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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Horror  |  House: Booksie Classic
Anything to keep the pain away...
Because the memories are too much to bear without Ethinun in the system.
So just give in, just a little prick and then the pain's gone, even if the past isn't.

Submitted: August 20, 2015

A A A | A A A

Submitted: August 20, 2015



I stared numbly, knowing I should feel something... anything at the sight before me.

Blood. Pulsing Crayola Red blood coated everything as though some maniac had gone to town with more than a few gallons of paint. There were bodies of course. No crime scene with this much blood would have been complete without at least a portion of a corpse lying around.

“Yeah, just one corpse,” I muttered darkly. In truth there was no way all this blood came from just one person; the way it pooled around my feet as I stepped onto the carpet meant that it was probably closer to ten people.

A rookie police officer was vomiting his lunch into a nearby bush just outside the front door and in truth even all the veterans looked green around the edges.

Everyone but me.

Then again for most of them this was probably the first time they’d seen a scene like this; it wasn’t for me. For that matter it wasn’t the second or third time I’d seen a scene like this so perhaps that contributed to how I was inhumanly unmoved by the scene before me. Deep down though I knew this wasn’t the reason. I didn’t feel sorrow because I was numb right now.

 It wasn’t my fault at first, I swear, the numbness was just something I felt to keep sane. Something I’d been able to maintain myself.

I had spent years as a captive to a very bad man. Sen. Sounded like sin and I’m sure that was no coincidence. The years I’d spent as a slave to Sen had been traumatic. He’d gotten his kicks out of watching me weep and plead and beg for the lives of others. Eventually I’d realized that my pleading and caring just made it worst so I’d done my best not to care. I’d stopped caring, grew indifferent to his victims and learned that the guilt was bearable if you ignored it. Whenever the feelings came back I made them go away again. I didn’t like them, didn’t like feeling.

Even after I’d gotten away I’d never been able to bear feeling again so I suppose in that aspect he’d won. I didn’t like losing but the thought of feeling that agony again was unappealing.

I shouldn’t have been here, I was no police officer and how I’d even made it beyond the yellow tape to step here onto the seeping red carpet was beyond my comprehension. Any moment now the police would see me there and grow suspicious at not only my invasion but also my lack of horror. I would be taken in for questioning, questions I had no idea how to answer.

As if on cue an officer spotted me, not that I was particularly invisible.

“You Miss, what are you doing in here?”

I didn’t answer, didn’t know how to answer. The officer approached me warily, still green although I believe that having me to look at instead of the gruesome scene around him was a consolation. With dark hair and flawless skin I suppose I look better than a mangled corpse by at least a small bit. “This is a crime scene; I’m going to have to ask you to come with me for questioning.” He said the words soothingly as though I’d attack like a vicious dog at any moment. I didn’t blame him; to anyone else a scene like this would be quite out of place with me in it.

Only Sen and I knew that a scene like this wasn’t complete unless I was there to watch. Even after I’d stopped responding he’d kept up the ‘games’. Even when my screams no longer mingled with his victims he continued to make me watch and I think that is perhaps what broke me. Knowing that nothing I could do would make it stop. Not really and not completely. Even now I still dreamed only of my time with him, never pleasant, never.

The officer had me handcuffed; I hadn’t been paying attention, not that I would have struggled anyways. He was innocent, innocent in the way that most human beings were and if that made him a little bit naïve, I envied him for that, but not that he could feel pain. I could see the pain in his eyes. It made my brain register him as prey, no gun would save you when your eyes held that much pain.

The officer led me out of the house. I wondered if he realized why I was there. I had been looking for my fix, for Ethinun. The crime scene was a drug den, a well-known one, and I was a client. A frequent one. I had started coming here when I became unable to force myself to stop feeling anymore. I got outside help you might say. The den was more upscale than some of the others I’d been to, more upscale than most, not that the clients cared. Ethinun caused numbness, dreamless sleeps, it deleted bad feelings. It didn’t replace them with artificial happy feeling that would leave you crashing-crashing- crashing. No, it just deleted the bad ones.

I had smelled the blood upon arriving, seen the police, and gone in anyways, knowing what I’d find instead.  Still the need for my fix had been overwhelming, the fear of feeling made me their best client, and perhaps their most high functioning one.

The officer met with his partner, a red-headed female who made me remove my shoes before getting into the car; it was probably all the blood that tracked across the concrete that made her think I should. She didn’t want that in their cruiser. I sat in the back silent, and the entire drive to the station he kept a wary eye on me as though I were a time-bomb. Who knows maybe I was. My last dose hadn’t worn off yet but who knew how much longer it’d last. I didn’t want to think about it.

“I need my fix,” I told the driver, “if I don’t get it I won’t be able to answer your questions.” My words sounded like the addict I was. I knew I was an addict, didn’t care. Had no one else, nothing else besides the drug. Sen had seen to that when he’d freed me. I wondered if that’s what he wanted all along. Nah, he’d probably just wanted to be thorough in destroying his old toy before getting a new one and if that meant I turned to drugs, so be it.

The officer shrugged, warily, possibly afraid that I’d explode if he flat out told me no, he didn’t know the effects of Ethinun very well if that is what he thought.

My words had jinxed me, I could feel the fix wearing off, feel the fear growing in my throat. It had been months since I had allowed one fix to wear off without having another one on hand. Whoever had slaughtered my dealers was a cruel soul indeed.

My palms began to sweat and the sight of Sen’s face, ever in my mind’s eye sent a shot of pure fear through my veins. “No,” my voice was mewling and pathetic. The memories were always playing but on Ethinun they didn’t bother me. They couldn’t touch me when I was high, as soon as I had realized that I had done everything to ensure that the high would never go away. On a good steady dose I was able to perform my job at a flower store with ease, put on the smile the smile that no one cared was empty. I was pleasant because with negative feeling deleted how could I be anything but?

The male officers’ brown eyes flicker towards me warily. “What are you on?” He inquired probably for his report later. I could see it in my mind’s eye already: suspect, female, black hair, black eyes, 5’6…

“Ethinun,” I say and I can feel the pain creeping into my voice. The keening has started in the back of my throat, I can feel it building and know that I have to bite it back because if I let it lose it will transform into a howl. A howl of pure terror and remorse and agony. The flashbacks would tumble front and center into my mind and I would never be free of them long enough to get another dose to make them stop. I would spiral helplessly into the madness that came with feeling. Dysfunction would wreck my life. No psychiatric drug could fix me like Ethinun did.

The female officer was driving and I felt the car accelerate as she fought to get me to the nearest jail cell ASAP, where I could be insane and break-down without endangering her or her partner’s life.

“What will happen when it wears off,” the brown—eyed male asked.

“I’ll fall apart. The memories will leave me incapable of speech, of anything but howling, feeling. I’m afraid to feel,” I confess and I can feel the childlike tremor in my voice.

“Why are you afraid to feel?” the officer inquired, clinical.

“Don’t make me say it out loud,” I plead, “I can’t say it without Ethinun; I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.”

“You’re an addict,” the female officer spits out the word and I can feel her condescension like a knife.

“You would be too, if you lived with Sen.”

“We all live with sin,” she scoffed.

“Not sin, Sen.” I emphasize the name desperately, “A person. No not a person a monster.”

Speaking the name brings his face fresh to mind and I feel tears prick my eyes, “Please!” I wail and once it’s out the scream follows.

“God-dammit shut her up!” the female officer snarls and the male looks at her wondering what the Hell he’s supposed to do. I don’t close my eyes, that only makes it worse.

My chest is heaving as I scream; scream louder to drown out the voices screaming in my head. I’m losing it.


I have no idea how we make it to the questioning room, hysterical. They hand-cuff me to the table, I don’t struggle but I scream still my voice harsh and despair. My face is soaked by tears.

Am I screaming words anymore? I can’t be sure.

A man in a suit comes in along with a nurse with a vial and three very muscular men.

My screams become more terror ridden. I know what they’re going to do. “No! NO! NO! NO! NOOOO!!!” I howl, unconsciousness is the worst when I’m not high. Don’t please please-!” I howl and the man in the suit gestures the trio behind him to wait.

“Ma’am, I understand you don’t want to go to sleep so you’ll have to stop the screaming or we’ll be forced to drug you until you’re better.”

I force my mouth shut fearing that needle more than anything else in my life but my body shakes so bad it’s like I’m having a seizure.

“Good girl,” the suit says soothingly.  “I’m Dr. Jones, a psychiatrist. I hear you made quite the commotion in the car on the way here. Jamie and Skylar were beside themselves, especially Skylar. Can you explain to me why you were causing such a commotion?”

“To drown out the screams in my head.” I see the look flash through his eyes and quickly rectify that statement not wanting to seem quite so crazy, “I’m not schizophrenic. They’re memories of screams, they play in my head always, I can ignore the when I’m on Ethinun, but when my high wears off all the feelings come back.”

“Ethinun keeps the feeling away?” he says in that same short measured soothing voice and I want to scream but fear of the needle keeps it back.

“You know it does!” I snap, and my voice cracks on the edge of hysteria.

“Whose screams are in your head?” Dr. Jones, the generically named doctor inquires.

My eyes darken, “Give me Ethinun and I’ll answer you, please don’t make me talk without it,” I beg.

Dr. Jones shakes his head, “You know I can’t do that but if you’d like to talk later I can have Mr. Lee our nurse here put you to sleep so that we can move you to a more chatter friendly environment.

“NO!” I shrill, “Audrey, James, Katie, Kristen, Hannah, Lou, Shina, Maria, John, David, Trey, Heather…”

“Stop, who are these people who are screaming?” the Dr. inquiries.

“Dead, but I remember them, I’ll always remember them.”

“Why are they screaming? Why are they dead?”

“Because Sen is torturing them, he destroys their faces, he doesn’t like their faces, but he likes mine. Says I have a pretty face, good for screaming, and good for tears, pretty as a doll even when I have no expression at all. They scream when their faces get destroyed,  scream when their bodies gets destroyed we’re all screaming always screaming. Only the Ethinun take the pain from their screams away. I couldn’t save them, stopped trying. Don’t like to feel bad that I stopped trying, don’t like feeling bad that I stopped caring.”

“The Ethinun makes it so you don’t feel bad?”

“You know it does that’s why I need it NOW!” I howl, and the doctor looks at me as though I’m a child who’s disappointed him.

“One more outburst and our talk will be over and I’ll have Mr. Lee and his co-workers subdue you. Let’s move back to the more basic questions, “How about you tell me your name,”

“Zion Denmark, Toy, Aaliyuh  Werson.”

“Why did you give me three names?”

“Because that’s who I’ve been. I was born Zion, but with Sen I was only Toy. Sen got rid of me, of everything that was Zion’s and when he let Zion free I had nothing, Zion was dead so I was Aaliyuh then. Aaliyuh the addict, who works at the Bouquet Boutique on Seventh Street.”

“How old are you?”

“Aaliyuh is 27.”

“How old are you?

“Zion was 11 when she went away, I don’t know how long I was Toy so I picked an age when I got out and became Aaliyuh. I don’t know any more than that.”

“How long ago did you get out?”

“What’s todays date?”

“June 26th, 2113.”

“14 months, two weeks, three days. I got out April 9th 2112.”

“You seem lucid if panicked.”

“It’s worse when I’m unconscious, I can’t sleep without Ethinun in my system. I’ll go insane.”

“Yes Jamie mentioned you had said something to that effect.”

I wondered what the doctor was thinking, wondered if I cared. I was scarcely able to see past the memories. I wondered if Sen had done this to me. A final mind trick to finish me off.

“Please make it stop!” I plead.

Dr. Jones stands up and the panic overwhelms me, “NOOOOO!!!!” I howl as Mr. Lee and his two flunkies approach me.  I flail and cower and try and move away from them but the handcuff  holds me in place.

I smash my wrist into the table over and over again pounding it with my wrists… if I can just break it I can run away.

I scarcely get three wacks in before I am held down, subdued with a needle in my arm. My howling grows louder, completely overtaken by the food, “Please! No! NO! NOOO! NOOOO!”

The blackness is pure destruction.


The hospital room is dark when  I awake. I am strapped down immobile, a gag in my mouth. I guess I was screaming while unconsciousness.

Sen’s eyes glow across the room and it takes me a moment to realize that they’re real.

Horror builds. I thought he was done with me.

“I missed you,” Sen murmurs his voice sinfully smooth,  “Did you like the parting gifts I gave you?”

The screams, make them stop! Please Master, make it stop! Kill me if you have to just make it stop! My thoughts are frantic, pleasing, without the drug I am nothing, defenseless.

Sen smiles, reading my thoughts, “You want it to stop?”

I nod frantically sobbing past my gag.

“Will you offer me anything in return?” he asks.

Again a desperate nod.

The screaming in my mind stops abruptly and I sob gratefully, the feelings are still there but the memories have stopped, the screaming has stopped.

Sen steps, closer pulling the gag from my mouth. My mouth is cottony and dry but I don’t care, “Thank you Master. Thank you. Thank you.” I seem insane I’m sure strapped to the bed crying out my gratitude to the man who brought the pain to me in the first place but then again with the screaming gone I’m too relieved to think logically.

Sen does not look pleased with me however, “When I took away your ability to numb yourself and set those memories in your mind I did not intend for you to find a drug to combat my punishment.”

“Punishment?” I whimper, such a long punishment, such a cruel punishment letting me think I was free…

“When I was watching you all along. Such a foolish Toy, I never get rid of Toys as precious to look at as you. As precious to listen to and play with as you.”

© Copyright 2020 DarkAngelLeo. All rights reserved.

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