Dear Family and Friends,
It’s that time of year: The end of the year. And 2010 is over. Finally. It’s been one hell of a year for me and the kids. My wife, Liz, left me after she came home one night and found me with my son’s teacher. I tried to tell her that we were studying anatomy, but she just wouldn’t believe me. After that little conversation, Liz went after our son’s teacher with a ruler. I have to admit: It was bad that my wife left me, but it was so hot to see the two of them fight it out. God, I’d pay to see that again.
The kids are doing well in school. Belle, my 17 year old daughter, is getting A’s and B’s on all of her report cards. Although, I think it’s funny how the teachers use whiteout on the report card rather than just reprint the report card. It’s also nice that the teachers take the time to, after they whiteout the report card, hand write in all of Belle’s grades. Her teachers can even mimic Belle’s handwriting on the report card! Our public education is the best! Belle is also getting to that age where she has boys in her life. The one (he calls himself “Scar”) has parents who smoke and drink; I don’t really like him. I can tell his parents smoke and are alcoholics because every time Belle gets home from Scar’s house, she reeks of cigarette smoke and vodka. She promises me that it isn’t her that is smoking and drinking, and I keep telling her that I will believe her as long as she keeps getting good grades. My plan is working perfectly! And not to brag, but Jimmy, my 10 year old son, has gotten straight A’s the whole year, for the most part. Except, when Liz caught me cheating and viciously beat Jimmy’s teacher with a ruler, Jimmy’s grades suddenly dropped. It must be from the emotional trauma that he suffered after his mom left me. Because of that, I sent him to a therapist. Thank God the therapist is hot, or it wouldn’t be worth the $150/hr. that I pay her from the kids’ college funds to hear her babble about feeling.
This past year, I also got a new car; it was a deal and a half! All I had to do was replace the engine, the Axle, the brake fluid, the windows, the oil, three of the four tires, the rusty paint, and the airbags! I even replaced everything that needed to be replaced by myself! Jimmy is out test driving it as we speak; it sounds great from what I can hear, I just wish all the neighbors would stop screaming for someone to call 911 long enough for me to hear that baby purr!
Our summer vacation was amazing, too! We got to see Paris, London, Tokyo, and Singapore. We were about to get to see Shang Hai, but the man at the Apple store told us to stop looking through the sample pictures on the computers. Apparently standing in front of the computer with your family looking at pictures for 3 hours is “unfair to the other customers” because “that laptop was already purchased” and we were “getting our greasy fingers on it.” McDonald’s food isn’t THAT greasy -that guy was such a jerk.
Sadly, our family dog passed on this year. My son and I were out in the yard tossing the pigskin around when our dog just stopped moving. Turns out he had just stopped breathing and passed away right there in my arms. Poor Pigskin, rest in peace buddy.
There is so much more I want to talk about; the house fire, the hurricane, the power outages, the elephant stampedes… But I guess those stories will have to wait! Looking back on this letter, I guess this year wasn’t half bad. There are a few things that could go better this year, but I won’t hold my breath! I hope that you had a year just as good as ours, and I wish you luck in the New Year!
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