My Life After Death

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Friday August 13, 2010, was the last time I woke up in my room and made plans for the day. Happily getting ready to meet up with friends. The next time I would wake up would be 3 weeks later. In a hospital bed, only to realize the life I once lived... was over.

I was born in the Soviet Union, and things were not easy for my family. I am an only child, and my parents wanted to give me as many opportunities as they could so I would have a good happy life. After looking into some things, they decided we would all move to Canada. This was a new country, and unlike Russia, would provide us with many possibilities .

The first few years for us were very hard. It was in Canada where I finally learned about the Cold War, and why many felt the need to call me a ‘commie.’

As the years passed, things became better for me, but not for my parents as they had trouble adapting to a country that was not theirs. So they placed all of their hopes and dreams on me.
I was intent on making a good life for myself. I worked hard, and received a small scholarship to attend the University of Toronto. After graduation I had my whole life ahead of me. This however did not last long.
I have never once in my life had a problem with the law. I never did anything illegal and was a good citizen. My only fault was that I completely had my guard down when a young male police officer decided to interact with me.
As a direct result of this ‘interaction’ I am now physically disabled for the rest of my life and spend about 99.9% of my day in bed. The ‘Special Investigations Unit’ was assigned and quickly made it clear to me: I had no witnesses. It was my word against a Police Officer, so therefore it means nothing. I have no case. If I know what is good for me I will keep my mouth shut.
I have lost track of how many lawyers I’ve tried to contact. Because I am making such a claim against a Police Officer I am avoided like wildfire. I have no case.
The only thing I had left to do is to write about some of my experiences in the hopes that others can read my story and not be as naïve as I was. I paid an incredibly high price for my stupidity, and I hope that I can prevent at least one other person from making the same mistakes.

 

This Is My Life Now

 

In the beginning I had no doubt
I would return to the way I once was
There was no question about it

Years have now passed

Things didn't go back to the way they once were
And I finally realized I would never return to the way I once was

It took 3 years to finally realize the obvious

 
I once thought I would not live long enough to see my hair grow back
It grew back
Time went on
I got older
The nostalgia and longing for my old life got worse


I looked out the window today
And the pain cuts deep

For me, the outside world is out of reach

It's there
It's real
But I am no longer part of it


I burry my face in my pillow and let the tears come
They always come


Every day is the same day
An overwhelmingly long day


 
I look into a mirror
The same face I see every day looks back at me
She frowns
At least I think that's what that facial expression is
A face that is held together with so much metal seems more robotic than human


My back hurts now, so I should lie down completely
That's also held together with metal
So are many other parts of my body

I don't have the strength to make a list of what's held in place with metal bolts and screws


I rest my bionic self in bed
As comfortably as I can
And sigh


 
My heart hurts...
Now that part is still human

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Submitted: July 09, 2015

© Copyright 2020 Criss Sole. All rights reserved.

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Comments

H. Adams

I think all I can say is that I have a huge amount of respect for you as a human being. This was beautiful and sad and hopeful and depressing all wrapped into one elegantly gorgeous poem. The emotion was raw and real. These words must have so much meaning to you as a person and I really felt something special when I read them. Right now, I just have to ask you to be strong. I know you must hear that a lot, but I think it's the most support I can give you right now... You're a strong woman. Stay that way. Show the people who doubt you and put you down that you're a better person than them. You're brave for writing this and you continue to be brave by living. Please keep writing and putting your feelings into words, because this was amazing. I hope to see some more poetry from you soon and I wish you the best.

Thu, July 9th, 2015 9:02am

Author
Reply

Thank you so much. That really means a lot to me. I really appreciate that you took the time to read this. Kind people like you give me a reason to keep going... even though a lot of the time I find it so hard... because one day I lost so much.

Thu, July 9th, 2015 2:06am

MBQ

a beautiful wise poem from someone that heard my pain quite some time ago your comment to one my poems helped me so much at that time you felt my pain and so to see you in this situation & feel your pain now .....may your caring heart and intuitive intelligent mind heal your body quickly. Have you heard of the artist/painter Chuck Close - check out his paintings and see the huge disability i think a stroke that he suffered not only did that not stop him painting but it pushed his creativity to genius i feel. Check out this link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5zXOSWRzwE

Thu, July 9th, 2015 11:33am

Author
Reply

Thank you so much! I will do that for sure :) It means a lot to me that you stopped by and can understand where I am coming from.

Thu, July 9th, 2015 4:36am

Maria Linda

I feel the tormenting pain this poem is expressing.
I sense the extraordinary strength of the writer.
I admire the way the poem has highlighted the human heart of a "bionic" woman.

And yes, I see the lovely hair in that picture. Is that you Criss? I love the color of your hair and I'm thinking having my hair colored the same. Smile :)

Fri, July 24th, 2015 9:48am

Author
Reply

Yes all of the photos are of me. A couple of months after the fall. I look at those photo now and it breaks my heart. I see a naive girl who knew in her heart that all she needed was to have the casts removed and she would go back to her life, just the way it was. This August will be 5 years since my fall. My life had never been the same. Not even close. But hey... on the bright side my hair has now gotten pretty long and I experiment with dying it different colors all the time. But I think I like blond the best :) Thank you so much Maria for stopping by and reading more of my work. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Fri, July 24th, 2015 4:54am

Silvius

This is very beautiful, just like you. Keep breathing; keep writing. your struggles are not in vain.

Fri, July 24th, 2015 3:25pm

Author
Reply

Thank you dear.

Fri, July 24th, 2015 8:43am

Jeff Bezaire

A very touching poem. It takes a strong person to go on living when they know their life will never be as it was. You are a strong person, Criss. Never lose your strength. Never lose hope in life. Your fall did not defeat you, don't let yourself be the one who defeats you. I have your book on my reading list, I'll be starting it tonight or tomorrow. It may take me some time to get through it, but I will read it from beginning to end, and I'll leave you a comment. Keep your spirit alive! Stay strong! Sending you love from a fellow Canadian. xo

Fri, July 24th, 2015 9:49pm

Author
Reply

Thank you so much Jeff. My autobiography is very controversial. I have been called a liar left and right. I did not write it to become famous or rich. I just wanted people to be aware that things like this happen. For me it will be 5 years this August since I have become disabled. And amazingly enough... every year gets harder and harder. Everything I write is 100%. All I ask is for people to be kind and show me some support so I can keep going. Thank you for your kind words.

Sat, July 25th, 2015 1:58am

kjforce

Criss.. I can relate to the trauma of loosing one's life as we knew it Your words in this write hit home and I feel your frustration...Writing is the best therapy in the world,and it's free !
I have been using this therapy myself, expressing my anger/pain/aggitation and frustrations through my stories , poems and I have not served any jail time yet... look forward to sharing more with you...perhaps e-mail ? kjforce

Fri, August 14th, 2015 7:03am

Author
Reply

I am sorry for the late reply. Thank you so much for reading some of my work. I really appreciate that you can understand where I am coming from, and I would love to stay in contact.

Mon, August 17th, 2015 2:12am

ClairyCherry

Your emotions spilled through this poem and I could detect so many emotions. I liked how your tone of voice shifted that your dream of wanting for everything to go back to normal again collided with reality. I liked how you presented yourself in this poem and showed your vulnerable side. You portrayed yourself very detailed of being numb and feeling like an outsider. I liked how you went in detail with looking at your facial expression in the mirror, and it showed yourself in a whole new different light. I saw your pictures, and I am truly sorry for what happened to you. But keep staying strong! And keep on writing pieces about this because poems reveal the real you and I think some people could relate to this.

LIKE

Sat, September 19th, 2015 12:26am

Author
Reply

Thank you so much for such a touching comment. I apologize for the late response. I have been unwell and it's been a very rough week. Thank you again. You gave me something to smile about.

Thu, September 24th, 2015 12:36am

wily geist

WOW! Sadly, this was amazingly sad and poignant. It hurt me to read, as the pain and suffering went through is transferred with your words. You seem strong and remarkable person. Keep strong and keep trying everyday. Try to laugh when you can. I so sorry and sad this happened to you.

Thu, September 24th, 2015 5:45pm

Author
Reply

Thank you so much for the kind words. People reading my writing and finding out what happened to me is what keeps me going in all honesty. Your comment meant a lot.

Fri, September 25th, 2015 1:58am

kezzalouise

Inspirational,and beautifully written

Sun, October 18th, 2015 3:07pm

Author
Reply

That means a lot to me. Thank you.

Sun, October 18th, 2015 8:09am

Islebabe

This was sad and uplifting all in the same breath. Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Sun, October 18th, 2015 7:12pm

Author
Reply

Thank you so much for taking the time to read it. I look forward to reading your writing.

Mon, October 19th, 2015 12:12am

DestinyOdeh

Wow! Criss you are so brave, talented and your writing is so beautiful. Stay strong, stay talented and stay beautiful. Trust me, you still have a lot of life left in you.

Mon, October 19th, 2015 9:50pm

Author
Reply

Thank you... that means a lot to me.

Tue, October 20th, 2015 12:21am

eckhardt134

That was depressingly beautiful.. I could never write something with this kind of emotion. Well done, you have true talent, and I look forward to reading more of your work.

Tue, October 20th, 2015 7:13pm

Author
Reply

Thank you so much. Your words mean a lot to me.

Tue, October 20th, 2015 12:27pm

Ashley I Read

You can tell this is from the heart as it really evokes emotion when reading. One of my favourite poems read on here.

Thu, October 29th, 2015 9:45am

Author
Reply

Thank you so much Ashley. After having read some of your writing, your comment means a lot to me and I feel honored.

Fri, October 30th, 2015 9:11am

DJcyan

Ugh, no man. Why? This is sad. Too sad. Too much feels. I like this a lot. It's super great and emotional and I love it. I need to read more, like all of your other stuff now. Please do me a favour and read my story "Heartbreakers". Or really do whatever you want. I have no control over you. Just asking. Anywho, seeya around! ~DJ

Fri, October 30th, 2015 9:22pm

Author
Reply

Thank you so much for the kind words. They mean a lot to me. And I always return the favor. I think you are an amazing writer.

Sat, October 31st, 2015 1:44am

Silica

I love your writing style, and how you can share your feelings over a simple screen on to the writer.
I think that is impressive.
I would do me great honor if you could read first chapter or my Novela and give me your feedback.

Mon, November 2nd, 2015 7:28pm

Author
Reply

Thank you dear :) You are a very promising writer.

Tue, November 3rd, 2015 2:06am

Nazir sarmila

Criss really you are amazing. Pretending to be okay is painful but when you over come that pain I am sure it will change you totally perfect and okay. Human world and soul doesn't depends on their body it actually hooked with heart and mind. I usually say to everyone that thoughts can restore your life with all you want. Your line, things didn't go back to the way once they were...will make you away from happiness.... Yes I agree,
Things didn't go back to the way once they were but still it can be move to the better way which you might didn't get in those days...it can be possible only by positive thoughts.
No medicine and treatment can make magic except your mind and thoughts...
Reading your poems I need to appreciate your pure and innocent heart and mind. Just put them together to make your days happier than before.
I am looking forward for your future writings.

Tue, November 10th, 2015 4:37am

Author
Reply

You are right. I have been negative for a long time. I experience a lot of pain and do not have money for simple things like medication I need. But I need to start thinking differently.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my poem and for the wonderful comment. It means a lot.

Mon, November 9th, 2015 10:56pm

Joe Kent Roberts

Hi Criss. Very moving Poem. I lived in the Crimea from December 7th 2007 until the end of March.The Cops in America can kill and maim with impunity, therefore I was astonished that the City Police in the Crimea were Always so courteous and helpful. My favorite Russian word is Babushka. I love the way it sounds and rolls off the tongue. Dobre Den, Kag da La, Po shals da.I fully understand why you were so naive about Canadian Cops.I greatly enjoyed the Beauty, and Hospitality of the Crimean People and the way they Honored their Veterans from WW2. The Crimea had the Finest Champagne, Fruit Wines, Vodka and Delicious beers. I Never saw so many delicious Chocolates in my Life. The Big Grocery Store in City Center Simferopol has two 24 foot aisles devoted to Magnificent Chocolates. The Breads & the Foods were fabulous. I'll keep you in my Prayers.

Fri, November 13th, 2015 5:20am

Author
Reply

I thank you so much for your understanding.
I remember when I first came out of a coma, and began to tell the hospital staff about what happened to me they began to treat me very differently. Without my parents consent they would have a hypnotist come by and "give me a new memory." My parents were in shock when they found out about this and asked them why I would need a need memory. In return they were told that if they kept complaining and asking so many questions, their rights to visit me at the hospital would be taken away. As I write this I can't believe it myself.
Months later I found out that since I woke up from a coma and started taking I was also prescribed strong anti psychotics. My parents asked many times what I was on because I was acting strange and in return were lied to.
Thank you for such a kind comment. It really made my day. I have been visiting doctors this week so I am late to reply, and it warms my heart to know someone out there cares.

Sat, November 14th, 2015 1:09am

BernieSanders2016

Very moving, never stop writing. Pursue your dreams at all costs, nothing can extinguish the flame of passion.

Sun, November 15th, 2015 11:44pm

Author
Reply

Thank you.

Sun, November 15th, 2015 11:32pm

Kriss Kumiko

Wow... I've never read something so beautiful. The emotion of it is simply stunning. Absolutely awe inspiring.

Sun, December 6th, 2015 3:25pm

Author
Reply

Thank you dear.

Sun, December 6th, 2015 7:40am

The Great Towel

Wow this is a very moving poem. I'm respect that you still have the will to write and so well at that. Very powerful, I am happy I ready this.

Mon, December 14th, 2015 4:58pm

Author
Reply

Thank you so much. Writing helps me. In a way it is like therapy after everything I've been through. Thank you for taking the time to read it.

Tue, December 15th, 2015 7:18am

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