Granddad's Little Accident

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Religion and Spirituality  |  House: Booksie Classic

The History of Everything, upto and including the moment you finish reading. In less than 2,250 words. With jokes as well. Not bad, eh?

Granddad’s Little Accident

By

Chris Gerard

Several Billion years ago, God created the world.

Yes, He did.

He did.

Okay, maybe it was His brother. Maybe the whole family were sitting round one afternoon, and, like happens in most families, somebody (probably Granddad), inadvertently released a foul smelling explosion of gas.

“Whoa!” someone cries out.

“Ugh,” says someone else.

“For Dad’s sake,” complains another. “That’s disgusting.”

Granddad says, “What? Why you all looking at me?”

“I wonders,” pipes up Granma. “Who else we gonna look at when someone stinks up the whole place? We got to find somewhere bigger.”

“Bigger than the Universe?” Granddad pulls a face. “Practical as usual. Pah!”

“Pah – ra – lel,” Granma comes back at him. “As in Parallel Universes. Then you can have one all to yourself, and stink it out as much as you want, cos no one’s going to visit you.”

“Here we go,” Granddad says, standing up and tucking the newspaper under his arm. “If anyone wants me, I’ll be in the shed.”

“Who’d want you?” Granma shouts after him. “Go on. See you in a couple of aeons.”

“And whose cooking is to blame for that?”

Granddad shuffles off, muttering all the way.

Halfway to the shed, Granma’s cooking attacks him again. It starts with a rumbling in the region of his stomach, a bit of gurgling, some bouncing around, like giants are juggling with a couple of cannonballs (or Granma’s dumplings), then acrobats in heavy boots start trying out a few somersaults. There’s a build-up of pressure and try as he might, Granddad can’t stop this great onrush of natural gas escaping and knocking down nearby trees and faraway mountains.

“Ay, Caramba!” God’s brother shouts in the middle of inventing Spanish. “Lo que era?”

“Eh?” says God.”

“Que?”

“What’s going on?”

“Una explosion gigantesco .”

“What?”

“Una gran bomba.”

“Speak English,” God commands him, these being the days before He knew absolutely everything.

“It sounds like...”

“Yes?”

“A...loud... noise.”

“What?”

“A huge sound?”

“That the best you can come up with?”

“A terrific...racket?”

God glares at him, making his brain struggle even more.

“Er, it was, er...a...big...”

“Yes?

“A big...”

“A big what?”

“A big...”

“WHAT?”

“A big BANG!”

“A big bang?” God looks at him in disgust. “That’s the best you can come up with? Pathetic.”

God’s brother stomps off, already thinking up some Spanish swearwords. God is about to go back to inventing ants, or whatever He was doing, but when He steps outside, it’s absolute CHAOS. Within less than a millisecond, Granddad’s unfortunate accident has caused a right mess. God is absolutely furious.

“Granddad!” He booms.

Granddad tries to make himself small, but God’s all-seeing eye pins him down. His other, slightly less all-seeing, since He had the accident peering into a volcano when he was younger, watches the debris of Granddad’s eruption shooting off into the distance, forming stars and galaxies and goodness knows what else.

“Sorry.” Granddad tries to appease Him.

“Sorry?” God shakes His mighty head. “You’re always sorry. But who has to clean this all up. Eh? Me, that’s who. Good grief.”

“I’m sorry,” Granddad repeats. “Shall I get the brush and shovel?”

“Yeah, right,” God says. “And while you’re at it, see if one of your offspring’s managed to invent the vacuum cleaner yet.”

Granddad doesn’t react well to sarcasm.

“You ask me,” he says, quietly, “all these vacuums is part of the problem. If you didn’t go leaving vacuums lying around all over the place, half these accidents wouldn’t happen in the first place.

God hears him with His all-hearing ear – the other one being slightly impaired since one of the kids left the volume on the music of the spheres turned up to eleven: “Oy, that hurt!”

“Accidents?” He shouts. “You’re the accident. Maybe I been leaving too many Granddads lying around...”

Meanwhile, Granddad’s little accident goes hurtling off and hurtling off. In a blink of God’s good eye, or a few billion years to you and me, Galaxies form and dissolve. Stars are born, grow up, get jobs, retire, die, and go off to form new stars, or planets. Those with no ambition become asteroids, or float around aimlessly as bits of dust. Eventually they become something else, whether they want to or not.

Backwards and forwards they drift and bounce, one day finding themselves part of a carbon monoxide iceberg on the planet Aagh! (named after one of God’s Granma’s cooking experiments), next they turn up as part of a drop of mucus slipping from a dinosaur’s nostril.

On and on, bits of Stardust, recycling and recycling, over and over, all around the Universe.

Incredibly, miraculously, after millions and millions of years, loads of these bits of dust and atoms and molecules, somehow decide to get together, and to make something that has never been made, ever before, anywhere.

Something so unique, so beautiful, so wonderful, God and His family stop their interminable arguing and gaze down proudly at the Earth.

“Wow,” they say. “Look what we made.”

“”What we made?” Granddad shouts from the shed. “Now you like something I did, suddenly it’s we? Ha!

Everyone ignores him, of course, being too astonished at the incredible result of all the interconnected accidents that had led to this moment. In the endless expanse of time and space, in the countless events, great and small, that had taken place...

If Imhotep had formed a sect

And not become an architect

If Moses had no slaves to free

The burning bush he didn’t see

If Alex the G hadn’t had the runs

Devaki had but seven sons

If Noah hadn’t built a boat

Or found too late it wouldn’t float

If Isaac hadn’t met Rebecca

Mohammed hadn’t conquered Mecca

If Pontius P had called in sick

The crowd Barabbus hadn’t picked

If Mars had settled down with Venus

She-wolf eaten Rom and Remus

If Romans had discovered oil

Gas, electric, bacofoil

If Buddha plumped for luxury

and not a bed beneath a tree

Confucious had received the meat

the Duke had thought he shouldn’t eat

A cobra had thought, “What the heck,”

And sunk his fangs in Nanak’s neck

Had Leonardo lost his sight

Or Shakespeare never learned to write

The Trojan fools had burned the horse

Henry been allowed divorce

If Ghandi’s mum had never married

Hitler’s mother had miscarried

Disney not drawn Mickey Mouse

Stalin never left the house

If Mao Tse-Tung had died at birth

James Earl Ray not lived on Earth

If Lennon never met McCartney

If God’s grandfather hadn’t farted...

If... If... If...

If only one thing had been different.

If the Earth had been parked just a few miles further from the Sun...

If the Moon was a fraction smaller, or bigger, or in a fractionally different place...

If only one speck of dust had landed on a different spot of land...

If one microscopic creature had turned left instead of right, on Thursday 2nd of March, 25 million years BC...

If one car had arrived thirty seconds earlier in Franz Josef Street, Sarajevo, on 28 June 1914, or not mistakenly driven into it in the first place...

If only ONE of these things, or one of a billion, trillion others, had been different , in any way, no matter how minutely...

...history would not have led to this historic, earth-shattering, momentous occasion.

This astounding creation.

This brilliant, astonishing, magnificent achievement.

This beautiful, wonderful, breathtaking...

You.


Submitted: April 02, 2012

© Copyright 2022 Chris Gerard. All rights reserved.

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Comments

moonphish

wow....this was brilliant....gonna reread this one again

Mon, April 2nd, 2012 4:42pm

Author
Reply

Thanks Moonphish, coming from someone whose own work repays - nay, demands - rereading, that is a compliment indeed.

Mon, April 2nd, 2012 2:42pm

Animal lover

really funny and clever. amazing work!
animal lover xxx

Mon, April 2nd, 2012 5:23pm

Author
Reply

Thank you. You were the first person in this country to read it (apart from me) and your opinion means a lot. Glad you liked it. :O)

Mon, April 2nd, 2012 2:35pm

Wilbur

I find you brilliant as always, shining brightly in the firm-a-ment, still yet and always. Love a good rant and particularly when it takes on sacred cows and gaseous explosions to create anew. Brilliant.
Kindest regards, Connie

Mon, April 2nd, 2012 7:38pm

Author
Reply

Thanks Connie. How did you know it was there? It really is amazing: after years of writing, and no one really seeing any of it, to finish a story one minute, and have responses from the other side of the world almost immediately - and positive responses at that - is wonderful, and very encouraging. :O)

Mon, April 2nd, 2012 2:17pm

BITSxOFxKINKY

i have to echo the others ...Wow totally awesome

Mon, April 2nd, 2012 8:07pm

Author
Reply

Thanks once again, you're very generous, and I really do appreciate it :O)

Mon, April 2nd, 2012 2:20pm

Areen Abukishek

incredible

Tue, April 3rd, 2012 9:08am

Author
Reply

I feel so honoured, in so many ways, but mostly because your replies to comments on your own work are so...non-existent, really, so even a one word response from you to my own work is fantastic. Thank you so much. :O)

Tue, April 3rd, 2012 3:59am

BethanGray

So interesting. The "if" couplets were particularly thought-provoking.

Tue, April 3rd, 2012 1:53pm

Author
Reply

Thanks Bethan. You found this before I even sent you my begging request. Hope lots of people are finding your writing too.

Tue, April 3rd, 2012 2:24pm

moonphish

reread this piece....even better the second time around....the "ifs' were amazing....gonna read some more of your work when i get the chance....definitely gonna send a fan request

Tue, April 3rd, 2012 4:03pm

Author
Reply

I'm flattered and humbled, and most of all, pleased to get such a positive response. Thanks.

Tue, April 3rd, 2012 2:28pm

inspiredbylove22

Chris....this is an amazing piece of work, regardless of religion or beliefs. If someone found this offensive than they are too 'brain washed' to appreciate your incredible imagination. Sometimes my train of thought goes off on a 'what if?' tangent but the difference between us is that you manage to steer it, add a humourous twist and finish on a thought provoking 'feel good' compliment, whereas mine end with crossed eyes and a headache lol! Thank you so much for sharing such thought provoking work and for taking the time to read my (in comparison) insignificant work ;)

Tue, April 3rd, 2012 5:59pm

Author
Reply

Please don't underestimate your own work, or overestimate mine. Actually, forget that second bit. And thank you for your compliments and analysis. If I produce anything good, it is only after producing vast amounts of rubbish, and following lots of apparently futile trains of thought. The one gratifying thing is that I've spent the last few years wondering what has been the point of filling my head with tons of information, just for the love of learning, when presumably it will all disappear when I snuff it: when stuff comes together like this, and wonderful people like you appreciate it, everything starts to make sense. Thank you so much.

Tue, April 3rd, 2012 2:55pm

BethanGray

You were going to send me a begging request to read this? (1) There is clearly no need to beg if I beat you to it and (2) I'm judging you for begging D: I'm only kidding of course! I love reading your work and was actually pretty happy when I saw you had a new piece. I wouldn't say lots of people, but a few very epic stray readers have wandered idly onto my page. I plan on stealing their attention with a spectacular new chapter ASAP.

Tue, April 3rd, 2012 9:30pm

Author
Reply

Good for you. Word will spread eventually, I know. I wouldn't normally beg (or even ask) people to read my stuff, but this one felt different, and I wanted to know if it worked how I was hoping. So far so good! To go from one extreme to the other, my next two pieces are going to be poetic tributes (sort of) to Britney Spears and Madonna. There will be no demeaning, begging requests to accompany them, although Madge may be consulting her lawyers.

Tue, April 3rd, 2012 4:08pm

brucek

you just made me blush! what? you weren't just talking about me? i swear, that's what i felt like. honest. (this piece of fun is all the evidence i need, clearly it's you that is the unique one!) that was astounding!! you make me so jealous, there's only one thing to do. i'll have to go and create my own universe! bravo maestro!

Wed, April 4th, 2012 8:04am

Author
Reply

You made me speechless. Thank you. You know you write stuff, and you never know if it says what you're trying to say? I read it again last night before I went to bed, and it was flat, meaningless and stupid. Luckily I'm old enough now not to get depressed about it, knowing it may seem different in the morning. Now, the first thing I see is your response, and I am reinvigorated and defibrillated. A million, billion thank you's. Hope your new universe works out for you (I think maybe we all get one each when we die, or at the very least a solar system. I've got big plans for mine, starting with a toenail-clipping emporium, and a ban on women buying cushions. After that I'll banish hunger, war, Madonna and disease. And I'll stop now, before that coffee I just had gets me into trouble.) Cheers. And many more thanks.

Wed, April 4th, 2012 6:21am

BethanGray

It definately works, there is no question about that. That's a great topic for poetry - something that I'll be sure to read! Feel free to use the line(s): Queen of pop, she'll make your heart stop. - clearly it is I who should write poetry, haha. Well, I've embarrassed myself plenty for now (and that's before I beg you to read my new chapter. Only kidding, I don't beg...).

Wed, April 4th, 2012 12:28pm

Author
Reply

You mean, Queen of pop, I wish she'd stop! But that's just me (as you'll see when I finally post my poem.) You know you don't have to beg me to read your work. Pay me, yes, soon as you're very very rich (or even just very). In the meantime, I'll just add it to your account.

Wed, April 4th, 2012 6:26am

bobby byzell

you know chris, it's just so strong! i'm thinking 'mmm... how could he improve it?' but i don't think that you could! i'm gonna read it again!

Wed, April 4th, 2012 2:21pm

Author
Reply

Thanks Bobby. I'm always looking to improve, and never entirely happy. The poem bit for instance: I usually take more time, but really wanted to get this out there. You're feedback is always welcome and appreciated.

Wed, April 4th, 2012 7:57am

Denis Goodwin

Just think, it took 13.7 billion years or so for someone to get around to writing that quirky, provocative piece. We, your readers, are obviously delighted it was you, Chris. Sorry I can't help you with agents and publishers. If I had them, I'd happily pass them on to you. Anyway, Happy Easter (or maybe Yygdrasil Day?).

Fri, April 6th, 2012 1:11pm

Author
Reply

Thanks, Denis. You given up Catholicism to become a norseman? I see you took my advice and made your novel even longer! good for you, and very good it is too, though it may take me until 2020 to catch up with you. All the best.

Fri, April 6th, 2012 2:17pm

Madison Thomas

HA! Thats was amazing! The ending was not what i expected this to be leading to - one word makes for the perfect ending! I love it!

Sat, April 7th, 2012 5:22am

Author
Reply

Thanks Madison, as far as you're concerned, it sounds like I achieved exactly what I was aiming for, so i couldn't ask for more.

Mon, April 9th, 2012 3:13pm

Denis Goodwin

No, Chris, I haven't "given up Catholicism to become a norseman". Nor have I followed that English king and cried, "a norse, a norse, my Kingdom for a norse" (read with an Aussie accent). My apologies for that, to you and all the wonderful and good humoured Scandinavians in the world.

Sat, April 7th, 2012 11:14pm

Author
Reply

Haha. That's sending me to bed with a laugh, which is the best way to go. Thanks Denis.

Sat, April 7th, 2012 4:39pm

El Steveo

This is great - an intriguing start and a fantastic finish. Something very different, and wonderfully intelligent and funny, good stuff!

Sun, April 8th, 2012 11:04am

Author
Reply

Cheers, El. I was in a flippant mood, but your words are so considered and generous, all I can say is a humble thank you.

Sun, April 8th, 2012 7:10am

JDP

Oh gosh. I wouldn't have clicked on it if I'd noticed the Religion genre.
Don't you find this the least bit blasphemous? ;-)
I found it perfectly entertaining and loved the rhyming bit: "Shakespeare never learned to write."
Oh, what a pity! We would have never had She's The Man, or all the animated Romeo and Juliet movies (my personal fave is one where they use seals instead of people, and Mercutio is extremely funny)
Adored it. I "liked" it, too.
xoxo

Sat, April 14th, 2012 7:03am

Author
Reply

I hadn't realised it was in the religion genre! I'll remove it immediately. I wondered if anyone would find it 'slightly' blasphemous, if that's possible, but, going by the jokes He's played on me, I know God has a great, if twisted, sense of humour! So do I, and I'm glad you share it as well. Thanks for visiting, and taking the trouble to comment. :O)

Sat, April 14th, 2012 5:02am

Irwinagain

Well your explanation of creation is as good as any I've ever read and you have to wonder at all the 'if onlys'. We are more a product of chance and accident than we realise I think. Thank you for all the smiles and for directing me to this piece.

Wed, April 18th, 2012 3:40pm

Author
Reply

You're welcome Irwin, thanks for your kind words, and if I've set you right on the path to salvation, my work here is done. :O)

Thu, April 19th, 2012 1:36am

Nichola Palermo

It is very funny and enjoyable. Well done

Sat, April 21st, 2012 12:21am

Author
Reply

Thanks Nichola. Have visited your site, as you may already know. I hope my story made you smile. :O)

Mon, April 23rd, 2012 6:02am

Nicola Chudasch

i really love your work. so far i haven't read anything of your's that i dislike. i enjoyed this in particular, so witty, and such a fantastic concept. i must admit, i would like to live in your imagination just for 1 day haha. keep up the fantastic work :o)

Sat, April 21st, 2012 8:11pm

Author
Reply

Thank you Nicola. I wouldn't advise taking up residence in my imagination - I've spent half my life trying to escape it myself! Having said that, when stories like this and Escalation Row pop out, and I get such heartwarming responses, it all seems worthwhile. Thanks again :O)

Mon, April 23rd, 2012 2:35am

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