Whatever the crowd surrounding the ring tonight lacked in attendance, they were certainly making up for when it came to enthusiasm and excitement. Everybody began to clam simultaneously as they awaited the gods of the four sided circle. Once the first wrestler’s music began to blare from the speakers surrounding the suburban backyard and echoed throughout the neighborhood the crowd erupted at an ear piercing frequency like a stadium in the time of roman gladiators.
From behind the black curtain behind the entrance ramp leading to the ring came a man wearing a black sleeveless t-shirt barely hiding a beer belly and jeans. In one hand he had a kendo stick, his weapon of choice and in the other hand he had a freshly opened beer can that he then proceeded to chug to the audience’s applause and smash repeatedly over his forehead until blood ran down his face. This man was known to hardcore fans of wrestling as The Sandman.
In the heyday of Extreme Championship Wrestling there was no wrestler as popular or loved as The Sandman. The Sandman had the traditional “fuck you, I’m going to do what I want whether you like it or not” attitude that ECW fans loved and adopted. The only things The Sandman cared about were beer and making his opponents suffering. He was and still is what every rebellious young man wanted to be.
As The Sandman entered the ring and awaited the arrival of his secret opponent he opened up another beer and smashed the can over his head spraying beer out into the audience. Most fans wore the beer as a badge of armor although there were a few girls who weren’t expecting to be drenched soaking wet like they just saw Channing Tatum in his birthday suit. The Sandman found one unsuspecting female and poured beer down her cleavage and motor boated her breasts like a drunken frat boy. The girl hesitated at first but was no match for denying a legend like The Sandman.
Once The Sandman got back in the ring Bad Medicine by Bon Jovi began to blare over the speakers. The Sandman looked around in confusion wondering if he was actually on an episode of Punk’D and Ashton Kutcher was going to show up wearing some douchebag trucker hat. Once he saw similar looks of confusion on the fans and even the guys who put the show together he realized this was some wrestler’s actual choice of ring entrance music and began to feel confident.
Out from behind the black curtain came a man (if you wanted to call him that) with a hideously deformed face and body, the best way to describe this creation was a walking micro waved Snickers bar. In one hand this thing was holding a mop and in the other a rather large garbage can sized can labeled Toxic Waste. Mocking The Sandman’s ring entrance he chugged the can of Toxic Waste and then lifting it over his head with both arms began smashing it over his head although instead of blood, steam began to slowly ooze out. The Sandman might have been intimidated had the freak not been wearing a burned up tutu. The ring announcer refered to the freak as The Toxic Avenger, the first superhero from New Jersey.
When The Toxic Avenger came into the ring The Sandman noticed that he was a foot taller than The Toxic Avenger. The Sandman as usual being far too drunk to be intimidated or care whipped his kendo stick at the Toxic Avenger’s kneecaps and didn’t stop until The Toxic Avenger was on the floor of the ring crying like someone who had just wasted their afternoon and money watching Les Miserables.
After a few repeated beatings with the kendo stick across the back, The Toxic Avenger began to slowly stand up looking into The Sandman’s eyes with a look of anger and hatred boiling inside of him similar to when Hulk Hogan would “hulk up” in his heyday. The Sandman thrown off by the speedy recovery began to beat The Toxic Avenger more and more but it didn’t seem to do any damage. The Sandman beat The Toxic Avenger with all his strength and watched helplessly as the kendo stick snapped in two over The Toxic Avenger’s shoulders. The Toxic Avenger dusted the remains of the kendo stick off of his shoulders and once again began to stare down The Sandman.
The Sandman at one point began to actually consider the thought of running for his life out of the ring and backyard before his life was ended. Unfortunately he had taken too much time considering the thought and was thrown into the turnbuckles on the other side of the ring face first. Sadly The Sandman actually pissed his jeans mid-air as he looked at the turnbuckle that would make his face look like he just went to Applebees with Chris Brown.
The Sandman began to stumble around the ring holding his fists up asking for The Toxic Avenger to give him more. The Toxic Avenger laughed at The Sandman’s desperation and how much his face resembled Rocky Balboa’s.
The Toxic Avenger in a successful attempt to get the crowd on his side gave The Sandman a few traditional Flair Chops to the chest and even a few German Suplexes. After the traditional wrestling moves it was time for The Toxic Avenger to end this match with a style Rhyno would approve of, GORE GORE GORE!!!
The Toxic Avenger stood on one side of the ring and began to literally beg for The Sandman to get on his feet. After getting impacient The Toxic Avenger announced how a fan was giving out free beer and The Sandman sprang to his feet like somebody said there was an all you can fuck buffet within hearing distance of Kristen Stewart. The Toxic Avenger charged and speared The Sandman so hard that his torso disconnected from the bottom part of his body and flew out into the audience right into the hands of one lucky fan. The Toxic Avenger looked at the blood and intestines on the floor of the ring and grabbed his mop and didn’t stop moping until every spot and piece of The Sandman was gone. The crowd chanted “TOXY TOXY” for hours and The Toxic Avenger drank so much free beer that night he felt like Amanda Bynes behind the wheel.
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