I'm one fat son of a bitch. I figure I come in around 650, but that's unverified right now. My last weigh-in was 538 about a year and a half ago. I know I've gotten bigger since then, but I don't
have a scale that will go that high and I'm in no hurry to go back to the doctor and be chastised for being myself.
I've always been heavy. "Husky" is what my mom used to say. I remember eating Fruit Loops by the box and loaves of toasted bread with pats of cold butter and grape jelly spread on top. Sausage patty sandwiches on toasted sourdough bread with mustard and American cheese, waxed paper rolls of Ritz crackers with peach yogurt- always peach yogurt, but my favorite was burgers. Even at age 10, I could eat a half dozen in one sitting. I had a great childhood.
Despite my size, I've never had any serious health issues. The only problem that my girth has caused me is a lack of female attention. It's not easy to pick up girls when you're this big. Girls that I like, I mean. I've got a nice face and I know I could do alright with the big girls if I wanted to, but I'm just not attracted to fat women. It's sometimes hard enough to get to my own junk, nevermind trying to find someone else's, too. I've been with a few prostitutes, but even then it takes a special girl to do business with me. Right now there's this girl Judy who has me on her schedule twice a month. She's been coming around for the past 6 months or so. She's great. Beautiful, thin and she really knows how to handle me. I feel like I'm starting to get bored with the same girl all the time, though and her price keeps going up. Soon I'll have to start shopping around for another arrangement, but for now things are pretty good in that area.
All things considered, I'm quite comfortable in all of my skin. Even proud, I'd say.
At my last check up, I found myself at a crossroads. While 538 lbs. is a damn big load of flesh, it's nowhere near epic. I realized that I was basically a middle-of-the-road fat man with little desire to lose the 300 pounds recommended by my doctor. After some soul-searching, I instead decided to go for broke and aim for the 1000 lb. mark. Come hell or high water, I'm going to be a star. Like Robert Earl Hughes or Walter Hudson. Sure, there have been some bigger folks, like Carol Yager at 1600 lbs, and Jon Minnoch at somewhere above 1400 lbs, but with so many ultra-fat players these days, it's not just about girth. You also gotta have a gimmick.
I've read that Robert Hughes was one hell of a nice guy. I can imagine that was to his advantage, but being the man that was buried in a coffin the size of a piano case is what made him a star and why he's still remembered half a century after his death.
I remember seeing Robert Hughes in the Guiness Book of World Records as a kid. That grainy old picture of him standing there in his overalls amazed the hell out of me. Big as a house, yet there he stood with his hands on his hips, looking like he was ready to pull a tree out of the ground. Impressive. They don't make guys like him any more.
Nowadays, most of the extra large folks seem to lay around in bed all the time, like Walter Hudson did back in the 80's. He was the first modern-era celebrity among the extra-large and also the one who set the status quo for most people's perception of the super obese. His gimmick? Those Cherokee braids, which added an air of mystery to an otherwise regular guy from Brooklyn. The media ate him up. Unfortunately, he was a reluctant celebritity and that greatly contributed to his untimely demise.
A few minor players have come and gone since, but they're always bedridden in a room that requires some amount of demolition for them to be removed.
That's not me, though. I think it's time to bring some dignity back to being super fat, so I'm going to be a Robert Hughes style big man. A roll-up-my-sleeves kind of guy who takes care of business with a smile and a firm handshake. I've even been saving money for the past year so I can afford to have some nice clothing tailored for myself when I reach 4 digits. Swaddling myself in king size bed sheets isn't my style and there certainly isn't much dignity in it.
That's the key to my success, and that's my gimmick. No pity and no shame, just me proudly being the biggest man I can be. One day, when I'm buried in my own piano case, I want the world to know that I broke the mold. They just aren't going to make guys like me anymore...
© Copyright 2016 Clay. All rights reserved.
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