I think about you every single day. I can't hide that. I hadn't said a word to you for over a year. I can't believe I let myself slip so far from you. Did you ever know how much you meant to me? You were like my second mother. When i met you, my first thought was to strive to be just like you in every possible way. When we moved away you kept in touch with mom because of course you were her best friend. You sent me emails updating me on how Jack was back when i still had a big crush on him. But then came the day of my grandfather's funeral. You took my sister and I to Dairy Queen and we sat there, eating ice cream and talking for maybe an hour. That is exactly how I remember you. You had your medium length, curly blond hair pulled up into a messy bun and wore a professional looking suit that made you look like you owned the place. On your lips was a light red lipstick that brought out your gorgeous blue eyes PERFECTLY. And when we finally went to the funeral room I refused to go into the room so you with me sat in those god awful musty green chairs and just smiled at me. I was only in 4th grade then but I knew you were going to be my hero.
I went back to Arizona a few days after the funeral. We talked to you for maybe a month or two but gradually lost contact. I was enjoying life as a fifth-grade tween, finally having reached my growth spurt and thinning out. My dad picked my siblings and I up from our afterschool program and as we were getting in the car he pulled me aside and whispered " Amy died". I laughed. goddamn it I laughed when I heard that because I thought he was joking. But his expression didn't change.
The entire car ride I was dead silent. I couldn't believe it. How was that even possible? There was no way. But sure enough when we walked into the apartment, mom was sitting in the middle of piles of pictures, all of you, crying her eyes out. I pulled my dad aside and asked how it happened. Suicide he said. Suicide? No. There was no way. That can't possibly be true. There had to be a mistake. But I could feel my own tears coming and I HAD to get out of the house. I couldn't let them see. I walked out the door, yelling back that i was heading to my friend Sophie's house. I ran up the stairs holding back the tears as best as I could and knocked on the door. Sophie's brother Jess answered the door and told me Sophie wasn't home yet but she would be in a few minutes. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I burst into tears and Jess was so confused that all he could do was pat my back and tell me that everything would be okay even though he had no idea what was going on.
Sophie finally got home only to be welcomed to the sight of me bawling my eyes out. Her mom took the hint and said we could talk in Sophie's room for a while. I proceeded to tell her, crying the entire time, the whole story including how worried I was for Jack because he was my age and an only child and had no one to really rely on now. I brought her to tears as well.
Finally I had to go home. I hardly slept that night because all I could think about was you.
Fast forward 3 and a half years later. I'm 14 and life is not going as I expected. I've been in 3 abusive relationships, one with Jack which was a horrible mistake, I'm cutting myself and I have stopped believing in God entirely. You're still my hero regardless of all the drugs and drinking i later discovered you had been doing several months before your death. I intend to take my own life. I have a bottle of pills next to me and I'm crying and bleeding and I just want it all to end. I'm missing the easy-going, constant joy of my childhood when nothing went wrong and I felt loved. In minutes I'd take the entire bottle and It'd be over. But then there's a feeling inside of me. I remember how it was when you took your life. You forgot about how important you were to so many. You forgot what a beautiful, powerful, intelligent woman you were. I dropped the pills and fell to the floor in a crumpled heap, sobbing uncontrollably. I knew at that moment that I would never consider taking my own life ever again. It's not worth it. Amy, you're the inspiration for me to live my life. I'm getting help now. I have trust in people again. But I still miss you every single day.
Amy I love you so much. You're my guardian angel and always will be. I miss you so much "mom".
Love, Sierra <3
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