The Madman's Pen

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

In this political satire of political columnist/cartoonist Ted Rall, the career Tony Regal (a caricature of Rall) is explained and roasted. It also shows how his hatred for criticism gets the best of him.

[NOTE: The following story is a work of fiction. Any reference to real persons and events, living or dead, is purely coincidental]

There once lived a liberal political columnist and cartoonist named Tony Regal, who, for all I know, is still alive and well out there somewhere. This is his story, a story of a man who would mock those he sees as threats to America.

The earliest record of his work published in newspapers involved the death of Ronald Reagan. As the rest of the public mourned, Tony insisted R.R. was in hell and ‘already crispy brown’.

He was also there during the election of 2004. He posted on his lovely and oh-so obviously liberal website, “I am preparing myself for either outcome today. Should Kerry win, I shall write a column called A Time for Healing, or something equally noble sounding. Should Bush win, I will revamp the column’s addressing statement and call it Good, Go Ahead America, Choke on Your Own Vomit, You Deserve to Die.”

Three years earlier, he wrote about 9/11, one of the worst defeats in American history. He posted the following on his website: “Millions of Americans had perished a few days ago. This isn’t right. If the terrorists did this to get back at Bush, they did so by killing those who did not vote for him. D.C., New York, Pennsylvania, those are just a few examples of places that voted against Bush.”

Speaking of Bush, Here’s what Regal had to say about his reelection in ’04: “So our guy lost the election,” he wrote. “Why shouldn’t those of us on the coast feel superior? We eat better, travel more, dress better, watch cooler movies, meet more interesting people, listen to better music, and know more about what’s going on in the world. If you voted for Bush, we accept that we have to share the country with you; but don’t demand our respect. You lost it on November 2nd.”

It seems that Regal obviously doesn’t grasp that many people think he’s an all-around creep. Instead, he calls himself ‘America’s BS Detector’ and, worst of all, believes he’s smarter than the rest of us.

Unfortunately, his recent work bashing the late Paul Trumar, a former professional football player who died in Afghanistan, sacrificing his life to fight for his country, was poorly received by many Americans.

The cartoon is as follows: “You may remember Paul Trumar, the NFL pro who enlisted in the army rather than accept a $3.6 million football contract,” it says above the crudely drawn panel, depicting Trumar at the Army recruiting station.

Over the next three panels, Trumar is depicted as a “cog in a low-rent operation army that shot more terrorists to prop up puppet rulers and exploit gas and oil resources” and as an “idiot who got killed by the Afghan resistance.”

Many people responded to this cartoon by going on his website and typing angry, and sometimes profane, messages of protest. Tony Regal himself responded to the protestors, posting on his site, “If any of you ever hate on my work again, I will find your address, go there, and kill you on the spot.” They were not convinced, and one individual in particular posted a parody of Regal’s picture somewhere on the internet that was smarter by far than anything Regal has ever done.

“You may remember Tony Regal,” it says over the cartoon, very slightly altered so that it now depicts Regal in his editor’s office, “the no-talent cartoonist who makes his living mocking the sacrifices of the dead.

“Actually,” it goes on, “he’s a cog in a low-rent anti-American movement that practices moral equivalency and emboldens those who would terrorize America.”

Believe it or not, the parody was received quite well. So well, in fact, they rejoiced the moment it came out. The current President of the United States, Barrack Obama, called it a ‘blessing from the lord.’

The celebration was not without its consequences, When Tony Regal saw the cartoon (in its entirety), he went berzerk. He looked up the person who drew it, found his address, purchased a gun, and walked over the person’s house. In case you’re wondering, the artist’s name was Jay Grounder.

After a knocking on the door, Jay answered, surprised to see a middle aged man with a hint of stubble on his face holding a gun.

“This is for making fun of my drawing!” Regal exclaimed as he pulled the trigger. The bullet pierced Jay’s chest and went through his heart. He crumpled to the floor, dead within seconds. His vendetta fulfilled, Tony walked away. If Jay’s wife hadn’t seen his blood soaked body lying on the floor, then maybe the police wouldn’t have gone after Regal.

Months later, the police found Regal sleeping in his hammock. Even after he pulled out his gun, he realized he was outnumbered when the six policemen pulled out their guns.

The good news is, in the courthouse he was sent to, it took the jury at least an hour to make its ruling. They told Tony, who acted as his own attorney, to go on and serve a life sentence in prison.

The longer the trial went on, the more ridiculous it became. He tried to deny it was him and placed the blame on a fraudulent twin brother he called Pony, but the jury, which mostly consisted of conservatives, wisely didn’t believe him.

He was sent to serve his life sentence on Riker’s Island, where he cried and vomited in his cell. He is usually the target of ridicule for the other inmates and is thinking about changing his life for the better, but it’s too late.

How do I know this? I’m Tony Regal. And I am sick of the way all the inmates treat me. When I think of that one picture that led me to kill so I could make my point, I feel horrible inside and wish I could take it back; take everything I ever published back, but I can’t now.

I guess being a Red State hater does have its consequences after all. I guess even liberals must face the full wrath of the law if they wrong.

Submitted: August 07, 2015

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