Maximum Ogredrive: Farquaad's Path

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Science Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

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Submitted: August 31, 2018

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Submitted: August 31, 2018





Maximum Ogredrive Vol. 1


We didn’t expect this to happen. They swept the nation in a matter of days. They rose from the swamps, we never saw it coming. First they came for our firearms, next our basic human rights, and then our onions, oh god, not the onions. Our precious, beloved onions. There seemed to be no hope for this lost civilization, as the world crumbled to ash, with the everso cruel ogres wiping out everything that moved. But I was different. I chose not to cower away and hide like the weak. As the world fell to its knees, I was plotting…scheming  against the ruthless orges. I rose out of my bed, and stared in the mirror. I sighed. “You just don’t know when to die, Shrek.” His odorous breath and snaggle toothed grin, I remember it all so vividly. I, Lord Farquaad, took an oath to avenge my people… and slay the ogre species once and for all. I shined my boots squeaky clean, for this was going to be a good day.

My castle, riddled with the corpses of fallen ogres, stood tall, not yet a victim of Shrek’s wrath. I stared off into the decaying city, which went into chaos shortly after the first series of ogre attacks. We were desperately holding the city down, my warriors, little in number but powerful, trained slayers. I was urging the residences of the city to leave for I was plotting something big. No... something magnanimous. Nay, something… EXPLOSIVE. I popped a tic-tac, one of the last in my stash, which is primarily why I came out of my abode in the first place, and began my journey to the ogre sanctuary. In fact, I needed to pick up some tic-tacs from the grocery store, and this is certainly more important than the salvation of the human race.  I slinked into my Toyota Highlander, which would have been only $500 extra a month with all of the bells and whistles, if the world had not been taken over by ogres, of course. I nimbly selected the most valuable tic-tacs from the local grocer, who had not collapsed because the ogres had been valuable customers. Admittedly, it was kind of awkward to see ogres in the store, however, I would give them little attention. I began my departure and stepped my abnormally small foot on the gas.

I shouted with my booming, masculine voice “Siri, where is thy nearest ogre mothership.” Siri replied, “I sense a massive ogre stench about 3 clicks south of here. Have a field day, m’lord.” As I drove closer to my destination, my orge senses were tingling, my hands shaking like a powerful earthquake. The trees were getting dense, the air humid and suffocating, when suddenly ogre feces were launched at my windshield, the ogre war cry was now apparent. “Have you not heard of windshield wipers you pathetic-” “BLAMO”!  I woke up with a throbbing headache. Where was I? How was I? When was I? Nay, this is no time for tomfoolery. I must continue, for my mission is to annihilate the ogre population.

I make an attempt to get up but can’t. I try again, but can’t. I look around. I’ve been tied to a rope, unable to move. I now notice dark silhouettes in the trees. Massive figures, standing in the pitch black, eerie forest, waiting for me to do something. So I did. I broke free from my shackles, utilizing my overwhelming strength, and sprinted down the long, seemingly endless path, clear of trees, debris, or ogres. I flee the scene and once I’m comfortable enough to look back, I do. The ogres are pursuing on all fours. Pushing and shoving each other in an attempt to get closer to me, as if they hadn’t eaten in days. When I look back I am pushed to the ground. Shrek stands before me. “Wow Shrek, wonderful timing.” I thought, as if we had to finish a story that was due in a few minutes.

Shrek attempts to speak, but I interrupt. “Save it for the man above, Shrek. It was an honor.” Shrek and I gaze at one another, his minions closing in. I take out the detonator, which I mentioned before in the story if you were paying attention. I press it and everything, everyone, and most importantly, every ogre, dies in the vicinity.  I have fulfilled my purpose, and now rest in the Heavens above, satisfied with accomplishment. I may have not saved myself, but I did salvage the most important thing of all: The human race. *cue applause*


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