Sunday, October 09th. 2011.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
How I feel, right at this second. 6:40pm.

Submitted: October 09, 2011

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Submitted: October 09, 2011

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Now I remember why I felt this way.
Before I was wondering what led me to the catastrophe of yesteryear.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
REALLY. I JUST WANT A FUCKING ANSWER.
I spent nearly entirely yesterday with my best friend.
We shared some secrets, and it was so nice talking to her.
Our old conversations.
And I feel like a rotten, fucking person.
I don't feel like a person.
I hate questioning whether I should live.
I hate questioning whether I should burn.
I look back and think of my disappointments.
But my biggest one is being alive.
To this day, I still regret not succeeding.
Life is too hard, and I'll get over this.
I'll read this and think what the Hell.
I haven't cut since September 8th of 2010.
I haven't burned myself since right now.
Am I being selfish?
I just want to disappear, get away from everyone.
I wish to be alone, I don't want anyone interfering with my life!
I don't want any of this shit or anyone elses.
I don't even know if I want to be here right now!
I want to slit my throat -- I want to hang myself.
I'm thinking about that right now.
I'm contemplating how many more burns and bruises.
My head is so fucked up, I can't think properly!
Don't I have any privacy, aside from the shit I anonymously write online?
I feel so selfish.
I feel so sick.
I don't want think, at all.
I don't care about anyone else.
I only care about myself right now.
I want to burn myself down.
And be delivered in a Hurse.
My private mortuary.
My funeral of one.
But, let me be rational.
I don't want to kill myself.
I really don't.
But when I'm in this state,
I can't think of anything.
I don't know what I want!
Right now I want nothing but to die!
Disappear!
Vanish!
Rot!
Perish!
What is this shit?!
My life used to be so good.
And I thought I was getting over this.
I was getting over my medication,
I was done with it.
And I don't want to go back to the hospital!
I don't want anything!
And I look at other people, their happiness.
I wonder what the fuck happened to me?!
Am I just fake all along?!
I don't WANT to be helped.
I don't WANT to talk to anyone.
I WANT TO BE ALONE!
Why can't anyone fucking understand me?!
My birthday's coming soon, and I want to be happy!
I don't want this to be like last year!
I don't want to try and kill myself!
I don't want to go to the ER!
I don't wamt to be in the ICU!
I don't want to admitted again!
I don't want this shit!
Why am I such a mental fuck up?!
Yeah, Natalie, keep thinking like that.
"Mentally ill are normal people."
Until you actually get to know one!
And realize how fucked up they really are!
Or maybe it's just me -- I'm a special fuck up!
I'm so full of shit, what's wrong with me?!
I think I hate everyone, but I don't know!
I'm so fucking confused!
I want to disappear...
Please,
Why can't I just stop crying?


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