Hello, Goodbye, Farewell

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
A true, tragic story of young love.

Submitted: August 01, 2012

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Submitted: August 01, 2012




Hello, Goodbye, Farewell
People keep asking me how my love life is going.  I guess it’s normal to ask this kind of crap in high school, it seems to be all anyone ever cares about.  I hate it because I never really know how to answer.  Maybe it’s because as a teenager I feel like I should have more of a love life.  Maybe it’s more than that; I’m in such a weird predicament that it’s just embarrassing to admit.  It’s stupid, and I know it is, but I don’t know what it is about this damn girl, that makes me keep going back for more.  I don’t mean that in a sexual way.  In fact we’ve been “seeing” each other, if I can even call it that, for maybe a year or so and I’ve only managed to fondle her breasts and slip my fingers under her pants.  For some that might be enough, but I’m a horndog.
What’s outright preposterous and plain idiotic is me.  I’m in the 11th grade now, I’ve known her since 9th grade.  Actually, I caught a glimpse of her in the summer going into grade 9, initially not knowing her.  The ironic thing is I’m usually very shallow and picky about the girls I am attracted to, but in this case she was nothing special.  Don’t get me wrong, as I got to know her she turned out to be quite a character, but physically she wasn’t anything special, in my eyes at least.  The first time I laid eyes on her she had straight, brown hair that went down 3 or 4 inches below her shoulders.  She wore tight, blue, skinny jeans with a studded belt and some kind of skater shoes.  She was fairly slender with slight curves, about 5’6” in height, average looking and not particularly endowed well.  And yet something drew me to her.  Maybe it was the fact that I couldn’t figure out what the hell kind of ethnicity she was (I later found out she is half Chinese and half white).
At first I thought that I’d never see her after that summer.  Her younger sister went to the summer camp I was volunteering at and she picked her up everyday.  Odd coincidence, we ended up going to the same high school.  It was her home high school while I chose to go to a school away from all the people I knew in hopes of starting academically anew. Kind of weird how life plays out sometimes but the whole academically anew crap didn’t go so well for the first two years of high school, we won’t get into it.
Her and I became acquaintances in 9th grade through a mutual “friend”.  Him and I were friends but he had a crush on her while she knew and didn’t feel the same way which made things awkward.  She always meant to let him down easy but he never got the hint.  Not wanting to get in the way of his little crush I did nothing.  It also didn’t help that we had nothing in common, classes or friends, so conversations over MSN were quite dry.  Not to mention she got a boyfriend around September or October so we stopped talking and I moved on.  Or so I thought.
For the rest of the school year and the summer break going into grade 10 we did not speak to each other once, I almost forgot about her and I’m sure she did the same to me.   Grade 10 came around and we happened to be in the same history class, so I thought sweet!  Now’s my chance to really befriend her and see if anything can happen between us all the while hoping she was single now.  Surely enough we did get closer.  She was with someone but it didn’t last long.  It started off as chatting during class, then walking to our lockers together after class, which turned into exchanging phone numbers, followed by random texts, to frequent texts, and then phone calls which by then had made us very good friends.
Sounds like I’m about to lead up to AND THEN I WAS FRIENDZONED.  Not quite.  To put it lightly, she enjoyed being under the influence of several types of drugs.  She was an avid drinker, smoked frequently, and had liberal views on sex and number of partners.  Now normally a girl like this would turn me off completely, but not her.  Why?  Your guess is as good as mine.  Maybe it’s because we got along so well.  Maybe it was something else.  Later on in our “relationship” we would agree that there was definitely some connection we had shared with each other since that first time we had acknowledged each other’s existences in summer camp.
At any rate, I somewhat had conflicting feelings for this girl but I had met another girl outside of school and we began dating in January of my sophomore year in high school.  That was a bad mistake on so many levels.  Not only was this girl clingy, possessive, jealous, and immature, but my feelings for druggy girl hadn’t really faded away, even while I was with crazy (I always laugh at the fact that both druggy and crazy had the same name).  It got worse when my short-lived relationship with crazy girl was coming to an end because I had less of an urge to be with her and which made me less inclined to feel bad about hurting her (in the form of cheating).  It didn’t help that druggy girl would constantly flirt with me and give physical signs of attraction.  She did not know how to dress and she usually came to school in sweat pants and baggy t-shirts that made her look sloppy but god damn she turned me on regardless.  Maybe it’s because I knew she loved sex.  I still remember this one time when she was walking in front of me and she purposely stopped without me knowing and bent over so that I accidentally humped her butt.  I embarrassingly popped an instant chubby!
Needless to say crazy chick didn’t stay my girlfriend very long, although she crept back into my life, to my displeasure, a couple times after our relationship ended.  As I was single again my attention reverted back to druggy. I knew there was something there, everyone else saw it, but I’ve always been shy and had never asked a girl out because of this prevalent deficiency of mine.  Truth be told 16 years old was the first time I dated and kissed anyone, both with crazy.  Pretty pathetic for a horndog eh?
Anyway, we stayed close friends, talking all the time, and the next step was to say something, hang out with her outside of school, have sex!  None of that happened.  She was interested in another other guy after he made a rap song about her (lame!).  I surprisingly didn’t take it too bad because I knew it was my fault, I never said anything.  But she knew!  Either way we were still friends and well, that friendship changed, gradually. 
She started dating rapper dude but she quickly started regretting it (I think it was because he was too clingy or something like that.  Honestly I’d say it was because he was ugly, stupid, and looked like he was always dirty and smelly, but what do I know?)  As that was happening we started hanging out every so often, behind her then boyfriend’s back.  We didn’t actually do much but technically it was still cheating.  At the time I hated the guy so much because I felt like he stole her from me so I didn’t give a fuck!
Grade 11 came around and we were closer than ever.  We hadn’t hung out that much over the summer but the times that we did were fun, and crazy.  I remember one time I met up with her at her place early in the afternoon, I believe her and rapper dude had broken up by then, maybe not, I didn’t care either way.  Since she was a heavy drinker, and because she got me into drinking, we drank, a lot.  We were at a park and it was just us and I distinctly remember her showing me her contrasting complexions from stomach to just under her waist.  Initially I beat myself up for not ripping her jeans off but in hindsight it’s good I didn’t get too physical with her.  Besides holding each other, we did very innocent stuff, and that’s only because you can’t do much when you’re yakking your guts out.  This was probably the second time I had drank in my life.  Not knowing anything about alcohol, and expecting to have my shirt off in her bed I didn’t eat anything but a bagel for breakfast so I drank more than I should’ve on a nearly empty stomach.  The fun quickly ended for us and I was having trouble walking.  She steered me under a tree and told me to lie down and just as fast as I lay down I passed out.  When I woke up, maybe an hour or two later, I saw her pretty face smile at me and ask if I had gotten enough beauty rest.  I was burning! She had a sweater over me because I was shivering in my sleep, I thought that was really sweet of her.  But what really made me realize she cared about me was while I was sleeping she called her friend over for company and they were hanging out while I was sleeping and her friend suggested taking my money and ditching me.  She told her to fuck off, and told me all this.  I checked when I left her and sure enough all my money was there.
This definitely wouldn’t be the last time this girl would put me through some hell.  Oh no, that was only the beginning.
In grade 11 we didn’t have any classes together but we were almost inseparable, sort of.  We tried to see each other as much as we could but since we had our own, distinct friends at school it was always after school.  Again we didn’t do much, just hang out and enjoy each other’s company.  Things seemed to be going well.  I must say a lot of it is a blur now but I know there was a moment when I undoubtedly had her cheat on rapper dude.  No sex, but leading up to it.  Either way it was wrong but god did it ever feel good.  She didn’t like the guy much and I don’t know why she couldn’t just end things with him.  To save her from feeling bad about being unfaithful she’d always have us drink so that her drunken state would rid her of any guilt she knew she’d feel.  Classy.
Even though we never had sex we were pretty ballsy with the stuff we did.  Once I was over at her place and we were in the TV room while her mom was just 10 or 15 feet away in her office working.  Her mom yelled to tell us it was time for me to go and as druggy got up to lead me to the front door I pulled her onto my lap and well, it took some time before I headed out.  I have to add that I’d never have done it without the liquid courage, even though I was fairly comfortable around her.
Another time she was over at my place and we were in the living room.  My younger brother and sister were downstairs while my parents were both at work but my dad would’ve been coming home soon.  She was sitting on my lap while we were fooling around, her top off and her breasts in my face when she heard fumbling keys while someone tried to open the front door.  We were pretty drunk and I was still new to drinking so I didn’t hear anything.  If she hadn’t heard and then quickly got off my lap, put her shirt back on and fixed her and my hair, my dad would’ve walked in on us and I definitely would’ve had my ass handed to me on a silver platter, maybe hers too, although I wouldn’t have minded that.  It would not have been good, but this girl had me doing things like this, and I loved it.  All this while she was still with rapper dude, and I allowed it.
She came back to my place on another occasion with my whole family home but we had the basement to ourselves.  Besides my parents coming down once to ask if we wanted food, we were left alone for a good couple hours.  She, to my naïve surprise, brought a bottle of Bacardi gold over and we played drunken rock band until, well, we wanted to play something else.  Drunk out of my mind and being crazy about her I still didn’t have sex with her, even though I had the chance.  It was getting heated, she pulled my shirt off and I had her down to her underwear.  We hesitantly stopped, not knowing where to go next.  She said to get a condom but I said it was all the way up in my room.  This obviously was a bullshit excuse, I could’ve ran up, gotten it, and finally lost my virginity to a crazy girl I was into, but I didn’t.  Maybe it’s because I didn’t want to walk by my parents while I was piss drunk, or maybe something subconsciously stopped me, telling me it’s not a good idea.  Maybe I got turned off after I had gone down on her and she smelt bad.  But I still had feelings for her.  This might’ve been about the time things started to change again.
I never doubted how much she cared for me back then.  I remember Valentine’s Day in grade 11, we were talking about our plans.  She made prior arrangements to see her boyfriend and so we wouldn’t be able to see each other the day of.  We compromisingly had to see each other the day before or the day after.  The fact that she scheduled us around him bothered but I guess she didn’t have much of a choice.  Did she?  Either way, it was fine for me at the time.  The thrill of sneaking around added to the fun and excitement of our unconventional relationship.  Even when my friends would ask me (which was a recurring instance) “So what’s going on with you and her?”, I’d simply reply, “Nothing, we’re just friends.”
More to Valentine’s Day however; I remember asking her what she was going to get rapper dude, she said “Nothing.”  For some dumb reason I was baffled, I asked her why and she told me she didn’t see a reason to.  She didn’t like him much and she knew full well that getting back with him was an act of impulse out of desperation and loneliness.  Instead of getting her boyfriend something she got me a Valentine’s Day card and in it she poured her heart out to me.  I remember loving that card, and her.  I still have the damned thing.  She couldn’t have picked out a better card.  On the front and one of the folds inside it read:
When the winds of change come, stirring things up in our lives, friendship is what steadies us.  And you’ve steadied me time and again.  You’ve helped me find a peaceful state of mind just by listening and assuring me that this, too, will pass.  You’ve hung in there with me when things have come up that took time away from our friendship.  You haven’t judged me when I’ve gotten slightly [or drastically] off course, and you’ve celebrated with me when things were set right again.  
Though we don’t always know what’s going to happen tomorrow, it feels good to know one thing for sure --- we’ll always be there for each other, we’ll always be friends.
Diana Manning
On the back it said “Between you and me.”  This card meant so much because it was true in so many ways, our relationship was for us to understand, share, and enjoy.  And not to toot my own horn but I tried my best to always be there for her.  This would have been more than enough for me.  The card’s author’s words made me feel appreciated and realize that my actions were never in vain.  Nothing I did went unnoticed.
She wasn’t done there though.  On top of what the card already had, she wrote a lengthy message of her own:
“When I’m with somebody, all I think about is you.  When I’m all alone that’s all I wanna do”
And we both know I’ve already told you I like to think about you and what I wanna do you to ;P
To my dearest Shawnny,
So this card pretty much says it all… I couldn’t have put it any better.  It’s like it was written about you.  Such a sweetheart.  Yes it’s been kind of rough, and screwed up, but everything has turned out well.  You mean so much to me, such an important person in my life.  Without you here who knows where I’d be.  Lost!  That’s for sure.  You keep me well-grounded.  Just thinking about you puts a smile on my face.
Our friendship has progressed and what we have is special.  It’s so hard to get you outta my damn system, but I love it.  And I love you.  Always have, always will.
We have so many memories, and I plan on making more.  I have big plans for you  and me.  Nobody needs to know *wink*  I don’t know what it is, but I’m hooked, like reading a good book.  Haha I’m so funny right?
I hope that this little Valentine’s card touches you like it touched me [it did].
Oh yeah, we’re hanging out at least once a week, deal? Deal!  You bring you and I got what you want ;P  Anytime baby <3
Don’t worry I’ll take good care of you.
Love always,
Yours forever,
Sammy <3
This damned thing meant so much to me.  Up until her I’d never felt this way about anyone.  It sucks how unconventional our relationship had to be.
Things were got better.  She finally broke up with rapper dude, and we were still hanging out regularly, fooling around every so often.  I’d liked her for so long and I knew I still had feelings for but remember I was always shy and had never asked a girl out, and so I never asked her either.  That’s right, crazy girl asked me out when I was 16, not the other way around, did I mention she was a year younger?  I’m pathetic I know.
One morning, while druggy and I were texting just as we had both woken up for school she asked me something that I was not ready for.  At this point we had been doing what we had been doing for so long I just assumed it wasn’t going to change and I’d gotten used to it.  I also knew that even though we might have had some sort of “relationship” I was not the only guy she was fooling around with.  One time she told me herself that her ex from grade 9 had come over and they ended up sleeping together.  I pretended like it didn’t matter.  This again is my own fault, had I made it official maybe she wouldn’t have done it.  She technically had no obligation to me and it’s my fault, I don’t even know why we never talked about it.  She knew I liked her, I knew she liked me, we had admitted it to each other so what was wrong?  Maybe it was the things she was into, which I despised to no end.  I always tried to steer her away from it all but nothing ever worked.
Back to the morning, she told me over text that she thought it was time to take our relationship to the next step, become official.  Not expecting this I said the worst thing possible, “oh, well, uh.. I kinda like how things are going right now… Don’t you?”  I not only turned down the girl I’d been so infatuated with for so long, I said I’d rather be friends with benefits.  I’d regret that, indefinitely.
She didn’t reply to the text, and initially I didn’t anything of it.  When I got to school one of our mutual friends told me I was so stupid and that’s when I got it.  Immediately I began to apologize to her and ask her to come meet me, but no replies.  There was a fire drill at school and I caught her with a bunch of her friends, usually I’d have never done it but I just ran to her halfway through a conversation and asked her if we could talk, she simply replied “I’m busy, I’m with my friends” and glared at me while her friends did the same.  I felt guilty, stupid, ashamed, and regretful.  But that was not the end of it.  I finally got a chance to talk to her during third period, I skipped class because I wanted to try and fix what I had messed up so badly.  I was on the verge of tears, in the company of a couple friends who up until then saw me as a confident, sometimes arrogant, funny guy who was always a jerk before a prissy emotional wreck.  All the apologies in the world would not change a thing.  I had hurt her, and she was angry, she hardly spoke to me.  She didn’t even glance at me once.  I would try holding her hand and she’d slap me away, in front of friends, who’d never seen me in such a state of vulnerability.  This is what I’d become, because of this girl.
It was a horrible feeling and for the first time I felt like my life was over.  It only got worse.  After that we didn’t talk for about a week.  By then it was exam period so I was too busy trying to forget about her and just worry about not failing.  She randomly messaged me asking if we could talk.  I was a sap, and I was desperate, I was hurt and I’d lost my backbone so I said yes hoping for some good news.  If only I hadn’t been so naïve.  I never asked girls out and she never chased guys.  As a girl she was used to being approached and for once she had found a guy worth chasing, and I turned her down.  I was stupid.  She wanted to talk to me to tell me that after we had our fallout her and rapper dude had started talking again, he was there for her, consoled her about me, and by now I saw this one coming, they got back together.  I was hurt, crushed, so angry, that I just sat there speechless, I’m never speechless.  I had come there before an exam, forgetting about studying , being so happy to finally see her only to have my heart ripped out, stomped on, and broken into a million pieces.  I didn’t talk much after that.  She asked me if I was ok and without giving her eye contact I said “Yeah, I’m fine” in a sullen monotone a few times.  She asked if it was alright for her to leave with her boyfriend and I didn’t contest.  She left and I went into my backpack, pulled out a notepad, and starting writing.  This was when I was into rapping and the emotions that overcame me, forcing me to write what I was feeling right then and there.  I eventually made a song of it, I liked it a lot, the beat, the lyrics, being angry.  I liked it a lot.
Not too long after that she messaged me again.  It was on MSN.  She had a picture of her and her old boyfriend who was now her new boyfriend as her display picture but quickly changed it when I answered her.  I appreciated that.  To my surprise she was quick to tell me she messaged me solely to tell me she missed me.  After dealing with all the emotional ups and downs in such a small amount of time I lost myself and gave in to my heart’s desire.  I missed her too and told her life without her was one of the shittiest experiences I’d dealt with.  I showed her the song I made and she told me she liked it and that she was sorry.  We pretty much went back to how we were before; she still didn’t break up with her boyfriend however.  You’d think that’d be a sign for me.
I know, I’m an ass and I should’ve made her choose.  Better yet, I should’ve told her to take a hike.  After all the crap, being put through hell and back, something about this chick still kept me coming back for more.  She had me wrapped around her little finger and there was nothing I could do about it, and I didn’t want it any other way.  Maybe I liked the abuse.
As we kept hanging out I started slowly getting tired of her.  She wasn’t changing her ways.  She always told me she would stop with the drugs but I should’ve known she wouldn’t.  She never admitted what she was doing was wrong, but I had unjustified hope.  She told me what I wanted to hear just to shut me up, and it worked.  The sad part is I really believed I could change her life around for the better.  God was I stupid.
Finally the breaking point came when she got into a car accident while driving drunk.  It was all her fault but she got badly injured.  She had trouble walking for a while.  Instead of being there for her I bitched at her for not being mature and responsible.  I told her she wasn’t going anywhere in life and that she was being useless and stupid.  I still regret the malicious way I handled it, even thought I know I shouldn’t.  I couldn’t help it though, I had enough of her shit.  I had grown weary and I couldn’t deal with her anymore.  She hated me after that.
Grade 12 came around and I didn’t see much of her.  I was scared to see her or talk to her because I knew I had ruined things, on good reason but that didn’t matter to me or her.  Her younger sister, who I knew from summer camp, used to be fond of me because her sister would speak of me in high regards.  If we passed by each other we would exchange friendly greetings but after what had happened in the summer going into gr.12, she hated me just as much as her sister did, maybe even more.
I can’t remember how, but luckily (for me at the time) we started talking again.  Just talking.  It was some time before prom.  She had moved to another school and was going to rehab apparently.  I was proud of her, though she would tell me she would fall back into her old ways every now and then.  I didn’t care, I was happy we were friends again.  I remember this one awkward moment when the topic of prom came up.  Back in 10th grade we had promised each other that no matter what, we’d be each other’s dates for prom.  To both our dismay, that didn’t happen.  I got a girlfriend on May 24th during senior year who again, didn’t go to my school (she was actually former best friends with crazy chick; crazy chick introduced me to her not knowing I’d date her).  I actually didn’t like her all that much, I was just scared to turn her down.  Maybe her attraction to me made me attracted to her but she ruined prom for me.  Two girls asked me to prom and I had to turn them down because my girlfriend couldn’t come to prom on such short notice since seating and limo arrangements had already been organized.  One of the girls that asked me to prom was one of the hottest girls in our grade too!  Probably because she was a huge ho-bag but still!  To make matters worse druggy came back into the picture, to my delight, but I had to break our agreement, which broke my heart because I honestly that we would have held it.  She wanted to go with me too but since she didn’t have much friends when she was at my school she felt it’d be awkward to ride in the same limo as all my friends and sit around people she didn’t like.  At the time I would’ve loved to have gone with her but alas, life didn’t play it out in my favour.
We stayed friends but we had drifted further and further apart.  By the time I graduated and summer came around, we talked once every few months.  What made matters worse was even though I knew she wasn’t right for me, I couldn’t shake old feelings off.  Probably because we never got a real chance.  It’s one of those ‘want what you can’t have’ things. 
She actually got back with the guy she was dating when I first became acquaintances with her in grade 9.  This is the same guy she slept with that one summer while we were “seeing” each other.  They’re still together now.  They’re engaged.  He moved to another city because he got a job there, and she moved in with him.  They got tattoos of each other’s names on their chests too.  Seems like she’s in love.  Apparently he’s the only guy she’s never cheated on, and since she’s gotten back with him she’s turned her life around.  She’s stopped the smoking, drugs, and drinking altogether.  Good for her.  I’m proud of her and happy she found someone that she could stop all that shit for because it wasn’t doing her any good.  I can’t deny I had always thought I’d be the guy to turn her life around.  I used to think to myself all the time, wondering what was it about me that made her choose him.
Even though all the evidence is there for me to know that we weren’t right together, I had always regretted never trying.  It was the worst when we’d talk after long periods of time.  I still remember she texted me while I was at work, that was the first time we’d spoken since I cussed her out about getting her life together.  I still wonder why she texted me. She was with the guy who would soon become her fiancé so she wasn’t lonely.  Maybe she missed me.  I still missed her.  She asked me how I was.  I had deleted her number off my phone but I still recognized that it was her.  To feel a sense of dominance, I replied “Sorry, who is this?”  She took it well, she shouldn’t have been surprised.  Every time we spoke to each other, the few times that we would, I always got old feelings rushing back and it was almost as if it were old times again.  Almost.
A day or two before she was going to move away with her fiancé for good, she was still in town while he’d already moved to get settled for work.  Her and I and another friend were supposed to hang out as a goodbye/farewell celebration of some sort.  Her and I made plans because this was the last time we see or speak to each other.  Her fiancé knew about me, and our past, and he didn’t want her to have any contact with any of the guys she had history with.  She surprisingly was going to abide by it but thought she could get away with this one last meet up because he was out of town.
She told me she was nervous to see me because she knew herself enough that the moment she saw me she’d get giddy and flirty with me, mirroring our days of high school.  I pretended like I didn’t enjoy the idea but I missed it all.  At this brief time she could text me just until she left to live with her fiancé because here he couldn’t check her phone from a different city.  Once she moved I knew she’d delete all our messages, as if we never spoke with each other, as if I never existed.  She would erase her past with me to start a new beginning with him, a beginning without me.
When she first got unofficially engaged she made me promise I’d be at the wedding.  I wholeheartedly agreed.  As weird as it was she was still my friend, and it was a cause for celebration so I didn’t want to disappoint.  After she told me about her fiancé’s demands about ignoring the guys of her past, however, we never talked about her wedding again.  We both knew I wasn’t going to be there.  Shittiest part of all, the last day before she left we didn’t end up seeing each other.  She bailed the last minute forcing us to cancel our plans.  To this day I contemplate every now and then why she decided to bail, so abruptly.  My ego tells me she was scared of cheating on her fiancé.  If that’s so, I’m proud of her.  I told her plenty of times she seemed so mature and changed.  She seemed to have such a different and positive outlook on life and I was happy for her, strictly as a friend.  I had seen the changes she’d made, and if it was because of her fiancé, then she made the right decision.
That was the last time I spoke to her.  I can’t even remember if we said goodbye.  I’m sure we did, I know she still cared about me in some form, but I don’t remember.  Maybe I blocked it out of recollection because it doesn’t matter anymore.  Maybe..
I still haven’t forgiven her for anything, I never will.  I have gotten over it all however.  More than anything though I miss her friendship.  Through all the shit, we were good friends more often than not.  I cared about her and had her best interests in mind and I know she did the same for me.  I’m not sad or angry, I believe everything happens for a reason, so there’s no sense in losing my head over it.  I guess I just revisit it now because I wish things had gone differently.  That we could’ve at least stayed friends and I wouldn’t have to lose her completely.  But I know that it’s not possible anymore.

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