why we ate the dog

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: December 19, 2015

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Submitted: December 19, 2015




When I was growing up somewhere in my lovely hood in Ibadan, Nigeria, my parents were average middle class. We were comfortable, though, and there were times I felt like a local champion among my peers. We loved to roll tires, from one point to the other; for like 1 mile, I guess. Well, if I remember, we ranged between 7 to 10 years of age. That is not my story or critical condition, but rather, it was during those years, I recall, my hatred, or rather fear of dogs, started and it was so bad. Why? Because I was chased so many times by my neighbors dogs, Sparky; Lucky; Jack and Rambo. All these dogs, basically, chased almost all the kids in the neighborhood. The funniest part, now, is that they were all local dogs; they only eat eba ( a local Carb solid food, more like left-overs from their owners meals). They didn’t have privileges like dogs of today or dogs in the U.S. at the time. They were more or less like local hunter’s dogs, given English names. There was only one posh dog in my neighborhood then, he lived in an iron cage. He only enjoyed his freedom at night, as a guard dog, unlike Sparky, Lucky or Rambo that lived at the back yard or wooden house constructed by the local carpenter – egbon(elder) Jamiu. Jamiu could construct Noah’s ark if time permitted. There were no dog pounds nor dog shelter, “where you wan see am?” The only dog pounder around was one short, light skinned, muscular fellow in his 30s or 40s, Mr. Akpan. Anytime he arrived on foot or on his old school vesper the street would be cleared of all the dogs. Only dogs from another neighborhood were always the unlucky ones. Those that came to mate from uphill always fell victim and ended as local delicacy “404”, as it soup was popularly called. I have witnessed cash change hands when Mr. Akpan came to town. I had enough to remember my friends sell their dogs to him. He frequented the neighborhood for almost a decade. Now I have problems with dogs because of my experience with my neighbor’s dogs. 

They landed me at the hospital at least once, because I fainted when I got home. Those stupid dogs knew me very well, they just decided to chase my tiny “a**s” because they thought I was frosh then. Last I remembered, those dogs were set up and sold by some of my friends outside their domain. I was happy and, the boys also made money; they sold them to Mr Akpan. Akpan knew those dogs too and he had been looking for ways to buy them, because they looked well fed. Well, they belonged to baba ibo and Iya Nkem, so you can imagine what they were, the likes of Akpu and fufu.  At that age of between 8 and 11 years, I didn’t snitch on who sold the dogs because I had my share of N5 naira, imagine in the 80s.  I remember I bought “tabataba” (local rainbow-like candy), meat pie and sprite. At last, we could run freely, after been terrorized by these dogs for about a decade. Now, living in America only changed a little, the way I feel about dogs.  The fact is that I am still scared of dogs. When i see these folks that don’t look well kept themselves keeping a pit-bull as pet or showing off one, i always cross the road like chicken, so you don’t need to ask why did the chicken crossed the road. These dogs remind me of Lucky and Sparky, though, they were nowhere near these dogs in America, size wise. Immediately I see them coming I jaywalked, “sharp sharp” to next road or the other side of the road. But you can’t go by without seeing some beautiful dogs. You will love to hug these dogs; they are friendly well, groomed, trained even potty-trained. They can even flush the toilet and they live at peace with cats. I guess they made a pact to live in peace. You know Nigerians, when you keep or have a cat as pet, especially, a weird looking black one, the same thought going through you mind right now is the thing we always say.  You know you can’t just mention ‘laughs”. Anyway, that’s why I hated going to Iya Mukaila’s wooded shop then, because she had many cats and she was an old lady … Guess who constructed the stall? Egbon Jamiu.

The problem now is I love this beautiful lady and we married a year ago. We live somewhere in America; a  mixed neighborhood of  some polished Africans and Asians, where you see nice dogs, well groomed and well fed, that travels on airplanes to vacation with their owners. I guess I don’t have that much to spend let alone take a dog on vacation. Abimbola is expecting twins now and i have been dodging the conversation of getting a dog since we married, because of her love for this tiny breed. Imagine, she still sends me pictures of very lovely cute looking dogs. I am sorry to disappoint you, I have no idea what their breeds are. To cut the story short, I don’t want a dog because I believe I can’t keep one, but these dogs are too cute to not look at them. I have been starving of sex now; my wife wouldn’t let me top up. She needs that cute looking dog… I love that cute dog’s picture too, but I just want to prove and stand my ground that no dogs around the house. Who is going to keep and shower the dog, really? I guess I am losing this war. I need to top up my pregnant wife; the doctor said it’s healthy, and women are hornier during pregnancy, so I heard. But why wouldn’t she let me top up now? Lastly, and at last, I decided to get this dog I can’t even pronounce the name well. On my way there i met a childhood friend of mine, Sesan. I know is not a sexy name, right? We spoke for a while; I didn’t even know we live in the same apartment. He asked me where I was heading to, I told him I wanted to go and get a dog and narrated my ordeal. He laughed hard.  Sesan said “o boy no need to get a dog oo” and I asked why. He asked if I remember Mr Akpan , I said yes, and he said Mr Akpan won a visa lottery way back and that he’s been living in the same complex for years before him and us. It just clicked right away that I have seen posters of missing dogs around at least once in a month. To cut the story short, Mr Akpan has an African store around and he ran a local joint at night. I remembered immediately I have gone there before to buy fufu and assorted meat. Chei! I exclaimed, my own don spoil. Well, I guess I changed my mind about getting the dog as long as Mr Akpan stays in the neighborhood. His shop is around the Asian market as well. I went back home and tried to narrate the story to my wife, and she loves Mr Akpan grilled special pepper suya. I smiled and laughed, deep inside she could see how hilarious I was, but I couldn’t mention why I was laughing. I just said “do u know dogs have a good sense of smell and they can see or smell ghost also? They can smell and bark at anyone who has eaten a dog before.”

Well I can’t tell the rest…

So what do you think, should I tell her or still stand my ground of not getting the dog? The point is, I need a good lie to tell so that she can let me top up?
This short story is a fiction and imaginary thoughts of the writer, names mentioned and places are not real.

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