Every day as I get out of bed the same thought enters my head.
Will I laugh will I smile? What will today hold?
Is the day going to hold happiness and fun?
Or will I just want to crawl into bed and never wake?
As I wonder this I do the morning routine I shower and eat.
I get ready for the day ahead be it long or short the routine is the same.
But when the mood of the day is established the feelings change.
If I am happy ill look forward to the days plans meeting friends, shopping and having fun.
Ill take pride in getting ready to see them and smile the whole time.
But if the day’s mood is low I have to force myself out of bed.
Dreading the day I get out of bed as late as possible.
Ill do what I have to do to get ready all the while wondering if it’s worth it.
Should I bother going out?
Would anybody even care if I just stay in bed all day?
Or even better if I never wake up. No one would miss me.
This thought in the morning can cause mixed emotions on low days.
Sadness that it’s true, peace that nothing really matters and guilt for my family for even contemplating giving up.
When I am happy I feel guilty and sad for these thoughts.
I think of how much my family would miss me even if nobody else will.
And vow to never let these feelings consume me completely.
But when I wake up on low days my thoughts wonders to this easy solution.
To the pain killers and alcohol in the house.
I go through the days routines and want to give up completely.
But even when I am as low as iv ever been my family wont leave my head.
My wonderful mum how can I give up after she’s sacrificed everything for me.
My frail Nan who I love more then anything. Can I put her through the stress of losing a grand child at her age?
Of my dad and uncle and how much they do for me.
And my sister who needs some one to help her out and love her no matter what.
I think of how much I hate my life and myself on bad days but I know I could never be so selfish.
No mater how low I get or how insignificant I may feel I love my family too much to cause them harm.
So I push on through each day with a smile on my face no matter my mood.
And only let the tears fall on the inside.
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