Belly Up

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic

Here is how you go belly up.

Submitted: May 09, 2018

A A A | A A A

Submitted: May 09, 2018



This is how you go belly up.

It starts with a diet. Like a simple one. You just want to lose, like, five pounds or something. It’s no big deal. So. No soda, because, please, does anyone actually need that anyway?

It’s just, like. It’s just five pounds. No time, and then back to normal.

No soda. And maybe lets cut down on carbs. You read this article that says your body turns them right into sugar anyway.

No soda. No carbs. No sugar, either, then.

You’re not changing too much. It’s just five pounds.

Exercise more, too. Three times a week, at least. Twenty minutes at a time, cardio. And then strength training. But you have a weird week this week so, you can go an extra day. We’ll just say four days a week, 45 minutes of cardio. You feel like twenty minutes in is when you really start to get going, you know? Don’t forget some low impact stretching like yoga or something after. It’s good to cool down!

It’s healthy! Drink water! Like a lot of water. Carry a full liter of water with you and try to drink it twice. Try to drink it three times if you can.

Do you know how many calories are in a banana? 105. An apple? 95. An orange? 45.

Proteins! An egg has 78 calories. And then all that cholesterol. Burger night tonight, one pound of ground beef is 1,500 calories. The patty, 209 calories. Bun, 190, and carbs too. Sugars straight to my butt, stomach, arms, face.

Bless if you want to put avocado on top. I shouldn’t tell you how many calories are in those green monsters. Good for you, my ass.


Not gonna lose weight this way. 2,000 calories is too much. Cut down. Cut it down.

1,200, don’t go over 1,200. That’s, like, half. 2,000 is so much, does anyone really need all that crap in their bodies? All the refined sugar and processed foods, the fats, and the carbs, and the…extras? 1,200 isn’t unreasonable. Others recommend it.

“Hey, that top looks nice on you!”

“It looks like you lost some weight.”

“Looking good!”

“Damn, girl, share your secret!”

Yes, yes, YES. Tell them about your hard goddamn work and sacrifice. But make it effortless. Roll your eyes and say, “Oh, you know, I just started eating a little healthier and going to the gym a little more.”

Okay. Moment of truth. Get on the scale.

Hell yeah, down three pounds! Doin’ good.

Doin’ good but like. Damn, girl. Still kind of soft around your thighs. Some jiggle in your upper arms. Can you fit your fingers around your wrist? Touch your chin, your collarbones. They aren’t sharp yet.

We can keep this going.

New goal! How about we try a little lower. Let’s try 1,000 calories a day.

Your ground rules: No red meat. No full fats. Old rules still apply. Sneak in more fruits and veggies. But count those calories because they still have them. And the gym 5 days a week. An hour of cardio, 30-45 minutes of weight training. Cooldown/stretching as well.

Good luck with your schoolwork, honey!

Make sure you tell your friends about your new dietary restrictions so that they can have other options when you’re there. Put up with the vegan/vegetarian jokes.

“Damn. You’re not looking so well. Are you alright?”

“Hey is everything okay?”


They’re jealous. Ignore them.

Your clothes don’t fit. Hell yeah! What size are you? Oh. Only dropped a couple? Well, I guess that’s some progress. Okay, we can change the calories. Let’s do max 800. The lower the better. Fast once a week. Plan those for the days you use to catch up on work since you’re not around anyone those days anyway. Let’s make this a real challenge. You vs. you. How low can you get?

Don’t let anyone catch on about your game.

Push food around on your plate to make it look like you’re eating. Tear things up and tuck pieces under stuff that’s already there. Or in napkins and pockets if you have to. Take one bite for their every five. Chew slowly. Talk a lot. You’ve already hit the max you’re willing to go to today.

At pizza night next week, watch them devour slice after slice of all the things you won’t let yourself have. The chewy dough, zesty sauce, melted cheese. All that fat and grease and oil. They laugh and talk and drink from their beer bottles between bites that they don’t count as you sip on your pre-approved water.

Your hand reaches for a slice.

No. Don’t.

The smell is overpowering. The sauce, the cheese. The memories.

You worked too goddamn hard to throw it away for this. Watch them sit around and get fat with those calories that you don’t need.

The first bite is addicting and then you’re hooked. Before you know it, you’ve inhaled 3/4th of the whole large pizza without tasting anything but the first bite.

“Someone was hungry!”

“Should’ve ordered another one, dude!”

“Ha, it’s fine, there’s still an order of wings in the kitchen.”

But no one hears your shameful and guiltily uttered “sorry” as you make your way into the bathroom to check. Pinch your stomach. Your thighs. The tops of your hips, your cheeks. You’re convinced they’re bigger. You fucked up. You went way over your calorie limit and it wasn’t even worth it. Now you’re so full you might explode, you’re consumed with guilt, and you’re fucking pissed.

So how are you going to make it better.

Two fingers down your throat and your face in the toilet usually helps.

Maybe now it’s like it never happened?

You only eat 500 calories a day now. Anything more seems like too much. Your muscles are sore and weak and you’re tired all the time. You change your clothes at least four times every day before eventually leaving the house in leggings and a men’s hoodie three sizes too big. You want to hide.

“We’re just so concerned about you.”

“You need to be in residential for this.”

“This isn’t normal.”

In the shower, your hair comes out in clumps. It clogs the drain. You pretend it’s normal.

You can’t stand the mirror anymore and avoid it at all costs. When you do catch a glimpse at yourself, you see that your face has changed but not in a way that you would’ve hoped. You’re bloated. You feel and look misshapen. A clay molding of a human. You turn away, embarrassed. Disgusted.

But you do weigh yourself daily. In fact, you weight and measure everything now. Calories, cups, tablespoons. Pounds. Your safe foods are limited to chicken, almond milk, oatmeal, fruit, veggies, and yogurt. Everything else makes your heart beat painfully fast in your chest and the backs of your eyes prickle with tears.

The scale hasn’t moved.

And you haven’t felt simultaneously lower or more numb in your life.

Your friends ask you to hang out.

“Please.” They say.

“It might be good for you. We’ll grab lunch.”

You want to say no but you go. You order a salad and you know they are watching you because this was the plan. They babysit your meals now to make sure it gets down and stays down. But you keep your eyes low. You push the contents of your salad bowl around, take a few tentative bites. There’s avocado in this. Your stomach clenches.

“So,” your friend says. “I really want to lose five pounds.”

You look up, finally.

This is how you go belly up.

© Copyright 2020 ClaireWhite. All rights reserved.

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