Sob Story Episode 5

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Andrew, Greg, and Heather go to the art museum. What could possibly go wrong?

Submitted: April 09, 2014

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Submitted: April 09, 2014

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Sob story Episode 5

Art-piss-tic

 

FADE IN:

 

SET: SWIRLY SWAllOW YOGURT. A YOGURT SHOP WITH VAGUE SEXUAL UNDERTONES THAT ONLY A PERVERT WOULD NOTICE. LIKE “HOOTERS”, BUT YOGURT SHOP THEMED.

 

SCENE:ANDREW AND HEATHER SITTING AT A TABLE EATING FROYO. A CLOWN THAT LOOKS LIKE HE WALKED OUT OF A SOFTCORE PORNO WALKS UP TO THEM.

 

 

CLOWN. Do you know Jesus?

 

ANDREW. [Slightly annoyed] Yes, now leave us alone.

 

ClOWN. I sense an evil spirit in you!

[Weird tribal chanting]

 

ANDREW.[Slightly creeped out] [More annoyed] Beat it weirdo.

 

HEATHER. [Stern] [Annoyed] [Nicely] Please leave. He said he knows Jesus.

 

CLOWN. [More weird chanting]

 

just then the clown slaps the ice cream cone out of Andrew's hand and hands him a dildo.

 

Andrew.[Yells] What da fuk, Bastard!

 

Clown.[Perfectly normal] you have been cured, use that to get closer to Jesus. [Points at the dildo]

 

ANDREW.[Yells] I will show you how close I can get!

 

Andrew Slaps the clown with dildo so hard it knocks him out.

 

HEATHER. [Frozen and speechless]

As are all the guests at the froyo place.

 

ANDREW.[Yells] That's what you get when you mess with my yogurt, Be-itch!

 

Someone has called the police.

 

Andrew hears the police  sirens  and decides it's time to leave. He grabs Heather by the wrist and tries to leave, but a police officer is blocking the exit.

 

ANDREW. Good afternoon officer.

 

POLICE OFFICER. You're coming with me sir. Somebody get that crazy ass, shroom clown.

 

ANDREW. gets in the  back of the police car with the clown who is still knocked out. Halfway there the clown wakes up.

 

CLOWN. do you know Buddha?

Take this condom to get closer to him.

 

ANDREW.[desperately] Oh God, not again!

 

TIME SKIP: Police station.

Heather is waiting there .

 

HEATHER. [Loudly] Oh my God! Honey, are you OK.

 

ANDREW. Besides being given sexual products to get me closer to deities I'm fine.

 

The clown jumps out of the car and tries to make a run for it before being tased.

 

HEATHER. That clown looks wasted or stoned!

 

ANDREW. Trust me he is both.

 

Police Officer. You're free to go sir, we don't want you around the clown. He has lost it!

 

ANDREW.[Sarcastically] Well thanks for letting me ride all the way here with him then!

 

POLICE OFFICER. We still don't know if you're innocent.

We will call you after we review the footage.

 

Just as Andrew is leaving the clown pulls as banana out of his pocket and makes obscene gestures with it,

before he is tasered again.

 

TIME SKIP- NEXT DAY-APARTMENT-LIVING ROOM

 

HEATHER. A new art museum opened recently.

 

ANDREW. Oh cool, we should go.

 

HEATHER. Why don't you invite Greg?

 

ANDREW.[Hesitant] I don't know. Remember what happened last time.

 

FLASHBACK:

 

ANDREW. There was this.

 

Greg. Wow all the naked statues got great boobs,

And look at dat ass!

 

ANDREW.And this.

 

Greg. Cool a giant penis!!! It's almost as big as yours Andrew!

 

ANDREW. And let's not forget.

 

Greg. Oh my gosh!

Look at her vagina!

 

END FLASHBACK:

 

HEATHER. I see your point, but that was a long time ago when you were teenagers. He has grown up now.

 

ANDREW. If you really want him to come I guess he can.

 

Just then the police call. Andrew answers the phone

 

POLICE OFFICER. Mister Sob, after looking at the footage we can see your actions were in self defense, but we are still going to fine you for the incident.

 

ANDREW. I understand Officer.

 

POLICE OFFICER. Good day.[Click]

 

Andrew Hangs up the phone

 

HEATHER. was that the Police Station?

 

ANDREW. Yes, they are going to fine me for hitting the clown with a dildo.

 

HEATHER. Well at least you're not going to jail.

Call Greg and invite him to the museum.

 

Andrew Picks up the phone and dials Greg's number.

 

Greg answers.

 

GREG . Hi Andy, what's up?

 

ANDREW. Want to come to the art museum with us?

 

GREG. You told me you would never go to an art museum again after what happened last time.

 

ANDREW. I know, but Heather wants you to come.

 

GREG. OK, I'll be there in 20 minutes.

Andy, I saw you on the news again, hitting a guy with a dildo. It looks kinda like mine, so I made sure you didn't steal mine.

 

ANDREW.[offended] TMI dude!

 

GREG. Sorry, I am sure that bastard did something to deserve it. Anyway be there in 20 mins, bye.

 

ANDREW. hangs up the phone.

 

HEATHER. Is Greg coming?

 

ANDREW. He said he would be here in 20 minutes

 

After Greg arrives, they all get in the car and start driving to the museum.

 

IN THE CAR

 

GREG. So Andy, why did you hit that clown with a rubber penis?

 

ANDREW. It's a long story.

 

HEATHER. We have time.

 

ANDREW. I hate both of you.

 

GREG. Come on tell me, please!

 

ANDREW. Well me and Heather went to get frozen yogurt.

When we sat down a clown came to us and said "Do you know Jesus?" I said yes to get rid of him. Then he said I had a demon. so he started chanting. Then he slapped my ice cream cone out of my hand and handed me a dildo. So I slapped him with it after he said something like it will make me closer to God to use it.

 

GREG. I think he was the ones with the demons, not that I believe in any of that mumbo jumbo.

 

ANDREW. Well he was on Absinthe, Shrooms, and Weed .

 

GREG. You know your life would make a good TV show. Of course your sex scenes would have to be rated R.

 

ANDREW. Haha, very funny.

 

HEATHER. Were here.

 

GREG.[Fancy accent] Yay, I do enjoy cultural experiences.

 

ANDREW. Since when?

 

GREG. Since never! I'm just messing with you.

 

ANDREW. that's what I thought.

 

HEATHER. Come on guy, we need to get in line.

 

While waiting in line Heather looks at their brochure.

 

HEATHER. Oh cool! “Manneken Pis” is on loan here.

 

GREG. Man-can-piss? What's that? A man peeing?

 

Andrew turns to Heather.

 

ANDREW. See this is why I didn't want to bring him.

 

HEATHER. Manneken Pis, is a fountain of a peeing boy.

It is world famous.

 

GREG. is that like ‘child porn’ or something?


 

Andrew.[Rolls eyes] No, it’s art.

 

TIME SKIP: TO THEM AT THE MANNEKEN PIS EXHIBIT

 

GREG. I feel so dirty! I'm a pervert!

 

Greg covers his face, but leaves space in between his fingers so he can still see.

 

Everybody is staring at him.

 

OLD LADY. It's just art!

 

ANDREW.[Hisses] Greg, shut up.

You are making a fool of yourself and everybody is watching.

 

GREG. If all you pervs want to stay here, fine! I'm going to look at grown woman boobs!

 

Greg runs out of the exhibit proud of himself.

 

HEATHER. I'm so sorry, he has mental issues!

 

ANDREW. Why don't we leave?

 

HEATHER. good idea, let's find Greg first.

 

ANDREW.Do we have to?

 

HEATHER. Unless you want him to be stuck here.

 

ANDREW. It would serves him right, but I would feel bad later.

 

TIME SKIP:TO ANDREW AND HEATHER FINDING GREG TAKING OBSCENE SELFIES WITH THE NUDE STATUES

 

ANDREW. Come on Greg we are leaving.

 

GREG. Just let me take a few more. [Keeps taking pictures with cellphone]

 

HEATHER.[Sounds motherly] You have ruined this experience for everybody here!

You will apologize for acting immature, and for causing a scene.

 

Greg hangs his head in shame

 

Greg Walks over to the group of people still by Manneken Pis.

 

GREG. I'm sorry for acting like an ass.

 

LADY. I'm sorry you have  brain problems.

I understand that naked kids scare you?

 

GREG. Bitch, I don't got brain problems, you do!

I mean uh. Thank you for your concern.

 

HEATHER. Now will you behave yourself, Greg?

Or will we have to leave?

 

GREG. I will behave.

 

ANDREW. Good, no more drama. We are going to the modern art next, Greg.

 

GREG. I don't get modern art what's up with that shit?

 

HEATHER. A lot of people like modern art, and watch your language there are kids here.

 

GREG. Sorry.

Hey i’m gonna go to the bathroom.

 

ANDREW. You don't have to tell us.

 

Greg heads to the bathrooms.

 

ANDREW. I'm gonna go check on Greg.

 

HEATHER. Okay.

 

TIME SKIP: TO GREG PEEING ALL OVER THE FLOOR AND WALLS RIGHT WHEN ANDREW WALKS IN [Greg’s speech is slurred throughout this whole scene]

 

ANDREW. What the hell, Greg!

 

GREG. I'm Man Can Piss!

 

ANDREW. Greg did you have anything to drink?

 

GREG. Ya I draunk some Gatorsradee!!!

Woo hoo!!!!

 

Greg Starts dancing to the music playing in the bathroom.

 

Andrew picks up the empty Gatorade bottle out of the trash.

It says “Vodka for emergency use only”. (Scribbled on the label.)

 

ANDREW. Dammit Greg! You dumbass!

 

Greg. No ur TT hr dum asc

 

ANDREW. Greg pull up your pants we are leaving!

 

GREG. Is done want so pul up my pans. I wadt tu bennn a strippppser. MAGIO MIKEO

 

ANDREW Pulls Greg's pants up for him and tightens his belt for him.

 

Heather  is outside the Men's bathroom.

 

HEATHER.[Shouting][from outside the bathroom] What is taking so long!

 

ANDREW.[Yelling] [From inside the bathroom] Greg is drunk.

 

GREG. SMy namde is grerhfgd and inmm not drunkm.

 

Greg leaves the bathroom holding onto Andrew.

 

ANDREW. We need to leave now!

 

HEATHER. Dammit Greg!

I will pull up the car for you.

 

All of a sudden Greg breaks into song.

 

GREG. ?Imgb as pretty buttrtflyd!

As bretyuv AF a pertteryfly can beef!?

 

ANDREW. Greg, shut up!

 

Everyone is staring.

 

ANDREW. He is drunk out of his mind, sorry folks.

 

Security helps Andrew get Greg outside.

 

SECURITY GUARD. Please don't bring him back.

 

ANDREW. Don't worry, I won't.

 

Heather pulls the car up to the sidewalk and honks the horn.

 

HEATHER. Get in.

 

ANDREW. Gladly.

 

GREG. I font want too go to jeal, noooo!

 

ANDREW. We are talking you home.

 

GREG. Buft I dohjn't havbpe my refd shoed tnho click three

thimesd!

 

It just so happens that Heather is wearing red heels.

She gives one of them to Greg.

 

Yay DG u casb squishj thev weirtch with my housesssd nowed!

Legs goed home bid!

 

ANDREW. I couldn't agree more

 

The episode ends with them driving away.


FADE OUT:


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