giving up

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
this is my truthful honest to the entity feelings and decisions..

Submitted: June 29, 2008

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Submitted: June 29, 2008

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giving up
Current mood: \"\" satisfied
Category:
Life

today i decided i was giving up..i woke up this morning and stayed in bed until 5:00pm..i didnt eat today ..and i had only an iced tea and a glass of wild vines stawberry wine ..i didnt go very far out the door..only o town to get stuff for a gift basket i making for someone who's about to be a mother (must be nice..to be able to maintian a pregnancy past a few months and know u can have a family)i'm moving to lansing this next coming weekend..to my cousin davids house with himand my aunt laurie..but im not packing anything..i called and got arrangements made for my pets with the freinds ive made out of bikers in clare and harrison..and my clothes ..i dont want them anymore so i told my aunt to leave them there to sink with the remainder of my life..my family and i are at odds..i cant stand them anymore..my fiance is gone..left me because he feels empty  inside and doesnt know why..two of my oldest pets died this week and my uncle leroy fallowed close afterwards..im tired of being called names like lardass and bigfoot by my father and mother and the smelly house and loud kids have finally pushed me over the edge..im tired of looking in the mirror each day and seeing my fathers face on my shoulders..im tired of going on a diet and having my parents drag in junkfood and greasy pizza an.. until i give up..i take 7 painkillers every  4 hours when im at home and then i take myself into my room to dit in the corner of my bed and write letters to people i know ..i like using stamped envelopes to write freinds..its old and slow but its real and thought out and holds value..by chance i looked in the mirror..my hair hung limp by my face..my clothes were filthy from working late,my face was pale like chalk death,my eyes stood out red bloodshot and puffy from lack of sleep..i've lost an easily noticably weight ..i havent ate since friday night last week..im not hungry for anyting anymore..my face is drawn out and i can see the predominate white hairs clearer then ever before..even my aunt noticed them yesterday..20 white as snow hairs scattered among my regular hair..the bruises and cuts on my arm are violently noticeably on my arms and face..cutting and hauling trees can do that to you after awhile..my back throbs where i was rammed by a tree as it was cut in two peices and slide into me..and i m suprised how my eyes have dulled from blue to gray everyone says im doing good on my diet but should sleep more..and how nice it is to see me in jeans and long sleeve blouses for once..i only where the to hide the marks of a job they dont know i have since i lost the last one which i failed to tell my overbearing nothings good enough for me father and mother..its not their business what i do anymore..thus u see i have kept my word.. have given up..from now on im just doing what i absolutely must do..other then that..im going to shower,eat as little as possibly..start drinking and hang out with the guys from lake george and mt.pleasant everynight and work all day..i dont need anything else anymore..my tshirts and sweatpants will do just fine and my wedding stuff can go back to the stores so i can get my money back..aand from now on..i just dont want anything anymore..im not looking for a boyfreind agian.not dressing up not being assertive and happy go fucking lucky anymore..im going to watch football and wrestling and im going to work and drink and whatever else i wanna do and if u dont like me world then fuck you all..this bitch is all out of motivation and reason and the world who denies me my right to not give a fuck..can go to heaven and i'll be laughing at their stupid white dresses from the hot tubs in hell


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