Man is an Avocado

Article by: Da Lee La

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This article was written as part of a writing exercise in which a random word was selected and then to write 2500 words. My article ended up being 2617 which should have been cut down but I opted not to.. Anyway this is my attempt. My random word was AVOCADO.....

Choosing a man is like choosing an avocado. After years of experience at choosing men and avocados I know that the results are sometimes successful and sometimes very disappointing. Choosing the right man is like choosing the right avocado and a lot more serious than one would imagine.

There are different reasons for selecting avocados just as there are different reasons for selecting different men. You must now imagine that you are selecting the perfect avocado that is suitable for an avocado salad and not one that is to be mashed up for guacamole. There are avocado salad menand then there are guacamole avocado men. The avocado salad man is the one you should probably marryand hopefully he turns out to be your life long partner, whereas the guacamole avocado manserves a completely different purpose.

Everybody knows that choosing an avocado can be very deceptive; just as it is with men, and it is only when you have sliced it open that you discover the inner truth. You need to expend an enormous amount of energy to discover the inner truth of your man and as the avocado is fully sheathed in an outer shell, so it is with a man.

You may have selected what you thought was the perfect avocado for your salad only to discover it is not good enough. You can use the bits that are suitable but unfortunately you cannot use the rest and have to discard it. Alternatively you’ve sliced it open and it’s far too bruised and stringy for your salad. You could scoop out what is usable and turn it into a guacamole but alas it is just not good enough as a salad. You now have a decision to make, either you do without the avocado salad completely and by completely I mean you don’t go out and buy another one, or you mash up the good bits of the one you have and have nachos with your guacamole instead. Just as it is with the man you have chosen, once you’re committed you have to deal with whatever lies within and either use the bits you can, ignore the bits that are useless or simply discard the entire damn thing and move onto the next avocado.

Never ever, ever is there only one avocado on the shelf at the store and neither is there only one available man. There are many avocados that are right there in front of you, as there are men. You have to become very involved in choosing your avocado. You have to see it, feel it and smell it before you decide to buy it.

We all know from experience that avocados are not always what they seem. Sometimes they look perfect but they turn out as duds. The looking, feeling and smelling is the dating period. That is before you commit. Casual affairs, one night stands or short term relationships also fall under the dating banner. The long term relationship or married part is when you slice it open. You are now committed and subjected to dealing with whatever you have discovered inside. Should you have opted for marriage then it gets a whole lot more complicated if your avocado salad man is a dud.

It is not like opening a gift where the wrapping hides whatever is inside. With an avocado you know what to anticipate and that it may not always be the perfect avocado for your salad but with careful selection you make sure you hit as close to the mark as possible. After all our mothers were probably the first to teach us about selecting avocados as they too have tried to advise us on choosing a perfect man or a near perfect one at least. Any advice she would offer about what to and what not to look for is most definitely a good example of who your father is, good or bad, so be sure to check your father out very closely.

My mother never rushed choosing her avocados. She would carefully survey all the avocados at the grocery store and would immediately avoid any that looked off colour. Preferring the smooth skinned to the rough hard skinned ones, she would then tentatively touch several of them. Once she found one that held promise she would pick it up, press is gently, shake it and smell it and either put it back on the shelf or it would go into the shopping basket.

What your mother probably taught you when selecting an avocado is that there are several methods of selection. All methods have to do with the five sensory perceptions.

First it is the look of the avocado. The absolute in aesthetics and for most of us a good looking avocado is what we opt for instinctively. Does your avocado look perfectly ripe for the picking? At a glance you immediately know whether the avocado is too ripe and if you are astute you will know when an avocado is not ripe enough. For the less experienced of us we have to become more involved in the selection process.

When selecting a man for the specific purpose of marriage, and marriage is generally where most of us eventually end up, you do not naturally choose one that is still a boy-man or a man that is way past his sell by date if you are planning on marrying him or keeping him around for a while. That is unless of course you plan to use the over ripe man for your guacamole in which case it does not matter as you are only there for the life policy payouts should you marry him. However, you could simply choose amongst the different age groups for a damn good guacamole, if you get my meaning. Should you choose the boy-man and wrap him in newspaper in a dark cupboard you then stand the risk of him under developing and not reaching natural maturity. Trust me on this. No matter what age you are you will choose the avocado salad man that best serves your needs. Well that is the theory anyway.

The second sensory perception is touch. No one ever buys an avocado without touching it first. Some women are careful in handling and selecting their avocados whilst others are a lot more aggressive. Have you ever watched someone selecting their avocados?

You have those women that are respectful and do not harm the avocados they touch thus ensuring that the next woman also has a fair choice at the pickings. These are the avocado salad women andthey are women of the first order. On the other hand there are those women that aggressively go at it with hands that grab and squeeze and bruise before finally, after upsetting all the avocados on the shelf, they make off with the best available avocado. They leave behind a pile of dented and damaged avocados regardless of who is next inline to make their selection. These are the guacamole women;they are of the second order and they are happy with guacamole. This is not to say that they may not attempt to become avocado salad women, it is that they are more inclined to enjoy guacamole before they turn to avocado salad or they may originally have been avocado salad women. The problem with guacamole women is that they turn all the avocados they have into guacamole after they have left the store with the perfect avocado.

When you see and touch an avocado that has blatantly been squeezed and dented do you take it home if you want the perfect avocado for your salad? The same goes for the men that you know have been around the block several times. They have had numerous affairs and or marriages and whilst they may even hold a semblance of respectability in that you could probably mash them up and make guacamole you must remember that you set out with the intention of enjoying a fresh avocado salad. Had you set out with the intention of making guacamole then by all means choose the slightly overripe avocado, mash it up and enjoy it but don’t marry it.

Now imagine you are of the first order of women, the avocado salad woman. These women are far more circumspect and respectful in choosing their avocados. They make sure that the next woman who also wants a perfect avocado for her salad can share equally in the delights of the pickings. They do not have to damage and dent all the avocados as there are plenty to go around. They may have held many avocados but they do not damage them even though they have enjoyed guacamole in the past. Neither do they go to their friend’s, neighbours or any other woman’s house and take her avocado salad, unlike the guacamole women. Should the avocado salad women do this they will only end up with guacamole because that is what happens to overripe and used avocados and these women then stand the chance of becoming guacamole women! If you are an avocado salad women you will not like the guacamole women as they ruin your chances of ever finding the perfect avocado salad man.

Now this is very important advice for unmarried women who have not as yet made a final choice on that potential avocado. Do some research before making your choice and if your seemingly perfect avocado salad man’s mother is around watch and learn! He will eventually treat you the way he treats her. Take your time over this as it is critically important. In the absence of a potential mother-in-law discover everything you can about his past relationships as ex-wives and girlfriends hold invaluable information. Make an effort to stay on friendly terms even if you do not particularly like her and let’s be honest you will probably hate her because he does. Most importantly find out all and I mean all the details about his financial circumstances. There is nothing conniving about having this knowledge, consider it as an investment into your future.

To digress a little off the subject of avocados for a moment I believe it is pertinent to mention the leopard. You know the old saying ‘a leopard never changes its spots’: This is so true and exactly as the leopard does the man keeps his spots and changes his women. The woman on the other hand is continually changing her spots according to the man she has. How many of us will suddenly become ever so keen on camping, sky diving, golf, motor racing, the list is long, although these activities previously held absolutely no interest for us let alone actively participating in any of them.

An unseasoned avocado has an earthy, manly aroma. I also say unseasoned and stress the pun because the unseasoned man has managed to escape the clutches of the guacamole women. To understand the concept of an avocado having a masculine aroma consider it in comparison to the strawberry which has feminine associations in its aroma. There is no real smell in the unopened avocado; this only arrives once you’ve sliced it open. But you can certainly smell the pungency an overripe avocado and that means it is rotten. Potentially this is the guacamole man, he is no good for any long standing relationship and no self-respecting avocado salad woman should do more than take a glance and run away. The smell perception of an avocado has a lot more to do with the enhancements you make to your avocado salad than the actual smell of the avocado, albeit the masculine, earthy undertone. The perfect avocado salad man has a far more appetising smell than the insipid, watery one has. This is where you need to combine all the other senses with your sense of taste.

On its own the perfect avocado may taste fine but there is nothing like a bit of lemon juice, salt or salad dressing to add to its flavour. You, the woman, represent the lemon juice, the salt or the salad dressing. You put the effort into making your avocado salad suite your taste.

You may open an avocado that in every other respect is perfect but it proves to be watery and tasteless. Now you, being the flavour that enhances the avocado may try as hard as you like, you will only taste what you have added to it. That means you have chosen and maybe married a weakling and you are to be the backbone in the partnership should you choose to remain in it.

Should you cut into what should have been the perfect avocado only to discover it is only perfect to a point but hard around the pip, then you are the most unfortunate of all! This would represent the type of man that can only be revealed once you’ve tried to reach his heart. He is self centred and not very generous with his emotions. He is a mean piece of work that is to be avoided at all costs. Do not even try and add your own enhancements. Toss him out as he will probably rob you of all your generosity, love and self-respect. He will spend his life deriding and belittling you and he will kick your dog. One thing for sure if you have a cat, trust its instincts and never leave it in the care of such a man. We can all deal with a bit of bruising and work around it but we can never work with a hard, unyielding centre.

You may very well come across the absolutely perfect avocado. You know the kind that is the wholesome and buttery with a velvety texture and has no blemishes? This avocado requires little or no seasoning. You have hit the jackpot! This is your avocado salad man.

But beware the sniffers are lurking about. Who are the sniffers? They are the guacamole women. They are sniffing at your perfect avocado salad and given the chance they will run off with it and turn it into guacamole. They have spent so much time making guacamole that when they decide to make a decent avocado salad they find nothing but the end of season guacamole avocados that are left on the shelf. This is when they look to your perfect avocado salad man.

The fifth sensory perception is hearing and no you cannot hear or listen to an avocado. What you can do is listen and hear all that has been said about selecting the perfect avocado for your salad if that is what you are after. If it is guacamole you are after then that is also okay. Just know and be aware of what you get and what surprises may lay within your chosen avocado. Avocado salad women can also enjoy guacamole; they just don’t go around bruising all the avocados that are potential salad avocados thereby leaving them bruised and only useful for a good guacamole.

So yes, choosing the perfect avocado for your avocado salad is a very serious decision. A final word of advice; always buy more than one avocado and if you happen to discover the perfect one, be selfish, keep it for yourself and eat it right away. Never leave it in the refrigerator to become suitable only for guacamole or for someone else to enjoy! There are always more avocados but it may be a long while before you find the perfect one again. As for choosing the perfect man do not be deceived ladies, there is not such thing. It is women who make men as perfect as they can be.

Submitted: September 16, 2008

Young Adult writing non-fiction men article excercise avocado avocados guacamole