She stared at the pill bottle clamped in her hand. Turning it slightly she sighed heavily and shifted her weight anxiously. Tilting the bottle she caught one single white pill as it fell into her open hand. So small, yet so very powerful. It had the power to take away your pain, to ease aching muscles, to soothe the mind.
Her gaze shifted and she gazed into those familiar brown eyes. Saw that chubby face, that crooked smile, that soft brown hair that she loved so much. As her thoughts drove her to a semi case of unconsciousness she found that she was watching images of her life fly past her. As if she were in the passenger seat of a car, staring into the rearview mirror, watching as the scenery flew by to be left behind her. Her vision blurred and along with the images came bits and pieces of conversations.
Cringing away as the pictures became harder to look at she was now squished into a corner of the bathroom. The bottle of pills hit the floor and scattered. She gasped and groaned with the emotional pain as it sky rocketed.
He was laying in the floor gasping for air, she was attempting cpr but to no avail, he was in the hospital bed unmoving with a breathing tube still stuck down his throat, he was in the casket, felt and looked so fake, she was leaving him behind...Seeing him for the last time.
The mental slideshow finally became too much and she screamed and begged for it to stop.
She sighed with a slight sense of relief as her vision returned to normal and the bathroom came back into focus. Almost two months and the pain of losing him still hit her that hard, that fast. Without warning.
Shaking violently she reached a hand out and proceeded to scoop the pills up. Gathering them in one hand, she eyed a glass of water sitting beside the sink. They were supposed to relieve pain. But hers was a pain so great that it would take the whole bottle to do any good.
In a pathetic, slow motion she slid her body across the tile floor and reached out to take the glass of water from the counter.
"Tabby are you here?!?!" came an almost frantic yell from somewhere nearby. Then only seconds later the door slammed open.
She squealed in surprise. The glass slipped from her clumsy grasp and plummeted to the floor, seeming to shatter with the force of a cannon firing. Glass shards and water flew through the air, yet she took no notice as her eyes sought out the figure in the doorway.
So different than the face of the boy that she had loved and lost. However this slim, handsome face also held a dear place in her heart and her love for him could not be denied.
"Tabby what are you doing? I've called three times. I got worried when you didn't answer," he said, concern coloring his voice.
"M-mason. I'm sorry I just got busy. No reason to worry."
Suddenly she became aware of her hand clamped tightly around a handful of pills. "This isn't what it looks li.." she started but then trailed off and gazed at his worried gaze. His eyebrows were furrowed and his mouth hung slightly agape as if in shock. "Well, maybe it is what it looks like but you don't understand what I'm going through Mason."
A small flash of what seemed to be anger sparked his eyes and he slowly sunk to his knee's. Reaching forth he took hold of her hand and applied a slight pressure until it opened and released the pills. They once again fell to the floor and were left there.
"I want to help you through this Tabby. I want to be your shoulder, your rock. I've been there for you through everything else and this is no exception. I don't understand why you won't let me in. Why won't you let me help you? I just want you to stay in my life Tabs. I want you by my side so I can make you happy. So I can help you through every curve life throws your way."
She grit her teeth hard as he spoke and groaned as she felt the tears once again slide down her cheeks. As he finished speaking and looked at her expectantly she groaned and rolled her eyes. It wasn't him she was mad at, it was herself and herself only. She wanted to let him in but was afraid of dragging him down. Of making him regret wanting to be there. She didn't deserve him and he didn't deserve to be tied down to a broken, faded version of the old Tabby.
"Mason, it's has nothing to do with you. I have loved you since the first day I talked to you. It has everything to do with me though. I am nothing but a shell of my former self. I'm broken, lifeless, aged beyond my years. You deserve someone young and entergetic. Yes you have always given me a reason to live, to go on breathing when I thought my world was ending but you shouldn't have to do that as much as you have. You don't need all this emotional drama in your life."
With her words spoken she pushed away from him grimacing as she felt the shards of glass embedding into her exposed flesh. But even before she could push her way into a standing position, he had wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tightly against his chest.
"Tabby, listen to me. I don't want anyone else. I want you. Whether broken, faded, fully equipped, halfway there. I don't care what comes along with you, I just want you. I want to continue to give you a reason to live, to give you something to believe in. You've always helped me with the will to live and I want to do the same for you. Just please let me in, let me be there," his voice had taken on an almost pleading tone by this time and it quivered with emotion.
She didn't look up at him but instead buried her face into his chest. Taking in a deep breath, inhaling his scent. Her tears soaked into his shirt and she could hear the soft thumping of two hearts.
After moments she heaved a heavy sigh feeling her heart grow lighter.
With her face still buried against his chest she whispered, "You can have whats left of me."
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