Good. Evil. Bacon.

Reads: 415  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 4

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
this is totaly and completely random!!!! nothing compares...

Submitted: January 20, 2012

A A A | A A A

Submitted: January 20, 2012

A A A

A A A


Good. Evil. Bacon.

It was a dark and stormy night. I was totally spooked and there was no way out. There was only one thing I could do. I slipped on a kilt and started to play the bag pipes! Hoooooooonk! Hoooooonkity honk honk! “Shut up you idiot! That isn’t what bag pipes sound like!!!”

There were those annoying voices in my head again.

“Hello Marv! Where are you going?” Josh is always calling me Marv and it’s really getting on my nerves.

“Why do you always call me Marv, even though you know my name is really Gabe?” I asked.

“It is? I always though that your name was Wilfred and that’s why I thought it was hilarious to call you Marv all the time…. Well, that’s really depressing and I need to go heave into that pale across the street. Bye!!”

Josh is so weird… and immature…when will he ever grow up? And then I saw it. The sun gleamed off of its polished plastic exterior. The pony ride in front of the deli market!! I have so many fond memories of riding on that pony with the wind in my hair and my fingers gripping the pink flowing mane of my valiant steed. I never lost interest in that beautiful piece of machinery, but today, as I slowly crept closer to my precious, I noticed something I had had nightmares about ever since I met this wonderful creature…..

An OUT OF ORDER sign had been taped to my loves fragile snout. I quickly ran all around her looking for any obvious signs of abuse and instantly noticed it. Some idiot had stuffed the coin slot full of bacon!

I was so enraged that I spontaneously combusted into flames and died… but I lived!! And I walked home totally bummed out. When I got home, my mom gave me a plate of bacon, but I didn’t feel like eating, so I went to bed early. That night as I lay in bed, I knew I would have a restless night as the soups of sleepless dreams broiled in my head:

 Ben was not prepared for what was going to happen to his feet on that fateful day. They were green and smelled delightfully of bacon. When he got out of bed he noticed that they were throbbing and producing toe jam at an increasingly fast rate.  If he didn’t do something soon, he would be swimming in the slimy stuff. He thought of maybe sealing them in a plastic bag or cutting them off completely, but all of his ideas had dire consequence. Finally he had a good idea that might work. He planned to cut off his feet and then seal them in a plastic bag! That would surely work, and if it didn’t, he would be eating toe jam on toast for the rest of his life. He went to the kitchen and grabbed the steak knife. Right as he was about to eat his orange juice with a fork, the roof collapsed and Gabe woke up.

 

The sun was shining and the birds were chirping, until I shot it with my radioactive bellybutton lint. I quickly got up, not able to stop thinking about that weird dream I had last night. If I was ever going to get any sleep around here, I was gonna have to stop dreaming about Ben’s problems. It was bad enough that he was always messing around in my head. When I got to the table, I was greeted with a plate of steaming hot bacon. “Why did you make bacon? We just had bacon last night,” I said.

“I know honey, I don’t like it either, but it rained bacon last night and we have such a surplus that I’m not sure we’ll be eating anything else for a while,” my mom replied.

“I hate bacon! It gets stuck in your braces and I have to sit here and watch you pick it out!”

“Shut up Ben, nobody asked you!” I screamed.

“What was that honey?” My mom was confused why I was screaming.

“Oh, nothing mom, I was just talking to… myself.”

When was Ben ever going to go find his own place? He has been freeloading off of me ever since I took him into my brain in 1934. After that he’s always thought that just because he can kill me whenever he wants, he has complete control over my life and today I was gonna make a change.

“Ben, I need your keys, you’re moving out.”

“What do you mean I’m moving out, you can’t do this to me!!”

“Actually, yes I can. That is one of the perks of this being MY brain. You are inconsiderate; you leave your crap all over the place. If you want I can spare you a few bucks so you can find a new host, but I need you out by Friday the 13. Thanks for understanding Fred, because Elmo just ran across the street with a shotgun. Please excuse me."

 

See ya next time!!!


© Copyright 2020 Crescent Moen. All rights reserved.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Add Your Comments:

Comments

avatar

Author
Reply