A Naturally Complicated Nineteen

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic

The questions of growing up and the complications of a double life. And how to find a balance between adult and idiotic teenager.

So, this is me.

I am nineteen, a university student, a brunette *naturally*, a friend, an acquaintance, and a generally well rounded person whose taken everything in life in stride and it’s made me who I am today. But this is my problem. I do not know who this person is.

I am currently living in two provinces that just so happen to be on either coast of Canada. I was born and raised in British Columbia and after 18 years decided to go to university in Nova Scotia. The problem is this has given me a double life. Now I didn’t change my name or dye my hair and take on a new persona or anything like that but I became simple. I became who people who didn’t know me in BC thought I was and who people who did know me, knew I had been. Before I can tell you about my new life, I must tell about the old one first.

I have always been nice and up until a certain age I was walked upon. Then I met a best friend that taught me how to at least have an opinion but it’s hard when you’re “nice”. I then became the floater because I was always friends with a couple people but they would stop being friends and then get a new group and id meet more people and then they would break apart and I was always moving from group to group able to keep the drama usually away from me.I also always usually had a boyfriend which in middle school or high school doesn’t mean too much but I was always still seen as the nice one.

This was never really me. I’ve always really been the experimenter but usually on my own terms. I never really drank until I wanted to, or did any drugs that I didn’t want to.But I was the first of all my friends to have sex. A little too early I will add but it was on my terms.It was hard then because no one else was doing it. But slowly more and more did and it was nice to have people to talk about it with but it was always close friends and others still knew me as the nice girl. Always the nice girl. I did have a small reputation for dating older boys which was probably the beginning of change over in how others viewed me.

As my friends switched and hated each other and then me for talking to others and so on and so forth, the usual high school craptastic drama, so I used my boyfriend for stability. He was older by two years. When we first started dating he was amazing. He was my first. But as time went on his use of drugs and harder substances grew. I turned my eye because I never did it with him, I thought that way it wouldn’t affect me. We dated for a year and a half which at the time was a big deal. In that time I was in love with who I started dating and his family and with how life generally was. We broke up 3 times in that relationship.The first was because I was bored and to young and immature to deal with it like a real relationship. The second was because he cheated on me. And the third, yes I took him back, was the person he had become.He cheated I got mad but took him back. It makes me so mad that I did because I hung up on him with the best line, the ones you usually don’t think about until after the fight.

“I’m so sorry” he said and I replied, “No, Im sorry because you just lost the best damned thing in your life!”

It was the perfect line until I took him back and then he dumped me because I couldn’t get over it. But we got back together and this is the part that I can’t get over. While we had broken up, he had gone to prom alone and while there did blow for what he says was the first time because he was upset that he was alone. I never knew about this incident at prom until we had broken up.

Know, again the fact that I had many friends in different circles always came into my benefits. I always knew a lot of what was going on. So when I my friend called and told me that my boyfriend had bought blow from her friend. I was furious. Weed was one thing I dealt with it because so many people did it so how could you get mad but blow was not happening. So I called him and asked him he was honest which I never have given him credit for but I refused to see him that night and after that he said it was never happening again. He was a good liar. The years of trying to hide weed from his parents helped in that. By the end of that summer before grade 11 I was done. One night was the defining moment. We had been dating for a week shy of a year and six months and I was over for dinner. To his mom I was just another one of her kids, I helped make dinner and do dishes. So as I routinely helped with the dishes he grabs me into his room and proceeds to yell at me for doing the dishes and how I was a guest in his house. He was raging and it frightened me. And I was done. When I look back I feel bad. I got a lot of praise from his parents and I liked it because I didn’t get a lot from mine. At least not in the same sense. He was a bad kid. Skipped school did drugs and I got decent grades never did drugs, complete opposites. I feel bad now because he had to fight not only his little brother but me as well for their approval and I always took their side. They were usually right in my defence though.

Anyways we had broken up but we didn’t stop sleeping with each other. It was a bad couple months were we would use sex to hurt the other person and then I found out about how many people he had actually cheated on me with and when he really started doing blow. And then he went to rehab that summer. It was the same time that I finally slept with my second person. The second person, I have found, is just as big a deal as the first because really after the first you are still a virgin to your first. You don’t know anything better, or worse, and that makes you curious. At the same time you are still hesitant to take the step because it is the ending of a chapter in your life. My second was a bad mistake. A drunken bad mistake to be honest that opened the door to the beginning of the new way that people looked at me.

I felt free after number two. And I had met a solid friend. We had the same mentality that whatever boys can “do” we can do better and there were no double standards. And we believed it. That is really the only way you can live that life. And live it we did the difference is she was a bit more open with it then I was. I was a secret “slut” if I must use a common term. I was sick of the boyfriend routine and the long term and I was ready to have fun. In doing this I lost a lot of friends who didn’t know how to deal with my “forward” thinking. My friend and I fed off each other and again when I look back I truly believe that if one of us had said no we probably wouldn’t have done all the crazy escapades we did.Now we hardly talk and at the time I thought we were together until the end. Now we are two completely different people.

The thing is I had always been a very sexual person and I had a weakness. He was my friend. One of my best friends that was a boy and we always had fooled around. Really we just teased each other mostly never had done anything of consequence. He dated one of my former best friends and he had said at one point that we should just date because we practically were and truthfully things would have probably worked out better but he isn’t a very good relationship kind of guy. Truthfully he sucks at it. And about the same time I and my friend stopped being friends they started dating again. He had later said and I quote “you should have just dated me and none of this would have happened”.He and my former BFF dated off and on I never really knew all of the details because once they started dating I was out of the picture.

That the things with girls and guys, they can never just be friends unless they have already been there and done that. At some point one will always like the other and the other knows it but plays it off because they just want to be friends. But then the guy will get a girlfriend and the BFF gets the side arm because they don’t need you to confide in anymore.

Anyways, at one point as far as I had known they were broken up according to him and a drunken mistake turned into hooking up. And I honestly forgot about it after. I think I mentally repressed it because I knew it was wrong.

This was the summer after graduation. I had had flings with guys but never dated anymore. I never wanted to settle. And in a sense I think the fact that my ex boyfriend had cheated on left me very insecure and I looked for approval sexually. It’s hard to interpret what I did because I really don’t know what I was doing.

So I left for university, and came back at Christmas. My former BFF had started talking to me again and I was so excited because I had realised I didn’t want to be the girls that slept around anymore. There was a double standard and even Christina Aguilera couldn’t sing to convince me that it was different. My former friend had found out but decided to wait to confront me till I was home. I was devastated to say the least. I thought she was trying to be my friend and it was all too just confront me. I deserved it to say the least but it still stabbed at my heart pretty bad.

So everyone that knew me in BC thinks of me as the promiscuous type and slowly now im gaining some of my friends trust back there were a lot of issues but Im working on it.

So that is me on one side of the country. On the other coast, I am nice. I am the person that doesn’t do bad things. Im a safe experimental and I try not to gossip as much as possible. I feel out of place a lot and sometimes so loved and other so alone. I feel like everyone knows me as the nice girl or doesn’t know me at all. I am going into the second semester of my second year and I've slept with one person. Only one because im worried of what people will think. Im such a sexual person but I feel like I can’t be that person there. I feel like at school I have to try and be a new person. While in secret I text a guy from home dirty texts to keep my sexual needs at bay.

And that is it my whole university being can be summed into two paragraphs or even a single word, “nice”.

Tonight, nearing the end of my Christmas break, watching of course “Sex and the City” with one of my true best friends who stuck with me through it all I realized I've only had sex once in almost a year. One whole year. And that makes me think that my old way of life was a lot more fun.

Im so conflicted because I don’t know who to be. Being two people is hard and difficult. Half of me just wants sex and a good time while the other is nun. The sad thing is the first half of my life so far I was living no matter how delusional I was but I was living it. Now, I am in a constant state of good behaviour when I crave so much to be “bad”.

As much as I think I know myself, I don’t. And, as much as these years are when I am supposed to figure it out it’s not working so well. Do I choose to be a “Samantha” or a prude? And how do I figure it out?


Submitted: December 29, 2008

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