Her story: My story

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Just a short story I wrote, I girl telling of an event in her life that helped shape her into who she is.

Submitted: January 04, 2014

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Submitted: January 04, 2014

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“Stop, please stop.” But they wouldn’t. The thoughts whirled through her mind, fumbling for reality and tearing at her soul as they failed. She curled up, cradling her head, pulling her hair. ”Leave me alone,” she whispered, “I didn’t do anything! Please…” She begged the harsh words to leave her but as relentless as they were, they proceeded. You’re useless. They taunted, you’ll never be loved. Nobody wants you. Tears rolled down her face as she shook “Please...” Why should I? It’s true. Nobody wants to love you. You’ll never be held like other girls. He’ll never accept you, nobody will. Her hands raked through her hair as she gasped for air. She held herself tight, nails clinging to her arms, trying to keep her from falling into her own mind. Everybody else had a chance. You don’t. You’re not special. You never will be and you never have been. “It’s not true…it’s not…” she fought the torment crashing down upon her and took a deep breath. “He hasn’t done anything bad. He said he won’t leave. He won’t…he won’t… I have friends too…I’m fine…I promise…” She calmed down and closed her eyes, thinking it was over. But it wasn’t. As she stood they came back, crashing like thousand foot waves, pushing her down. How do you know? They menaced everybody else left. Remember Ray? He swore he’d stay by you and wait for you; he left for the first girl that gave him attention. Or Lex? He was by your side for years and left you for kids who bullied him; when you were the only one there for him when they hated him. He completely forgot. You don’t matter. Remember the kid who stopped your cutting? He left too. And that girl you called a sister, she ran away. Even you’re best friends leave. You’re alone. “Stop…Please stop…” The tears welled up as she trembled. She braced herself and slid back to the bathroom floor. Not even her parents noticed. She’d been in there about an hour and nobody even noticed. Maybe her brain was right. Maybe she was useless. Her nails slid down her arm, leaving intricate red lines were they trailed. She watched silently as they brightened and stung. Her hands moved of their own accord, swirling up and down her arms, leaving welts in some places, blood in others. She smiled faintly as her arm started to burn. Her mind blanked. It was finally silent. She closed her eyes again and took a deep breath. Where was she? The bathroom. Right. She clawed her arms simultaneously, causing her to gasp and wince in pain. She stood up shakily and looked in the mirror. She hardly recognized who was looking back. Her hair was a mess; she had puffy, empty eyes. A sad hollow smile greeted her. She relaxed as she rinsed her face with cold water, erasing any evidence of her tears.

She was used to this. It happened sometimes. That much she knew. Nobody ever noticed and she just continued living. Taking up air. Her hoodie hid her scars and her smile hid her pain. She went to school and laughed. She watched as her friends talked about boys and families and music, wondering if she’d ever be able to share. When they cried they went to her, she listened to their problems and gave her best advice. She hugged those who needed love and smiled at those who were happy. She even gave her food to those who were hungry, knowing she herself wouldn’t be able to eat at home. She watched out for her little sister, making sure she got food and stayed in school. People called her stuck up, rude, and mean. She didn’t mean to be, she was just tired. Tired of waking up alone and cold. Tired of going to bed hungry after a long day at school or helping her family. But no one bothered to figure that out. Some went as far as to toss food at her. She had bruises from fruits hitting her back and sides. She didn’t tell a soul.
When school was out and everyone gathered to their friends she stood alone. She watched as kids ran and hugged and laughed and played. She smiled gently as a breeze pushed back her hair. Warm sunlight hugged her body, making her feel like she might be loved, if only even a little. A girl like her walked by, stopping under the same tree. They talked about the kids they knew and about the day’s troubles and irritations.  They sat and laughed and ate. As the time went on the girl had to leave.
I watched as she walked away and sighed, getting up to leave myself. I didn’t want to go home. Mom wouldn’t be able to talk, and I’d sent my sister to grandpas to eat. I put on my headphones and closed my eyes, letting the sun beat my eyelids. As I opened them I let my feet take their own path. I knew I would regret it later. But for now I felt this was needed. I walked away from the crowds. Why is school so hard? I mused. I let myself wander, taking winding roads and alley ways to get away from here. I left the people far behind, leaving myself to be alone. The park was beautiful. I sat under a large pine tree and leaned against it. I dozed a bit, thinking of nothing but the sweet music in my ears and the love of the sun. It was almost a friend to me. It as if I’d been erased from the world temporarily. Nobody noticed my absence and nobody made a sound. It was just me and my music and the tree. I knew it would end soon, this bright blissful beauty. It would be replaced by dark, depressing, chaos. It would be shattered by my screaming parents, my crying sister, my spiteful boyfriend. I can’t talk about my life. People wouldn’t get it, I don’t want their pity.

The sun started to set as the girl got up. She hurried home in an attempt to beat her sister. She barely made it. Her mother yelled about the time, her dad was drunk in his room.  When her sister arrived she was shuffled into her room and asked quietly about her day. The little girl babbled on about her friends and homework and favorite teacher as her older sister smiled and listened. She hugged the girl and tucked her in, waiting for her to fall asleep. Her boyfriend called and yelled at her. How could she ditch him? She was such a bitch. Why couldn’t he go to the park too? Bet there was another guy. If there wasn’t why was she worn out? Why didn’t she sleep? What the hell was wrong with her? She hung up the phone and let it fall to the bed. She curled up under her blanket and cried. Maybe she was a bad person after all…All she had wanted was to be alone.

I have to see him today, no matter what I may want. If I don’t he’ll be even madder. The day drags by and every little thing pushes my limits. I just want to quit. I want to quit school, quit talking, quit waking up. The last bell rings and everybody rushes to their friends. I walk out slowly, dreading what I know I’ll see. There it is, waiting. My car, little and old, driven by my mom. He’s sitting in the backseat, where I’m expected to sit with him. I get in with a sigh as he reaches for my hand. TO any other person it looks like he’s just holding my hand and frowning in concern. To me it’s a bone crushing grip and a look that says trouble. I bite my lip as the tears start to well. He twists my wrist, causing more pain, as he mouths that I better not cry. I fight the tears until she drops us off at his house. My hand is flung aside as soon as she’s gone and he lets it rip. “Why weren’t you here yesterday? Huh? Another guy? You whore! The park my ass! Why were you so tired then? Why was it so late? You know you’re not allowed alone. I know it to you lying bitch!” AS I start to tremble he flares up, he shoves me and I trip, falling onto the couch. “I promise…I didn’t do anything! I just went to the park…because it was pretty…I just wanted to doze…” Lying bitch. He gets on the couch and grabs my wrists, yanking me to my feet and shaking me “Then why couldn’t I go?” I can’t take it anymore and snap. “Because you’re such an ass!” I break free as I feel the hatred boiling up. “You don’t even know what I’ve done all week! You don’t know who I’ve talked to or what I’ve made! You didn’t know that all I wanted was one day to rest, or that I’ve had tons of homework I haven’t done because of you! That My grades are failing and I haven’t slept in a week! You don’t even care.” He steps back, shocked at my sudden burst of rage, then retaliates. He lands a punch to my stomach and glares as I crumple. “Don’t you dare fight me.” He sits next to me and hugs me close. I hate this but I can’t fight back. If I move he’ll get worse, plus it’ll hurt. I just sit and cry as he strokes my hair. “See? It’s all better now…Just don’t do it again.” But I do. I do it again and again and it’s all the same. I just want to feel the sun, the silence. But he doesn’t care.

As time goes on I can’t move my left wrist as well. I’m afraid of people wherever I go, If he finds out I’m talking to them he’ll hurt me or them, depending on how much I care for them. He’s sent some people to the hospital, and threatened others. People I haven’t spoken to but I wanted to; he said if I did I’d regret it. I’m scared to find out how. I had some friends but they’ve all gone away. A new girl came and stole them away. The ones she didn’t take were scared away.  I’m alone now. My dad thinks he’s going to die. My cousin is cutting. My best friend is planning to run away. Nobody knows what he does or says to me. My neck is sore from his last tantrum. I almost couldn’t breathe. I was scared. I’m not even sure what I did that time. I thought I’d been good. I hadn’t talked; I just showed up and cuddled him like he wanted. I made him food while he played his games. I cleaned.  But I must have said something. Because he yelled and pinned me to the couch, grabbing me by my neck. The air became harder to get and I panicked. I kicked him in an attempt to free myself. He punched me in the ribs .I gasped for air and tried to crawl away. I called my mom before he managed to grab the phone. I told her to get me. I was done. I walked out on wobbly legs, tears rolling down my face. He was too angry to even look my way as he stormed to the other room, letting me walk myself out. Normally he would walk me to the car, either to “comfort” me, or to threaten me to not say a word. I didn’t tell my mom what happened, just that we fought and I wanted to go home. I never went back.

The following days I couldn’t eat. I didn’t tell anybody why, just Ray. I cried as he hugged me. Even the hugs hurt. My whole torso hurt. Nobody noticed anything then than that I was suddenly taking a lot of pain killers. I was shaky. I was quiet. I didn’t trust any of them. How could I? The only person I trusted ran away. She came home and we caught up, but she wasn’t here to help.  As the months passed I started to recover. I recovered old friends as the new girl moved away, leaving her followers with me as their fall back. I gained some new friends from the list of people I hadn’t been allowed to talk to. They hated him. I was afraid of them for a long time. And I still suppose I am. I have many people I know now, but I only talk to a few. People scare me. They can act so nice no the outside but be so terribly frightening once you get past that. No. They’re not all like that. There are a few who are as worn and torn, as abused and hurt, as I am. At least that’s what I believe. And those are the ones I love.  I never want anyone to have to go through that.  And then the thoughts start to swirl..
They don’t love you anyhow…Why would they? You’re so messed up…Nobody could ever want you…just possibly accept you… I beg them to stop, to leave me alone, and eventually they do. I’m used to it. I start over. I try again. I feel the sunshine on my face and hear the voices of the people I now call friends. I’m not as alone anymore. I keep trying, and I hope that someday, somebody will love me back. Until then I continue on...


© Copyright 2020 Daga. All rights reserved.

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