Unrequited Love (Yeah, another one)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
A true story about my first time falling in love, and how it ended.

Submitted: December 05, 2011

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Submitted: December 05, 2011

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This, is a love story. It’s not very long, and it doesn’t have a happy ending, but it’s about love nonetheless. I am 18, and I believe I know what it feels like to be in love. 

We met when I was 14. He was 3 years older, 3 years more experienced, and 3 years further out of my league. But I still remember meeting him that first summer, and thinking of nothing but him for weeks after.  Until next year, I told myself. And so a year passed and I forgot about the boy that I had admired from afar. Then I saw him again, and it was like no time had gone by. 

Let me clear one thing up, this is a story of unrequited love. But I didn’t love him at first sight. I was young, he was handsome and older. I was infatuated by his looks and, for 2 years, I was too afraid to actually speak to him. I finally plucked up the courage the summer I turned 16. We didn’t have hour long conversations, no earth shattering topics were discussed, but I talked to him. And I fell harder: from his voice, from his passion for music, animals, and family. And then summer was over, and he drifted from my thoughts again, until next July, when anything was possible. 

The summer I turned 17, I had more confidence, more attitude, and more desire to get what I wanted. But still, I was an inexperienced girl who had never been asked out and had kissed one boy in my whole life. I was really kidding myself by entertaining any fantasies of late night trysts with this boy I had a summer crush on for 3 years. But fantasize I did and when summer ended, one of my less provocative fantasies came true. 

I found him on facebook (we had talked a little more that summer, so I felt that my creeper status was at a minimum) and added him. Shortly after, he messaged me and my heart beat out of my chest. And that’s where it started. After chatting for a while, he gave me his number. Now I had a year where he wasn’t in the back of my mind, but a friend in the forefront who I happened to like more than a lot. 

I told him a lot about me that year, and I learned a lot about him too. I grew up a little and started to see him as a great friend instead of a silly summer crush. I even went to see him at his college, because I was considering going there. He gave me a tour and I remembered all the things I had loved about him for three summers. 

Then their was the final summer before I really fell in love. I had been looking forward to seeing him all year, and it finally came. He told me to save him a few dances at the local square dancing event, and I did. And when our hands met on the dance floor, as corny as it was to be dos-i-do-ing, it was like magic. And when our eyes met, my heart skipped beats. And then the week was gone, and it was time for me to start college, and for him to return to it. 

After the dancing, our texting turned very flirtatious. I liked him so much, and I wanted him to know. He liked me too, that’s for sure. When I was all settled in college, I decided to come see him. Our schools are only an hour and a half away from each other, so I was happy to make the drive. 

And it was worth it. After 4 years of this crazy attraction I had for this boy, it all came to a head in that one weekend. I got to him room, and we started watching a movie, and then we weren’t watching the movie, it was watching us. And then all of my clothes were on, and then some of them got lost on the floor. But I never felt uncomfortable. I never questioned it. Which I think is something special. He was the first guy I had ever been physical with, the first one I had ever even made out with for god’s sake. And he was such a gentleman about it. But it was just my first visit. So I left before I did something I would regret, went to fast when I wasn’t ready. 

Coming back to my school after seeing him, I was the happiest I ever remember being. All I thought of was his face, the way he looked at me, how he had said he hadn’t wanted to be anywhere else, or with anyone else then. And I believed him. And I didn’t want this to end. The weekend after, I went back to see him. This time I spent the night.

Don’t worry, still got my v-card. But I went farther than I had ever gone before and still, I was totally comfortable. He was a gentleman the whole time. He was sweet and reassuring and always made sure I knew that there was no pressure. And I would’ve gone all the way with him. If he wanted to, I would’ve. But he said, “not tonight.” And it made me like him more. And maybe that’s when I really fell in love. He told me he wanted to, but he wouldn’t. And that’s how I knew he really liked me too. But he didn’t love me. That became apparent to me very quickly. 

Yes, I am naive. To think a 21 year college guy wants a relationship with a freshman an hour and a half away is a naive thought. But I don’t think I was wrong to want it. Because I had been with him so intimately, I just assumed we were on the same page. And I didn’t want to stop seeing him, but I realized I couldn’t keep going back to him because we weren’t, well, we weren’t anything really. And I didn’t want to be his friend with benefits. I knew he wasn’t like that, but it didn’t change what it was at the time. So I told him, he didn’t have to be my boyfriend, but he had to be mine. And then he started distancing himself.

It is awful when someone doesn’t respond to your text messages. But it’s so much worse when it is someone you are falling in love with. Because every hour that he didn’t answer me, my heart ached. And when days started to pass in between contact, my eyes, which barely ever shed tears, started to dry up from all the crying. Because, you know what? He had been the first, best guy I had ever been with. And he knew it. And he left me to think about all the worst scenarios, all the reasons why he had already changed his mind about me. 

After a few weeks of this kind of spotty contact, I had cried more tears for him than I ever thought I could cry for anyone. And eventually, he told me that he only wants to be my friend. And I said Ok. And I cried for a few more days. And I had to try to stop thinking about him, because it hurt too much. It seems silly sometimes, in retrospect, to think about how much of an effect he had on me. But then I remember the first time I saw him, and realize that this thing we had was much more than those few weeks in the beginning of the fall. For me anyway. And I am still sad when I think about him. Especially when he tortures me with text messages that are so nonchalant, like we were nothing. But he didn’t treat me right, and he didn’t love me. And sometimes you have to accept it and move on, even when you just want to soak in the best memories of that person forever. 

I would have gone to the ends of the earth to be with him, I told him I would wait for him, until he was ready, and he said he didn’t think he would ever be. That hurt.  It was and is the worst pain I have ever felt, this heartbreak. But I can move on from this, and I will never regret the time I spent with him. Because I loved him then, and I love him now. After all, you never really forget your first love. 

 


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