The philosophical gazelle

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
short little story about a gazelle named Andrew who has an addiction to chewing tobacco and feels like the best use of his time is pondering life

Submitted: July 26, 2014

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Submitted: July 26, 2014

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Andrew was a gazelle, but he wasn't like any of the other gazelles on the Serengeti. No, Andrew was solitary gazelle. Preferring his own solitary company; compared to the others, that would incessantly gallivant around, causing ruckus and irritation towards the other animals of the Serengeti. He found himself above that, and would instead spend his days meandering around the planes of Africa, pondering the very meaning of his meaningless life. Well, That and bumming chewing tobacco from fat Americans on safaris who found the idea of a gazelle chewing tobacco uproariously funny. But Andrews meanderings, pondering and chewing were one day abruptly interrupted, and the events that followed would forever change the life of Andrew, philosophical gazelle.

He had just woken up, just as he had every morning before, to the sounds of elephants. He immediately cursed their incessant racket, thinking to himself that there was no need to make that sort of noise, especially before noon. And decided he needed a dip of chewing tobacco. He dug around in the bush he had slept beside and grabbed a tin of chew he had stolen from a lorry driver while he got out to pee. Immediately packing a large dip and thanking the god of tobacco products (one of the three hundred and seventeen he had concocted) for his gift to earth. Afterwords he started the four kilometer walk to the watering hole. Where he would drink and then spend two hours fastidiously cleaning himself, believing that the only true way to enlightenment was through large amounts of tobacco and a extensive hygiene. While on his walk he saw three smaller gazelles running around chasing each other, playing what appeared to be tag. Andrew scoffed at them, telling them that they should instead be doing something productive, like cleaning themselves. They young ones laughed and continued on playing. He finally arrived at the watering hole. Being quite thirsty he took a long drink of water before viewing his surroundings. Afterwords he looked up and immediately tried to vomit the water back up, there, in the center of the watering hole, were three monkeys pissing into the water while flinging their own feces at one another. There was nothing that bugged Andrew more than the desecration of water, being that, besides chewing tobacco, it was the gods greatest gifts to man. For what else could both take away thirst and also clean you? Andrew was first shocked and then outraged. Believing that the watering whole was only for drinking and cleaning and most certainly not for the outrageous activity’s these monkeys were performing. So he shouted at the monkeys to get out of the sacred water, for it was his to use! And his only! The monkeys started cackling obnoxiously. And when Andrew shouted at them again they slowly turned around and advanced towards him. Andrew, not being one to shirk from a fight stood his ground, a choice he would later realize would be the worst of his life. For the monkeys beat him ceaselessly. And when finished they walked away from a bruised and battered Andrew, who could not move without making his body feel as though it was being burned alive from pain.

He lay there for two days, unable to move, nor could he sleep, the unending pain laying prevalent in his mind. But alas a truck arrived, and believing it was aid, he started to shriek. A tall, lanky man got out of the cab of the truck holding a large rifle. Walked over to Andrew. And shot him in the head. Andrews body was later sold to a taxidermist, and then later sold to a middle aged accountant from New York. Who put the taxidermy gazelle in his office, to remind him of the trip he had taken seven years earlier to the Serengeti with his wife, and because the gazelle had a striking resemblance to the gazelle he had given a wad of chewing tobacco to as a joke. 


© Copyright 2020 Dante the writer of fictionish short storys . All rights reserved.

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