Drowning in Darkness

Drowning in Darkness 
 

I live in the sunniest of cities, 

A city that never goes cold. 

It experiences rain, 

But not as often. 

I’m supposed to be happy, 

Yet I’m drowning in darkness.

I wake up to bright sun behind my curtain 

And every morning I hate it.

My first thought is always

WHY

Why did I have to wake up 

To see another day

WHY

Why not just stay asleep

Forever

I am not afraid of death

But I fear life.

Life has given me 

Pain and suffering. 

For as long as I can remember. 

I have lived a good life

I grew up with clothes on my back,

A roof over my head, 

And a full stomach.

My mind though,

It remembers a life never worth living.

I grew up with a dark cloud above my head,

It never went away

Even when I tried blowing it out of the way.

I once tried so hard 

It almost ended me altogether. 

I was told it will go away,

Or 

To think happier thoughts.

Like I have not tried that before.

They think I am just sad, 

It more than that.

Depression 

It numbs me

I do not feel anything,

I don’t feel happiness nor sadness. 

I don’t feel anxious or excited.

Depression 

It puts thoughts in my head,

I am not enough

I am not pretty enough,

I am not skinny enough,

I am not curvy enough,

I am not enough,

I am not happy enough,

I am not social enough,

I don’t laugh enough,

I am not enough,

I don’t care enough,

I don’t try enough,

I don’t clean enough,

I am not enough,

I don’t brush my hair enough,

I don’t brush my teeth enough,

I don’t get out of bed enough,

I am not enough.

I think it enough,

And I hear it everyday.

My dark cloud grows,

It now carries thunder.

The sound terrifies me. 

I tried drowning the noise with music,

Useless.

I tried drowning the noise with reading,

Hopeless.

I tried drowning the noise with friends,

Helpless.

I tried drowning the noise with more thoughts,

Only the distressed survived

But the thunder stopped.

I am drowning in darkness,

No one has noticed.

It is a new personality trait I have developed,

Forever sensationless.

They do not expect me to jump at their good news,

But I wish I could.

They do not expect me to cry with them,

But I wish I could.

I want to feel.

I want to be a best friend.

I want to love. 

I want to be loved.

I want to be held.

I want to be heard.

I want to look in a mirror.

I want to cry.

I want happiness.

I want goals.

I want to make it to my thirties.

I want to be excited.

I am tired.

I am tired of feeling this way.

I need it to stop,

Go away.

I have cried a thousand rivers 

Jump hundreds of bridges 

All alone.

I am drowning in darkness,

In the sunniest of cities.

Dalia Angelica Peña Jimenez