The Storm, the Barbed Path, and the Hand

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Religion and Spirituality  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is about how I fight through and survive my battles with BPD

Submitted: February 15, 2016

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Submitted: February 15, 2016

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Author’s Note: This story is parallel to my life in so many ways. I have heard so many times of people that Jesus will carry you through the storm. As a result, it is easy to get this rosy picture of Jesus carrying you through a storm unharmed. However, in my personal experiences, the storms are gruesome and bloody and many times, I had to suffer the brunt of the storm. However, in the midst of the storm, there is always someone there. And He never carried me...He held me, sheltered me and suffered with me. He was willing to share my sufferings and give me His strength when I had nothing to left to give for myself. And He always reminded me of a promise He made with me: someday the storms will end and I will forever be with Him.

 

I have traveled this path many times before...None of this is ever new...this is my life. There is no “getting over it”. There is only “getting through it”.....
I look up at the coming storm, tears in my eyes,
I feel the tears in my throat as I sigh....Here we go again...
I re-shoulder my backpack as I trudge toward the threatening storm. Every step feels heavy as I know what is to come. There are no guarantees that I will survive. There are no guarantees that my friends will stay with me after the storm. I cannot blame them. This storm is the most misunderstood of all storms, it is the storm that overtakes...it is the storm that robs..it is the storm in which repeats and repeats until you have no more strength left to call your own. I can feel my heartbeat racing and my breath quickening as I hear the rolling thunder vibrate through my shoes. Tears welling into my eyes as I trudge slowly forward, dragging my feet into the ground. The storm is gaining momentum...I can see the rain in-laced with fire coming down...I can see the hail swirling in the midst of this toxic brew. I can hear the winds...each wind whispering terrible words of fear and destruction. Black clouds are violently swirling into a massive monster. I stop. There is no strength left in me. I know that this is it. There is no going back....there is no way to stray from this path as the path is encased with barbed wire walls.
“Over here!”
I turn to look and I see the people that I care about the most. I can see their paths...beautifully laid out so that when the danger comes, they can hide from the storm... something I don’t have as the barbed walls bars me from all shelter. I can see their desperate faces reaching towards me. I reach out to them, in hopes to touch the golden finger tips of the ones I love through the barbed wall that engulfs my path. Tears are streaming hard down my face as the wire begins to dig deep into my tender flesh...I began to sob uncontrollably “Please be with me! Don’t leave me in this storm! I can’t escape from it! Please don’t leave me. Dear God, please...”
The faces faded in the fog...except for one. One person...
“Give me your hand!” He yells, struggling to get through the barbed nails that was between us. I try so desperately to make it through the divide. He struggles as well...nails ..daggers tore into both us, we keep going until we were able to touch....We hold hands as our bodies tried so hard to reach the other side. However, we reach as far as the nails would allow. We stand there just holding hands...rain is falling now...He looks at me with love in his eyes as his tears mix in the torrents of rain that is now falling on both of us.
“I’m so sorry...I can’t reach you...” he whispers to me. I can’t stop crying...How can I be so close and yet so far away from the people I love, especially towards the ones that never give up on me?
“Can you....can...,”I choke between sobs,” Can you just hold me hand? At least until it’s over? I don’t want to die alone.”
“I’m right here. Baby, I am right here. Hang on....”his words drifts into the fog and the piercing rain. As the wind grabs both of us, I could feel the wind trying to tear us apart. I can feel our hands slipping as the water drenches our arms. For one second...he was there....I scream for him to come back...no where to be found. He’s gone...he’s....gone.
I cry as I make my way back to the path...the path that seems to bend towards my destruction. The storm is now almost upon me. I look up with blood dripping from my wounds. Lifting my chin to the sky, I close my eyes...This is it...
The storm sweeps through like an atomic bomb....with no shelter...I can only just stand there. I can feel it now...storms of loss of identity...storms of rejections, guilt, anguish...storms of loss and rage ...insurmountable pain...I can feel its powerful hold...as the rage hits and it tries to consume me. I fall to the ground as the ice and snow of isolation shreds into me. I can only whisper.
I’m sorry for hurting you because of this storm. I love you all...you may not know it but I truly love and care for you.
I can hear the crunching snow of someone approaching me.Wearily I open my eyes. It was a man...a person of my past and my present...it was not the same man who held my hand at the barbed wall....it was the same one who held my hand when I was a child. It was the same one who taught me, cared for me, and held me through everything. He was covered in blood, I can see his torn flesh as he walks toward me. He walked through the barbed wall...for me...he was willing to suffer and die...to rescue me from the storm.
“I’m not ever going to give up on you. I made a promise” He says as He reaches out His hand towards me. Shaking and weak, I reach towards Him. The storm swirls around us as the gates of Hell opens in all it’s fury. As I touch His hand, His energy surrounds the both of us. He covers me with His wings of fire. His life-force breathes new life and strength in me as the storms passes through. I can feel my wounds healing as the I can feel my Rescuer taking the brunt of the storm. He bends down and gathers me in His arms.
“Hang on to me! Keep your eyes on Me!” He says as he holds me ever close to me. I squeeze tighter as I scream, “I promise! I am not letting You go!” I can feel the contrast of the strength of the storm and His strength. His strength is indescribable! He is so much stronger than the storm and yet He was willing to suffer together with me! I could feel His heartbeat against my head as I cried for the storm to be over.
“You’re going to make it! I am still here!” He yells. His words gave me courage as I could feel the storm slowly leave. I look at Him slowly into his eyes as the the storm fades. Only a light rain is falling. His wounds were gravely deep...His hands with giant holes in them. He collapses to His knees, dragging me with Him.
“I love you, I will always keep my promise to you...It’s finished.”
As He slowly sinks to the ground, I fall into a heart-wretched sob. No one has cared enough to die so I can survive the storm. No one. I cry as I pull His head close to mine as I laid on the ground. I lay there for seem like hours...days...then I felt someone touch my shoulder. I turn to see an angel standing over me.
“You haven’t lost Him. He has found you.”
When I turned to look, His body was gone. I look back, the angel was also gone. I stand up, looking around me. A soft glow is felt from behind me...I slowly turn to see Him...alive and well, more beautiful than the sunset...scars at the place where He suffered so I could live.
“You’re leaving me...aren’t you?” I whisper.
“I have something for you,” He says with a smile, “come and receive it.”
I cautiously approach Him. He opens His nail-wounded hands and reveals a beautiful shining orb that is brighter than the stars. When I touch it, the orb turns into energy and enters into my soul.
Touching my cheek, he smiles as he says these words to me, “I have promised to never leave you. I have given you My heart. It will keep you alive as you face these storms. You will never be alone ever again. My strength, I have given you. You forever belong to me”
“But the friends I lose after the storm...”my words trail off. With understanding, He looks at me.
“The ones who are truly your friend will stay..and those who are not, will leave. But I will remain the same. I know you. I know your soul...more than you know yourself. I also know your storms and I promise you...they will someday end...and you will live together with Me. My heart remains with you until we meet again. I have and always will love you. Those true friends that you may lose, will someday come back...maybe not in this world...but in the world to come.”
I hold His hand into mine. He holds my hand up and shows our hands together.
“We are still going through the storm together from now on. Continue to trust me.”
“I promise....I will trust You until the end.”
We both smile...
He knows my pain....He knows what I need...I need Him....Thank God...
....The storm may be coming...but I am not alone.


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