If I’m writing this down, it’s because I can’t seem to ever find the right moment, the right way, the right mood to tell you what I’m about to tell you. Part of it is really because I’m scared; scared of what you’ll think, of what will happen between us. It’s tough to know what to say, how to explain it, because there might be nothing to explain at all. Sometimes I wish you would just understand...
I think the time has come for me to stop lying to myself. Those are the worst lies that you can ever tell, especially because you can start believing them. I don’t want to continue like this... all sad and depressed... worrying and worrying. There’s nothing worse than living a life that’s not yours. It robs you of your soul and drains all of your blood, leaving you neither living nor dead. I honestly don’t know how I’ve managed to keep this to myself for so long. How did I manage to lie to myself for years? I must be a terrible person.
As I sit here at the student center of Oakland University and watch the rain pour down, I still wonder what words would best convey my message... but above everything, I don’t know how to explain my feelings at all. There are not enough words for them.
If you’re reading this, it’s because you are important in my life. I care about you. I love you. You’re my friends...perhaps the best friends I have ever had - or will have. I went through some serious shit before meeting you, before deciding to leave home and move thousands of kilometers away. But I did that because I knew deep inside that I could fix myself. I was screwed up back then. And there is only one last step that separates me from freedom. I am about to take that step. I just want you to know that my «transformation» would not have been possible without you. You’ve changed me, for good. You helped me in ways you may not even imagine, without even knowing it. You taught me so many things. You made me feel alive again. And I love you for it.
I’m sorry I’m taking so long to take this step... it’s just that I truly have no idea how to say it. I just hope that things will stay the same. The last thing I want is to lose any one of you. But I’ve realized that being me, who I really am, is more important than anything. Now I love myself enough to know this, and I hope with all my strength that you will understand me, eventually.
I guess you could consider me to be an outcast, and as such various labels would fit me. I’ve spent enough time overcoming the overly empowering nature of labels, and I came to realize that - as much as I dislike them - they work. That’s why they’re used. It’s why they’re empowering...
I want you to know that I’ve met someone, someone very special for me. Someone I never expected to meet, or was even hoping to meet. But it happened, and I want to believe that things happen for a reason. I don’t know what will happen next, if anything at all, but I don’t want inaction to take part in my life again. Not again... The only «problem» is that this someone is a guy. That’s right, a guy, not a girl. Please keep reading. Give me a chance to tell you everything. Listen to me before judging me...
I didn’t ask for this to happen, it just did. I cannot tell you how incredibly ridiculous the way we met was. Call it pure chance, luck, random coincidence... Whatever the name, it still is freakishly weird. He made me smile inside. He gave me that warm feeling that the world is not such a terrible place after all, that hope still exists. He brings out the good in me. He empowers me. He makes me want to become a better person after every sunset...
I know how you are feeling. Actually I don’t. I have no clue how you’re feeling. How could I? Please don’t worry about wondering what «I am.» If you feel like putting a label on me, please, go ahead. In fact, I can even give you that label. I’ve had so much time to reflect, to get to know myself...
I want you to know that I do believe in love, although most of the time it might seem like I don’t give a crap. That might be just the outside. But if you dare to look a little closer, you will see. I’ve learnt that my definition of love is not conditioned to a gender. I’ve liked girls before. I almost fell in love with one of them. I’ve liked guys before. I have a chance to fall in love with one of them. I will not stop it. If it is meant to be, it will be. I just don’t want to hide anymore.
I think you know me pretty well. I’m confident that you will know that if I’m saying this it’s because it means a lot to me. You know that I’m not interested in superficial relationships. They simply don’t appeal to me because they don’t fill me. I know you know this, even if only subconsciously. And I trust that you will understand that my motives go beyond the «sexual» in «bisexual.» I might be wrong about love, most likely I am, but this type of love that transcends the world is what I want to believe in. I perfectly understand all that science has to offer about the topic, and I embrace it. I understand the views that religions have on the topic, and I embrace that too. But my mind is already made. I know what I want to believe. I know where to put my faith now. After all, it is just another way of living life. Just that. Just one more way of finding my way around this world, and giving meaning to everything in it... just another way of pursuing happiness.
I only regret not telling you this earlier and face to face. I hope you can understand. I just needed a way out, and I can’t hold it up any longer. Not when I have to explain myself to my parents in a few days...
Thank you for everything. Hopefully, the next time we meet, I’ll be able to look you in the eyes and know that my friend is still there.
© Copyright 2017 CydKnight. All rights reserved.
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