A Treatise On The Importance Of Perfect Abs

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Editorial and Opinion  |  House: Booksie Classic
Another satirical look at the culture of self-consciousness. Enjoy!

Submitted: September 14, 2010

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Submitted: September 14, 2010

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A Treatise on the Importance of Perfect Abs
By Daniel Manning
We live in the age of democracy: American hegemony, the United Nations, Chief Executive Officers, and Big Macs in the stomachs of obese Texan capitalists and skinny Chinese communists alike. However, the most important advance that our civilization has made is not the democratization of voting, business decisions, or special sauce, but rather the democratization of attractiveness. We live in an age where anyone can be good-looking: a membership to California Fitness here, a handful of slimming and thermabolic drugs there, a quick tummy tuck, silicon implant, botox injection, or even face transplant and voila! Instant cover girl, swimsuit model, and/or body builder. And isn’t our world better for it? Isn’t everyone more happy in a world where ankles are slim, hips are curvy, abs look like they’re cut out of wood, and a girl’s waist and neck are roughly the same size?
However, there are those who are against the rise of democracy. There are those who seek to replace the glorious tanning light of truth with the dull lamp of so-called inner beauty. You know these people; they’re the ones trying to corrupt our youth with the mistaken belief that what’s inside is as important as what’s outside. They seek to set aside the thousands of years of physique-honing evolution, and to replace it with a warped reality in which the content of one’s character is as important as the tightness of one’s buttocks. It is therefore with the greatest urgency that I write these lines, in order to counteract this adverse influence on a better-looking and more democratic world, and to reassure all of you young ladies out there—and the gentlemen as well—who are currently dedicating your lives to the pursuit of perfect abs, or thinking about doing so, that they are making the right decision.
There, there.
These enemies of democracy have arrogantly claimed that the goal for women should be some sort of intellectual development, such as completing university, or becoming career-oriented. However, in their arrogance, they fail to understand the satisfaction, pleasure and--I daresay--universal spiritual oneness that comes from having washboard abs. Enough is enough! As a defender of our democratic world, I will not stand idly by while impressionable youngsters buy into this propaganda—while they give up their memberships at California Fitness for library cards, and trade in their elliptical gliders for season passes to the art museum. The enemies of democracy have claimed that girls are better off in classrooms than at the club. In the following essay, it will be made clear that, historically speaking, this claim is completely and abjectly false; throughout history, it has always been better to be hot than smart.
Elizabeth I of England was perhaps the greatest monarch in British history. Do you know how Elizabeth I of England was able to lead her country into the Renaissance? How she was able to oversee the planning of what would become the largest, most powerful empire in world history? How she was able to develop the most democratic, socially-just government at the time, and to turn a backward and divided nation into the intellectual and economic leader of Europe, and the world as a whole? It’s simple; her entire success as a world leader was based on washboard abs! Elizabeth used to do 600 sit-ups a day, and made it a rule that everyone holding government positions—politicians, civil servants and, most importantly, soldiers—had to do the same. So what do you think happened when England went to war against the other European powers at the time? Her soldiers’ abs were so strong that they were able to withstand the musket balls fired at them by the enemy at all but point-blank range, cutting casualties down by a whopping 63.8%. Indeed, during the entire era of musket-based warfare, the British were never on the losing side of a war—or rather, almost never.
The only exception to Britain’s ab-based battlefield dominance is the American Revolution. However, there is a perfectly logical and consistent reason for this historical anomaly. The American Revolution was organized by an all-star team of political thinkers, including Ben Franklin, John Hancock, Thomas Paine, John Adams, and George Washington. Has anyone ever wondered how these guys met? Out of all the people in England and the colonies, how was it possible that these intellectual giants were able to hook up at the perfect time for a revolution? It’s simple: they met at the gym! Everyone knows that John Hancock was the first to sign the Declaration of Independence, but do you know why? George Washington was actually supposed to sign it first, but he dropped the pen, and when he bent over to pick it up everyone was mesmerized by his tight, muscular buttocks—everyone except for Hancock, that is, because Hancock was going blind and could see only a few feet in front of him. Thus, while everyone was staring at George’s tight, colonial ass, Hancock slipped in unnoticed and signed the Declaration of Independence.
However, George Washington wasn’t the only hottie in attendance on that particular day. Samuel Adams was so buff that during the Boston Tea Party he threw kegs of tea into Boston Harbour six at a time. And Ben Franklin? Everyone knows that he invented bifocal glasses, but few people know that he also invented the first bench press, and his chest was so rock-hard by 1783 that they used it as a table to sign the Constitution! He also designed an early version of the Abdoer Twist, which was used continuously by Washington’s troops during the winter they spent at Valley Forge, from which they emerged as the leanest, best-toned troops on the continent. Thus the British were only defeated because the Americans were in better shape.
Indeed, America is a perfect example of how a nation’s power relies on its collective abs. Before the 1950s, America had never been on the losing side of a war—ever. The Revolution, the First and Second World Wars, Korea—America won them all. But why did they lose in Vietnam? Very simple: McDonald’s. That’s right, McDonald’s opened its first restaurants in the 1950s, and by the 1960s Americans were starting to get fat. Thus, by the time that the Americans came up against the Vietnamese in the 1960s, their Washboard Abs Index (WAI) had fallen below that of the Vietnamese who, with a steady diet of rice, fish, and vegetables, keep themselves thin and, thus, were abdominally superior to the Americans. Thus, they were able to win despite being totally outmatched with technology; even the best technology cannot compete with the power of abs.
And while we’re on the subject of the overthrow of imperial superpowers by the weaker yet thinner and well-defined developing world, I’d like to bring up an icon in abdomen history: Mahatma Gandhi. The title “Mahatma” (which means enlightened) was actually a misnomer. Originally, Gandhi was known as “My Hot Man, Gandhi” by his friends, but due to the nuances of the local dialect of English, his name was slurred into “Mahotman.” The newspapers then misinterpreted the meaning of this word, and it became “Mahatma.” Now, why was Gandhi so hot? Because he was thin, of course! Gandhi was known for his fasting and hunger strikes. Do you really think that he gained notoriety and support because of his lack of eating? No! It was because through this fasting, Gandhi developed the most well-defined abs in all of British India, and his 14-inch waistline became the envy of all the men in Britain—including the politicians, who were in turn more understanding towards his cause, and eventually agreed to give India its independence.
It is a general rule in history that thin people are more successful because thin people have nice abs, and people with nice abs are hot, and hot people are always successful. Indeed, all of the greatest figures in history were hotties: Julius Caesar, Genghis Khan, Cleopatra, and Margaret Thatcher. Ever heard of a woman called Catherine the Great? She was Czarina of Russia three hundred years ago, when it was making the transformation from a small city-state to a large empire. Do you know why she got the name “Catherine the Great?” It was actually shortened down from “Catherine the Great-Looking Honey With Great Legs And Hot Abs Ooooh Yeah Baby Got Back!” The fact was that this title was just too long for most people to remember, and too difficult to pronounce because it was in Russian (The phonetic translation from Russian sounds like “Catrina lob lobla, blobla, laka laka loblobbobala, mobala chubo bubo; loka lucka mik-muka wobo, chukka chu bub-a-lub-a-goo-goo-cachoo”), so they just shortened it down to Catherine the Great (Catrina Lobla).
We could go on and on like this indefinitely, citing an unending line-up of historical leviathans whose greatness was defined by their abs—abs that were themselves greatly defined. Martin Luther defied the entire Catholic Church—probably the most powerful and historically-significant organization of all time, next to California Fitness—by challenging the bishops of Germany to a debate. What history fails to record is that, while the bishops showed up to the debate wearing long, loose robes and carrying censers and holy water, Martin Luther showed up wearing a tight, neon-yellow vincivex (an early form of spandex invented by Leonardo da Vinci) jumpsuit that sported his six-pack—the best in all of Christendom, hardened and tightened by years of bowing in prayer. Rumour has it that Luther actually wasn’t that holy of a man in the beginning, but got into the monk business because it gave him an opportunity to bow half over in prayer for hours at a time, allowing him to do isotonic ab exercises. This continuous bowing and flexing led to continuous prayer, prayer to spiritual growth, spiritual growth to awareness of iniquity in the church, and the rest is history—spiritual abdominal history, that is. And in case you’re wondering how the debate turned out, once the crowd caught sight of Luther’s goods, he became the instant fan favourite, winning the debate outright. In fact, by the end of it he wasn’t even rebutting the arguments put forth by the bishops; he was just doing sit-ups while the crowd counted and cheered. His subsequent excommunication was simple jealousy on the part of the Pope, who couldn’t even make it past 25.
Indeed, we could go on indefinitely about the historical significance of being cut. Sir Isaac Newton’s discovery of gravity is another vivid example. We all know that he was hit on the head with an apple, and that gave him the inspiration for his ideas on gravity, but was he just sitting under that tree? No, of course not; otherwise the apple would never have fallen on cue. The apple fell because Newton was shaking the tree, and he was shaking the tree because he was in the middle of a 90-rep set of squats, and was using the tree to steady himself.
What about Marie Curie’s little-known Nobel Prize for modeling? If it wasn’t for the fact that she won two others in an academic field, she would be a world-renowned sex symbol instead of being remembered only for discovering radium.
What about Martin Luther King Jr’s famous speech during the march on Washington? He was completely misquoted. History records him as saying, “I have a dream that my children will grow up in a world where they are not judged by the colour of their skin, but by the content of their character.” But that’s not what Martin said at all. What he really said was, “I have a dream that my children will grow up in a world where they are judged by the softness of their skin, their biceps, and their curvature.” Martin went on to punctuate his message by proclaiming his hope that a time will come when all women across America would join hands, and shout “Three at last, three at last, thank God almighty my wife’s a size three at last!”
And why doesn’t history record Watson & Crick’s discovery of DNA as it really was: the quest to unlock the genetic secret of the washboard stomach? Or how Mao Tse Tsung re-unified China by purging all the fat people? Or how Al Qaeda tried to destroy America by attacking the headquarters of California Fitness, but missed and took out the World Trade Centre by mistake?
In closing, I urge all of you young men and women out there who are, or are thinking about devoting your life to the heroic pursuit of being the hottest lamb chop at the barbecue: Keep it up! Put down your Shakespeare, and pick up your Maxim; turn off that Mozart record and turn up Jessica Alba; top up your supply of Xenadrine, and blend yourself up a rich, cool bowl of liquid tofu with aspartame and creatine for dinner; leave that opera house immediately, because J Lo just made a new movie; and for God’s sake never eat complex carbs after 3:00 in the afternoon, because if you do, you’ll never have abs enough to change history.


© Copyright 2019 Daniel Manning. All rights reserved.

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