The Unluckiest Man in Manhattan
Poem by: Chris Gerard
Reads: 5180 | Likes: 0 | Shelves: 0 | Comments: 183
The Unluckiest Man in Manhattan
The unluckiest man in Manhattan
was crossing Delancey one day
when he found himself knee deep in guano
with a Llama bird blocking his way
In a coat of many colors
though most of the colors were black
(it’s not that the colors weren’t there,
it’s just pigmentation they lacked)
‘Hey Llama boid, hi, how you doin’?’
he greeted the obstacle thus
though inside his insides were churning
and his outsides felt struck by a bus
For this wasn’t the only occasion
he’d found Llama bird stood in his way
and he knew from their previous engagement
Llama bird would demand that he say
Something verbally dexterous or tricky
words his tongue would be wrestling with soon
or his path would be blocked for eternal
or the very least thirty past noon
Like Oedipus meeting the Griffin
or Moses confronting the bush
the unluckiest man in Manhattan
felt an urge from that precinct to rush
But the Llama bird had no intention
to break up their scene in that way
so he wrapped up our hero in powerful wings
and politely requested he stay
Now our hero, whose name was Johobo
or sometimes just Yoho for short
Realized it was futile to struggle
in the Llama bird’s web he was caught
So he threw out his pride and his ego
and threw himself down on his knees
Then on bended legs, he shamelessly begged
and besieged his foe’s ear with these pleas
‘Oh Llama boid pray grant me freedom
I have an appointment to keep:
A man I once knew said he’d meet me at two
and it’s now almost fifty past three
If I fail to attend said appointment
my poor reputation is doomed
It’s bad as it is, since I failed in that quiz
‘bout my nocturnal trips to the Zoo
The police say they’ll have no compunction
since compunction’s in such short supply
I’ll be locked in a cage ‘til I surpass the age
old Methuselah had when he died
The Llama bird watched with no pity
as Yoho continued to squirm
The very foundations of old New York City
were ashamed they‘d produced such a worm
But Yoho was twenty past caring
engrossed by the fix he was in
He had only one aim – it was always the same –
to salvage his own precious skin
The climax was swiftly approaching
the Llama bird took a deep breath
“You’re dying to ask,’ he said, “What is the task,
that will shortly result in your death.”
‘You’re mistaken,’ Yohobo informed him
‘Curiosity’s just not my thing.’
The bird played his ace: ‘That may well be the case
but my song you are still going to sing.
‘And sing it in numerous accents
I will choose from those parts of the earth
Who have problems with speech, those who bellow and screech
who have vocal chords mangled at birth
From places like Atlanta, Georgia
To Liverpool, England near France
From Brooklyn to Oz, Northern Ireland because
they speak brogue and wear brogues when they dance
If you fail in this task I will set you
your soul will be mine for all time
Not to mention your liver and kidneys
which I’ll simmer in butter and wine
Your brains I will keep in cold storage
to peruse at my leisure one day
While your feet gently stew and the remnants of you
will be pickled in sweet Chardonney
Yohobo searched, frantic, for freedom
in every direction he knew -
East North West and South, while the Llama bird’s mouth
was a torrent of digestive goo
There was no escape, that much was certain
and lunchtime was coming up quick
The Llama bird tucked in his napkin
Yohobo was physically sick
As he coughed up the last of his vomit
with his sinuses clogged up with chunks
stomach acid attacking enamel
inspiration asleep in its bunk
Poor Yohobo resigned himself sadly
to the fate fate had fated him for
He thought he’d been heading for 17th Street
Who’d have guessed that address was Death’s door?
The Llama bird pressed on, relentless
preparing the words for his prey
Like a gourmet selecting the finest of foods
he knew just what Yohobo must say
But as he began to recite them
and Yoho prepared for the slab
Llama birD from this world was most untimely ripped
yes indeed, he was struck by a cab
And the irony rained down like silver
as the Llama bird lay there, quite dead
For the cab driver didn’t know English
from the holes in a Killer Whale’s head
Yohobo rejoiced for a moment
then quietly tiptoed away
The unluckiest man in Manhattan
had finally had a good day
Submitted: January 24, 2012
© Copyright 2022 Chris Gerard. All rights reserved.
Comments
This was absolutely fantastic! Such an enjoyable read. Great job. :) Sherry
Wed, February 1st, 2012 8:02pm
Author
Reply
Hi Sherry. I thought I'd replied to your kind comments, or commented on some of your work by way of response. If I did, could you confirm, and if I didn't, can you accept my apology and a promise that I will do so in the very near future. Thanks.
Sat, February 11th, 2012 2:35pm
Wow this was great!!
Thu, February 2nd, 2012 3:06am
Author
Reply
Didn't know how to reply to comments before so left the following on your poem:
Wow. This really touched me - being a father of a daughter, having had dad issues of my own - lots of reasons. Beautifully written and sad without being maudlin or sinking into self-pity. I'll definitely read more. Thanks for reading my nonsense and for your kind comments
This is very unique! I've read only a handful of poems that are written in this format(storytelling poetry) and this is well-told story. Great rhythem and an excellent piece!
I also want to congrats on having this poem getting featured. Your poem replaced mine and I will tell you that its an honor to be featured! Enjoy it while you can! XD
- Christian Taylor
this is very written and i love the storytelling in this song, it flows also well this is really amazing love it.
Thu, February 2nd, 2012 4:55pm
......without further ado...i love it!
Super entertaining! I love poetry that tells a story! You should write more like this...I absolutely love it!
Sat, February 4th, 2012 4:30am
Author
Reply
Thank you Raven, or whatever your name is. I like to know someone's age and gender, if only so I can make my own comments more relevant. Your own writing is fine: I'm guessing you're young-ish, so you just need to keep reading a lot and writing a lot. Best of luck, and thanks again.
Sat, February 4th, 2012 4:01pm
really entertaining :)
Sat, February 4th, 2012 6:46pm
Author
Reply
Thank you, glad I made you smile. Your poems touched me, too, in a different way. Nice work.
Sat, February 4th, 2012 3:41pm
hehe...love it:)
Sat, February 4th, 2012 8:51pm
Author
Reply
Thank you. I try to visit the sites of everyone who leaves me a comment, and return the courtesy. Unfortunately I'm losing track of who I've read and who I haven't, so please let me know if I've missed you out and I will make amends as soon as possible. Thanks again for reading my poem. Try another, they're just as stupid and hopefully funny.
Wed, February 8th, 2012 1:43pm
Amazing, funny, interesting it's all those good stuff man keep at it, if you want you could also check out my stuff =D
Sun, February 5th, 2012 7:52am
Author
Reply
Hi, thanks for your comment. I like your poems, and the english is excellent - I assume it's your second language. All the best.
Sun, February 5th, 2012 5:06am
I'm not a great fan of poetry but the title intrigued me and I have to say I really enjoyed it, fun, flowing and very well written. Llama bird scared me a little ;)
Mon, February 6th, 2012 4:28pm
Author
Reply
Thank you. I'm not a great fan of poetry either, but I am a fan of your story, From The Day We Met. I think it's the best thing I've read on this site (apart from my own stuff, ha ha). It was moving, powerful and well written. Why do you sound unsure of yourself? And why label your story gay and lesbian? It deserves as wide a readership as possible. I'm not gay or lesbian so I probably would never have come accross it if you hadn't commented on my poem. I'm glad you did. Thanks again and all the best.
I like it very much. Honestly. :)
Tue, February 7th, 2012 4:05am
Author
Reply
Thank you. Appreciated. I'll have a look at your stuff and get back to you. Cheers
Tue, February 7th, 2012 1:38am
wow, this has to be one of my favorite things ive read here. great syntax and very funny.
Tue, February 7th, 2012 4:27am
Author
Reply
Thank you very much. I will read some of yours and get back to you. All the best.
Tue, February 7th, 2012 1:36am
Your writing style is amazing. Ive only read some poems in this story-telling style but had liked only one poet's and now I can say count has reached upto two (the second one being you, ofcourse). And I dont know what to say that the other comments have not said. So I'd again repeat that it was a really intresting and worthwhile read.
Tue, February 7th, 2012 1:25pm
Author
Reply
Thank you KD. I've read some of your poems and you have great promise (not that I know anything about poetry, but I know when someone has talent). I've left a comment for you after All and Lost, which is beautiful. Thank you again for your comments.
Tue, February 7th, 2012 2:26pm
i've never read anything like this! it was fantastic! your an amazing poet, the way you made a fable-ish poem and crafted all the words and rhyme so neatly! and quite honestly i had a little giggle to myself once or twice, no wonder you made the featured page!!
Tue, February 7th, 2012 5:12pm
Author
Reply
Thank you so much. I've been to your page and left a comment on your valentine poem: You are a true wordsmith, so your praise is very valuable and very welcome. Thanks again.
Wed, February 8th, 2012 1:33pm
I am no expert but I enjoyed the style and flow of this piece. It read like a limerick which is fun and it never tripped over the rhymes. Excellent.
Tue, February 7th, 2012 5:26pm
Author
Reply
Thank you very much. I read some of your stuff. The first thing I liked was the 'no reading requests' request - it bugs me that people post these things without reading our stuff first, so nice one. The second thing I liked was that you are obviously intelligent and literate, so your comment and the fact you took time out, means a great deal. The third thing I liked was '..she fell down the stairs.' Beautifully written and beautifully restrained, so all the more powerful for that. The Jamal piece was also excellent (is it true?). I was in finance in the 80's so it brought back memories. Thanks again, and all the best.
Tue, February 7th, 2012 1:47pm
LOL! That was funny! Its so hard to find poetry here that isn't about love or death.
Tue, February 7th, 2012 11:13pm
Author
Reply
Thank you, you're so right. In fact, I always start off trying to write about love and death, then something takes over and I end up with stuff like this. I think it's called denial, or escapism or something. I'm off to read some of your stuff right now. Thanks again.
Wed, February 8th, 2012 1:19am
This is great, but strange. Here am I in Australia, you're in the UK, writing a Manhattan fantasy. As I read it, it loped along a bit like Bob Dylan's 115th Dream, or some of Ken Nordine's Word Jazz, or something like that. Have you ever tried performing this backed by a funky jazz trio? That's how it sounds to me. Is that weird?
Wed, February 8th, 2012 5:43am
Author
Reply
Bloody hell, that's what I call a compliment. Thank you very much. You been at the VB, or something stronger? I wouldn't have the guts to stand on stage, with or without a Jazz trio, especially after seeing Mike Myers in I Married an Axe Murderer, but thanks for the thoughts. I'm off to your site now. Cheers
Wed, February 8th, 2012 1:16am
This is really good, I enjoyed reading it! :) I love poetry and hope to put some of my poems up here, but I don't think they'll be as good as this! Congradulations on making it featured on the home page!
Thu, February 9th, 2012 7:22am
Author
Reply
Thank you. No idea how it got on the featured page, but I'm glad it did. Visited your site and am really impressed. You are a very good writer and don't need advice from anyone, maybe just encouragement. Consider yourself encouraged. Thanks again.
Thu, February 9th, 2012 2:16am
it's interesting and very witty
your belly-aching little ditty,
you're acquainted with Shakespeare's Macbeth,
What's 17th street? Try googling, yes?
Thanks, enjoyable.
Author
Reply
Thank you Mr Towers, you are very very smart. I'm not sure if your writing is hyperbole or art. Kidding. I'll dig into it a bit more, but your appreciation is highly valued. 17th Street? It's one of my favourite New York streets, and it scanned nicely. Am I missing something? Thanks again, very much.
Sat, February 11th, 2012 2:05pmFacebook Comments
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brucek
funny!! very well written, i like the rhythm and the rhyme didn't get in the way. i got to go with the flow and enjoy the story. you have quite a knack. that must have been a blast to write!
Tue, January 24th, 2012 3:23pm