No I Am Not Suicidal
Is it bad I think about the end, no I’m not talking about the end of the earth but the end of life? A single life my own life. No I’m not being self centered but as a 17 year old kid I imagine that’s the last thing on their mind I could name a few things but I don’t to be getting some nasty remarks. But no I often think about death, not my fault but my open heart surgery always gets me thinking about it. That big ominous scar jutting down your chest is a remindful tool of what, happened.
I’m not a religious kid but were not getting into the sake of argument about religion just starts to much trouble I’m sure all of you understand this. But I have had no religious upbringing I was baptized but that was it. So many people asked and wondered if I would turn to Jesus in this stressful time and I have to tell you truthfully I didn’t I had full faith in the hands of the surgeons they were the best in the world I was told and I believed it!
But at the time of my heart surgery I was in a foreign country I was in Germany. And at the time I had a girlfriend of eight months and she broke up with me right before the surgery. It was a heart wrenching experience and may have to do with some underlying demons that I don’t like talking with but we all have those and don’t go kidding yourself, we have them. I believe I have anxiety and depression issues at times but at times I am happy and there are happy moments in your life no matter what’s going on I can promise you I’ve been through just about everything!
But everything went fine with the heart surgery, obviously that’s why im typing this. It was a tough time, before when I found it I went into a self destruct mode. I was smoking and drinking as much as I could, just trying to stop me from thinking about it. It does make me a little depressed thinking about the heart surgery and the events surrounding it. This is off key but my dad he drinks because he is stressed and I can understand that but he can find people that he can talk to he has me he has a wonderful wife two beautiful children.
But everything wasn’t squeaky clean either it was quite the hell. I found out during the surgery that my right foot was positioned in an awkward position and I got a symptom in my foot called drop foot. Drop foot is where your foot drags and you cant walk properly. I was also still severely depressed … you can get pretty depressed thinking that your chest was just sawed open and someone was routing around on the inside of you.
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