The Journal of a Broken Girl

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is a journal entry I recently uncovered from the year I lost my best friend to suicide. It's rather dark but I feel almost as if I NEED it out there.

Submitted: September 22, 2014

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Submitted: September 22, 2014

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I haven’t written anything in a long time. I don’t feel I am worthwhile anymore. B is so brutally honest it hurts. Where do I go? What should I do? I’m so confused and scared and I have to start school soon. What if I end up like Austin? goddammit what am I doing… Please give me answers. Please guide me. I cry a lot and I think about blood and wonder if I’m going to be able to keep going or if I’m going to lose it all again. I can’t take not knowing. I have hardly anyone anymore and it fucking hurts. I’m in love with him and I’m not protecting my heart. I hate people. Who am i kidding, I hate myself. I DESPISE myself. Sierra Marie Rice is a lifeform not built to last. I feel like a famous work of art hidden away in a cellar. Once beautiful and full of life and color but is now hidden far away, decaying slowly. I will never be enough. I will always want to hurt myself because I want my body to feel pain. I hear good men call a woman’s body a temple, a treasured piece that they adore. They aren’t talking about mine. I still look at my thighs and ankles and wrists and stomach and see the faint, white lines or purplish marks and remind myself I deserved every single one and more. Never let yourself believe you are worth it for a second, Sierra. The world has ruined you, eaten up your infernal soul, has taken every ounce of light you have shining within you and smothered it. You want to be a diamond? You’re a rock. You want to be a guiding light? you are a used up candlestick. You lay in bed alone and that bed will always be solely YOURS because you are not worthy of another’s love. You will cling too tightly and you WILL lose him. He will be reading this soon and will most likely change his entire view on you. Its best it happens now though before you actually begin to believe someone truly loves you. You’re crying right now, as you type this. Your chest is shuddering and your eyes sting and you can barely see. This is what you have become. You want so much more from life that you will never have and i HATE YOU FOR IT. You killed us. We will never be normal or accepted and it’s all your fault. Kiss them goodbye. Him especially. I hate you. I wish you’d never been born. You are a mistake. I would trade you in for something better in a HEARTBEAT if it meant some part of us could finally be happy. You’re in love with him. You are completely and utterly madly in love with him. But you will fuck up. you always find a way of doing so, you ignorant bitch. I wish you would die.


- Love, the You you wish you were.


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