Living with an eating disorder is hard and the longer it goes on the worse it gets and harder for you to get better. Just when you think that your better you can backslide in an instant. Months worth of eating regularly and not weighing yourself can be undone in an instant by a cruel unthought-of of comment from someone you know like “Are you pregnant? Cause you’ve put on weight.” Waking up every morning is a struggle, you always feel like you have no energy whether you have eaten much the day before or not.
If it’s been a bad week and you have hardly eaten anything you feel dizzy and faint and just want to lay in bed but you can’t because your son is jumping on the bed next to you demanding breakfast. So you make yourself get up and grab a can of energy drink to perk you up while trying not to throw up at the sight of your son’s breakfast. You avoid offers to go out and catch a bite to eat so that you won’t feel forced to have to eat in front of people because that makes the anxiety worse and makes you more likely to throw whatever you do manage to eat back up. And when you do manage to eat you feel sick to your stomach and have to force it to stay down.
If it’s been an ok week and you have been eating you wake up feeling nauseous because after five years of abuse your body is not good at coping with food so you spend half of the morning on the toilet either constipated or with diarrhea. You manage to keep eating knowing that it’s for the better good because if you keep up what you’ve been doing you could kill yourself but it’s still a struggle.
This is what I have been living with for the past five years ever since I got cheated on by the first guy I feel in love with, with an ugly girl who was super skinny. This is not the only thing that caused it but it was as they say the final straw that broke the camel’s back. And since then I have been going from average, where I sometimes eat sometimes don't eat for a few days depending on how fat I feel, to perfect where I eat what I want and don't stress, that was mainly when I was pregnant with my son and had to eat for him, to extremes where I starve myself completely until I collapse and wind up in hospital, thankfully that only happened once almost two years ago.
No matter what phase you are in but you always feel like crying when you look at yourself in the mirror. Even after losing a few kg’s and fitting into that size 0 dress I bought I was still convinced that I’m too fat because I needed help zipping it up because it has an invisible zip on the side and those are evil to try to do up yourself it didn't matter I couldn't put it on myself so I must still be too fat.
You spend days calorie counting and obsessing over every single thing that goes near your mouth and talking to your psychiatrist and doctor about how much you have eaten and agreeing on a goal weight you can get down to before they start getting worried mine is still 4-5 kg’s to loose until they make me stop. You try to put off blood tests to find out if you have damaged you kidney, liver or heart from throwing up because you really don't want to know until your doctor forces you to do it my making your weekly therapy session down at where you have to get the blood test.
I live every day convinced that I am a horrible ugly person that no one could really love because of how I have been treated so I try to counteract those feelings by trying to be pretty and skinny because people tend to like people even if they are horrible as long as they are beautiful because we live in a society where beauty is more important then other qualities. So I refuse to eat because my size is one of the only things I can change other then my hair colour to make myself look beautiful. Even though I know that I am small and not a horrible person after my life it’s hard to believe what I know is true. Hopefully one day soon I will get better and stay better but until that day this is how I feel and act.
So next time you walk down the street and see a girl who is obviously suffering an eating disorder don't judge her and think shes just an attention seeker or vain because usually their caused by underlying issues or trauma in childhood and are the most unhappy person you will probably ever meet they just hide it with a fake smile and say “I’m fine.”
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