Here I Come Mom

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
Suicidal Girl

Submitted: June 07, 2014

A A A | A A A

Submitted: June 07, 2014

A A A

A A A


I woke up to the bright light shining through Anya’s living room. I rolled over and saw her sitting on the floor, sipping a cup of tea. I sat up and yawned. I forgot why I had stayed at Anya’s. Oh yeah, Rachel and Maribel were over. My almost stepmom and my almost stepsister. Anya just lived a few blocks away, so I always turned to her when I needed her. My dad hates when I hang out with her because she’s 23 and I’m 15. Anya has always been there for me and he doesn’t understand that. When mom died, she was there for me, even while my other friends gave up. She never did. She still hasn’t given up on me.

 

“Oh Hayley, you’re up.” She said, turning and smiling.

 

I smiled back and started to braid her long brown hair. She loved to have her hair braided and I usually did it for her. It saved her time getting ready for work, so we had more time to hang out. She works at Starbucks, so sometimes I stop by and get a free coffee or bagel or something. I got off the couch and traveled to the bathroom down the hall. I had forgotten to keep my sweat pants on last night and my scars were visible on my legs, under my shorts. I prayed Anya hadn’t noticed. She didn’t need to know. I didn’t want to hurt her anymore then I already had.

As I grabbed my coffee to go and pulled my sweater over my head, I hurried out.

 

“Bye Hayley, come back when you need someone to talk to.” Anya screamed through the door.

 

“Bye.” I said back, unsure she’d even hear me.

 

As I arrived at my house I didn’t even bother getting dressed. I was already two hours late to school, what was the point in going? I flopped down on my bed and stared up at my posters. They were all put up by my dad when I was like seven. Hannah Montana, Jonas Brothers, all that. Now I was too short to get them down and my dad was always busy with a case or Rachel. I find it weird that my dad is 37 and dating a 31 year old. Rachel doesn’t look 31, but she is. She looks like she’s mid twenties, but her daughter is 15, so that would make no sense. Her daughter, Maribell, hates my guts. She seems to think I’m the worst person alive. To be honest, so do I.

 

My mom died when I was ten. She hung herself from the ceiling fan in her and my dad’s room. I found her. I screamed to my dad and he came in. We both sat there, crying for a solid three minutes before he got her off the fan and called the police. It was probably the worst night of my life. Karma, my younger sister, was only a year old at the time. She always asks about mom and wants to know everything about her. She hates Rachel and tells her so everyday. She does love Henry, our half brother. I love him too, but I hate that his mother is Rachel and he’ll never know what my mother was like. He’ll never care. Why would he, it’s not his mom.

 

“Hayley, are you here?” I heard from my door.

 

“Yeah, come on in Karma.” I said, flopping over to face the door.

Karma came right on in and ran over to me. She had something in her hands, behind her back.

 

“What you got Karma?” I asked, trying to peek.

 

“Nothing.” She said, smirking.

 

“Come on, show me.” I said, pouting.

 

“Fine, fine.” She said, pulling her hand out from behind her back.

 

It was a necklace. One I recognized. Mom’s. She was wearing it the day she died. Dad gave it to her on their wedding night. It was her favorite necklace. It was a small silver heart with tiny diamonds in it. It was beautiful.

 

“Karma, where did you find this?” I said, seriously.

 

“Daddy was going to give it to Rat.” She said.

 

“I told you not to call Rachel that, it pisses dad off.” I said, fighting back a smile.

 

“I know, I know.” she said, looking down at the necklace.

 

“I can not believe dad was going to..” I said, unable to finish.

 

Dad knew that was mom’s. It was important to her, to all of us. She had worn that everyday of her married life. Everyday. Yet dad wanted to give it to his soon to be new wife. It was bad enough they had a kid and were getting married. Trying to turn her into mom? That was unacceptable.

 

“Lemme see that, I’ll talk to dad.” I said, taking the necklace from Karma.

 

I jumped down the stairs, two at a time. As I reached the bottom, I quickly pulled my blonde hair up in one of the rubber bands hiding my wrists. I made my way into the kitchen to see a cooking Rachel and dad reading a newspaper.

 

“Dad, can we talk, alone?” I said, empathizing the alone part.

 

“What’s wrong with right here?” He asked, not even looking up.

 

“That I said I wanted to talk in private.” I said, getting mad.

 

“I have to pee anyways Martin, I’ll leave.” She said, taking off her oven mitts.

 

“Thanks.” I grumbled.

 

“Fine Hay, what do you need?” Dad asked, still reading.

 

“Can you put down the damn paper dad and listen to me?!” I said, raising my voice.

 

“What do you want Hayley!” Dad said, slamming down his paper.

 

“Can you explain why you would dare try and give this to Rachel?” I said, holding up the necklace.

 

“Because I love her and it’s my necklace.” Dad said, sipping his coffee.

 

“This is mom’s necklace, mom wore this the day you married her and the day she died, this is mom’s necklace.” I said, still holding the necklace.

 

“Well you’re mother is dead now, isn’t she?” Dad said, returning to his paper.

 

“I wish it had been you.” I said, turning back to go upstairs.

 

I really did mean that. My mother was just like me. Exactly like me. Blonde hair, green eyes, short, skinny, depressed, a self harmer. We were practically the same person. I loved her with all my heart and when she died, I died inside. My whole self crumbled when I saw her, hanging there from the fan. I thought my dad had been the same, until this moment. I saw how little he truly cared about my mother, or at least about her suicide.Maybe he would understand more if it was me this time.

 

Karma was no longer in my room, which was a good thing. I could not handle her right now. I don’t think I could handle anyone. I grabbed my phone and texted Jen.

 

H- Jen, what r u doing right now?

J- Nothing really, chillin’ w/ Lydia and Kelli, Y?

H- Pick me up?

J- Be there in ten.

 

I was so thankful to have friends like Jen, Lydia, and Kelli. I’d know Jen and Lydia since birth and Kelli was new to our school. She was 18 and a senior, but she was a “loser” like us. So, she hung with us sophomore's and fit right in. In exactly ten minutes, Jen was outside and honking. I grabbed the bag I’d packed and jumped down the stairs.

 

“Where are you going?” My dad said, not looking up from the paper.

 

“None of your business.” I said, slamming the door.

Kelli was already on the hood, red hair down and wavy, a cigarette in her mouth. She jumped off, spit it out and crushed it with her heel.

 

“Where’s Tatiana?” I asked, hugging Kelli.

 

“No one really knows, probably with Nick or Anya or something.” Kelli replied, offering me a cigarette.

 

I shook my head no and climbed into the back of Jen’s car. She was only 15, but her dad was a cop so she got to break the rules a little. Same with Maribell, since Rachel is also a cop. I hated most cops, but Freddie Kartell was the funniest, nicest cop ever. Plus, he loved all of Jen’s friends, even Kelli and Anya. He got Anya out of jail when she was younger for underage drinking, just because she knew Jen and us.

 

“So you guys don’t know where Tatiana is?” I asked Lydia and Jen.

 

They both shook their heads no. Jen probably didn’t even know what she just disagreed to because she was too busy messing with her short black hair. She’d just gotten a pixie cut last week and she was always messing with it now. It always looked fine, she had the face for it. She also pulled off black hair because her green eyes pulled the entire look together. She was probably the prettiest of us, other than maybe Kelli.

 

“Nope, haven’t seen her since four thirty and it’s like, six now right?” Lydia asked, pinning back her brown bangs with a bobby pin.

 

“Yeah, who knows where she is now.” Kelli said, climbing into the back seat next to me.

 

“I’ll text her.”

 

H- Hey, Tat, where r u?

T- At salon, contemplating going red.

H- NO, you look good naturally blonde

T- Blonde is boring

H- Oh thanks

T- Anytime ;)

 

“She’s at the salon again.” I said, as we pulled into the gas station.

 

“God, how much money does she spend on nails?” Kelli asked, pulling out another cigarette.

 

“She’s considering dying her hair red actually.” I said, showing the messages.

 

“She better not, I’m the ginger in this group.” She said, messing with her lighter.

 

“Kelli, why do you smoke?” I asked, truly wondering.

 

“To die.” She said, blowing smoke into my face.

 

I coughed and she laughed. Lydia was inside, buying gum while Jen messed with the radio. I checked my phone to see if Tat had texted back but she hadn’t. Maybe she was driving or something.

 

“Hayley, how old are you again?” Kelli asked, rubbing a smudge off her boots.

 

“Fifteen, why?” I said,climbing on to the hood.

 

“When I was fifteen, I started smoking and I attempted suicide.” Kelli said, flicking the last bit of cigarette she had.

 

“So, what does this have to do with me?” I said, confused.

 

“I don’t want you to be like me Hayley.” Kelli said, turning to me.

 

“Well, I don’t smoke, I haven’t attempted suicide, so we’re good.” I said, turning away.

 

Okay that last part had been a lie, but she did not need to know that. None of them did. Especially Tatianna. I loved her to death, but she was also friends with my worst enemies. Adrianna, Heather, Seth and Logan. Here’s more about these stupid airheads.

 

Adrianna Tate is a sixteen year old rich, popular, pretty girl who hates everyone who makes less money than her. She’s your stereotypical blonde haired, blue eyed, popular cheerleader type. She is so much more than that. She is one of the meanest girls in our entire school.

Heather Winters is seventeen and a grade above me. So, a junior. She is the most popular girl in school. Everyone loves her and is terrified by her. Except us, because we couldn’t care less. She has extremely long brown hair, blue eyes, is somehow an honor student (okay, she has people do her homework, according to Tatiana) and head cheerleader. All the teachers love her, she she would have straight A’s even if she didn’t get people to do her homework.

Seth and Logan Jennings are jocky, seventeen year old twins. Both blonde, both green eyed, both rude and sexist. Seth is dating Adrianna’s older sister, Aurie Tate. More on her later. Logan is dating Heather. Not much else about them except they are the rudest, most sexist boys I have ever met.

 

Aurie Tate is, like I said, Adrianna’s older sister. She’s nineteen, blue eyed, blonde hair. She waitresses at this bar and grill across from the school, so she gives everyone free beer. I do not know how she’s kept her job so long.

All of those people have tortured me and my friends for so long, but Tatiana loves them. Whatever though, it’s her life.

 

“If you ever need help with family stuff Hayley, I’m here.” Kelli said.

 

“Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.” I said, rolling my eyes.

 

“Hey Hayley, your dad called mine, I have to take you home.” Jen yelled from inside the car.

 

“Fine.” I said, slipping off the car.

 

When they dropped me off, I tried to quietly get inside, but my dad was right there waiting. With Rachel, Maribell, Karma and Henry. I didn’t care that Henry was there, he’s not even two yet, so what could he do? What bothered me was that Maribell was here.

 

“Look who finally showed up.” Maribell said sarcastically.

 

“Oh shut up.” I said, rolling my eyes.

 

“Hayley Abigail Jacobs, do NOT speak to your sister that way!” My dad boomed.

 

“She is not my sister, and do not use my middle name.” I said, raising my voice and blinking back tears. Abigail was my mother’s name.

 

“I will call you whatever I want, I am your father.” He yelled.

 

“Stop screaming Martin, let’s have a calm conversation.” Rachel said, patting his hand.

 

“Oh jesus Rachel, will you please shut up?” I said.

 

“Do not talk to her that way, she is almost your mother!” Dad screamed, standing up.

 

“She will never be my mother, my mother is dead and it’s probably your fault you sexist, selfish jerk!” I screamed.

 

Karma started to cry and picked up Henry. Rachel gestured for them to go upstairs and Karma ran out of the room.

 

“Want to know the truth? It was your fault she killed herself Hayley!” Dad screamed, getting closer.

 

“No.” I said.

 

“Yes, it was. She knew you were going to be like her, exactly like her. She couldn’t live with that so, she offed herself.” Dad shouted.

 

“That’s not true, that can not be true.” I shouted back. It could not be true, mom loved me.

 

“It is true, why can’t you just accept things Hayley!” He shouted.

 

“Why can’t you accept me!” I screamed.

 

He slapped me. Right across the face. Rachel gasped and stood up. I felt my face and my mouth dropped open. My dad had never been violent.

 

“I wish it had been you instead of your mother.” He said through his teeth.

 

“Well, l guess there’s only one thing to do about that.” I said and turned to the stairs.

 

“Martin, go talk to her.” I heard Rachel say.

 

“Nope, she can die for all I care.” Dad said. I heard his newspaper crinkle.

 

Well his wish would come true. I was well stocked for this moment. Pills saved over the years, a gun, a few dozen razors, basically everything you could think of. I decided on a rope and some razors. I took of my sweat pants to reveal a leg full of cuts and I ripped off my bracelets to show every cut and burn on my arms. It was horrifying in the mirror. I locked my door and picked up the razors. I cut over old cuts and made new ones. I cut until the razor felt dull and I felt dizzy. I pulled my stool under my ceiling fan and tied the rope to the fan and around my neck. I thought about Karma, about my friends, about mom. I stopped for a second and got down. I grabbed a pen and paper and wrote:

 

Karma, Anya, Tatiana, Kelli, Lydia, Jen, Henry and anyone else who ever actually cared (you know who you are),

I love you so much, I am so sorry.

 

I cried as I finished the note and recapped the pen. I set the paper down and almost fell. I was losing blood fast. I heard Rachel and Karma banging on the door but it sounded a million years away, on a different planet. I got back up and put the rope back around my neck. Tears streamed down my face as I thought about all those rich, popular bullies, all those people in the halls calling me short, ugly, skinny, dead girl walking, girl with the crazy mom, girl with the dead mom, all other sorts of names. My own dad. I knew this was what I had to do. To show them that words hurt, that I’m not a freak, that I was beautiful, I was perfect. Until they made me feel flawed.

“Here I come mom.” I said.

 

I kicked the stool and everything stopped.

 


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