Aerobics, a Secret Diary, and Something Unpleasent Under the Bed

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Literary Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
A young man tries to get over his ex by doing things he's never tried before.

Submitted: January 08, 2014

A A A | A A A

Submitted: January 08, 2014



I suffer from a chronic broken heart. I was just one initial heart break. It’s not really real, I guess, the real term would probably be depression. But it doesn’t really run in my family, and I was a happy guy before she left me. But I did have everything in the whole world when I had her. I lost everything in the whole world when I lost her.

It was my fault, it’s not like I don’t know that. She and everyone else knew it was my fault. She and everyone else told me that I had to be better, be a better person, be someone who was worthy of her. She was the only one who thought that I was good enough for her. Until one day she just didn’t anymore.

My mom says I’m just down in the dumps, that I just need to cheer up. Get over her. But that’s just it, I am over her. I don’t think about how her hair smelled, or her inability to match. I don’t think about that stuff anymore. I don’t want her back. I just forgot what I wanted out of life, forgot who I was before her. I shaved away so much of myself to be with her, to be good enough for her. I felt lost when she left, and now I just am lost.

A totally free of charge college councilor told me to journal, to branch out of my comfort zone and find myself again. “Make a list of things you would never want to do, and then keep a diary tracking everything you experience. Either you find something that you love, or you remember who you were.” But diary sounds gay, so I’m keeping a journal.

Day 1- Something I would never do:  Watch reality TV.

There’s a reason I’ve never done this.

Day 2 - Something I would never do: Paint a painting

I kept thinking about dark, sad, things. So when I mixed the paint to get it as dark and gloomy I feel, and my painting looks like a disturbed person rubbed their shit on a white wall. When I started again, I tried to think happy thoughts, so I painted a tree. It felt incomplete without a flower and a sun in the top left corner. But when I added them, my painting looked like a seven year old girl did it. I’m a man damn it.

Day 3 – Something I would never do: Sleep with someone I just met.

I’ve always been a guy who likes to know someone first, I’ve never had an actual one night stand. But this little adventure gets two things out of the way.

Something I would never do: Go to a dance club.

I didn’t waste time. There were so many easy girls. I’m not bad looking, not in this lighting anyway. It felt like, the deeper I went into the club, the sluttier the girls got. I was curious though how I was going to snag one with the music this loud. Do you just hit them on the head and drag them back to your hut? Wait no, that’s super illegal. And I don’t have a club or hut. Too many holes in that plan.

I decide to just start dancing on one with a nice ass. I didn’t really look at her face. Should have. But she seemed more than willing. I mouthed the words lets get out of here.  She didn’t hesitate. What a whore. Sam would never do something like this. She was way too classy to even come here. Wondering where Sam is right now? Probably a café, or coffee shop. Maybe a bookstore that had a coffee shop in it. You would never run into her at a club, party, or anything that would make her jacket smell bad.

The girl with the nice ass had an okay face, but it was so close to mine during the entire experience that I couldn’t really know for sure. When I finished I realized the condom snapped. I probably have an STD.

Day 5: Something I would never do: Eat sushi

I’m not Japanese, nor am I adventurous. I took a break off from the trying new things because only three days of it may or may not have gotten me killed. It takes two weeks for the STD test to come back so we’ll see.

I called up a friend of mine to come with me to eat the sushi. He was experienced with it. We’ve been friends since the third grade, when he moved to Ohio. We ended going to the same college. He hasn’t really been around since she left me.

I ordered the “real deal shit”, which is basically a giant piece raw fish on top of a little ball of rice. I was really bad with chop sticks. The Japanese man who was our waiter was judging. But I ate it, all. I liked it. Jake and I are going again next week.

Day 6 – Something I would never do:  Go to an aerobics class.

First of all, aerobics is for women. Am I a little sexist? Yes. Sue me that I think that the classes where you jump around for an hour is for women and the weight room is for men. Sam hated that. She started reading a lot of feminism books toward the end of our relationship.

I went to the gym, and tried to think of the last time I went. Before Sam left me. She wanted us to get in shape together. Anyway, I walked in there, and there were no men. Just skinny women, a few chubby women, and old women. I thought I had that class in the bag. But the instructor spotted me and had me come to the front. Then we started, and it was alright. Then it started kicking my ass. Then she said take a drink now that we’re warmed up and then we’ll start our work out.

I’m not going to document that I cried at the end of the class.

Day 7 -  Something that I would never do: Deep clean my room.

It does smell really bad. Which is one of the reasons I put it on my list. It needs to get done, it’s never been done, and I’ll never get around to doing it. I didn’t really know where to start. Sam would. Sam wouldn’t just start, she would have a master plan. She would have all of her supplies ready before she needed them. She would dive in and be done in an hour and a half.

How she did it I don’t know. But I tried to put myself in her mind set. I started cleaning, but without a master plan I started to get a little lost. Then I got to under the bed. A place I never venture. I started to think that “Something I would never do: Go clean out under my bed” should be a whole day of it’s own. But this was all I had planned for today. Might as well commit.

Then it took a turn for the worst. I found something that I thought I got rid of. A picture of Sam. I forgot the shade of her hair. I remembered it was brown, but it had a tint of red in there. It was really pretty in the sun. I forgot that dimple she had in one cheek but not the other.

I forgot what she looked like.

I found myself l in bed what was hours later. Then I realized what this little exercise was for. I wasn’t some guy who didn’t know who he was. I’m a guy whose identity was ripped away. I know who I am. I’m Sam’s boyfriend. She’s who I changed my whole life for. She’s who I am.

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