Short excerpt from "A day in the life of a Spider Spazing Freak"

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
"A day in the life of a Spider Spazing Freak" is a series of hilarious, true accounts of one woman's Achilles heel...her fear of Spiders. She has written, and named the many forms of Spider Spazing Techniques, and describes each one in detail. A Spider Spazing 101..anyone suffering from Aracanaphobia will love this, and find that in the world of Aracanaphobia...you are not alone.

Submitted: October 23, 2014

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Submitted: October 23, 2014

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\"A day in the life of a Spider Spazing Freak\" By Colleen Rankin Wheeler There are few thing's in this life that I am sure of and know to be the absolute truth. And since the list of what I do know is so much smaller than what I dont know.. that's where I shall start. First, what I do know. I know I don't like spiders. Second, I am a spaz. When you combine these two winning attributes you wind up with ME. A Spider spazing Freak! I know that I am not alone with this affliction, because it has a name. Aracanaphobia. See? A big, full bodied word. A word that when shortened can be used in such really cool sentences like, \" Hand me my Raid please, this Spider is an aracnaphobs worst nightmare\"! A word that sounds like an affliction that comes with menopause. One of those words that if you should confide in your closest of friends they would gasp, hold your hand, show concern and even send you flowers the next day. It's not that I am saying spiders are bad, never think it. It's just that spiders and I don't get along. They don't like my music, I don't like their web's, they spew silk, I spray Raid, it just gets ugly. Over the course of my life I have encountered many spiders. Many of these encounters, unfortunately for me, have taken place in public places, such as the mall, at work, my yard while the neighbors watched! Over the course of the years I have written down, in detail what I have come to call \" Spider spazing Techniques\". A Spider spazing 101 if you will. You see, every spider is different. Therefore, every spaz is different, and because they are all unique, you will find they take on a story all their own. I believe life is too short NOT to find the humor in every aspect of life. This includes our worst fears, and much to my ever living embarrassment, every story written here... is true. Such is the case of, \" A lovely Spring Day”…. It’s a lovely spring day. The sun is bright, the breeze is warm, birds are chirping, flowers are blooming. A time for planting, gardening, and BBQ with friends. All of nature is awake. And unfortunately for this woman writing this story, so are the spiders! In my life time I have seen some spiders. Big ones, little ones, Black ones, Brown ones, and the occasional White one. Today however, I saw the King. No, NOT elvis. The King of all spiders. A spider that could scare a Pit Bull off a meat wagon! If there were a spider underworld, HE would be “Scarface”. I was planting flowers next to the house, and was down on all fours covered in potting soil. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a large dark mass moving slowly not more than 10 inches from my head! I turned and came face to face with HIM! Now here is where the different forms of ” Spider spazing” happens. First, just for a moment, I went into ” Spider Shock Syndrome”. A little like ” Toxic Shock Syndrome” without that time of the month. Anyway, I felt feverish, light-headed, and nauseated. Then a touch of the ” Holy S@#T” spaz kicked in. I sucked in mass quantities of air, jumped backwards, and had a very obscene word fly out of my mouth. This is when the ” Crab Crawl spaz” took full effect. I started crab crawling backwards, never taking my eyes off of ” IT”. A steady stream of obscenities was flowing out of my mouth as I crawled, bringing ME to the attention of my neighbor and his children. One big head and three little heads stared over the fence, mouths open watching me as I spazed! With my heart pounding, the neighbors children traumatized, I declared yard work FINISHED! As for the rest of this lovely spring day, I am indoors watching “I love Lucy”, and THAT is where THIS redhead plans on staying! ( I will be heading to Home Depo for an assortment of pesticides tomorrow)


© Copyright 2020 colleenkelly. All rights reserved.

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