaped whoever who called her and he started begging her ‘ Nina, tell me where do you live! NINA! WHERE DO YOU LIVE!”
She felt like screaming but she didn’t.
‘Nina. I couldn’t do it! You made me not do it! Nina please… tell me… where you are…’ he begged and her eyes even though drifting shut, she whispered
‘Ryan…’
And as she felt like her body was dying, she hoped she could ever forgive herself, but what she didn’t expect was a couple of blurred figures appearing around her and touching her everywhere.
At that moment, even though she wished to die since forever, a small voice inside her whispered
‘life was worth it after all’
The moral of this…
Maybe when you stare at nothing you tend to think of things that are not thought of at normal times.
Maybe when you fall in love, a question roams your head trying to break all the confidence and trust you hold for thatspecial person.
Maybe doubts and fears are the things that truly ruin everything beautiful.
Maybe a smile really does make miracles
And maybe tears honestly clean your soul.
Maybe things are taken for granted.
Maybe you’re the type of person who likes to sit in front of the computer trying to program a new computer technology sensation.
Maybe you love hanging around the mall with your friends hoping a shop would pop the sign “sale” while you’re having fun.
Maybe your whole life is about that certain guy or girl and you seem to not think of anyone else.
Why if a girl who likes to wear a short skirt, she’s considered a slut?
Why would a girl who would cries a lot, be looked at as an attention seeker and not someone in need for help?
Why do guys who play sports and are attractive, be automatically considered as self centered jack asses?
Why do students who actually work for good marks be considered nerds, and suffer for the rest of their high school lives for their ambitions?
Why do we look at mistakes as if they’re fetal? You do mistakes as well, and you’re living with yourself.
Why do you want everything to be perfect?I advise you to learn the awful lesson that perfect doesn’t exist but there’s something that helps with the brutal truth, which is that sometimes, not being perfect is the thing that makes us who we are.
And we are always Perfectly who we are. That is most probably the only perfect thing in the world.
Whenever you feel worthless, ugly, too thin, too fat, not wanted, broken hearted, gay, nerdy, boring, outcast, stupid, degraded or even too much of a genius.
Stop yourself from completing the sentence that is led by all the negative feelings inside you due to all normal insecurities and believe in that if you are worthless, that means you are thinking of someone who thinks you’re worthless.
But if that person really sees you as a worthless person, does that mean you Are worthless? That is the road of life that is the dream of humanity, to discover that what people think about you, doesn’t define you as a person.
If you feel ugly, it’s most probably because someone in your life always felt insecure and by such ‘rubbed the salt’ on you. What if the queen of high school told you , you were flat, fat, ugly or even a stick?
What does it matter, she is obviously more insecure than you and she is trying to settle the occurring thoughts in her mind by teasing the people who seem secure and not caring for any crap she pulls.
Remember, if people are trying to bring you down, it only means you are above them!
Did you ask that boy of your dreams out and he rejected you? Was he your best friend and now everything’s awkward? Was he the hottie at school and he turned out to be a jerk and is giving you a hard time?
Did you ask the beautiful girl in your class out and she rejected you thinking you’re using her cause she’s not popular enough for you? And it ended up with her hating you? Did you want to kiss a girl on your first date and she stuttered something like ”ew” when you approached her and now you feel embarrassed with your mere existence?
So you feel not wanted? Believe me, millions of people have felt this way a lot! I think this defines us as faulted humans.
How could you accomplish something if your born already accomplished?
Do you think that feeling of being unwanted or out casted will haunt you forever? When you mature enough you will realize that those people who ever gave you a hard time, were always the ones needing support. But watch them when they fare inside their little “trust” circle, you’ll be surprised at how disastrous everything turns out to be! Confused? Relate what I just said to the movie ‘mean girls’
it’s not that you’re not good enough for them, it’s that they’re not good enough for you.
Sometimes popularity is not the ultimate solution for everything, I had the chance to be every popular more than once in my life. First it was through being the best friend of the most popular girl in like… the country! But she sold me out and stuck a dagger inside my back far too many times. And believe it or not, I left her! I just stopped talking to her. it was very hard for me, but then I turned out to be popular without her! I was always popular because of me! now my ‘true’ best friends are here for me, and they would stick daggers in the backs of anyone who would even think about talking about me.
Someone broke your heart? I like to think about that person for months and not escape the fate of thinking about him. With time, I just realize that I haven’t thought about him for a while and then it is proved that I am over him. True love is not defined but you feel it. It feels great but it is truly unexplainable. How could you explain the mix of emotions from butterflies to feeling nauseas?
And remember, you’re special to someone in life. If that dude didn’t feel it with you then someone else will have you as his world and you will really discover that your past heartbreaks were nothing but a passing affection that went wrong.
I bet you think this is totally random, I just hope you don’t think it’s boring, but as booksie is most probably the only place I can write freely being sure that no one will judge, I want to share with you the reason why I wrote this.
Humans, are programmed to feel bad about themselves. It’s just like drama queens and trouble makers.
Why do those always seem to seek drama and create troubles even though they’re scolded or judged after each time? it’s their character. It’s easier for us as humans to live in drama rather than a perfect life.
When everything is great, you feel happy then suddenly you realize that you’re bored!
Bored of being as happy as you always wanted , as you always wished. So what happens? You’re conscience starts to look up for drama, problems, minor complications, stuff that are truly trivial.
And you start to stress on it for the sake of a drama factor in your life.
So, when you actually look at the negative things you have, you are just scared of being happy.
I know it seems stupid, but I really think it’s true. Think about it yourself. Why would people always complain?
Why is it known that no matter how confident that person is, they have their ups and downs?
Because when they’re up, they start looking for stuff that gives them their downs, and excreta!
Booksiers, girls, boys, high scholars, collegers, parents, workers, singles, married, writing or just reading…
You are meant to feel bad about yourself. It’s not that you’re actually a bad person or your imperfections are too hard on you, but it’s just in humans’ minds. You have to over dramatize. Drama is a very very important ingredient that needs to be added every now and then to your mind and sub conscience. But that doesn’t give you the excuse to let go of your life!
We are scared of being happy, of being content, of being perfectly proud of what we have. We’re scared that when we’re too great, no one will feel like helping us, be there for us, think we are full of our selves, people will be jealous, or not accept the fact that you’re that perfectly imperfect.!
Even imperfections are things people seek drastically.
Don’t ever think you are less than anyone.
Mediocrity attacks excellence.
So never listen to what mediocre people say, at least…
Never take it to heart.
You’re amazing,
You’re beautiful,
You’re special,
You’re one of a kind.
And that was what Ryan and Nina realized.
Ryan Held Nina’s hand as they sat on the ground where Ryan discovered, they stared at the sky as they thought of how close they were to death.
And surprising as it is, after they were so close to giving up, they realized they weren’t quitters.
It was just not in them.
Their families, well, both families read the letters before anything happened and both were guilty and still are.
Ryan’s mom stopped drinking and started proving to Ryan that she loved him, seemed that she never knew he felt that way.
Nina’s dad apologized and rather than put her down, he started helping her out. Her mom embraced her daughter with her beautiful character, not caring about the shallow things that the modern people seem to take so much to heart. Jason, cried till he had no more tears to shed.
He told his sister that her depression made her think he hates her because of all the teasing, but siblings were supposed to do that, and that he loved her more than anything.
‘you are my baby sis. I love you’
And Mona, swore that she loved Nina for who she was and not because she felt sorry for her.
Now, laying down and smiling contently at the surroundings, Ryan said ‘ we were so close to doing something everyone was to regret.’
Nina turned to her side and smiled at him saying ‘ till we met each other’
He smiled sheepishly but Nina leant over him and gave him a kiss.
‘what if we didn’t find each other? I mean, I never forget the people who felt the same things we did and were so close to commit that quitting action… I wish, I could stop them’ he said.
Nina sighed and said ‘ We just have to show everyone around us how special they are.’
Ryan nodded saying ‘ I guess so. ‘
‘Ryan, thank you’ she whispered and he looked at her smiling and asked ‘what for?”
‘you didn’t let me die alone.’
He frowned and said ‘ but you didn’t die. You’re family got to you in time’
She shook her head and said ‘ no silly, a part of me died. The part that was so black, that was so bleak, that was giving up.’
He sighed and said ‘ thank you too’
She giggled and said ‘what for?”
He shrugged and whispered ‘ for existing’
Never forget that everyone needs love. If you pass by a nerd at school and feel like teasing them, stop yourself.
He might me so close to giving up.
If a friend is looking different and sad, be there for them even if they are not that close to you.
You never know when you’re the reason why someone chose to live… or die.
‘Life is a candle light. You can be the one who blows it out or simply encircle it with your palms.’


© Copyright 2018 Chockl8 Muffin. All rights reserved.

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