The Amusing and the Hopeless

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Booksie Classic
As you may have already guessed, this is not my kind of scene. Don’t get me wrong, I am all up for some new experiences, but I might say that I regret this one. I hate these clothes, I don’t like this place and I have nothing in common with these people. Just my luck. I can see him undressing me with his eyes...

Submitted: January 07, 2010

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Submitted: January 07, 2010

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The Amusing and the Hopeless So many lights…music so loud…all those sweaty bodies bumping into each other as they dance the night away. Wonder why they dance. Some say it’s to release the stress, others might just do it for fun. Not me though. I sit on the sectional with my drink in my hand alone, just observing the view. Strangely I have a better time just watching this odd behavior from afar. I can observe the guys and their perfect bodies, jumping and grinding. They have smiles on their faces and whisper stuff into each others ears. You see all types on the dance floor: typical queens, older guys, twinks, macho men and the occasional book worm. Those laser lights move rapidly with the music accompanied by fog that makes my vision a bit more forced. The music is so loud, heavy house music which is perfect for the atmosphere…well perfect for this imperfect atmosphere. As you may have already guessed, this is not my kind of scene. Don’t get me wrong, I am all up for some new experiences, but I might say that I regret this one. I hate these clothes, I don’t like this place and I have nothing in common with these people. Just my luck. I can see him undressing me with his eyes, let’s be nice and call him a 4. I just roll my eyes, take a deep breath and go back to my drink. He doesn’t take the hint though and comes towards me with two pomegranate margaritas. Never take a drink from strangers, it’s plain common sense. Of course he decides to sit next to me uninvited. Now let’s see what lousy pick-up line he decides to use…3...2...1.

- Hey man, those jeans are tight…are they easier to put on or get out of? Remember you are at a bar, this happens all the time. Don’t get offended and kindly ask him to leave you alone.

- Seriously? How long were you waiting to crack out that wrong Mr. Smoothtalk? Easier said than done.

- Look bitch no need to get all snooty, I just figured that since you were here you were trying to find some company for tonight.

- Oh ok, since I come to a bar it automatically assumes that I am here to get lucky. There is possibly no way that I came here to relax, have a drink and possibly a nice chat with a guy or two. Stupid little me for forgetting that as soon as I entered that door I labeled the words “Spread my legs and fuck me till Tuesday”. I am truly sorry if I did because I am not interested.

- You know what? Fuck you bitch.

- We already went through that “4” and the answer is NO. Now run along and find yourself a nice one who doesn’t know your last name and will open up the back door for you.

Ok say and think whatever you want about me. Call me an asshole, I don’t care. My behavior is the product of the anger that I feel inside when I see the people at your typical Gay Bar. If we calculate what is gonna happen tonight, lets say that more than half of the guys here will get lucky tonight. Some smooth talker like Mr. 4 over there will come up with a cheesy pick-up line and land himself a guy that is in the mood for some loving. They will go into one of their cars, or maybe even catch a cab until they reach one of their apartments. Or maybe a motel if they wanna keep it more impersonal. They undress each other, while they roughly makeout. Jump on they bed and fuck/suck each other’s brains out. Get up in the morning, grab the clothes scattered around the room and yet will not know the last name of the guy they’ve been fucking. Sayonara! It was nice to taste you. The lucky ones will get walked to the door and the even luckier ones will get a fake phone number. I stare at my sweating whiskey sour and stir the melted ice with my finger, which I proceed to suck off to dry. Shit! Bad move there, hope I wasn’t seen. It’s about 1:03 am and I am dying to get home, yet I must wait for my friend Stephan who is out there having a ball (or two) with a couple of his new friends. Why am I here you might ask yourself? Well first of all I feel the need to experiment something before assuming that I hate it. Although in this case my assumption turned out to be correct. I just can’t find myself to change my way of being in order to adjust myself to this lifestyle. There is no denying that I am gay, yet the “gay lifestyle” or at least what we are brought on to believe is the “gay lifestyle” does not fit my needs. First of all my outfit, these jeans are so tight that my balls are turning blue. This shirt is way out of my style, purple does not flatter my body. These shoes are nice, but it would be more comfortable to stick needles in my feet and grind them with sand paper. Put my in a nice T, with some relaxed fit jeans and a pair of nice sneakers and I will be ready to go. But Stephan insisted that I would look the part in order to attract more attention and meet some guys to “expand my horizons” which basically means find other friends to hangout with here other than me. It was about 1:47 am and I stood there staring at the neon rainbow sign that said “Pride” and I chuckled, for it was irony for me at that moment. I thought the word “Open” was more appropriate for the bar. God I sound like a bitter fool, but I can’t seem to help myself. I feel a sudden rage every time I see someone backing up the labels that are always used to portray our community. Labels that bring us down and mock our way of living. I know, I know, I am not saying that all gay guys live this way and I certainly don’t mean to label every guy here as a whore, yet by what I can see at this bar it is certainly common. I mean about 1 ½ hrs ago I stood up and went to the rest room, in there I heard noises that didn’t even sound human and I wondered if this was common in all bars. If casual sex was really that common now ‘a days. Stephan finally seemed to be tired and decided to call it a night. He was practically out of breath from all the dancing and screaming going on. We left the bar behind us and I waved goodbye to his friends (who later on called me a prick for waving from afar). I really need to learn more about “the scene”. We got into his car and prepared for the 40 minute drive home, which I planned to make interesting. Time to push some of his buttons. I leaned my head against the window and stared at the passing lights. At the corner of my eye I noticed that Stephan kept constantly staring at me as if he was dying to ask me something. I closed my eyes and began to act like I was asleep, when we finally stopped at a traffic light and he spoke.

- So did you at least have an OK time tonight? I opened my eyes but kept my vision towards the road.

- I’m not gonna lie and say I loved it. It certainly seemed like a lot of fun, but it’s just not my thing. Thanks though for letting me tag along, I appreciate it man.

- Well I was gonna say that you should have tried harder, I mean you’re a good looking guy and extremely nice, but I noticed how much you tend to push people away.

I’ll give him that one, I do tend to push people away from me. It just comes natural, but at the same time I felt uncomfortable having random guys offer themselves to me.

- Well this is kind of new to me, the whole club scene. But dude, you don’t know how uncomfortable I got watching all these random guys rubbing off against each other when they probably didn’t even bother to ask each other their name.

- What do you mean?

- Don’t act stupid Stephan, you know very well what I mean.

- No I don’t so please explain to me. He was getting very pissed, I could feel it. But he must not act so blind and recognize that when a person is wrong, they are wrong.

-I don’t agree with so many men acting the way they do in bars. I mean is it so hard just to go to a gay bar just to talk and drink instead of always trying to get into someone’s pants. Stephan it is hard enough being gay, yet most guys just reinforce all of the labels and stereotypes that we see everyday.

- And exactly what stereotypes are we talking about?

- Promiscuity!! Stephan, why is it so hard for most men to have morals. I mean if we want equality, we must destroy this horrible image that society has of us.

- I find it rather naïve of you to assume that all gay men are like that. I mean there has gotta be straight couples that do the same.

- Of course there are, but the difference is that sadly we have to prove ourselves in our society and they don’t. I hate that it has to be that way, but the reality is that it is, and it sucks man.

Stephan was getting extremely mad at me. Mostly because he is one of the people that changed as soon as he decided to be more open. He was a total nerd who would stay at home and read books, but ever since he came out he felt the need to party twice a week and sleep around with every guy that would look his way. He is my friend, and I can’t judge his life, but it worries me that a person feels the need to change their ways in order to fit in with a new crowd.

- Listen, you may not be used to all this, but sadly you are gonna experience the harsh truth of the gay lifestyle and notice that you will not always be in control of the situation, and things will happen. Some you might regret, some you won’t. But don’t you dare start judging us just because you are a bitter virgin who doesn’t know a fuck about being a fag.

- Listen to yourself man! Your saying that in order to be attracted to men I must change my way of being and accept casual sex from random strangers because that is part of being gay. That is bullshit and very closed minded of you.

- Shut the fuck up because I really don’t wanna argue with you. I like my life ok, I enjoy going to the clubs, dressing this way and being more feminine. Don’t say that I changed in order to fit it because I didn’t. Deep down I always felt the need to be more liberated, and now I am doing that. No more repressed feelings, no more hiding.

I just stared at his face as tears slid down his cheeks. In a way I understood where he was coming from, but I still didn’t think that he wanted to accept that what I was saying is true. He is probably wondering that if a gay guy like me cannot understand or sometimes even accept certain gay behavior, then what hope was there for the rest of the world.

We stood silent in the car for a while. Stephan kept his eyes on the road and pretended as if he was alone in the car. I must admit that the drive was extremely awkward, but at the same time I felt happy to be able speak my mind, knowing that my argument was valid, even though it was way judgmental. We finally arrived at my house, he simply parked the car and said goodnight without even looking at me.

- Man, look at me. I didn’t mean to judge you or anything, but you have to admit that I am right about all this. You just choose not to accept the truth. You gotta learn to accept your own faults and understand that you are not perfect, just like I must learn that not all homos are like the ones at the club, you have to see that some are not into that kind of stuff and just look for a normal boring relationship.

- I know, but you just…you just don’t know how long I have waited to experience this life. Being surrounded with so many guys like me and being able to be myself without the fear of rejection. But just like you are preaching to me, I gotta say that if you don’t break down those walls you put around yourself, you are never gonna find someone. Try not to push away every guy who shows interest.

It was clear to me that Stephan did not really get where I was coming from. He believes that I am still scared of what people think. And it’s true in a way seeing that the biggest fear that I have is rejection. Yet at the same time I was just trying to explain that…you know what never mind, you get my point.

- Sure thing man, I’ll work on it. Give it some time.

I didn’t go back to the bar with Stephan, even though he actually invited me to join him whenever I felt ready to. Instead I decided to check out a regular bar, just because I needed a drink and wasn’t in the mood to get hit on. I went inside and quickly noticed the many light shining from the DJ’s podium. The music was loud and there were many sweaty people dancing the night away, bumping and grinding their bodies. I decided to sit at the bar and ordered a Mojito. The bartender handed me the frosty glass, I grabbed it and swiveled my stool in order to observe the people around me. On the far corner I saw a woman in a short black dress making out with a business type man on a couch. On the dance floor where the many people dancing their horrible hump dance and whispering words in each other’s ears. Towards the bathrooms I saw some blonde chick pulling a man by his tie into the restroom. I then turned back towards the bar smiling and took a sip of my drink. I looked at the woman next to me, she was mixing her drink with her finger and quickly sucked it dry while giving me a seductive wink. Goddamn it, don’t come next to me. A tall man approached her and said: Does that dress open from the back or over the shoulder? That’s the worst one so far. She simply stared at him seriously and said: well start off with a drink and maybe you will find out. I couldn’t help myself and burst out in laughter. The man came up to me and grabbed me by the shoulder.

- What’s wrong faggot? You have a problem with me? Do yourself a favor and don’t laugh…better yet keep your mouth shut .

- No man, it’s all good. Don’t mind me.

- Cause I swear you was laughing at me.

- Should I have a reason to laugh at you “2”?

- No you don’t.

- Then I guess that’s settled, now run along before she changes her mind (or becomes sober).

I took one last look around the bar. So I guess this is what they call Irony. The bartender came up to me and asked if he could get me another Mojito. As I waited I looked at the man who was approaching the woman next to me. Can I guess you sign? He told her. I just smiled this time and looked at the floor. The bartender came back and handed me my drink, I lifted it in the air. Cheers! To humanity: the amusing and the hopeless…


© Copyright 2018 Adrian Chambers DeLarge. All rights reserved.

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